


Eden's Apple

by Hamliet



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Friendship, Healing, M/M, Mystery, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-09 00:30:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 80,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17396678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamliet/pseuds/Hamliet
Summary: A wallflower, a jock, a delinquent, a dork, and the school slut* eventually team up to take down their corrupt principal.*use of the term not endorsed*





	1. Rumors

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I love boarding schools after teaching and counseling at one, hence why I tend to transport my favorite characters from my favorite media into this very... unique setting. As with other boarding school fics I've written, as well as with Banana Fish's heavy subject matter, this fic will be fairly gritty/angsty (but there is a happy ending for everyone except, like, Dino et al.) I will never write anything graphic, but much like the canon story, it will deal fairly upfront with issues such as sexual assault, prostitution, general sexuality, suicidal ideation, etc. (While it's not a retelling, some plot twists, especially early on in the story, will be drawn from canon, though some will not be.) I will put warnings before specific chapters that might be triggering, but please take care of yourself. 
> 
> Also, I know this first chapter might be rather similar to my previous high school AU--it will not be very similar plot-wise in the end, but yeah, I'm sorry if it seems repetitive! 
> 
> Oh, and while it has multiple tags, but because I don't want false expectations: Yuesing is the endgame in this fic, though there is some Wonglung/soy sauce too.

"Welcome to New York! Not that you'll see much of it."

Eiji stiffened. The sky shone a crystalline blue, summer's dying heat, sticky and heavy, pressing in over the school grounds. A trickle of sweat tickled its way down his spine. He glanced to Ibe.  _What on earth?_

Ibe's eyebrows arched. He cleared his throat. "I'm Shunichi Ibe, the new art teacher. From Japan."

The stout man who'd made the oddly threatening comment beamed, hiding what looked like cigars in his coat pocket. "A joke, really."

Eiji managed a smile. It fizzled out quickly.

"Only because students aren't allowed off campus without passes and permission," the man explained. "You'll get used to the rules. They're new for you, so, a joke." He reeked of smoke.

"Oh." Eiji didn't find it funny.

"Japan has its own rules," Ibe interjected.

Boarding school in America sounded like a fun adventure when Ibe brought it up to Eiji. Or really, like a chance to break away from the monotony of his life in Japan, a life spent watching everyone race by him, race towards bars he could no longer propel himself over, sitting in the back row in school, trying and trying and scraping average at best grades. He still had no idea how he'd been able to get this scholarship Ibe encouraged him to apply for; he'd never expected to actually be able to come. And now that he was here, he just didn't want to let Ibe down.

"I dunno," said the man. "Just a secretary, after all." He shot Ibe a glance that ran him up and down. "You the one that took that famous photograph of the pole vaulter? One photo to get you a job here. Impressive."

"Wouldn't have been able to take it without Eiji," Ibe said, clasping his hand to Eiji's shoulder.

"Oh, so this is Eiji? From the photograph? I thought he was your son. Freshman?"

 _For real?_  Eiji could barely keep his exasperation from his face. "Junior."

Ibe chuckled, rubbing his chin. "He looks young, but—"

"Ibe!" hollered a voice that Eiji at least recognized. The pressure in his chest eased. He let out his breath.

"Good to see you!" Jenkins, the school dean who'd interviewed Eiji before admitting him, wrapping Ibe in a quick hug. "And Eiji!"

 _Thank God_. The stocky man with the cigars headed off.

"I see you've met Marvin. He's the principal's, Golzine's, secretary," Jenkins said quickly. "Not the most friendly fellow."

Ibe shook his head. "I think we realized. Not very good at conversation, is he?"

"Not unless it's X-rated."

"Jenkins!" Ibe glanced at Eiji, whose face burned.

"My apologies, Eiji," said Jenkins, cringing.

 _Well, this is now awkward for all of us. Please, anyone, help._  Eiji smiled, digging through his mind for something to say. "It's very warm here, isn't it?"

"Yes, yes it is, though it's probably the last of summer for the next ten months!" Jenkins shook his head. "I'll send you down to your dorm right away—you'll be in Max Glenreed's dorm. He's a nice guy."

"Your friend, right?" Eiji quizzed Ibe.

He nodded.

"Great," said Jenkins. He produced a map, pointing. "Head down this path and take your second left. It's at the bottom of the hill."

Eiji glanced at Ibe.

"I'll walk you there," Ibe offered. "It'd be good to say hello to Max."

"Great," Jenkins said again. "And now I've got to run back to my office. Everyone's arriving and it's pure chaos, I'm telling you. I've got a dozen parents whining about how much pocket money their kids are given." He rolled his eyes and hurried back into the brick office building, the one that sat in the center of campus, reddish mulch and green stems blooming from overly manicured gardens surrounding it. What looked like orchids were carved onto the wooden doors.

Green lawns spread across campus, brick buildings covered in ivy rising all around. Several buildings were named after the subjects taught inside—the science center, the arts block—and others were named after animals, for dorms. A small chapel with a stained glass window bearing the image of a golden-haired angel sat near the entrance gate. Charlie, the redheaded head of security Ibe also said he knew, waved. Eiji waved back.

Ibe stopped in front of one of the dorms. "Wildcat," he read.

Eiji arched his eyebrows. Ibe pushed open the door. The dorm was structured like a rectangular frame, with what must be the dorm rooms set up around a courtyard. The grass in the courtyard had withered in the summer sun. Voices came from the other side of the courtyard, where a table sat under a trellis.

"I'm telling you, Max, he's just a kid inside. He'll be a little rough at first, but you're the only dorm parent here I think can get through to—"

"Ack, George, I know, but don't you think I have enough of my own problems? With Jessica coming back and the project—Ibe!" A man stood up from the small glass table. "Welcome!"

"Max!" Ibe grinned at the sight of his college friend.

Max grabbed Ibe in a bear hug. "Good to see you!" He glanced at Eiji. "Eiji?"

Eiji nodded.

"Max." He held out his hand. Eiji shook it. "This is George. He's the school's counselor."

"Nice to meet you." George smiled, rubbing his beard. "Any emotional problems, trouble adjusting to the new culture—it's a big change—dating problems, academic problems, I see it all. I'll talk to you later, Max. Just remember what I said, and take care of him."

"Eh... sure." Max looked slightly wizened at whatever George was telling him to do.

"Difficult student?" asked Ibe.

"Apparently." Max shrugged. "Gonna be your roommate, Eiji."

Eiji's eyes widened.

"Kidding." Max laughed, pulling out his chart. "Oh. Wait. I guess he is your roommate. But don't worry, Eiji, we can switch—"

"What's wrong with him?" asked Ibe.

"That's exactly it," said Max. "Everyone assuming something's wrong with him, or so George says. He's just a very intense, very intelligent kid who was picked off the streets a few years ago by Golzine himself. He's been at the school ever since. I don't know him well though I will say, Eiji, he's not a threatening type."

"I don't mind rooming with him," Eiji said quickly. He didn't want to cause trouble.

"Really?" Max looked relieved. He chuckled. "Well, thank God, because the only other option is really Shorter Wong, because Lao Yen-Thai wanted to room with his brother, and Shorter and Ash together could be a headache for their suitemates. Not that they're bad kids. Shorter's a fun guy. Just loud."

"Ash?" Eiji asked.

"Ash Lynx," confirmed Max. "Your roommate. Or really, Aslan."

"Ash," Eiji repeated. "Like... cinders?"

Max nodded.

"Text me if you have any problems," Ibe said, looking nervously around the dorm.

"I will," Eiji assured him. "Hey, Ibe. I really will be fine."

Ibe sighed, shaking his head as he smiled at Eiji. Eiji's own father might not have recognized him when he went to say goodbye. Eiji hoped he had. He wished his father would say something, anything, tell him he was proud of him, or—just say his name. He didn't. He couldn't, but even if he could, Eiji didn't know if he would have. His mother barely nodded when he'd said goodbye. It was his sister who threw her arms around his waist, and who shoved a good luck charm into his pocket. A good luck charm that was actually a love charm, because she was a total airhead who probably grabbed whatever she could from the temple, and yet he kept it because she cared enough to notice he was gone.

It didn't take Eiji long to set up his dorm room. It was small, one bed on either side, two desks adjacent to each other, a bathroom to be shared with their suitemates.

The door opened. A kid with blond hair, a green plaid shirt wrapped around his waist, torn jeans, and eyes the color of jade surveyed him. "You my roommate?"

 _Geez, he_ is  _intense_. Eiji scrambled to his feet and nodded. "Eiji Okumura. I'm from Japan."

"Ash." He dropped his one bag, a dirty backpack, onto the bed and flopped down, red converse sneakers still on his feet. "You a freshman?"

 _You Americans._  Eiji scowled. "No. I'm a junior. Same as you."

"Well, excuse me." Ash held his hands up. "You look like a kid."

Eiji folded his arms. Ash dragged himself up, emptying his bag of crumpled sweatshirts, an older laptop, and dog-eared books. Hemingway, Faulkner, Fitzgerald. What looked like a pocketknife.

"Is that real?" Eiji asked.

"Huh?" Ash turned to stare at him.

"That knife." Eiji pointed. "I didn't think they were allowed."

"They're not." Ash shrugged. "But it can be useful."

"Oh." Eiji flushed. Now Ash must really think he was a baby. "Can I hold it? I've actually never seen one before."

Ash blinked. He studied Eiji. "Okay." He picked up the knife, holding it out to Eiji, his jade gaze never leaving, as if he expected Eiji to run screaming for Max.

Eiji took it. He examined it, pressing the button to send the switchblade out. "Wow!"

Ash's eyes widened. A smile tipped the corner of his lips.

"Thanks." Eiji handed it back. Ash tucked it into his desk drawer. He pulled out a pair of glasses. "Are those yours?"

"I carry random glasses in my backpack in case I need to disguise myself." Ash snickered. "Yeah, they're mine. I use them for reading."

"I use contacts." Eiji pressed his lips together. "Won't they call you a four-eyes?"

Ash cast him a strange look. "Are you telling me you're going to start?"

"No!" Eiji's face reddened. "Just—back at my school, in Japan, people did make fun of—" It'd been Ibe who realized Eiji couldn't see properly, and when Eiji begged him not to tell his parents—not that they'd care, but they'd blame themselves for his eyesight—he bought Eiji contacts.

"That's rude." Ash scowled. "I hate people who bully others."

"Yeah." Eiji nodded.

"Dude!" The door banged against the wall. A tall Asian boy with a purple mohawk stomped in. "Oh hey, Ash's roommate."

"Eiji," Ash said, introducing him.

"Nice to meet you, Eiji. I'm Shorter. I live across the courtyard." Shorter rubbed his mohawk, dropping onto Ash's bed. "Ow, the drive took so long today. My ass is numb."

Eiji almost laughed.

"Who else is here?" asked Ash.

"Kong and Bones are your suitemates, but Alex's luck ran out and he's rooming with Arthur, who is  _my_  suitemate," Shorter said, shoving sunglasses on despite the fact that they were indoors. "I'm gonna have to kill him, Ash. He's already such a—"

"Poor you." Ash smirked. "Let me know if you need help with him."

"Oh, and Sing and Lao are down the hall, and Cain Blood's got the single room in their suite. So that's good. Cain's the only one Arthur is somewhat afraid of."

Ash nodded, glancing to Eiji. "Cain is cool, and Lao's a friend of Shorter's. Sing's his stepbrother."

"Oh, nice."

Ash folded his eyes, eyeing Shorter. "I notice you haven't mentioned your roommate."

Shorter moaned, doubling over. "That's because it's awful." He lifted his face. "I've got Yut-Lung Lee."

Ash's eyebrows arched.

"As in the VP?" asked Eiji. "His name's Lee, right?"

"See, someone who does his homework, unlike me." Shorter pointed at Eiji. "Yeah, Yut-Lung's oldest brother is the vice-principal, and his other brother is the business and finance teacher."

"So is he like a narc or something?" Eiji asked, trying to use American slang. Ash actually laughed, but not in a mean way.

"No, he's just known for—" Shorter dropped his voice. "Getting around."

"Like traveling?" Eiji frowned.

Ash moaned. "Sleeping around, Eiji."

"He's a guy, but everyone calls him the school slut anyways," added Shorter.

"What?" Eiji's face felt as if it was burning and floating away from him.  _Like as in_  sex?

"Just tell him he can't bring anyone back to the room," Ash advised.

"Already done, and he laughed in my face."

"Tell Max if he does," suggested Eiji. Both of them looked at him like he'd grown two heads.  _Or not._

"You can crash in here if he ever—" Ash started, then stopped, looking to Eiji. "Sorry, I should ask—"

"Of course," Eiji said quickly.  _This Yut-Lung likes guys_? He wondered if that was more accepted here. Because he was pretty sure Ibe had figured out Eiji wasn't interested in girls, even if his parents hadn't noticed it beyond his mother once joking about how he never hung up idols in his room. He still wondered how his parents would react, if they'd care at all, or if they'd be proud of him, or if like usual, they'd just nod and busy themselves with their own lives.

Then again, his father's life was mostly trying not to die as of late. Eiji wrapped his arms around his legs.

"I'm in your debt," Shorter said, clasping his hands together. "Let's go down to dinner together. You too, Eiji."

"Did Nadia tell you what they're making?"

"My sister's the head cook here," Shorter explained to Eiji. "Hence, why I go here. All staff kids get to go for free." He grinned. "So if you need extra food, I can get some from her."

"She's kind of awesome," Ash said. "She has all of our backs."

 _You want me to get dinner with you?_ Eiji nodded, scrambling to his feet.  _Does that make us friends?_ He didn't remember having friends. People who liked how well he did in pole vaulting, sure. But other than that…

"Let's get Kong and Bones, too. And we should probably rescue Alex from Arthur's demonic presence," said Shorter. He slung his arms around both of them. Eiji stiffened, and Ash did too, but then Eiji noticed Ash rolling his eyes, relaxing, and Eiji managed to laugh.

He was definitely going to have to text Ibe.  _My roommate's actually pretty great._

* * *

"Please tell me why I need remedial biology lessons when I had a solid A in the subject," Yut-Lung stated, twisting his hands in his lap. He could hear the chatter of his classmates pouring into the cafeteria for dinner. Hua-Lung had demanded he eat with him, though, because Yut-Lung of course could not have one freaking day away from his brother.  _All I ask is a day in which I don't have to hear your insufferable voice!_

"You didn't. You had a C." Hua-Lung leaned back, his office chair creaking.

Yut-Lung's jaw fell open. "That's not true! I—"

"Wang-Lung changed your grade, and the former teacher quit, so it's now irrelevant," said Hua-Lung. "You received a C, officially, on your transcript."

"But why?" Yut-Lung didn't understand. His brothers always drilled it into him to do the very best, to respect his family legacy and—

"Golzine pushed the application for the new biology teacher through without much review," said Hua-Lung. He leaned forward, shoving a cup of tea at Yut-Lung. It smelled bitter, because of course Hua-Lung burned his teas. "Wang-Lung wants to know why. He already is offering remedial lessons to Sing Soo-Ling; you can join him."

Yut-Lung glared. So his brothers really were ruining everything. He shouldn't be surprised, and yet he was somehow still disappointed.

"You've no need to worry about your grades," Hua-Lung said quickly. "When you apply for colleges, it's your name that will get you in. And I'm sure that with the extra help, you'll be at the top of your class."

"I still earned it  _already_ ," Yut-Lung managed. His teeth felt as if they might crack from how hard he ground them into each other.

"And you'll earn it again." Hua-Lung sighed. "Look, I warned Wang-Lung that you'd be upset, but you know how he is." He got to his feet, hand flicking Yut-Lung's ponytail that cascaded over his shoulder.

"What do you want me to look for?" Yut-Lung asked, voice flat. "Do you want me to sleep with him?"

"He doesn't seem receptive to that from the little I was able to find on him." Hua-Lung stepped back. "A real by-the-rules kind of guy. No history of anything like that. Sergei Varishkov, goes by Blanca. Lost his wife a few years ago. But he has a past with Golzine, or else he wouldn't have hired him. Wang-Lung is suspicious."

 _Wang-Lung wants Golzine's job, you mean._  Yut-Lung nodded. At least sleeping with this Blanca was off the table.

"Of course, if you find otherwise and that's the best—"

"It won't be." Yut-Lung swallowed.

"How did it go last night?"

"Wang-Lung didn't tell you? You'll have your deal." Yut-Lung folded his arms. "The banker was rather disgusting, too, so keep that in mind."

Hua-Lung rolled his eyes. "Sorry to ask so much of you in a row."

Yut-Lung pressed his lips together. "It's fine." He had no other option but to say that, even though it wasn't fine and he'd like to hurl this scalding, bitter tea right in his brother's face. If his brothers wanted to send the message he was stupid, well, fine. It wasn't like he had a reputation to uphold among his peers, anyways, and outside of school his name was everything.

 _Lee_.

_I hate it._

Maybe if this man was working with Golzine, he could figure out a way to play it to his advantage. He didn't want to work with Golzine since he'd slept with him way back when he was thirteen to seal Wang-Lung's hiring, but if he had to temporarily…

Wang-Lung had never forgiven him for that, even though he'd ordered Yut-Lung to do it. He still hated him because of who his mother was. He saw him as just a pawn to be used, a sex doll for gross older men and women, a tool to get teachers kicked out when they annoyed him or asked too many questions, a weed that was pretty enough to be displayed as if it were a flower, but wasn't. A dandelion.

Hua-Lung's hand gripped tighter. "You're mad. What's wrong?" His voice dripped with faux-concern. "Was it really so bad?"

There was no point. Hua-Lung wasn't going to change his mind about the biology lessons. Instead of being the school slut, he would now be the stupid school slut. Excellent. Really prestigious, honorable. But Lee honor was all whitewashed tombs anyways. "I'm just tired. Classes start tomorrow." And according to his schedule he'd have his first remedial lesson in two days' time. He didn't know Sing Soo-Ling well, but from what he did know he doubted the kid would keep it quiet that they were both taking extra lessons. He was, after all, a friend of Shorter Wong's, Yut-Lung's gregarious roommate.

To be fair, Shorter had been kind to him when he started at the school when they were freshmen, until the first rumors came out that Yut-Lung had slept with the English teacher everyone liked and gotten her fired. And then Shorter had actually defended him, telling his classmates it wasn't his fault, and then Yut-Lung had screamed at him because he didn't need anyone to defend him, thank you very much.

"Fine," Shorter had said. "I won't, then."

They hadn't talked ever since.

* * *

"Lao, for the love of God, we do not need identical schedules." Sing was personally willing to bow down and praise everyone who worked in creating the schedules for giving him a few periods of breathing room away from his stepbrother. Though having Lao with him in math and chemistry would help.

Lao scowled. "You're sure you'll be all right?"

"'Course." Sing stretched out, putting his feet up on the glass table in the middle of their dorm's courtyard. "I'm not as shrimpy as I was last year." He'd finally hit a growth spurt. Finally. After years of being the shortest kid in his class, he was within an inch of Lao now.

"True." Lao snickered. "Does this mean you'll want to try out for the soccer team?"

"Nice try."

"Aw, c'mon, we need new players this year. Shorter's captain."

"Ask that Japanese boy; he's new."

Lao grimaced. "He doesn't really seem the athletic type."

"I actually heard he was a leading pole vaulter back in Japan. I'm guessing he can run pretty fast." Cicadas and crickets formed a symphony in the night air.

"No kidding." Lao looked impressed, rubbing his chin. "Geez. I'll have to ask him, then."

"And win the tournament," said Sing. "Or else I'll have to listen to you cry."

"I do not cry!"

"Punch walls, then."

"I won't punch walls," Lao mumbled, sulking.

Sing rolled his eyes.

"Leave that to Arthur," Lao added.

Sing grimaced. "Having him in this dorm is like a recipe for disaster. He's so jealous of Ash you can almost see his face turning green when he looks at him." They were both scholarship kids, though, so Sing didn't really get Arthur's bitchiness. Maybe it was that Ash had everyone's respect. And Golzine favored him, though Ash didn't seem to like that because Ash was fair. And everyone liked and respected him because Ash earned it and treated people well. For God's sake, he'd never played for the soccer team, but he watched every game for Shorter, and he tutored one of the middle schoolers. Skip, that was his name.

Lao exhaled. "Yeah. Stay out of it, though, Sing."

"Don't worry. I gotta bring my grades up." Sing slapped at a mosquito that landed on Lao's bicep.

"Good." Lao smiled. "You know, I'm proud of you."

"Stop." Sing flipped his brother off. They'd grown up together, though since Lao was always so much bigger and almost a year older, he'd assumed the role of protector. A role he didn't really need, but Sing wasn't sure how to tell Lao that without making him feel like trash.

 _I hope you find something else to focus on this year._  Soccer at the very least was a good distraction.

The dorm door burst open. Yut-Lung Lee stormed into the courtyard, hair mussed.

"Yo," said Sing, waving at him. Yut-Lung continued past him, as if he hadn't heard.

"My brother was talking to you," Lao called out.

 _Lao, I'm going to kill you._ Sing kicked him.

"Shut up, Lao Yen-Thai." Yut-Lung didn't turn.

"Right, just keep acting like you're a princess above all of us. You look at all of us like trash. I hope Shorter knocks your teeth out."

Yut-Lung paused by the set of three steps leading to his dorm room door. "Fortunately for my teeth, he doesn't seem the stupid type." He tossed a glance over his shoulder. "Unlike you."

"Excuse me?" Lao demanded.

Yut-Lung turned, rolling his eyes as he headed closer to them. He played with the ends of his hair, sauntering slowly. "What are you  _really_  saying, Lao?"

"Um, no," said Sing. "Please stop hitting on my brother in front of me. Though to be fair, he's never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but I wouldn't recommend you becoming the first for your own sake."

Yut-Lung blinked. He actually laughed. "Don't worry. I'm not interested in your friends, Lao." He tossed his hair. "Or in you. Have a good night." He ducked into his dorm room then.

"Really?" complained Lao. " _Sing_!"

"Don't yell at me not to pick fights and pick them yourself!" Sing pointed out. "I'm getting ready for bed." He climbed up. Lao muttered to himself and then followed him to their room. Sing spotted Cain watching, shaking his head.

That night, when Sing couldn't sleep, amid Lao's snores, he heard someone crying, somewhere in the dorm. He eased himself out of bed, towards the door. His hand hovered over the doorknob.

_Maybe they want to be alone._

_Who wants to be alone when they're crying_? But it wasn't as if he knew anyone in this dorm well enough to be able to help, except maybe Shorter, but Shorter didn't ever cry.

A door slammed. Whoever it was had gone back to their room. Sing exhaled.

_Whoever you are, I hope you're okay._


	2. Experiments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend Mei bribed me with pictures of her cat to upload the next chapter. Will work for virtual cats. :P Also, thank you to everyone for reading/leaving kudos/comments! I appreciate it.

"Oh, shit, not  _you_."

The words left Ash's mouth before he had time to consider them. Fortunately the target didn't notice, or more likely noticed and pretended not to.

"Are you all right?" asked his roommate. Eiji was nice. He hadn't ratted Ash out for his pocketknife, the one he used for picking locks, and didn't seem to look at Ash as if he was someone to be suspicious of like the teachers and new kids, revered and respected like everyone else who already knew him. He felt like a project, a thing, to absolutely everyone except Shorter. And now Eiji too, he supposed. If it lasted.

"Yeah," Ash managed, slipping through the rows of desks. Blanca kept writing on the board, not sparing a glance in his direction.

There could only be one reason Dino wanted Blanca to teach here. He  _was_  suspicious. Ash gritted his teeth. Well, this would make Ash's job harder.

He had to stay here, and Dino knew it. That's why he'd given Skip that scholarship, because he knew Ash wouldn't leave Skip alone at this place while Dino, Marvin, and Kippard all worked here. And he knew what Ash was trying to do, didn't he? If Blanca were here, it'd get infinitely more difficult. He'd surely be reporting to Dino.

Shorter and Alex were also in the class. The four of them took up the back row. Ash noticed a copy of  _Islands in the Stream_  on Blanca's desk, his jaunty hat hanging from a coat rack near the door.  _You haven't changed much, old man._

_"It's about the solitude of man. Read it when you're older."_

He read it one year later, after Blanca left. He remembered waking up that morning in Dino's bed, heading down the stairs for a day away from Dino, a day with Blanca, and Dino telling him at breakfast that Blanca had retired to the Caribbean.

" _Overnight?"_

" _No, he handed in his resignation weeks ago."_

But he'd never told Ash. And then once tutors were gone, Ash got sent here, to Dino's school. He probably would have landed himself in prison in an attempt to get expelled, picking fights, trying to run away, until Shorter told him he looked like the angel above the chapel, teasing him about it, not wanting anything from him.

It'd been nice to have a friend the past year, in his solitude. And he would have been content to stay here, if it weren't for what that reporter had asked him the past summer, before winding up dead in a ditch later.

" _Ah, so you're attending that academy. You trying to find out what happened to your brother?"_

_Griffin…_

Ash stared down at his blank notebook, each line stamped on the paper in blue ink. He should be taking notes, but he didn't need to. Griffin used to write poetry, that much he remembered. But Ash had never been able to write anything that remotely resembled poetry, despite his top grades in literature.

" _I'll come back soon," Griffin promised, crouched in front of him when Ash was crying, asking why he had to go away. He wiped Ash's tears. "I promise, kiddo."_

He hadn't.

"Ash," called Blanca's voice.

Ash jumped. He met his former tutor's eyes, the color of the midnight sky.

"Can you tell me the answer?"

"Yes," Ash said. "I  _can_."

Eiji frowned, confused. Shorter cringed, ducking his head. Alex studied his clasped hands, jaw set.

"Will you?"

"Would you like me to?" Ash asked.

"Indeed, I would." Blanca folded his arms, glasses glinting over his eyes. "I also don't particularly like you wasting my time."

"Why, less time to ogle Jessica Randy?" he said, naming their beautiful yet no-nonsense literature teacher. He heard she started at the school when he would have been a freshman after the previous teacher got fired for sleeping with a student, but then Jessica took a sabbatical the next year, so Ash had never met her before this year.

"Detention," said Blanca.

Ash shrugged. Though this certainly meant he'd be getting an email from Dino, probably with an invitation to his office to discuss his behavior. Ash clutched his desk. He could feel Eiji studying him, and he refused to look at the boy.  _I'm probably not the sort you want to be friends with after all, am I?_

"I'd advise you to think of the fact that it's not just my time, but your classmates' time," Blanca added. "Mr. Lee, do you have the answer?"

"Yes," said Yut-Lung, sitting up straighter. "It's mitosis."

"Correct."

When the bell rang, Ash snatched his bag and stormed towards the door. Eiji hurried after him. "What was that about?" Eiji's eyes were huge and dark, but unlike most dark things, warm.

The retort died on Ash's tongue. He swallowed it. It tasted rancid. "We don't get along."

"I can see that." Eiji was quiet. "Should we throw spitballs at him or—"

Ash actually chuckled. He could only imagine Blanca's response to something so juvenile. But it was a kind gesture. He clapped Eiji's shoulder. "It's really fine. I'll pull it together."

"Okay." Eiji frowned.

History with a Mr. Foxx was next, and Ash quickly learned that there was, in fact, a teacher he could hate more than Blanca. This man was creepy. Everything about his beady eyes, his smarmy demeanor that rivaled even Hua-Lung Lee's, the way his hand lingered on each student's when he handed them their textbooks, screamed red flags. Ash made a mental note never to let any of his friends be alone with him.

Arthur leaned over to one of his stupid friends, whispered something. He snickered.

"And who," asked Foxx, turning around with his creepy eyes. "Was that?"

Everyone sat stock still. Most teachers weren't that strict.

"If you don't tell me, you all have detention," said Foxx.

"For talking?" squeaked Bones.

 _Shut up, you fool._ Ash glance at Eiji. Like everyone, his gaze was focused on his desk.

"I see. Are you volunteering?"

"What? N-no, I—"

"Him," said Arthur, jerking his thumb towards the back row. He tipped his chair back, rocking.

His thumb aimed at Eiji. Eiji's jaw dropped.

"Not a good way to start the year, Mr. Okumura—"

"It was not Eiji," burst out Ash.  _Arthur, you fucking bitch._

"It was Arthur," chimed in Shorter.

 _Thanks_.

"I'm afraid my policy is to trust those who speak first." Foxx turned back to the lesson. "Detention, Okumura."

Eiji's eyes filled with tears. Ash opened his mouth, ready to let Foxx have it, and Eiji grabbed his arm, shaking his head.

 _Fine._  Ash glowered at the back of Arthur's sandy hair.

"That time of the month, Arthur?" Shorter shouted as they left the classroom. "Why do you have to be such a total shit—"

Arthur raised his hands. "I dunno, I didn't really think a random newbie would piss you off."

"Yes, you did," said Ash. "You just have to be—"

"Bitter he's barely passing and no one likes him because he's a complete tool?" Shorter asked. He and Ash both blocked Arthur's path. "Or really, just mad that you broke his fingers last year?"

"That girl told him she wasn't into him and he didn't back down," Ash said. "And I'd do it again,  _Frederick_."

"Ooh, first name basis now?" Arthur mocked. Eiji shrank against the red lockers.

"I'm not gonna put up with a year of you trying to lash out at my friends because you're too much of a coward to punch me or try to break my fingers," Ash said.

"Hey!"

Ash started. Everyone spun to their left.

Jessica Randy stormed towards them, her blond hair flying behind her. "Is there a problem?"

"Not at all." Arthur turned and scurried away like the rat he was.

Alex moaned. "I'm gonna have to sleep with one eye open."

Ash winced. "Sorry, Alex."

"Don't be. I hate him. Make his life hell."

Ash glanced at Eiji.  _Now you know I've broken someone's fingers._

_Are you scared yet?_

"Alex could spend the night in our room," Eiji offered. "If you're okay with that, Ash."

Ash blinked.  _Are you really not afraid?_

No, he was. Eiji's eyes were bright like they'd been ever since he was told he had a detention. But— _you still want to help out._

Ash couldn't understand it.

* * *

"So, how about it?" Lao asked Eiji eagerly. Sing shoved his binder into his locker, listening.

"I can't." Eiji's voice came low and hesitant, as if he was confessing to storing a block of cocaine inside his mattress instead of turning Lao down for trying out for the school soccer team. "I don't think I'd be any good."

Rats. Now Lao would be insufferable. Sing grabbed his biology textbook, hoisting it up. He slammed the locker shut and turned the dial.

"Sure you would," Ash's voice cut in. "I saw you in gym class. You're fast."

Lao scowled as if to say  _no one asked you_. But Sing eyed Eiji Okumura. He hadn't thought the Japanese boy was anything special, but if Ash—

"I can't play sports," Eiji explained.

"Didn't you used to?" asked Shorter.

"Yes, but I hurt my ankle," Eiji said. "I can't be an athlete anymore. Gym class is one thing." He lowered his chin. "I'm sorry, Lao."

"Why're you sorry?" Shorter asked. "No problem, Eiji. I guess you'll just have to join Ash as part of our cheerleading squad. Pompoms not required."

Ash flipped Shorter off, laughing. Sing snickered.

"Let's go, dude," Shorter said to Lao. "Or else Arthur will get forward."

"Can't you cut him?" complained Lao.

"Only if we're very, very lucky." Shorter winked. "You coming to watch, Sing?"

They were all looking at him. They'd  _noticed_  him. Sing straightened his spine. "Can't. I've got to—meet with a teacher." He lifted his bio book in explanation. "Sucks." And, his voice would choose that moment to crack. Sing internally cussed. He was sixteen and finally not a shrimp; why did his voice still have to be a total bitch to him?

"With Blanca?" Ash winced. "Sorry for you."

"Don't you and Eiji both have detentions?" cut in Lao.

Eiji's face reddened to the hue of Ash's shoe color.

"Yep," Ash said. He slung an arm around Eiji. "First detention ever, right?"

Eiji swallowed. He nodded. "Ibe won't be happy."

"I'll back you up if you want. You did nothing wrong. But if you have to do it, at least you won't be the only kid who got detention his first week." Ash scowled.

"Ash is a pro at detentions," Shorter joked. "Okay, I am too, so take it from me: they're always more fun when you have someone to suffer with. This one time, Ash and I made Dawson think his computer was talking to him with a message from the government."

"What?" eked out Eiji.

"I gotta go help Skipper," said Ash, checking his phone. "See ya."

Sing waved, turning to head up the cement steps and back towards the science center. He passed Mr. Dawson's chemistry lab and wrinkled his nose. He didn't like that guy. He spent half his classes arguing with students so far on basic facts, instead of just teaching chemistry. Shorter was mumbling about arguing creationism next time he wanted to waste time because he doubted Mr. Dawson would be able to resist the need to plead with his students to believe that he was smart, smarter than them, the  _smartest_.

Blanca's biology lab was up the stairs. Sing shoved open the door and found Yut-Lung sitting at one of the desks, a scowl embedded into his face. Blanca was reading something by Hemingway. "Am I interrupting?"

Yut-Lung's eyes narrowed.

"No, you're both taking lessons," said Blanca with a sigh. He set the book down.

"Really?" asked Sing. "Aren't you like, a genius?"

"Aren't you?" retorted Yut-Lung.

Sing's hands flew up. "Chill." He slipped into the seat next to Yut-Lung. "No, for real, I remember you getting straight As last year."

"I got a C." Yut-Lung glanced down, onyx bangs blocking his eyes. "Failed the exam at the end. Didn't have a choice but to take remedial lessons."

"Huh?" Sing frowned. "I mean, when I talked to Jenkins about this, he said it was just a suggestion to help me keep my scholarship."

Yut-Lung shrugged. "Well, I'm not on a scholarship. Even if I got a few A-, it wouldn't be enough for my brothers."

"Mood," said Sing, stretching his legs. "Lao's like that, too. He was mad at me for getting a C last year. Even though I probably could've scraped a B if I wanted to."

Yut-Lung frowned. "Why didn't you want to?"

"Lazy," Sing said, rolling his eyes. Or more like, he was too distracted with other things. Like trying to impress Lao and Shorter however he could, except since soccer wasn't his thing, that mostly meant helping them practice despite refusing to try out himself because he wanted to tutor the younger kids instead. Except he got so focused on tutoring last semester than he blew biology. And chemistry and math didn't go much better. So now he couldn't tutor anymore. Which sucked because third grade math was so much easier, but no parent wanted someone who scraped a D in biology tutoring their kid in anything. Like bad grades were contagious or something.

"Well, no laziness allowed here," said Blanca's voice. The huge man got to his feet. Sing scowled. He hoped he would be that tall when he finished growing. Even if he still wasn't entirely sure what to do with his new six inches that sprouted over the summer.

The lesson went fairly well, and Sing started feeling slightly less panicked about the year ahead. When he handed them worksheets and then stepped out into the hallway to talk to Golzine, Sing turned to Yut-Lung. "He seems cool."

Yut-Lung shrugged.

"I wonder why Ash was bitching at him," Sing added.

"Why don't you ask Ash?" Yut-Lung pressed his pen into the side of his cheek. "Or too intimidated to talk to your crush?"

"I do not have a crush on Ash!" Sing's face burned.

Yut-Lung tossed his braid. "It's understandable. He's intelligent, good-looking, and—"

Sing stabbed his pen into the corner of the worksheet. "If you're salty about Lao being shitty to you the other night, talk to him. I'm not my fucking brother."

Yut-Lung blinked. "I know."

Sing turned back to the worksheet.  _I can do this_. "Don't spread rumors."

"I won't. I don't need to. Everyone knows. The only question is if it's just Ash, or Shorter too, that's commonly debated, and I don't know, you seem interested in that Japanese boy too, or Cain Blood—"

"I'm not a slut!"

Yut-Lung flinched as if he'd been slapped. "Like me?"

 _Oh shit!_ "That wasn't what I meant!" Sing glared. "Don't take everything personally. I don't even know you. I wasn't talking about you at all. I was just saying I don't want—"

"A crush-slut," continued Yut-Lung, but his lips were tugging back, almost like he was repressing a smile. "A mind slut."

"Shut up."

"Don't worry, they're all cool except Eiji; he's lame."

 _You're just teasing_. Sing stuck his tongue out at Yut-Lung.  _You just really suck at it_. "He's nice. You could learn more from him."

"Why be nice when I could be fabulous?" Yut-Lung actually snorted, laughing at himself, clearly joking. He turned back to the worksheet, scribbling answers to all the questions like it was nothing.

Sing's jaw fell open. "Are you for real right now?"

"Hm?" Yut-Lung looked up. "Yes?"

Sing gestured. "You really don't seem like you got a C to me."

Yut-Lung pressed his lips together. "Do you want help?"

"I don't want the answers. I want to know how to understand this myself."

"Come here." Yut-Lung grabbed his paper. "So, for this one, it's asking…"

* * *

"Right?" Sing held up the worksheet.

"Correct," Yut-Lung agreed. He listened as Sing worked on the next question. Pencil slapped against paper, against wood.

"Already?" Golzine was asking.

"He seems to suspect that you want me to look after him, as I warned you he would." Blanca kept his voice low. Not low enough.

 _Look after him…_  Ash, clearly. In a kindly way? Yut-Lung frowned, remembering who Golzine was, that horrible night sticking like filthy gum to his mind, the interest he had in Ash. But Hua-Lung had said Blanca was not up for seduction, so he couldn't mean in  _that_  way. At least not for Blanca.

But whatever he meant, that meant Blanca was here for Ash, to keep him in check. Like that was a remotely realistic possibility. Yut-Lung knew that green fire burning in Ash's eyes. It was the same one that burned inside him, cold fire, flickering ice. That meant Golzine actually considered Ash a threat.

_Why?_

Yut-Lung imagined Ash burning down the school, taking Golzine and Hua-Lung and Wang-Lung with him. He'd happily provide the gasoline. The problem was that everyone hated him. Well, except maybe Sing.

Blanca dismissed them. "Thanks," Sing said.

"Welcome." Yut-Lung pulled out his phone, texting Hua-Lung, who had definitely suggested/demanded Yut-Lung come to his office to report in, but Yut-Lung was so not in the mood.  _Didn't learn anything today. Will keep at it,_ he replied.

"Wanna go down and see how soccer tryouts are going?" Sing suggested.

Ash might be there. Yut-Lung nodded. By the time they got there, though, it was over. Shorter was grinning, though, and Lao gave Sing a high-five. Yut-Lung shrank back, watching as Arthur cussed and drank a bottle of water like it was a sword he could then spit at Shorter and/or Lao.

 _If I could get close to Arthur and report to Ash, he might trust me, and my brothers would definitely buy that as work. And then we could take down this stupid school._ Ash was definitely one person who couldn't judge him as a slut.

"So fun!" came a voice behind him. Yut-Lung turned. Skip, that middle schooler Ash tutored a few times a week, grinned at the emptying field.

"Yep," said Ash. The sun set orange behind him, filmy tangerine light fluttering down over the field. It didn't keep out the approaching cold of fall. Yut-Lung shivered.

"Why don't you play, Ash?" Skip asked.

"Got other things on my mind." Ash winked. "And next time we  _are_  actually going over algebra, not soccer, okay?"

Skip smirked. "Sure."

"You better thank Eiji," Ash added. "He's the one who suggested it wouldn't hurt, seeing as it's the first week."

Another laugh. Eiji Okumura.

Yut-Lung clenched his fists. That stupid Japanese boy. Why was he hanging around Ash like a barnacle? Why didn't Ash shrug him off? He was nothing special. He was just a waste of space and air, one of those preppy boys who should be running for school council or in and out of Jenkins's office for career and higher ed advice, not hanging around with the school delinquents and jocks. Something fizzled and popped in his abdomen, like a spark on a piece of wood. He folded his arms.

"Hey!" called Shorter's voice, jogging over to them. "You came, Sing!" He held out his hand for a high-five. "Wish you could join."

"Tell me Arthur didn't make the team," Sing joked.

"He did, but he's reserves." Shorter winked. "And you came too, Yut-Lung."

Yut-Lung swallowed. Sing met his gaze and glanced away, towards the gummy bleachers, and Yut-Lung understood. Sing wasn't going to tell about his remedial lessons unless Yut-Lung wanted him to.

 _Nah_.

"Just for the end," said Yut-Lung. "I'm glad about Arthur."

"Me, too," said Shorter, grabbing a water bottle and gulping from it. "You should come to some of our games, Yut-Lung." He pushed his shoulder, grinning as he jogged off.

Yut-Lung felt an idea forming in his stomach. He watched the back of Ash's golden head, next to that stupid Eiji.

_I will._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, while certain characters appear (Marvin, Foxx) the only role they will really have in the narrative is me as a writer getting to narratively punch them.


	3. Cracked Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a warning, this chapter is by far the darkest in the entire story. It's fairly canon compliant for Ash's section especially, but it's dark. Please be forewarned if sexual assault is triggering for you. There is nothing graphic, however.

Detention was boring, but at least Eiji was there with him, the only two in the school who managed to fuck up enough to land themselves in trouble the first week. Not that Eiji actually fucked up.

He'd probably be better off with other friends, Ash reasoned. But he was funny and nice in their dorm room, and Shorter liked him too. Eiji told Ash he didn't want him getting back at Arthur. "I don't want you getting in trouble for me." He didn't even take Ash up on his offer to talk to Ibe for him, claiming that Ibe believed him immediately. Ash didn't know what shocked him more: that an adult actually proved trustworthy, or that he didn't automatically realize that an adult would trust Eiji.

Still, Arthur kept sniping at him, and when Ash finally told him to fuck himself, Foxx of course overheard and delighted in giving him another detention the third week. This time Eiji wasn't around to suffer with him, though Eiji apologized as if it was his fault. _Why are you so masochistic?_

But in detention, he had time to think. To plan. The hospital in town must have records on Griffin, right? But the school wouldn't let him go there. Not when Dr. Mannerheim was right on campus running the clinic for students, the creepy coward. He did not like that man, even if, like Foxx, he hadn't actually hurt Ash. Unlike Dino and Marvin and Kippard. Those two just gave him the creeps.

Well, there was one option. His usual fallback. Ash finally left detention, handing in a blank paper instead of the apology he was supposed to be writing, and headed to the back gate instead of to dinner. He climbed up the oak tree, the one with giant leaves starting to die in a vibrant orange and scarlet flameout, and hopped over the fence.

He knew enough sketchy clubs and alleys to start looking for information. All he'd have to do is show up, flirt enough, piss off the right person, change the price and ensure they hit him hard enough that he wouldn't be laughed out of an emergency room.

He knew people too well. They always wanted things. And he was a thing.

He wound up in the hospital by midnight, things having escalated far beyond what he'd planned and yet not beyond what he'd expected. Max arrived within a half hour. He hated hospitals, hated how the doctors and nurses looked at him, hated the bleeping machines and the sounds of crying elsewhere in the emergency department, hated how they asked him about the police and he kept refusing.

"Ash!" Max raced towards him, face white.

Ash scowled. He didn't want his pity. He had to figure out how to plant his—

"The police called—"

"I don't want the police," Ash interrupted. "I'm not reporting it."

Max folded his arms. "Okay."

 _Not gonna fight me on that?_ Ash blinked.

Max exhaled, dropping down next to him. He didn't say anything, and the silence wrapped itself around Ash like a noose.

"Aren't you going to ask me what I was doing out?" Ash demanded. "Or how I got off campus?"

"It's not relevant."

Ash didn't understand. The lights blinded him. He shifted, his body aching. "Are you serious?"

"Do you want me to ask?" Max asked, eyes somber.

Ash pressed his lips together. _No_. He closed his eyes, pretending to sleep. This really was no different than other times. A back alley instead of a bed, still people who didn't seem him as anything remotely human. At least he would get something out of it.

The doctor came in to give him antibiotics and discharged him around two in the morning. Ash's heart pounded. Time was running out—he needed to— "I just need to use the bathroom."

Max nodded.

"Can you wait outside?"

"The bathroom's behind a door, Ash." Max frowned. "Unless, of course, you want to look at the doctor's computer for some reason."

Ash's mouth fell open. Panic surged. _You're working with Dino too, aren't you? You—_

"You know," Max said. "If you'd tell me what this is about, I'd be willing to help you, considering I am a reporter who has contacts."

 _Help me?_ Ash didn't understand. The stupid, garish modern art with its magenta and yellow blobs, swam behind Max's head. _No, this couldn't be for nothing, I didn't—_ "You're a what?"

"A reporter."

"Max Glenreed is not a reporter."

"Max Lobo is."

 _Shit._ He knew that name. The clock ticked away on the wall. Humiliation crawled through Ash.

"Let's go, Ash," Max said. "And if you want to tell me what's going on, I can help you. But I'm not letting you allowing yourself to be in this kind of danger to result in—"

"You really think this is the first time?" Ash interrupted. A harsh laugh burst out. It left a bitter sludge on his tongue. "I—"

"Ash," Max said. His face whitened even more.

"My brother _died_ here," Ash said. "I want to find out what happened to him. That's the only reason I'm at this school."

"Your brother," Max repeated. "Okay. I'll contact my—contact. In the morning. Okay?"

"No."

"Ash, I mean it. Please come with me. Or I will have to call the police, and I don't want to."

"Why not?" Ash demanded. "Bet you'd get extra attention, the dorm parent whose student got himself—"

"I'm not saying a word, Ash."

 _I don't understand_. Someone not wanting to use him? He'd only seen this before with Blanca, and then Blanca fucking left him. He glared at Max, who returned his gaze without any anger, but with a fair amount of worry.

Ash swallowed. But he followed Max out of the hospital, into the rainy night. The damp pavement reflected a dark blob in the parking lot lights, an indistinct shape that was his shadow. He climbed into Max's passenger seat, slamming the car door and leaning against it. He pulled his knees up to his chest.

"George would—"

"I'm not talking to a counselor." He could only imagine the judgment. _You prostituted yourself and planned to back out, but you couldn't, so you got yourself raped to go to the hospital. And you didn't even need to. Now tell me what this says about your poor decision making and how you should trust adults like me._

 _Fuck you._ He didn't want anything. He didn't think, anyways. His head hurt. Ash clutched his skull.

"Fine," said Max. "Then will you talk to someone who's been through the same thing?" He started the car.

"You?" Ash snapped. "Don't make me laugh."

"No. Jessica Randy. She's my—ex-wife. But she's involved in advocacy, and she's been trained in counsel—"

 _Jessica_? The lit teacher? She seemed so strong. Ash gaped at him. _And she's your ex-wife? You and your ex work at the same place? What? Why? How?_

That meant—that cute kid he'd seen running around— _he's your son?_

_Don't you have any idea what kind of place this is? How do you not know what other kinds of people work here? What kind of person even are you?_

"Actually, you don't have a choice. You have to go see her. But you don't have to talk about this. You can talk about school or something else, and I won't tell her, but I'm making you at least work with her."

"You can't make me."

"Watch me." Max drove out of the parking lot.

Ash considered opening the car door and diving out, but breaking his neck didn't seem like a way he wanted to go. He pressed his cheek against the glass. It felt cold.

"Ash," Max said. "I'm sure your brother wouldn't want—"

"Keep my brother's name out of your mouth," Ash said. He knew. He already knew how disappointed Griffin would be if he saw what Ash had become. He wondered if Griff would be like his father, calling him a whore, telling him he wasn't welcome, acting as if he dragged germs around with him. _I don't need you to remind me, asshole!_

"I don't know his name."

"It's Griffin Callenreese."

Max spun to look at him. The red back of a truck flew towards them.

"Hey, watch it!" Ash yelped as Max hit the brakes.

Max turned to gape at him, stopping inches from the car. "You're—that—"

Ash's ribs ached. He clutched his side. "You—knew him?"

"I knew him," Max said.

"So you were—"

"A friend of his," Max confirmed. But there was something else there, too. His voice was choked with ghosts.

"So you're the one who turned him in," Ash said coldly. He wanted to scream. Was this Dino's idea of a sick joke, sending him to be in Max's dorm? "Aren't you?"

The light turned green. But still, Max said nothing.

"It's your fault," Ash said. "It's all your fault; I—"

"Griffin was my dear friend," Max said. "He was like a brother to me. Whatever happened, I don't know, but—he didn't recognize me that night. I wanted to _help_ him, Aslan, not—"

"Don't call me that!" Ash shouted.

Max drove through the school gates. Charlie waved, his face pale when he saw Ash in the car. "Your brother wouldn't want you sneaking out and risking your body for—"

"What would you even know about that?" Ash shouted. Max parked the car. "What would you even know about what he would want, or—"

"He was my best—"

"He was _my_ brother!" And father, in all honesty. Their biological father was trash. And without him—once Griffin left—Ash's chest heaved. "You're a shit best friend, and you're a shit dorm parent, and probably a shit parent to that kid of yours too!"

Max grabbed Ash by the shoulders. Ash jerked back, scrunching up his face. His eyes shut. A million hands felt like they were grabbing him, grime and—

Nothing. Not a punch, not what he expected, not even worse. He cracked his eyes open.

Max gaped at him, hands up, shaking. "I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—grab you like that—if—" His face was haunted by a look Ash knew well, a mirror he didn't want to look into, horror past suddenly closing in again. A flashback of some kind, probably.

"Doesn't matter," Ash eked out. He shoved the car door open. His teeth chattered. His stomach churned.

"Ash, if you want a dorm switch—"

He didn't listen. He marched to his dorm room, past Eiji, who was still awake, and into the bathroom, where his stomach finally crunched all its muscles together, forcing vomit up. Again and again he vomited, pounding his fist into the floor. _Fuck. Fuck._

_Max, it's your fault!_

_Dino, you bastard._

_Griff, Griff, why did you leave me, Griffin, I waited for you—it's so dark, I'm scared—_

The light flicked on. Ash craned his neck up. Eiji stood there, in his neat pajamas. "Ash?"

"Sorry," Ash croaked. "Was at—the hospital. Stomach bug."

Eiji placed his hand on his shoulder. Ash stiffened, but Eiji's fingers weren't grasping, just resting, as if he hoped he could comfort him somehow. He tugged Ash to his bed, dragging the trash can over for him, put a glass of water on the stand next to his bed, all without asking any questions.

Ash lay awake, shivering.

* * *

"Well, he's alive," Shorter reported, shaking his head. "Like, fucking hell, man. Eiji said he was in the hospital for a stomach bug."

Hospital, and not Dr. Mannerheim's on-campus clinic? Yut-Lung doubted it. But he wasn't going to laugh, or be rude about it. Not when Shorter's worry had given him the perfect opportunity to worm into his roommate's confidences. Shorter had actually been talking to him. Okay, Shorter talked to him most days. He wasn't rude like Lao. But now he was talking about _Ash_ to Yut-Lung, which was exactly what Yut-Lung needed.

"You buy that?" Yut-Lung inquired.

Shorter eyed Yut-Lung. "If he wanted to tell me, he would."

"And you're okay with that?" Yut-Lung really didn't understand. "I thought you were friends."

"We are. You can't force a friend to—"

Yut-Lung gulped. "Guess I don't have many friends." He could only imagine what would happen if he did make a friend, though. Wang-Lung would probably do everything to break them up. He'd probably frame them and get them expelled.

 _I'm just destined to be alone. Unlucky stars_.

Yut-Lung felt a splash and looked at his knuckle. Oh. Whoops. He wiped at his eyes.

"Hey," said Shorter, rubbing the top of his skull. "Aren't we friends?"

"Huh?" Yut-Lung looked up.

"I mean, we talk. You don't really hang out with me outside of our room, but—"

"Oh." Yut-Lung frowned. "I guess so." But no. They couldn't be. Shorter was a job to him. A job, because that's what his brothers dictated. _There's no better way._ Yut-Lung lowered his chin, tilting his head to the side.

"You are," Shorter insisted, and something broke inside him. He gaped up at Shorter.

 _A friend?_ He'd never had one. His brothers hadn't let him. The only person who'd ever cared about him was his mother, and they took her away.

"Why is that surprising?" Shorter asked, rubbing the side of his head. "I mean, you just spent a few hours helping me with trying to find Ash. No one who isn't a friend does that."

 _A snake who wants information about Ash does_. But still. He hoped. He wanted. _Friend_. "Thanks."

"Hey," said Shorter again, coming over. He put his arm around Yut-Lung. "You should eat with us in the cafeteria, or sit with us. Ash won't mind."

 _Ash, Ash, Ash. Fucking Ash._ Yut-Lung swallowed his fury. Ash preoccupied all of them, and he was the reason his brothers weren't letting this happen naturally, weren't letting him talk to anyone like just another kid.

_No, it's you, Lee._

_No, it's Ash._

Shorter, Eiji, Sing, Lao. About the only time he could talk to any of them alone was in his room with Shorter or those lessons with Sing. "Everyone will make fun of you for being with the school slut."

"So? We're the school delinquents. I think you'd fit right in."

"I don't see why people are so disgusted I like sex," Yut-Lung said. Well, he didn't. Not at all. But in theory he _could_. He liked the idea of it, and it felt good, at least, and he'd like to do it, someday, with someone he liked. With someone who didn't treat him like disposable doll. He waited to see how Shorter would react. Horrified? Typing that out to someone?

_Please don't let me down._

Shorter snorted. "People shouldn't judge you for that."

 _Really_?

"Have you ever done it?" Yut-Lung asked, tilting his head further so Shorter could see the tattoo his brother made him get last year, the tattoo everyone assumed he'd illegally gotten when in reality his brother sat him down and forced a needle into his throat. Shorter had told him he thought it was cool, and only then Yut-Lung thought he might not hate have the Lees branded into his skin.

"Once," Shorter said.

"On a beach with a surfer chick?" teased Yut-Lung.

"No, it was in a shitty motel, and it wasn't that good. Don't ever repeat that; as far as I will admit is that she had a screaming orgasm and still calls me till this day." He snorted. "That's not true."

"I figured." Yut-Lung wondered.

"First time sex is always awkward, right? Because I totally wasn't googling it trying to make myself feel better."

Yut-Lung doubted his experience had anything to say on the matter. He was only six. "Probably. What does online say?"

"You get better with practice." Shorter shrugged. "Someday. But like, the ratio of guys to girls at this school is depressingly unoptimistic."

"Do you like girls or guys?"

"Mostly girls."

"Mostly?" Yut-Lung's heart picked up pace.

Shorter bit his lip. "Mostly. Sometimes guys are hot. Some of them."

"Do you want a relationship or a hook up?"

"I'm so not ready for a relationship. As long as they're like, cool with that, like no expectations, then we'd see." Shorter leaned back against the wall. "Or maybe I'd want a relationship, if it was the right person."

 _The right person... is definitely not me_. "Well, if you want to get better, jerking off by yourself to an old Christmas card isn't going to help."

"Creepy!" Shorter pointed his finger at him.

"You're loud."

Shorter's face was bright red, a shocking contrast with the purple of his mohawk. His piercing sparkled in the lights. "Or maybe I'm just bad. Never repeat that."

"You're not," Yut-Lung said. "I doubt it."

Shorter frowned. "Are you trying to seduce me?"

 _No. Yes. I don't know_. "Maybe."

"Sorry, dude, but you're my roommate. I can't—" Shorter raised his hands.

"Well, only if you want to." Yut-Lung leaned back, something like disappointment in him. "We could—half do it. I can show you some things. No expectations. You said it yourself, right? It's fine if no one has expectations for anything more than sex."

"Half?" Shorter's nose wrinkled.

"I think you're attractive," Yut-Lung said point-blank. Which he did. But he was also curious. _I want to know what kind of person I am.  
_

_I want to know if I'm broken. If no one will ever want me because of what I've done. If I can enjoy myself._

_I really want to know, even if it isn't perfect._

"I don't know," Shorter said.

"No strings attached," said Yut-Lung. "You don't have to, like, date me." _I couldn't date you, anyways._ "It's up to you."

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I genuinely find you attractive." _And maybe you'll give me information?_ He wondered what his brothers would think, and disgust welled inside of him. That wasn't it. This had stopped being about Ash. _Maybe because… you seem like you care. You were ready to turn the school upside-down to find Ash._

_I can't imagine someone doing that for me._

_And I don't think you'd hurt me._

_I want to know. I want to know what it's like to do it with someone I like, someone I chose, someone I don't have to do it with._

_You're not a job._

_Thank you for asking me to be your friend._

"Sorry," he said, turning away, but Shorter caught his hand.

He went to kneel immediately, but Shorter held him upright, kissing him. It felt strange, and he couldn't fully pry away memories oozing into his head. Still, he felt a hand on his head, not digging into his hair like he was a possession, but awkward just like he was, stroking, comforting.

_You care. None of that was a lie. Even though I'm not Ash._

Yut-Lung slowed, hoping to make it last. _Thank you._ When Shorter finally came, he tilted Yut-Lung's chin up, and he was smiling, but his eyes looked nervous too.

"What's wrong?" asked Yut-Lung.

"Nothing," Shorter said quickly.

"Was I—"

"No, that's not it," Shorter interjected. "I just—you should feel good, too, right?"

 _Huh?_ No one had ever bothered to care about whether or not he was enjoying himself. Yut-Lung closed his eyes as Shorter reached with his hand.

He didn't sleep the rest of the night. He didn't immediately feel the need to jump in the shower and wash another's sweat off him, but instead, something coiled in his stomach.

_Why do you care?_

_That makes everything harder._

_I care, but not like I should._

_How do I know?_

It felt good, but still like something was slipping through his fingers, like something that couldn't last, because he was poison. Spared only because of the alleles in his DNA. Fit for prostitution because of the other half of his DNA. And he was trying to find some pleasure anyways.

But Shorter wasn't into that. If his brothers found out he'd done something like that without their permission— _why did you have to care, why can't I use you, why why why._

_It'd be so much easier if I could hate you._

Instead his hatred, a familiar cord, swung wildly about and landed on the only other breathing target. Himself.

 _I'm disgusting. I just seduced my roommate_. _The one person who seems like he cares. Besides maybe Sing._ But it was hard to tell with Sing, because Yut-Lung was focusing solely on managing to get enough information to appease his brothers so that Wang-Lung wouldn't strangle him.

His brothers would just have to think he hated Shorter, then.

He got up and showered, scrubbing himself and digging his nails into his skin, scraping. Shorter was nice to him. He didn't understand exactly.

 _And I was just using you for me_.

_Because that's all I know how to do._

Yut-Lung sat alone at breakfast, staring into his oatmeal, watching raspberries dissolve and bleed red and knowing he was the epitome of a drama queen.

Laughter. Ash, with that Eiji. Fucking Eiji. And Alex and Kong, Bones too. Sing and Lao were already arguing over bacon strips. The sounds clawed at him.

"Yut-Lung!" Shorter hurried over to him. "Hey, I wanted to—"

"I'm fine by myself." He stabbed his spoon into the oatmeal.

Shorter winced. "I wanted to—talk to you about last night. I mean, you were great, please don't—I mean—but—"

"Are you breaking up with me?" Yut-Lung heard his voice come out a cry. A clatter, and Sing's knife hit his tray. Arthur nudged Dick, nodding.

Shorter froze.

"Don't worry," said Yut-Lung, getting to his feet. "There's nothing to break off. We were never together. Just a quick hook up, right? That's what I said. Just for fun. Getting your first experience with a guy, the school slut. Satisfy your curiosity."

Ash's mouth hung open. Shorter's face was bright red. "Yut-Lung—"

"I had sex with you because I wanted to see what kind of person you were," Yut-Lung snapped. "And now I know."

_You cared._

_I hate myself._

"Hope you enjoyed it," Yut-Lung added, grabbing his bowl of oatmeal. "Anyone else want to get a chance, well, you all know where I live. I'll decide if you're good-looking enough." He stormed over to drop his bowl in the dishwasher, and then he spotted Nadia Wong, Shorter's sister, staring from the kitchen door, a tray of eggs in her hands.

 _Great_. Yut-Lung couldn't even look at Shorter anymore. He couldn't look at any of them. He ran.

But there was no place to go. The campus was surrounded by a brick fence. His brothers would find out soon enough. Even if he went back to his dorm or the Dr. Mannerheim's feigning a migraine, he couldn't escape their wrath.

He could already hear them. _Just like your mother…_

No. No, he was nothing like her. Yut-Lung paused, looking at a small puddle of rainwater in a crack in the pavement. It was too muddy to reflect his face.

_I wish I was something, anything, like you._

He was crying, and he didn't know where to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will get better from here on out?


	4. The Hand That Feeds

_Where are you?_ Sing cussed. A light drizzle fell over campus. His sneakers slipped on fallen leaves. He was definitely missing lit today. Jessica was probably going to roast him when she saw him next.

He finally found him huddled in a grove of trees, leaning back against the stone bench instead of sitting on it. His cheek was scraped from leaning against the rough stone, and his fingers grasped pebbles, tossing them up in the air and watching them land on his legs.

"Everyone's looking for you."

"Everyone?" Yut-Lung craned his neck back, smirking up at Sing. A joyless laugh broke through his lips. "No one is."

"Stop with your self-pity. Nadia Wong sounded the alarm. She's gotten security involved."

Yut-Lung scrambled to his feet, breaths coming quick. "That _bitch!"_

Sing recoiled. "Don't call her that! You started screaming in the cafeteria and ran off, of course she asked security to look for—"

"Now my brothers will—"

"Well, if you didn't want them to find out, maybe you should have thought of that before you started screaming in the cafeteria!" Sing folded his arms, glaring. The rain came harder, pittering and pattering down, plastering his hair to his forehead. A chill seeped down his spine.

"Why aren't you in class?" Yut-Lung shot back.

"You were hysterical? I couldn't just leave you alone?"

He stomped his foot. "I was not hysterical!"

Sing arched his eyebrows. The rain started to pour. Thunder crackled.

"Oh, whatever." Yut-Lung huffed, dropping down on the bench. "I'll just get hypothermia. Or struck by lightning, but God's not that merciful. Go back to class."

"Not without you."

"You can't control me!" Yut-Lung shrieked.

 _What are you, two years old?_ Sing scowled at him. "Did you really sleep with Shorter?"

Yut-Lung's shoulders stiffened. He grasped his elbows. "I gave him a blow job and he gave me a hand job; does that count?"

"Do _you_ think it counts?"

Yut-Lung's nostrils flared.

"You know, I don't hate you, but yelling that in the cafeteria was a really shitty thing to do. It's not just about you."

Yut-Lung scoffed. "You _don't_ hate me?"

"No? But you're acting exactly like the pompous brat everyone says you are. But you don't seem that way in the lessons we take with Blanca. You're fun there. But you—Shorter is one of my—"

"Loved ones? Are you jealous?"

"Shut up!" Sing wrinkled his nose. "No! I just—you seduced him—"

"He was a fully willing participant."

"I really don't need to know!" Sing clamped his hands over his ears. "I just want you to not humiliate him anymore! Because he's my friend!"

Yut-Lung stared at him. Rain soaked through his shirt. He shrugged. "If he slept with the school slut, then—"

"Did you do it because he was just another number to notch on your belt?"

"I don't wear belts. They're hard to match with—"

"You know what I mean! Or did you do it because you liked him?" If Yut-Lung was just using Shorter, Sing wanted to shake him and demand why. Shorter was such a good guy, a protector. To think that Shorter could be used too, could be—

"Are you asking whether I like sex or whether I like him?" Yut-Lung leaned back on his hands.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Neither."

 _Neither?_ Sing gaped at him.

"What, do you think sex is associated with true love?' Yut-Lung jeered. "Don't look so shocked. Some of us have our own reasons."

"Like what, self-destruction? That you're poisoning Shorter with now?" Sing wanted to punch him. "And what's wrong with doing it because you love someone? Or with doing it because you want to? Not everyone treats it so casually and does it just because they're bored, or looking for—whatever it was you were looking for! And no one appreciates being used like that!"

"How would you know?" Yut-Lung shot back.

"I don't, but I can imagine! And Shorter is my friend, and I thought you were too, and I don't like seeing either of you like this! You hurt him!"

Yut-Lung got to his feet. "No," he stated. "You couldn't imagine."

"Fine then!" Sing put his hands on his hips. "I'm not letting you just sit here, though. Nadia really was worried and got Charlie looking for you."

"Why, so she can help my brothers yell at me for hurting her brother?"

"Nadia's not a bitter bitch!"

"Like me?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Whatever." Yut-Lung stormed past him. "I'll go to security. Happy?"

"What do you think?" But Sing followed Yut-Lung until he saw him enter the security office. Then he turned to storm to class, dripping wet.

 _Why are you like this?_ Yut-Lung was bleeding, he could tell, but unlike Shorter, who nodded at Sing when he clasped his shoulder, Yut-Lung tried to bite his hand off.

_Fine. Maybe I can't understand._

_But I would want to, if you'd let me._

* * *

Ash hadn't slept all night, but he got up for classes like normal. Eiji didn't ask about his stomach bug, looking at him with those huge dark eyes, but they weren't the grasping kind of darkness. He didn't understand.

"I don't want to talk about what happened," Shorter said to Jenkins when the dean came running, panting, to find out what happened. "We had a fight. There was a lot of bull—I mean, lies—said. We're roommates; we'll work it out."

Ash could tell Shorter felt worse than that, though. Nadia stepped away from Charlie and came up to him when Jenkins had left, grabbing him by his ear and yanking him back towards the kitchen.

"Uh-oh," Ash said to Eiji.

"Will he be okay?" asked Eiji, worried.

"Sure, she'll just boil him in her stew." But Ash knew Nadia would never. He cringed. Could they all just cancel sex as a thing?

He was so tired. He knew Max probably expected him to take the day off, but he wasn't going to. And Shorter was one of his friends who was unencumbered by the kinds of experiences that were still crawling around inside Ash's mind, the experiences like last night, and yet he still wound up hurt because he trust Yut-Lung, that pretty snake. Even if it wasn't the same.

Ash got to his feet and headed to the door of the kitchen. He heard Nadia's voice: "I'm not mad because of that. You're not mature enough."

"I—Nadia, I—"

"Having sex doesn't magically make you an adult, and it doesn't make anything in life clearer or better just because of what it is. Do you like him?"

"I wasn't—sure. I mean, as a friend, yeah, and he's attractive, but—"

"Think next time. That guy is the—"

"I know who he is, and his brothers—there's no love there, Nadia. Something's not right."

"I _know_ that," Nadia said. "Shorter, please. Just—use your brain. Don't—I'm afraid for you." Her voice cracked.

"Would your job be at risk?" Shorter sounded horrified.

"Don't worry about that. Please just be careful, and don't do stupid things! Stop doing things so fast."

 _Yes_. Ash cussed. But knowing Nadia, she was probably more worried about Shorter not being able to finish school here if she lost her job than about her own circumstances. That woman had fought for custody of her brother when she was just sixteen and Shorter eight, after their parents died, and won. After Shorter got arrested twice, she moved them to the boarding school to try to protect him, get him away from the wrong crowd. Like Ash.

Eiji stood next to him. Ash turned. "Scandalized?"

Eiji shook his head. "Worried."

"He'll be all right," Ash said. He made it to literature. Yut-Lung and Sing both didn't show.

The bell rang. Ash shoved his book into his bag.

"Ash," called Jessica Randy. "Stay for a moment."

 _Max, you asshole_! Of course the guy who turned in Ash's brother would turn him in. Ash ignored her.

"Don't walk away from me, kid." Jessica blocked his path to the door, her hands on her hips, eyes smoldering like teal fire. "Max told me you're gonna be tutoring Michael once a week."

 _I am_? Ash's mouth fell open. _Are you using your son to help me? You're the worst parent I ever met, Max!_

_No, that doesn't make sense. Why would you want me around your son?_

"See you around five," said Jessica. "Don't be late, kid."

"Fine, old lady."

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you talking to me?"

Ash gestured at the empty classroom. "I don't see any other old ladies around."

Jessica stepped back, hair swishing behind her. "Make sure you're on time for your next class, since I'm not giving you a late pass, smart-mouth."

 _So you didn't tell her, Max._ Ash scowled. He still didn't understand. This was a disaster in the making. But at least if Max wanted to use him, it was more annoying than insidious, and wasn't likely to make him hate himself more. And Michael turned out to be cute and enthusiastic. "I know you! You hang out with Skip. Skip is so cool!"

"You should talk to him," Ash said. "He's nice."

"I will!" Michael beamed.

 _Well, good, Skip, looks like you're gonna have a new friend, five years younger like you are with me_. Ash got Michael to study by promising to draw with him after he finished his worksheet.

Max showed up just before dinner. Jessica was making curry when he nodded to Ash and ducked into the kitchen.

 _I haven't forgotten you, old man._ Ash spent math class sharpening the barbs he planned to launch at Max. But not in front of Michael. The kid wasn't responsible for his shitty father.

"Daddy!" called Michael.

Max stuck his head out of the kitchen. His eyes shone. Ash frowned.

"Are you staying for dinner?"

Max's eyes slid to the side, probably towards where Jessica was standing. "Not tonight, sport."

"Aw." Michael heaved a sigh. The sound of bickering erupted, and Michael pulled his legs to his chest.

"Hey," Ash said. "You okay?"

"I wish they wouldn't fight." Michael's lower lip stuck out.

Jessica's voice broke from the kitchen. "... you thought that what, me coming back here after a year on sabbatical would mean I'd jump into your bed again?"

"Not so Michael can hear!" shrieked Max.

"What could be worse than this?" Michael complained, looking up at the ceiling as if God might answer him.

Ash snorted.

"Did your parents fight?"

"I don't have parents," Ash said. "Just a brother."

Ash heard the floorboards creak. He turned to see Max and Jessica both standing there, a stunned look on her face. _Oh, fuck._

Still, he wasn't going to react in front of Michael. "See you later, Michael, okay? Say hi to Skip tomorrow, I'll text him about you."

"Bye." Michael watched him go, frowning.

Max walked behind Ash. He said nothing.

"Trying to get me to do your parenting duties for you?" Ash finally demanded. "All parents are shit anyways. Guess I shouldn't be surprised."

"Ash."

He didn't look back. "You know, your ex-wife doesn't exactly seem the type to want to help anyone. Especially if they're associated with you."

"She appreciates you helping Michael. He's withdrawn—"

"Maybe because his parents are arguing all the—"

Max groaned. "Ash, I want to talk about _you_ —"

"No, you don't." Ash snorted, stopping outside of the dorm. "Thought you'd knock out two birds with one stone, did you? Have me bond with Jessica, work with your son, give your son someone to talk to to get you off the hook?"

Max sucked in his breath. Ash froze. His heart pounded.

"I suppose that's fair," Max said quietly.

 _Huh?_ Ash's mouth fell open. "What the—"

"I don't know what I'm doing here," Max muttered, rubbing his face. "And you shouldn't have to point it out to me. You're just a kid."

Ash stared. Max pushed past him, unlocking the door to his apartment. "You missed dinner." He gestured for Ash to come in.

Ash considered saying he wasn't hungry, but his stomach rumbled. He stepped inside the apartment, furnished with a threadbare sofa, an overstuffed armchair, and IKEA shelves. Photographs covered the walls, photos of Max in the army, Max and Jessica, Max and Michael, so many photos of Michael. And—a photo of Max with Griffin, their arms around each other, smiles lighting up their faces.

"Are you here because you want to get back with Jessica?" Ash heard himself ask, tearing his gaze away from his brother's face. It seared in his chest, his spine. _Why?_

_I don't know if I ever saw you smile like that._

"No," Max said. "Though I'm hoping to be here for Michael. I'm working in this town for another reason. I moved us here for that reason, but then Jessica was attacked, and when I wanted to leave, she didn't. She just wanted a sabbatical."

"Away from you?" Ash questioned.

Max met Ash's gaze, nodding as he heated up something that smelled spicy and meaty. "I came here to find out what happened to Griffin." The kitchen light shone yellow.

"Huh?" Ash didn't understand. "You what?"

"Yes, Ash, I called the police that night. But I never thought for a moment that was the full story," Max said. "I knew your brother. He wrote poetry. In war—we saw a lot of terrible things, had to do a lot of terrible things without questioning. We all had our ways of coping. Griffin's was drugs. I knew he struggled, I wanted to help him get clean. He was gentle and he used to write letters to you, talk about you all the time." Max rubbed his face.

Ash's heart pounded. He didn't know what to say. He tried to think that Max would be lying, tell himself that Max couldn't care, but—

"What'll you do once you find out the truth?" Max asked, turning to watch Ash. The stove flickered, burner heating up the chili.

"I don't know," Ash muttered. "I—he—"

"You don't have to prove yourself," Max said. "Griffin wanted to get back to you. He loved you. He'd never want you to endanger—"

"Well, _I_ want to!" Ash shouted. "I want to—I have to—he's the one who raised me, he—"

"I know," Max cut in. "Griff never talked about your father, but—"

 _Aw, shit._ Ash wilted back against the wall. "You called him today, to tell him about last night, didn't you."

Max cringed. "Well, legally, I had to."

"Let me guess," said Ash. "He called me a whore and asked if I'd seduced you yet."

Max paled.

"That's just how he is."

"Well, I told him that was no way to talk about his son. He's a terrible father."

Ash's eyes popped. He watched as Max stirred the chili again. _You—_

"Griffin wouldn't have stood for it."

Ash swallowed. His eyes stung.

"Ash," said Max, turning back towards him. "I will let you help me look for records, look into what happened to Griffin. I'm already far ahead of where you are: there was nothing to be found in the hospital's records. You have to look at a clinic run by a Dr. Meredith for info, and I have that info."

"Really?" Ash didn't know what to think.

"But you can only help me under one condition," Max said firmly. His eyes bore into Ash's. "You're not allowed to put yourself in danger. Not like last night. Not again. You're worth more than that."

Ash studied his converse sneakers, the stain over his big toe. "Not according to my father."

"Your father never came looking for Griffin, so he isn't worth shit. And you are also not at fault for what happened last night."

Ash clenched his hands. "Why not? I knew what was going to happen. I wanted to—"

" _They_ made a choice. You didn't. You're a kid." Max aimed the spatula at him. "Don't fight me on that."

 _So you don't think I'm a whore_. But he was. There was no other explanation for why it kept happening to him, again and again and again, eight years old, nine, eleven, sixteen.

_Even if it kills me, I'll be something else._

Ash kicked the chair back at Max's kitchen table and plopped down. "I guess I can keep tutoring Michael. He seems like a fun kid." _Okay, maybe you do know what you're doing, even if you don't realize it yet._

Max beamed. "He's the best kid. He's got all of Jessica's bravery and—"

As Max droned on and on, Ash found himself wondering if Griffin had ever discussed him like this, with a light glowing in his voice.

* * *

Eiji tried to call his mother. She'd told him to call at nine in the evening his time, but she wasn't answering. Probably had to be at work early. He hung up.

"Yo." Ash appeared in their dorm room. "Shorter not here?"

"He was, but I was calling my mom because she said to, but she must be working," said Eiji, scrambling across his bed to peer up at Ash. "Shorter's—frustrated."

"How about you?" Ash asked, turning away. "Are _you_ okay?" He gestured to the phone as he hung up his jacket.

Eiji shrugged. "It's pretty typical. She has a busy job. My dad's sick, so he can't work."

"Sick?" Ash asked, sitting on the edge of his own bed.

"His liver." Eiji closed his eyes. "I should probably feel worse about it than I do. I don't know how much to worry. It's been going on for so long."

"What do you mean?" Ash inquired. He kicked his legs up, flopping onto his back.

"I guess he was never around, because of all the health issues, and work, so I'm not—I don't feel super connected." Eiji pressed his lips together. "Not that that's their fault. They have a lot to deal with. He liked to go out drinking before he got sick, when he wasn't working, which he usually was. But then he got sick, so. Ibe's the one who—I go to him if I need advice."

"Ah." Ash stared up at the ceiling. "Guess it's similar. My dad took off—I mean, my mom took off first, soon after she had me, because she wanted a more exciting life than a baby. And my dad already had left his partner of like, fifteen years, for her, so then he shacked up with another lady. I would've starved if it weren't for my brother."

"Your brother?" Eiji watched him. The night before, he could hear Ash's breaths, could tell Ash was lying awake, unable to sleep. He saw it in Ash's eyes, the way he was locking himself up to protect others. He knew it well.

"Griffin. He was fifteen when I was born, but he still raised me." Ash rolled over, looking at Eiji over the pillow he hugged to his chest. "He killed himself in this place. Near here."

"What?" Eiji sat straight up. He couldn't imagine—his sister—

"They say he went crazy. He was in the army, he had to—he left when I was about seven, and then he—he lost it when he got back, he shot a bunch of his friends, or so they say. They found him with the gun in his hand and took him to a hospital for a psych evaluation, except he killed himself soon after." Ash eyed him. "Scared to room with me now?"

Eiji's hands felt cold. "No? It's your brother, not you. And—"

"I don't think it was him," Ash interrupted. "He's not—I don't understand it. If it was him, I want to know how, how he became that person. If it wasn't, then I want to know—who."

"Seriously?" Eiji gaped.

"Yep." Ash sighed.

"Wow." Eiji didn't know what to say. He couldn't blame Ash. _This is someone you love, right? Someone you want to understand, want to know, even if it's bad. Because you love them._

He wondered if he'd ever feel that way. About his family. About a partner. About anyone.

"I have to find out," Ash said.

"Then don't do it alone," said Eiji. "Ask Shorter for help, or ask me." _Whatever happened last night—we wouldn't let that happen to you._

Ash frowned. "That's not part of the plan."

"Why not?" Eiji looked down at his hands, empty.

_Daddy, are you okay?_

_Daddy, look at me._

_Hey Okumura, where're your parents?_

_Don't worry about me, Mom, I'll be all right._

He still wanted more. He wanted to feel like he earned the right to live, to breathe in the air, to be in America, to have Ibe's support even though he couldn't fling himself into the air anymore. But school wasn't easy, not in a new language he struggled to follow sometimes. "I—want to be useful to someone."

"You are."

"Well, I feel useless sometimes.

"What? Eiji, you're not useless." Ash stared at him, eyes green fire.

Eiji stared at his sock-covered feet. "I used to be a top athlete. A pole vaulter. And then I sprained my ankle, and—I could still jump again. If I wanted to. But every time I try, I can't make myself jump anymore. It was the only thing I had." It was all empty, and it weighed him down with shame. The one thing he could do, he couldn't do anymore, because his mind was so weak. "Ibe worried, so he brought me here, and I—" Eiji pressed his lips together. "I don't know why I'm here."

Ash snorted. "You almost sound like you want to justify being here."

Here, America. Here, alive. "I—" Eiji swallowed. "I guess so. I know I'd probably only be a burden to you; I don't know the first thing about anything we'd be looking into, but—you're my friend, so I want to help you."

"Friend," Ash repeated.

"Yeah."

"Yeah," Ash said, a small smile on his lips. "Friend. You wouldn't be a burden."

 _I wouldn't?_ But he'd always been one, just another mouth to feed to his parents, someone to worry over, and he'd often thought that if he kept very quiet, if he faded, he might just vanish and alleviate their worries. And here, he kept expecting Ibe to cluck his tongue, shake his head, tell Eiji he was letting him down. But he hadn't so far. Not even when Eiji got a detention.

"I guess you can help," Ash said. "I should text Shorter. He'll probably need a distraction and a reason to escape his roommate-with-benefits." He yanked his shoes off. One fell to the floor; the other stayed perched on the bed. "And again, you've never seemed useless, Eiji. I mean, I don't know you that well, but—yeah. You're my friend. That's not useless."

Something felt warm inside his chest. "Messy American," Eiji said. "Put your shoes on the floor."

Ash hurled one of the shoes at him. Eiji yelped, blocking it with his pillow. He laughed. Ash tossed the other shoe, and this time it bonked off Eiji's forehead. He covered his face.

"Are you okay?" Ash cried out.

Eiji peeked out through his fingertips. He threw the shoes back at Ash.

"Hey!" Ash snatched his pillow as a shield. Eiji grabbed his own shoes, tossing them.

The door connecting their room to the bathroom they shared with their suitemates opened. Bones let out a howl as Ash's shoe landed in his face.

"Sorry!" squeaked Eiji.


	5. A Slap of Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! I've written 14 chapters of this story so far and it keeps getting longer... current plan is for 20 chapters, but it might be more like 21-22 depending on how stubborn the characters are acting. 
> 
> Also, daily updates will go on a sliiiight break this weekend--I plan to update tomorrow but won't on Friday, and will update either Saturday or Sunday, but not both because I'm going skiing :) Back to normal on Monday, though!

"Why did you drag me here?" Yut-Lung complained. "I have a biology lesson. You know, the lessons you ordered me to take." He kept his arms at his sides. It felt like all his blood was pooling into his hands, weighing him down. He wanted to wrap them around himself, keep himself warm, but he couldn't.

Wang-Lung just stared at him. Hua-Lung cleared his throat, getting up to shut the door behind him. His brother's office was decorated with purple vases, golden fake flowers springing from them, dragon sigils plastered on tapestries over the walls. The oriental carpet was soft even through his shoes. There was not a single family photograph, not of their father, not of Wang-Lung's wife and children, not of his other five brothers. To Wang-Lung, the Lee family crest on the wall hangings was all that mattered.

"You know why you're here," Hua-Lung said finally, folding his hands as he sat down in the seat next to Wang-Lung's desk.

He'd rather play dumb. Force them to say it. It would be interesting, hearing those ugly words from their pretty lips. "I don't."

Wang-Lung got to his feet. Yut-Lung's heart pounded. He couldn't swallow.

Wang-Lung slapped him across the face. He stumbled back, trying to stay on his feet, maintain some sense of dignity, but he tripped and tumbled to the carpet. His brother grabbed his throat.

"Wang-Lung, he has a lesson!" Hua-Lung cried, cutting in.

 _Shut up!_ Yut-Lung would rather Hua-Lung let him suffer.

"You slept with that—"

"Aren't you the one always saying I'm a slut?" Yut-Lung shot back. "Well, sorry I'm exactly that!"

Wang-Lung's hand rose again.

" _Please_ ," Hua-Lung interjected.

"I thought you were at least a smart whore," Wang-Lung said, his grip loosening on Yut-Lung's throat. He cussed, getting to his feet, leaving Yut-Lung broken on the ground. But he was still breathing.

_Mommy!_

She wasn't here. He was all that was left, a body to be beaten and used, a mind determined to break them down even if it meant his own end. "There is nothing more to it," Yut-Lung managed. "I was trying to get information on Ash Lynx. I told you that's why Blanca is at this school. For him."

"And did you?"

Yut-Lung's eyes burned. He wanted to melt into the purple carpet. "No."

"Try to remember that the Lee name and blood is the reason you're still alive," said Wang-Lung. "Not that slut's blood, and the name she didn't have. Otherwise you'd be dead like her."

Yut-Lung focused on clenching every single muscle in his body. He could not flinch. He could not show Wang-Lung the burning, festering hole inside him.

"Get to your lesson." Wang-Lung turned to his computer. "And don't let me down. Again. You've shamed the Lee name; now make it up."

Yut-Lung nodded. He scrambled to his feet, scurrying to the science block. It'd been three days since his meltdown in the cafeteria. Sing tried to speak to him a few times but he ignored him. Max tried to get him to see George, or to talk to him. He laughed in the dorm parent's face. Shorter could barely look at him. Yut-Lung kept the lights off, but Shorter spent most of his time in Ash and Eiji's room anyways, or Sing and Lao's.

"You're late," Blanca greeted him.

"Sue me." Yut-Lung didn't care if he got a detention. He dropped into the seat next to Sing, ignoring the crease in Sing's brow. _I want to die._

Ash was just like him, wasn't he? He knew what Golzine had done to him. He knew how Golzine had found Ash. He'd mentioned Ash that night he fucked Yut-Lung, and all Yut-Lung could think was that there were other boys like him, other boys plucked for their beauty and brains and tortured for things that the universe gifted them. The double-edged sword that they had to spend every single second of every single day enduring the agony of.

It was the first time Yut-Lung felt hope since his mother stopped screaming.

 _Why do you get to live?_ He heard Ash laughing with that Japanese boy, saw him and Max smiling, saw him tutoring the younger kids. And yet Golzine was watching him for some reason.

_Maybe I could help him._

No, he couldn't. He'd blown that when he blew Shorter.

_I'm trapped._

"Hey," Sing hissed when Blanca had given them worksheets. "Do you get—"

"No, Sing," Yut-Lung snapped. He wasn't helping him today. Actually, he could barely help himself today. His brain felt like it wasn't computing. The words blurred on the page.

"God, you don't need to take out your disgust with yourself onto me," Sing grumbled.

Yut-Lung stabbed his pen into the worksheet. His jaw trembled. No. He had to _con_ -cen-trate. He had to ace everything. And helping Sing was pointless because it brought him nothing. Not that anything brought him anything besides another person to sleep with and another task from his brothers and his mom was still dead and he didn't even get to say goodbye and everyone still hated him.

He wished he could be a machine.

When Blanca dismissed them, Yut-Lung hesitated, and then swiped the keys that rested on the ugly shelf by the door, the one that was metal and painted the color of a decaying teal whale. Sing called after him, and he ignored him. He ate dinner in a corner of the cafeteria by himself. When everyone else went back to their dorms as the rules stated they should, he lingered. What were they going to do, expel him?

He slipped through the hallways of the science block, deserted now. Good thing his footsteps were quiet. Wang-Lung used to beat him if he made too much noise. He hurried towards Blanca's classroom. The lights were off. He unlocked the door and slipped over to the computer, powering it on. As he waited for it to start up, he rummaged through the desk drawers, looking for something, anything, he didn't even know what.

A wine bottle. Could be useful. And...

"You know, a password's required for that."

Yut-Lung's heart flew into his throat. He almost gagged. But he stayed seated. "It's 'Natasha,' isn't it."

"And how would you know that?"

"The wine in your bottom drawer has her name." Yut-Lung lifted his head. "Giving me a detention?"

"No. I was wondering how long it'd take you to swipe those oh-so-conveniently positioned keys," said Blanca, flicking on the lights. "And then once you finally did today, waiting here to see what you were up to. It's quite obvious you're not in need of extra biology lessons, considering your work is exemplary."

 _It is?_ Yut-Lung sat up straighter, only to immediately shrank in his seat as Blanca walked closer to him. He swallowed, looking up at him. "You knew the entire time?" _I'm an idiot. I'm a complete failure._

Blanca dragged a chair over towards the desk, sitting in it. It would have been a comical sight, this huge teacher sitting in a desk made for a high schooler, but Yut-Lung was too preoccupied with trying not to cry. "Do you want to tell me what this is about?"

"I don't know," Yut-Lung said. "Could you guess?"

"My guess is that Wang-Lung wants to find out why I'm working here."

"For Ash Lynx," said Yut-Lung.

"Yes. I tutored him years ago."

Yut-Lung's eyes bulged. _You're just telling me this?_

"There's not much to go on with that, Yut-Lung."

The clock ticked and tocked in the background. Yut-Lung gripped the armrests. "Can I go, then?"

"That depends."

Yut-Lung shoved the chair back, panic surging. _Are you—of course my brothers were wrong about this, of—_

Blanca's face suddenly whitened as if he realized what Yut-Lung was thinking. He leaped to his feet, hands up. "No, no, Yut-Lung—that's not at all—" He pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. "I am not going to hurt you."

Yut-Lung didn't understand. "Even if I run to my brothers right now?"

"I would prefer to hurt _them_ , not you." Blanca frowned. "Do you want to work for them?"

"Huh?"

"You showed up today with half of your face awfully red. Like you'd been hit."

Yut-Lung gulped. "Stay out of it."

"I don't think so. I'm extremely concerned about you. You're—"

"I'll just bet you are!" Yut-Lung screamed. "You're here for Ash, and for Golzine, and I've slept with him too already, you know that? Golzine. Three years ago. Or do you want to pretend you're somehow better than Golzine—"

"Do you want me to make a police report?"

"Huh?" Yut-Lung gaped at him.

"Because if you would like me to, I will," stated Blanca. "Ash insisted I not do so for him, so—"

 _And you listened_? Yut-Lung didn't understand. Adults never listened. He shook his head. "I'd have nowhere to go then."

Blanca sighed. "Do you want some tea?"

Yut-Lung was still suspicious. But he nodded. He gingerly lowered himself back down into his seat, trying to breathe.

"You know Ash's past, don't you?"

Yut-Lung nodded again. "He was one of Golzine's prostitutes."

"Are your brothers for you what Golzine is for him?"

"Pimps?" Yut-Lung's face reddened. "Don't go to the police."

Blanca set a cup of what smelled like jasmine tea in front of him. Yut-Lung wrapped his hands around it. The warmth seeped into his palms, stinging the skin a little. The aroma comforted him. His eyes drifted shut. _Is this really happening?_

"You can tell your brothers I was Ash's tutor," Blanca said. "And that I was once married to a Natasha. I'll give you more details, the irrelevant ones, as the year goes on. You won't need to snoop for them."

Yut-Lung's head snapped up. "You'd... help me?"

"I hardly doubt you want to see your brothers take over the school."

Yut-Lung frowned, staring into the light golden-green brew. "Are you doing this for Golzine?"

"No. My contract with him concerns Ash alone, and I'm not going to give you relevant information on that. It's for Ash's own good. Whether this benefits Golzine or not is irrelevant."

 _For Ash's own good._ Yut-Lung met Blanca's eyes. _Do you really care?_ "What do you want in return?"

"Next time your brothers want you to sleep with someone, unless you _want_ to, tell me, and I will create some kind of—diversion, or something. You won't have to."

"Will I have to sleep with you instead?"

Blanca recoiled. "No."

 _You really want to try to protect me_? Yut-Lung hesitated. Could he believe him? Should he? But— "Hua-Lung asked me for dinner this weekend."

"A guest, or—"

"No, just with him." Yut-Lung met Blanca's gaze. _Are you getting what I'm telling you?_

Blanca shoved his tea away from him, lips curling as if he felt sick.

_See? I'm disgusting._

"You do have a detention, then," Blanca said. "For that night. I'm sure if they think it'll benefit him with you getting the chance to spy on me, then they'll let you."

Yut-Lung's eyes stung. "Really?"

"Do you think that would work?"

"Yes, but—" _Really? You're for real?_

Blanca nodded.

Yut-Lung lowered his head. "Thank you."

"I heard George is quite good at—"

"I'm not seeing a counselor."

Blanca exhaled. "Fine."

 _You're really not pressuring me_. Yut-Lung brought the tea to his mouth and sipped. It tasted sweet, soft as it slid down his esophagus.

"Advice," said Blanca. "Be less rude to your classmates. Sing isn't judging you. You are a good tutor to him."

Yut-Lung scowled. "Hmph." Still, he muttered a _thank you._

"One more thing," said Blanca. "Do you need medical attention?"

Yut-Lung frowned. "It was just a slap."

"That isn't what I'm talking about." Blanca's eyes looked somber. "There's a clinic in town, run by a doctor named Meredith. You're young, and what they're doing to you is wrong and dangerous. You have to take care of yourself."

"I'm _fine_." Yut-Lung cursed internally. He didn't want to think about that. Not right now, when, maybe for the first time, he felt like somebody might be in his court. Maybe.

"All right."

When he got back to his dorm, he spotted Sing in the lounge. Sing waved at him. Lao noticed and scowled.

Yut-Lung waved back.

* * *

"Ready to go?" Ash asked Eiji. He held the pass from Max in his hand, the pass that allowed him off campus. Just to Dr. Meredith's, because Max made him promise not to do anything dangerous.

"Ready." Eiji put on some pink tinted sunglasses. They matched his pink jacket.

"Is that your disguise?" demanded Shorter.

"Yes?" Eiji blinked.

Ash snorted. He slung an arm over Eiji's shoulders. "It's fine. It's good."

"You look like you're a walking advertisement for the local thrift store," Yut-Lung said when they passed him, looking at them in mixed horror and disgust as they turned to leave. "If you entered if from a time machine that took you back to the 80's." He seemed peppier the past few days. Which Ash supposed was good for Shorter, even though Ash still couldn't fathom the idea that they'd actually messed around. _Why. Just why._

"Shut up," snapped Shorter.

"You look like you raided your grandmother's closet," Ash retorted.

"Has Yut-Lung been okay?" Eiji asked as they headed down the paths leading towards the main campus gate, where they'd have to scan their IDs.

Shorter shrugged. "He's coming around. It's kinda like it was in the beginning at first. Awkward, though."

"He's so miserable," Eiji remarked. Piles of leaves gathered around the bottoms of trees, brick red and burnt orange dissolving into brown dust.

"He brings it on himself," Ash grumbled. He wouldn't forgive Yut-Lung for humiliating Shorter like that. Something like that should be private, especially since Shorter actually got to make his own choices about his body. To still have that be betrayed—

"What's so shitty is that he's like, always been miserable," Shorter said. "But I was starting to think he might be a friend anyways. He reminded me of you, Ash, and you, Eiji."

"Ew," said Ash.

"Really?" asked Eiji.

Shorter shrugged. "He's not really like either of you, though. You wouldn't do _that_." He pressed his lips together.

Aw, hell. Ash could tell Shorter felt badly about it, too, even if he wouldn't say as much. "You didn't do anything wrong. He is attractive. Physically. I guess. If you like—"

"Stop trying to make me feel better; it's not working."

Ash rolled his eyes.

"Excuse me," called one of the security guards at the gate. "We're not allowed to let you leave."

"Excuse me?" Ash asked, blinking.

"You can," the guard said to Eiji, nodding. "But not you, Shorter Wong. Not after the incident last week. And you've been restricted as well, Ash—"

"I have a pass." Ash yanked out the pink slip of paper. "See? Our dorm parent signed it." His heart pounded. _Dino, you fucking—_

"I'm afraid the principal himself called earlier to—"

 _How did he even know_? Ash's mouth hung open. "Call Max."

"No." The security guard stepped in front of the gate. Evanstine, that was his name.

"Where's Charlie, then?" demanded Ash. Charlie wouldn't take unfair, arbitrary orders from Dino. Charlie cared too much.

"He's on his break."

"In his office?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Come on," Ash said to Shorter and to Eiji. He marched past the dumb security guard, storming behind the security bunk towards the stone offices where the head of security's office was. The door was closed.

"You can't interrupt him on a—"

"I didn't ask you!"

"That's—"

Ash shoved the door open. "Charlie! Charlie, I—" He froze. Shorter and Eiji stopped still behind him.

Charlie was standing, his arms around a woman who sat on his desk. Her arms stretched up, over his head, her lips plastered to his.

Nadia.

Nadia Wong.

Ash felt as if the world had just tipped upside down, papers and paper weights and computers falling from the ceiling.

"Dude, _what the fuck?_ " exploded Shorter. "She's my sister!"

Eiji shrunk back. Ash was still just gaping. "Why am I not allowed to leave campus?"

"Why are you—how long has this—" Shorter fumbled for words. "I don't approve!"

"Shorter, we're talking. Now," said Nadia, reaching for him.

Shorter sent Charlie a glare that sent a chill into Ash's stomach. Charlie cringed, rubbing his skull, his mussed red curls. Nadia dragged Shorter out of the room, leaving Ash and Eiji alone with Charlie. Ash's head felt as if it was underwater. _Nadia? You and Nadia?_

_Okay, you're all right, and Nadia deserves to be happy, but still!_

"Why am I not allowed to leave?" Ash croaked out. "Even with a pass?"

Charlie scowled, face camouflaging with his red hair. He ran his hand through his rumpled hair. "You'll have to take that up with Dino Golzine, Ash."

"You know more than you're saying."

"We just received the phone call an hour ago—I was asking Nadia specifically how to tell you about it—your dorm parent doesn't even know yet—"

 _What?_ "Tell me!" Ash shouted.

"All I know is that he said you snuck off campus and wound up in hospital a week ago, so in the interest of protecting—"

 _He has no interest in protecting me! Only himself_!

Charlie stopped at the look on Ash's face. "Ash, I'm sorry. I really am. It's not fair, and I—"

 _If Charlie knows, Golzine knows._ Ash couldn't stand Charlie looking at him like that, eyes awash in pity. It was a black light of a gaze, revealing the sticky stains and grime on him. _Don't!_ "You and Nadia?" Ash managed. Anything to get the spotlight off himself.

Charlie grimaced. Eiji gulped.

"If you hurt her, I'll help Shorter dismember you," Ash warned.

Charlie's face actually softened. "She's not a fling, Ash. I love her."

_What? But you're a cop. Her brother's been in juvie. And she—she—she comforts everyone around her, isn't that—why would you need—_

"Ash," said Charlie. "If you have something you'd like to tell—"

"Fuck off!" Ash turned on his heel and ran. Nadia and Shorter were still arguing out back, Shorter looking almost like a little boy with his eyes huge, his sunglasses in his hand, his lower lip sticking out as he looked down at the sister who raised him. The look was so familiar. The breaks in Shorter's voice.

" _Why do you have to go?"_

" _I'll be back, Ash, I promise!" Griffin knelt in front of him._

"Ash?" called Eiji, keeping pace with Ash as he raced towards the principal's office. He shoved the door open. Marvin rose from the desk in the other office. Ash ignored him, rushing into the inner office. Dino sat there in his big leather chair, on a conference call.

"Why can't I leave campus?" Ash bellowed.

Marvin snorted, appearing in the doorway. Ash flinched, the laughter mocking him even now. The crimson carpet had cost Dino almost a month's salary. Awards and degrees hung on the walls. So familiar. He knew it all.

"Excuse me, sir," said Dino. "But I'm afraid I have to hang up now. A problem student, you know." He hung up, folding his hands. "Take your hands out of your pockets when you're—"

Ash slammed his arm across the desk, sending Dino's laptop, phone, and a pile of papers crashing onto the floor. Eiji let out a gasp. "Tell me why!"

"Because you went out and got yourself raped the other week, that's why! As your principal and your sponsor, it's my job to protect you from things, including yourself!"

 _Myself_. Ash gaped at Dino. _This was a mistake. Thinking I could work from here, have even an illusion of safety. Thinking Max's help would mean I could succeed._

"Ash?" Eiji's voice.

He heard. Ash's face burned. He almost saw satisfaction cleave its way into Dino's muddy green eyes.

"Forget it." Ash turned to stalk down the hallway. He was done playing in the rules. If Max wanted to help him break the rules, then he'd consider that. But—

"You don't just destroy the principal's property and walk away! I have half a mind to give you a deten—" Marvin's voice started.

"I wouldn't touch him when he's in a mood, Marvin," another voice cut in.

 _Not you!_ Ash glared. Blanca. But he stood at a fork in the hallway, blocking Marvin from reaching out for Ash.

"Especially if he's been acting violently," Blanca continued, folding his arms. "I remember when you broke your arm a few years ago."

You _broke it._ Ash remembered. Blanca snapping Marvin's arm when he tried to drag Ash to another skeezy motel reeking of piss—it was the first time someone ever stood up for him.

And then Blanca left.

Marvin grumbled something unintelligible, stalking back towards the office. Blanca turned to Ash, and that was when Ash realized that Eiji was still beside him. The whole time. _Huh?_

"Be smarter," Blanca told him.

"No," Ash retorted, looking up into Blanca's gaze. Ha tried to catch his breath. He couldn't. "You don't get to pretend you care. Run off and fuck some random girls on your off days; I don't care. But you don't get to lecture me and you don't get to pretend like you care!"

"Go away," Eiji told Blanca, voice trembling. "Please."

Blanca's eyebrows shot up. But he backed away.

Ash was shaking. Eiji looked at him, those ridiculous sunglasses on his face. And he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Ash, enveloping him, breathing against him, holding him as he trembled and trembled. He didn't run away.

_Don't I scare you?_

He knew the answer.


	6. Regrets

Eiji could see raw pain bleeding in Ash's eyes as he tugged him back towards their dorm. Ash stumbled along. Shorter wasn't back yet. Eiji knocked on Max's door, arm around Ash.

The door opened. Max's eyes widened. He stood back to let them in. "Er, Jessica—"

"I see you're busy," Jessica said. "I'll go." She pushed aside a barely-touched glass of what looked like whiskey and stood up from the kitchen table, hoisting her purse over her shoulder.

"Sorry," Eiji stammered. Ash mumbled something.

Jessica paused by the door. "No need to be sorry, Eiji. Ash, Michael says hi."

Ash almost smiled. The door closed.

"What happened?" Max demanded. "Where's Shorter? You didn't—"

"Never mind Shorter; he's traumatized," Ash said, slumping down on Max's ratty couch, which was faded red. "He saw his sister and Charlie making out."

Max winced. "So he found out."

" _You knew?"_ shrieked Ash. Eiji perched on the arm of the couch.

Max snorted, but his brow pinched together. "I'm guessing that isn't why you look so pale."

"I'm Irish."

"I'm guessing that also isn't why."

Ash blew out his breath. "Dino's not letting me leave campus. The man's like trying to keep me here, like it's some kind of prison, or—"

"Dino?" Max blinked. "What's he got to do with this?"

"He found out—what happened the other week—but that's not really the reason. He just wants to control me, to—"

"Back up," said Max, dropping into a soft blue armchair and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. Eiji noticed framed photos of Michael on the wall. And friends, and Jessica. "What—"

"Have you really not figured out who that old man is?" Ash asked. "He thinks he owns me. 'I picked you off the streets,' he'll say. I worked for him, or his subordinates, when I was nine, until I started working only for him after a few years."

Max shot to his feet. Eiji's stomach clenched. _Are you saying what I think you're—_

"Ash," Max said, nostrils flaring. "He—are you saying he—"

Ash stared up at Max, eyes defiant green flint.

Could those eyes ever be anything else? Eiji wanted to cry. _You have to see him every day!_

"Ash," whispered Max.

 _You can. You don't have to have your shields up. Neither Max nor I are going to hurt you._ Eiji put his hand on Ash's shoulder. His friend looked up at him, gulping.

"Fuck," said Max.

Ash buried his face in his hands. "I'm here—not running away—because I think he knows what happened to Griff. A reporter suggested as much last summer, that someone who knew what happened to Griff was here, or the answer was here somehow, and I know Golzine's done some shady business here. The reporter got axed the next day. And I mean literally. Only Golzine could have overheard that." He sucked in his breath. "He broke into the room almost immediately after; I didn't even get to ask any questions."

"Has he touched you since coming here?" Max demanded.

Ash shook his head.

"He's not going to," Max said.

"If you go to the police, I will run," Ash stated, looking straight up. "I don't trust any of them."

Eiji winced.

Max groaned. "Fine. But I will go and talk to Meredith. Not you. This is how it should've been anyways. I thought it was safe to let you go there on your own, but if the principal's involved… You're a kid."

"He's _my_ brother!" Ash stood on his feet, fists clenched. Eiji gulped.

"Do you think your brother would let you go?" Max asked. "If he were me?"

Ash scowled. "He's not you."

"Do you trust me to tell you the truth?" Max asked, facing him.

"I don't know," Ash said.

"I'll have you on FaceTime," Max said. "Deal?"

Ash swallowed. "Why aren't you just telling me to give it up?"

"Because you won't," Max said. "You don't trust anyone that much, not right now, and I can't fault you for it. I promise you: I am not going to let Dino hurt you again."

"You can't keep that promise, old man," Ash said, and the resignation in his voice sent memories shivering through Eiji.

_I'll make it tomorrow._

_Next time, I'll come._

They never did.

"Think about your family," Ash said. "He's—"

"When I took this job, the duty was to take care of all you kids," Max said. "I can hardly just take Michael and run, leaving you here to fend for yourselves. I intend to do that, no matter what. I'm even here for Arthur, if he wants to talk to me, but so far he's spat on my boots."

Ash gaped at him, and Eiji suddenly saw something glass crack in Ash's eyes.

_Whether or not he keeps it. He's going to try to._

_No one ever made you that promise before, did they?_

* * *

"Ibe's probably thinking I'm a bad influence," Ash said once Max told Eiji Ibe wanted to see him. He smirked at Eiji.

"You're not," said Eiji.

"I mean, I don't know about that," Ash said.

"You're not," Eiji repeated. "You care so much about your brother, even though he's not here anymore. Like his soul is always with you. That's not a bad influence." For himself, he felt adrift so often, in a rippling river, floundering for something to grab hold of, for a hand that would reach back and pull him up.

His parents couldn't. Their fault, or not their fault. There was a strength in Ash, a bloodied and bruised strength.

He met Ibe in Max's guest room. Eiji guessed it was where Michael stayed, given the crayon art tacked to the walls, planes and oceans.

"Max told me," Ibe said. "About you helping your roommate investigate, that Golzine is a—Eiji, I—"

Fear sparked in the soles of Eiji's feet. "You're not going to send me back home, are you?"

"I should contact your parents and tell them, let them make the decision. But yes, I think we know what they'd do."

They'd say to send him home. But they wouldn't mean it. They'd say to send him back for his safety, for their peace of mind, because they had to say that. And he didn't even know if they loved him, or if it was duty, or if that was all they were capable of, and given his father's illness, he couldn't even judge them for that. He couldn't feel any burning anger, any sadness. Only an emptiness, a breeze.

A lump grew in his throat. "Please don't," Eiji managed. He dropped down to the bed, shoulders slumping.

"Ei-chan," Ibe said, eyes widening when he saw tears in Eiji's eyes.

_I just want to do something. I don't want to stop, not this time. If I stop running now, if I can't make myself fly, then—_

_Please let me go._

"He's really not a bad influence," Eiji said. "He's—"

"I know he isn't. You seem pretty animated in class, always talking with him and Shorter." Ibe smiled.

Eiji met Ibe's eyes. "I don't want to go back."

"But—"

"Would you stay?" Eiji asked.

"I would take you back," Ibe answered. "And then I'd return. Max is—a friend. Him and Jessica both. If they want to stop Dino Golzine eventually, even if Ash—well. Journalism was what we all majored in back in college, after all." He almost smiled again. "Never thought I'd wind up teaching here, but when Max asked, I knew he wanted—"

"So you've been helping him all along?" Eiji broke in. "With—looking into what happened to Griffin Callenreese?"

Ibe shifted, sitting next to Eiji. "Yes. Though Golzine—that's new to me. As is that Ash is Griffin's brother." He sighed. "We all have things we don't talk about, but that we know we need to be there for our friends for, because we can see they need us, even if they can't say that."

"Exactly," Eiji said, meeting Ibe's eyes.

Ibe gulped. "Promise me you'll be safe."

Eiji nodded eagerly. "I promise."

Ibe sighed.

"All set," he announced to Ash when he returned. "Hey, Ash, you're not going to believe what Ibe told me." At the very least he could tell Ash something he didn't know.

_Ash, I really want to help you._

But Ash let out a sigh of relief when he saw Eiji. "Thank God. I was worried Ibe would make you go back."

_You want me here?_

"He probably should," Ash added then. "You shouldn't be involved in this."

Eiji scowled. "Well, I am."

Ash swallowed.

"Am I a burden to you?" Eiji asked.

Ash froze.

"I'm not street-smart like Shorter or smart like Yut-Lung or connected to your family like Max. I'm just some random Japanese kid who happens to be rooming with you.." He swallowed. "I don't want to be dead-weight for you."

"Don't you dare imply you're useless," Ash said. "And you are smart. You're not a burden, it's just—if anything, I'm the one who's putting you at—"

"Forget your it's-not-you-it's-me talk and give me sympathy!" lamented Shorter's voice. He barged into their room, Kong, Bones, and Alex on his heels. He dropped onto Ash's bed, burying his face in his pillow. " _Charlie_ is dating my sister!"

Ash looked to Eiji, and both of them laughed.

Shorter complained so loudly that Sing and Lao showed up, and even Cain appeared and had to laugh and say "that sucks, dude." Yut-Lung and Arthur both stayed away.

They waited until the weekend, when Golzine had to meet with a principal at another school up in Boston, for Ash to get a text from Max. He dragged Eiji and Shorter into his room, pulling out his phone. Max's image waved.

"Ah," said a bearded man. "You must be Griffin's brother. I see a resemblance."

Ash blinked. Eiji watched as his fingers rose to trace his face, as if he hadn't really thought of that before.

"What happened that night?" Max asked.

"I was just starting my rounds in the hospital back then," said Dr. Meredith. "I was just a resident and still thought hospitals actually cared about people instead of about money. He was being held in the psych ward; they said he murdered a bunch of his friends. Or at least, they found him with the gun. He didn't talk much, but he wrote poetry."

"He did," Max said. "Did he ever talk about that night?"

"He told me once he didn't think he did it, but he couldn't remember what happened. Not that the district attorney cared; we had to fight to get him to even stay at the hospital instead of a jail cell. He was a drug addict to them and that's all that mattered. And then they found him with his wrists slashed within a week." Dr. Meredith shoved his glasses back up his nose. "Horrible."

Eiji put his hand on Ash's shoulder.

"I remember him asking me if I thought he'd done it, because he really couldn't remember," said Dr. Meredith. "Crying. He couldn't handle the idea that he'd have hurt people, and without his coping mechanism there—drugs—well. He was terrified. There was only so much I could do. I turned to back-alley doctoring two years later and I can't deny that the way he was treated—how people like him are treated—was absolutely a part of that."

Ash looked away. He pressed his hand over his mouth.

Rustling sounded outside the door. Shorter snatched the phone, ending the call. Ash leaped to his feet.

When he flung open the door, Eiji saw no one, but the door to Arthur and Alex's room slamming shut.

"Oh, fuck," said Shorter, because they all knew Alex wouldn't run away.

"How much did he hear?" Eiji wondered. "Why would he be listening?"

"If Dino told him to," Ash said, a scowl deepening in his face. "He was involved; he has to be. His mafia keeps this city running."

Eiji glanced at Ash. "Isn't he on a trip to Boston this weekend?"

"Yeah, but—" Ash's eyes widened.

Eiji smiled.

"I'll stand guard," said Shorter.

Ash texted Max that everything was fine, Arthur had just scared them. He did not text him about the office, Eiji noted, as they strolled across campus looking like any other student milling about. There was Cain, laughing with a group of friends, and Lao, practicing soccer with Sing. Eiji's heart thumped. He somehow suspected this was something Ibe would not approve of. _But… if Arthur heard Max's voice…_

"If I call you, get the fuck out of there," Shorter warned, flopping down onto the wooden bench around the corner from the hallway that led to Golzine's office.

"How do we get in?" Eiji hissed. "Won't it be locked?"

Ash smirked. "I know the code."

 _Of course you do_. Eiji watched as Ash typed in the code.

"The old man used to enjoy the sex," said Ash. "I'd have other things on my mind when I was in the room with him."

Eiji swallowed. _Ash…_ He said it like it was nothing, but it was everything. "Then let's get him back for his stupidity."

Ash glanced at him, surprised. He nodded, powering up the computer. He snorted. The first thing that popped up was a document for faculty to sign up to chaperone prom. "That's not until spring. Too bad he doesn't get to take me, the pervert."

"It looks like hell, based on who's chaperoning," Eiji remarked. Foxx. Blanca. Golzine himself. "Oh, at least Jessica's there."

Ash hesitated, and then typed in another name. _Max Glenreed_. Eiji's eyes popped. "What?" Ash asked innocently.

Eiji shrugged. "Well, they do seem to spend a lot of time together for exes."

Ash's phone buzzed. He and Eiji stared at each other.

"Shit!" Ash yanked the plug out of the computer. Something sparked. "Oh fucking hell." He gaped.

That wasn't supposed to happen. Eiji gulped. Now _his_ phone buzzed.

They scrambled for the door, Eiji slamming it behind them. The phones buzzed again. Footsteps sounded from where Shorter was.

 _What exactly were we thinking?_ There was no way out except to walk straight towards someone who would know that they weren't supposed to be in this part of the main office building. Ash's face scrunched up. His lips formed another bad word.

Footsteps. Ash grabbed Eiji, yanking him back into a small alcove.

"Hey!" shouted a voice.

_Oh—_

Ash's face dived closer. His jade eyes focused on Eiji, and Eiji saw his own reflection in them, eyes wide, larger and larger as Ash got closer and closer. His breath was warm on Eiji's face, and then his mouth was on his. His lips broke Eiji's mouth open, tongue slipping in.

Eiji had no idea what to do. He'd never been kissed before. Ash's hand dug into his hair, and he understood. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, pulling Ash with him. He tried to copy Ash's movements. Ash tasted like coffee. Did people usually use this much tongue?

"Excuse me, this is not the place to make out," snarled a voice.

Ash pried himself off Eiji, eyes checking with him. _Are you okay?_ Eiji gave him a tiny nod.

"Sorry," Ash said casually, wiping at his mouth.

Foxx scowled at them, Mr. Dawson gaping at them as if he'd never seen someone kissing before.

"We won't do it again," Eiji added quickly. Ash took his hand, pulling him along. Eiji half expected someone to yell after them, give them a detention, but no shout emerged.

"How the hell did you get away?" Shorter exclaimed when they rounded the corner.

"We made out," Ash answered, as if it was obvious. "Guess we can't judge Charlie and Nadia that much anymore, huh, Eiji?"

"You what?" laughed Shorter.

"They bought it, so it worked," Eiji chimed in. His stomach was still aflutter.

"I'll remember that next time I want to get out of something," Shorter mumbled, rolling his eyes.

_It was just a fake kiss._

But as they made their way back to the dorm, Ash lamenting that they hadn't gotten anywhere, Eiji kept replaying the feel of Ash's lips on his, the way he tasted, the clenching warmth that filled his stomach. His face burned.

_I still liked it._

* * *

"I'm sure you can think of a reason," Hua-Lung said, scowling. "Frequent migraines, a cigarette problem, something. If you pay he shouldn't ask too many questions."

"Fine," Yut-Lung agreed. Blanca had been keeping his promise so far, protecting him from having to sleep with his brother or with any clients, but he still had to do other kind of dirty work for him. To survive. It was about survival. Just ducking his head and getting through this.

Ash had surely made a stupid move, though. Golzine was pissed someone broke into his office and damaged his computer—though his files had survived—and Arthur claimed something about them working with one of the town's local clinics. He wasn't sure of the details, but Wang-Lung had overheard Arthur talking to Golzine about it, and he wanted Yut-Lung to investigate. Easier said than done, but totally within his skillset to steal information from Meredith's clinic.

He slipped out of his brother's office, taking the pass Hua-Lung had give him. The pass that let him off campus, and his feet dragged him where he was going, ghosts and Blanca's question from that day whispering in his mind, pushing him along too. He tried to keep himself focused, but while he was here, and while he already needed a reason for being here... He wanted to make sure. And he was already terrified. And he hated everything about his life.

Did he want this to heal him, or condemn him? Tell him he was right or wrong? Was he right or wrong?

The clinic was a run-down sort of place that offered massages according to the sign outside, but inside seemed to have all sorts of back-alley instruments and medicine. Methadone, Plan B, Ritalin. It was easy enough to distract the nurse when he saw her, no matter how kind she appeared, and copy files to a drive. But he was in no rush to help out Hua-Lung or Wang-Lung. He'd tell them he had to wait, had to go back, get them to write more passes so he could at least breath air that wasn't polluted with their presence.

It felt good, being able to say no. It'd now been weeks since his brother had touched him. Shorter was even talking to him again.

_I don't hate you._

_When I said I wanted to see what kind of person you were, I saw. And it wasn't bad at all._

He couldn't say that, though. It was safer for Shorter. Safer for him. _Just survive._

When he got a phone call from the clinic a few days later, Yut-Lung barely flinched. He kept his voice calm. He told Blanca he was feeling unwell and would miss their biology lesson. "Honestly, I'm sick, you can check with Max. I'll be at the dorm."

Sing looked skeptical, but he was in fact at the dorm, curled up in bed. He knew because Max did check on him, probably prompted by a call from Blanca. Max tried to convince him to go to the school's clinic, see Dr. Mannerheim, but he refused.

"Do you want me to call your brothers?" Max asked, voice gentle as if he was offering to help Yut-Lung.

"No!" Yut-Lung glared up at him. "It's just a migraine, you idiot!"

Max's jaw fell open. "Yut-Lung—"

"Please leave me alone," he requested, burying his face back into his pillow. If only it would suffocate him. "Voices bother me. Sounds."

"If you want to talk, I'm in my apartment."

 _You're Ash's_. And he wasn't sure what good going to Blanca about this would do. _Too bad, you're too late?_

Sing texted him. _You okay?_

 _Migraine,_ Yut-Lung texted back. A lie.

He missed dinner and pretended to be asleep when Shorter came in. Shorter tried and failed to be quiet as he babbled on, chatting with Ash and Eiji.

Yut-Lung cussed internally. Fucking Ash never had to deal with this, did he? He had all the luck, all the support.

He got to his feet when he couldn't sleep, slipping out into the courtyard. His fingers felt numb from cold. November frost coated the dead grass. Yut-Lung huddled on the steps, teeth chattering. Tears slipped down his cheeks.

_I'm so alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! There won't be an update tomorrow, but there should be one over the weekend :)


	7. Wounded Animals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Managed to update while snowed in in a cabin! Updates will proceed as normal starting tomorrow.

Sing heard it again. Sniffling, and snorting, uneven breaths. He'd heard it last weekend, too, and when he went to check, he saw Ash alone in the courtyard in the middle of the night, and Eiji watching him from the dorm room door. So Sing left him alone.

Still, Ash or not, the person sounded increasingly hysterical. The breaths came rapid, hacking, almost choking sounds. Sing slid out of bed. Lao's snores rippled through the room. He slipped his feet into his sneakers, weaving out of the door and into the chilly night. Stars shone bright above. Someone huddled on the three steps leading into the courtyard.

Not Ash. Yut-Lung. A dark braid hung messy down his back, as if the strands were trying to escape from the usually perfection. His shoulders shook, and his breaths came garbled and breaking.

"You okay?" Sing asked, taking a step closer.

Yut-Lung's head snapped up. He glowered at Sing.

"Okay, like, you're obviously not  _okay_ ," Sing said, holding his hands up. "But is there anything I can do?" He hadn't ever heard crying like that before.

"Kill me?" Yut-Lung eked out.

Sing's jaw dropped. "Ha, ha."

Yut-Lung buried his face into his knees. "Just go away."

"Do you really mean that?" Sing asked. His heart pounded.  _Wait, you want to_  die?  _Why?_

Yut-Lung said nothing. He hiccuped.

_You want to die._

He remembered getting his stupid report card, just letters, and seeing the disappointment crushing Lao's face. He'd almost cried then, because it felt like he was worthless, a failure to the one person who mattered. And that was just a slip of paper. Whatever was bothering Yut-Lung had him bleeding tears, actually wanting to die, unable to look at Sing.

 _Have you ever looked at me? Have you ever looked at any of us, or is it always this slutty persona_?

Sing eased himself down next to Yut-Lung. He didn't know what to say, and it hit him again.  _Failure. Failure failure failure FAIL FA IL FA I L. Someone else would know what to say. Eiji would. Shorter would, even. You're just nothing compared to them. You're too small, and you'll never be enough._  "You know, I've heard Ash crying out here before."  _So you're not alone?_

_Dammit! Wrong thing to say._

Yut-Lung actually answered. "Ash doesn't cry."

"Please don't repeat that."

"Why on earth do you think I wouldn't?" Yut-Lung managed, wiping at his face as he turned to face Sing. "You know I hate him."

 _Do you?_ Sing had often wondered. "I hope you won't, because I asked you not to, and if you hate me you do a really shitty job of showing it."  _Please don't._

Yut-Lung actually snorted, and Sing knew then Yut-Lung wouldn't.

He heaved a sigh. "I don't hate you," Sing added, as if it needed clarifying. Which, since this was Yut-Lung, it might.

"You will," Yut-Lung managed.

"Why?" Sing wanted to know.

Yut-Lung's lips curved like a scimitar, a chilling smile. Sing stiffened. "What if I told you I just got a phone call from a back-alley clinic telling me I have—an—an STD?"

Sing blinked.  _What?_

"And since Shorter and I didn't use condoms, there's like, a real possibility I gave it to him. And isn't it just what sluts deserve? Won't you have the biggest scoop of gossip in the entire school, telling everyone the slut finally got—" His lips twisted, each word seething with hate, but the hate wasn't at Sing.

 _Holy fuck_. "Stop acting like I give a shit about gossip," Sing snapped.  _Why do you assume the worst of me?_

_Has everyone always assumed the worst of you?_

Yut-Lung wrapped his hair around his palm.

"Are you serious?"

Yut-Lung nodded. Tears broke through again, streaming down his face. He doubled over.

 _Holy hell_. Sing didn't know what to say or do. "What is it?"

"Syphilis."

"Doesn't that kill you?" Sing blurted out.  _Oops_.

"Not for the past hundred years unless you're an idiot. It's curable," Yut-Lung mumbled. "Easily, too. I just need a shot of penicillin. But…" He covered his mouth, shaking his head, his shoulders, his entire body was shaking.

 _You're scared. You're terrified_. Sing reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "Sorry."  _What to do? Failure F AIL_ — _shut up!_  "I don't know what to say."

Yut-Lung looked at him. "What am I going to do?" His voice came out a squeak. Like he thought Sing might have an answer.

He wished he did. "Talk to Max, or George?"

Yut-Lung shook his head. "My brothers will—they'll—"

"They won't find out," said Sing. But he couldn't guarantee that.

Yut-Lung's teeth chattered. He glanced at Sing's fingers, still on his shoulder, and he looked confused. Like he couldn't believe Sing would want to touch him.

_This isn't new. This has been you before you knew this news._

_You're alone._

"Look, if you need someone to go with you to the clinic, I'll go with you."

"Huh?" Yut-Lung's eyes widened.

"It's gotta suck going alone, right? Is that how you went to get checked in the first place?"

Yut-Lung nodded.

"Well, if you want me to go with you, I would." Sing met his eyes.

"Why?"

"Because you're really upset?" Sing shrugged. "And I think that'd be terrifying, not knowing, plus everyone's already not exactly nice to you, not that you've been nice to them."

"What if I infected your friend?"

"What if he infected you?" Sing countered. Logically, it was possible. And he was tired of seeing the exhaustion and lacerations in Yut-Lung's eyes.

_I don't have what it takes._

_Neither do I, not really. I'm barely keeping it together at this school. I'm not athletic enough or smart enough or popular enough. I don't know what it takes. All I know is that facing each day feels exhausting, like I'm letting Lao down by just being me, letting Shorter down, tall now but still small inside._

"I doubt it. I'm the one with dozens and dozens if not hundreds of partners."

 _For real? At our age?_ Sing exhaled. His own teeth chattered. "I'd help you tell him." He slid his eyes to Yut-Lung. "But you will, in fact, tell him. Or I will."

Yut-Lung hunched his shoulders. "Sing… can I tell you something?"

"Sure?"  _What more?_

"The only person I've ever... willingly had sex with, is Shorter." Yut-Lung met his eyes. "Everyone says I'm a slut, and I act like it, but I never..."

It took a moment for the words to sink in. Sing's eyes bulged.  _Willingly…_  "Yut-Lung?"

He rested his head on his knees again. An ugly sound, like a wounded animal, emerged. "My brothers made me sleep with all those people."

_Your brothers._

Hell, if anything Lao was  _too_  protective. Sing could not even imagine. That kind of betrayal. That kind of humiliation.  _They should have protected you_! " _None_  of that's on you," said Sing. "None of it, then." Nausea surged through him, white-hot and sparking.  _They sold you?_

"I don't know what to do," Yut-Lung managed. "Blanca knows—about the prostitution thing. He's not letting them do that to me again."

"Is that why you're in lessons with him? 'Cause you're clearly not in need of them."

Yut-Lung lifted his head, shaking it. "No. My brothers want me to spy on Blanca and on Golzine."

"What the fuck? Is this a school or a military outpost?"

Yut-Lung almost smiled. "Blanca knows that, too. My brothers say I'll never be anything without them, so—"

"You'd be happier without them," Sing cut in. He curled his fists.  _You're hurting really badly._

_I can't do much, not ever, but I can do this._

Yut-Lung closed his eyes. "I'd just be alone."

"No," Sing said, wondering again what he was doing wrong. "Not unless you want to be. I just said I'd help you."

* * *

Yut-Lung's hands and feet were numb when he went back to his room, but Sing kept his word. He didn't say anything, and when Yut-Lung went back to the clinic to get a shot a few days later, Sing came with him, waiting in the waiting room. Yut-Lung hmphed and acted annoyed, but really because he was annoyed by how he couldn't understand what Sing could possibly be doing this for. Why would he care?

He told Wang-Lung Ash had just called Dr. Meredith for an STD test of his own, but it was negative, so Arthur was mistaken. He wasn't sure why he'd lied. Maybe because he didn't feel like helping them out anymore. Maybe he could actually sabotage them, somehow. And if he did, maybe he wouldn't be alone.

It was still humiliating, and he walked out of the clinic in tears, shards of shame slicing into him. They walked in silence, scarves wrapped around them both. He stopped when they entered the dorm. A light was on under his door.

Sing arched his eyebrows. "Do you want me there?"

 _No_. "Yes." He didn't know. But he was trembling again.

Sing reached for him. Yut-Lung jerked away and stomped towards his dorm room, shoving open the door.

Shorter was sprawled across his bed, laptop open. He slammed it shut when Yut-Lung entered. Sing followed him. "Yes?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You looked like you wanted to?" Shorter scowled. "If you're going to tell me you're dating, I don't care."

"That's not it at all!" Sing spluttered.

 _Thanks,_  Yut-Lung thought bitterly. "I need to talk to you about something."

Shorter shrugged. "I'm listening?"

Yut-Lung glanced over at Sing. "I'd rather you didn't share this, but—"

"You mean not announce it in the middle of the cafeteria, screaming, so everyone can hear?" Shorter asked. His piercing glinted. "You don't say. It's almost like that can be upsetting."

Yut-Lung's face stung red. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"Sorry? I'll bet, but my sister is like—"

 _Probably going to be even more mad, now_. Yut-Lung dropped down onto his bed, clenching his hand around his wrist. "I wasn't planning on humiliating you."

"Well, it sure seems like you were, and like I fell into your trap."

"I wasn't." His eyes burned. "Shorter, I just got back from—Dr. Meredith's clinic. I know you know it."

Shorter's eyes narrowed. "Are you threatening—"

"I don't care what you and Ash are up to," Yut-Lung cut in. "Promise, okay?"

"Your word doesn't mean a lot to me."

"You need to get a VD test."

Shorter stopped. His mouth hung open. "What?"

"Fuck." Yut-Lung wanted to duck his head, but instead he forced himself to meet Shorter's gaze. "Get a test; they're cheap."

"Are you serious?"

"Do I look like I'm pranking you?"

"N-no, but—" Shorter glanced at Sing.

"It's curable," said Yut-Lung. "I'm—fine. Now. Or I should be. I have to get tested again in a couple months just to make sure. But you should—just in case. I know we didn't fully—but still." He drew in his breath.

"Shit," said Shorter. He clutched the back of his neck. His skin looked distinctly gray.

"Sing's been—helping me. Since he found me crying about it," said Yut-Lung.

"Do you know from whom?" Shorter asked.

"No," said Yut-Lung. "There are lots of possibilities." His voice grew hard, flinty.

"Yut-Lung?" Shorter studied him. "Are you—"

"You're the only person I've ever had sex with without my brothers ordering me to," said Yut-Lung. "There. And if you say a word about any of this, to anyone, I will smother you in your sleep."

"Are you for fucking real?" demanded Shorter, leaping to his feet. "You didn't—you—"

"Sorry," said Yut-Lung. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Your brothers," Shorter said. "Are the worst—they got Nadia her job here because they knew our parents, but they—you—are just—"

"Maggots?" Yut-Lung offered. "Snakes? Take your pick."

"Not you."

Yut-Lung blinked.

Shorter shook his head, rage and disgust mottling his face. "It's not your fault, what they've made you—"

"Forget it. I did the right thing and warned you. Now it's up to you to make sure you don't die." Yut-Lung turned away. He didn't want to talk about this more. Sing and Shorter had both—they both had the same disgust in their voice, the horror, and it was directed to his brothers, and not at him.

He didn't know what to make of it.

His phone buzzed. He checked.

Sing had sent him a thumbs up emoji. Yut-Lung scowled.

At least he'd made someone proud, though.

* * *

Shorter texted that he wasn't feeling well, but when Ash knocked on his door, Shorter didn't answer. Weird.

"I hope he's okay," Eiji remarked.

"Me too." Ash scowled. He still had to figure out how to get into Dino's office, but with the man back on campus, things were riskier.

Shorter acted normally at breakfast the next morning, trudging to their classes with them. When they got to literature, Jessica greeted them at the door. "Shorter, you've been asked to go to the principal's office."

"What?" Ash blurted out as Shorter's eyebrows flew up. Ash spotted Sing glancing at Yut-Lung, who shook his head.  _Did you do something, you_ —

"I have no idea what it's about," Jessica added. "Good luck, kid."

Shorter swallowed. "See you later." He nodded at Ash and Eiji.

"This isn't good," Alex hissed as Ash sat next to him.

"No kidding."

"Well, isn't it obvious?" Arthur's voice drawled.

"That I'm about to shove my pen through your throat?" Ash retorted, turning around in his desk chair. Cain sat between him and Arthur. His eyebrows rose.

"Violence is not encouraged," Jessica said in a bored voice. "Let's talk e.e. cummings today. 'If everything happens that can't be done' and its take on education and stupid teachers."

Ash tried to focus. But he couldn't. He could hear Arthur occasionally sighing, or snorting, or whispering something to Dick.  _I really am going to stab him._

"Come the fuck on," Cain finally said. "If you've got something to say, Arthur, just say it."

"He just swore," Arthur said, looking to Jessica.

"What are you, five?" Ash demanded.

"I had you read  _Death of a Salesman_  last week, which is riddled with curses," pointed out Jessica. "And if you can't pay attention to e.e. cummings, then I'm sure it's because you're an expert on him, so you won't object to a three page essay due tomorrow." She smiled at them all.

Everyone in the class turned to Arthur, murder in their eyes. He blanched.

"Spend the last fifteen minutes of class working on it. Tell me your interpretation of this poem." Jessica shut her book, brushing her hands off as she sat down at her desk, a tiny smirk on her face.

"Arthur, I fucking hate you," said Sing.

"You ruin everything," complained Bones.

"Shorter's about to take the fall for your little escapade into Dino's office," Arthur blurted out, looking straight at Ash.

 _What_? Ash glared at him. There was no way Dino could know—no— _Foxx._

 _He_ is _in Dino's books, isn't he?_

"Shouldn't've been lounging outside the office," Arthur said. "Makes it rather obvious it was him, don't you think? Unless—"

"Ash," whispered Eiji. "It's—"

Ash shot to his feet.

"Permission granted, go ahead," said Jessica, tapping out a text on her phone. Ash was willing to bet he knew who the text was to.

Eiji stood up behind him. "Sit back down!" Ash snarled.

"No." Eiji followed him into the hallway. "It was both of us, so—"

"It was my idea!"

"And I went along with it, so let me be involved, too!" Eiji glared at him.

Ash swallowed. He rushed towards the office. Footsteps told him Eiji was with him, and he wanted to cry.  _I fucked up his life too_. He shoved open the door to Dino's office.

"Well, well, Ash," said Marvin, getting to his feet and licking his lips like a salivating dog. "I didn't call for you."

"I need to speak to Dino," said Ash.

"Not allowed; he's in a meeting with—"

"I don't give a damn whom he's in a meeting with. I—"

"Too bad, I—"

Eiji marched past, shoving open the door to Dino's inner office. Ash's jaw dropped.

"Hey!" bellowed Marvin.

"Too slow," Ash mocked, darting after Eiji. Dino stood on his feet, Shorter sitting across from him, Nadia there too. And Charlie, and Max too, and Foxx, all in a semicircle around Dino's desk.  _Fuck_. The stupid American flag across the bulletin board behind Dino seemed to mock him.  _Land of the free, huh._

"You weren't called," Dino informed him. Shorter's eyes bugged out.

"It was me," Ash blurted out. "I broke in here, not Shorter. Ask Foxx: he saw me—"

"And me, as well," Eiji cut in.

"I don't remember seeing you," Foxx stated, rubbing his chin.

 _You bastard!_  Ash gaped. He glanced at Eiji, whose face had paled. And then he saw Dino smirking.  _This is your plan!_

"Ash," Max said, jaw set. "You—"

"I'm afraid it doesn't matter," said Dino. "Considering that we have a teacher's word, and—"

"How could Shorter have broken in? He doesn't know the code! I do!"

"Considering his sister just so happens to be—seeing—the head of security, I think that's rather obvious," Dino stated, easing himself back into his cushioned chair with a creak. He folded his hands. "I'm sure it was a misguided attempt to help you, but just like your misguided attempts to help him, it won't work. The truth will come out."

"That is the truth!" Eiji shot back.

"Eiji," hissed Ash. A horrible realization clenched in his stomach. "Nadia and Charlie would never—"

"And yet, it's the most logical explanation," Dino said, smiling pleasantly, as if they were discussing flowers and botany. "I'm afraid that even if we don't have enough grounds to expel rather than suspend Mr. Wong, his sister's firing should take care of that."

"Whoa, Nadia would—" Charlie protested.

 _Fired?_ "Please," Ash croaked out. "It was me, Dino, you know it was me. Shorter had nothing to do with it. Nadia and Charlie wouldn't have helped him anyways; she's too strict and he's too—"

"Ash," interrupted Nadia. "You—"

He couldn't look at her.  _Yes, I put your brother at risk._  His chest stung and burned, as if someone had scraped the skin off and then rubbed salt in it. "Please."  _What do I need to promise you, Dino? Do I need to sleep with you?_ He'd rather die. But—but—

"I'm afraid I have it on good authority that it was, in fact, Lynx and Okumura," interrupted a new voice. Ash let out his breath, turning. Wang-Lung Lee stood there, Yut-Lung by his side.

 _Are you helping Shorter or punishing us?_ Ash didn't understand him. Yut-Lung studied his shoes.

"My brother claims that he heard—" Wang-Lung said.

"Hearsay."

"You aren't allowed to fire people without credible evidence." Wang-Lung glared.

Shorter mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like "catfight."

"All of you, in the waiting area," Dino ordered. "Students, that is. Marvin, watch them."

The four of them headed out. Shorter shook his head at Ash. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because it's true?" Ash turned to Yut-Lung. "How about you?" Because he was pretty sure Yut-Lung was lying.

Yut-Lung slid his eyes towards Marvin. "Because it's only right," he answered.

Shorter blew out his breath. The two of them exchanged a glance. Ash didn't even have the slightest clue.

When Dino called them back in, it was to tell them that Nadia and Charlie were both on probation, Shorter was being kicked off the soccer team, and Ash and Eiji were both forbidden to leave campus for the rest of the school year. Yut-Lung got off scot-free because of course he did.

"Let's have a chat," Max said to Ash and Eiji. Nadia gestured for Shorter to follow her.

Max said nothing on the way to the dorm. Eiji glanced at Ash, face worried. And then, of course, Ibe was waiting for them at the dorm. Max unlocked it, gesturing for them to follow him into the apartment. They'd be missing more class. He gestured for them to sit on the couch. Ibe sat in the armchair, folding his arms.

"Please tell me why you did this," Max said, voice deadly serious.

"It was me," Ash said. "Eiji—"

"Insisted on coming," Eiji said. "And Foxx and Dawson caught us in the hallway." His face reddened, but thankfully he didn't mention their fake kissing act.

"That's not a 'why.'"

"I don't know," Ash whispered.

"Think."

His eyes stung. "I just—wanted to—"

"You and I had a deal, Ash. I trusted you. And you went and put yourself in danger again, and you put Eiji and Shorter in danger, and Nadia and Charlie too. Your actions have consequences far beyond just what you do."

"You think I don't know that?" Ash shot back. He had to keep control. Eiji was here, and Ibe.  _I just wanted to_ — _do something good for once._

_I wanted to be useful._

_I want to make it up to Griffin_.  _I stole his childhood, his teenage years, from him, and I_ —

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Tears slipped down his face.

"I am, too," Eiji added. "Ibe, I know I—" He stopped.

"Griffin would want you to take care of yourself," Max said.

"No one took care of him, though," Ash managed. "I—I have to, even if he's—"

"No, Ash, no you don't. You're a kid."

"He never got to be, because of me!" Ash covered his face. Fuck, now he wanted to get out of here. He didn't want—

"That is not your fault," said Eiji. "That's your parents' fault, for not helping you!"

Ash blinked. There was a fury in Eiji's tone, a fury he hadn't heard before.

 _I miss him. I miss him so much._   _If he hadn't died, I'd be_ — _I'd be_ — _better than this. A sex toy with a brain to be programmed and used._

He felt Eiji's arms around him, and Ash clung to him anyways, even though he knew he should let Eiji go, push him away, because he would corrupt him. "I'm—sorry—I didn't mean for anyone to get—in trouble."

"Ash," said Max, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. "For the record, I'm mad at you. I'm hurt. But I'm not backing out of our deal, though I am going to for you to do less and spend a bit more time learning and watching me to things, because you're not able to handle it right now."

"Huh?" Ash looked up at him, wiping his eyes. "Why?"  _You're not giving up on me?_

"Because," Max said. "I told you. I want to help you, Ash."

"I'm not Griffin," Ash managed, watching Max's face.  _Do you still? Do I matter? Or is it just who shares my blood?_

_I'm a murderer. My brother can't be one. He isn't like me._

"I know," Max said, and he remembered the time Max snapped in the car, the moments he grabbed him as if he thought he was Griffin. "But I care about you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you think


	8. Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire

"Are you for real?" Lao demanded, stepping out behind Ash and Eiji as they headed back to the lockers.

"Huh?" Ash turned to stare at him. Max had finally dismissed him and Eiji. He flexed his fingers. Max actually  _cared_.

"I heard Shorter got kicked off the team for something  _you_  did," Lao said, glaring at him. Eiji froze. They stood on the path from their dorm heading up to the main buildings, the sky gray and bloated, clouds squirming above. Naked tree branches knocked against each other in the wind.

"Yes," Ash admitted. His breath formed frosted puffs in the air.

Eiji winced. "That's not the full story."

Lao stared at Ash, lips curled in a sneer.

"It's just a game," Eiji said.

"That's why you never made it as a pole vaulter," Lao retorted.

"Excuse me?" Ash demanded.  _Why are you such a bitch?_  "Leave Eiji alone!"

"What, he's the only one you care about now? You don't give a damn about anyone except yourself and this Japanes—Shorter is just a—"

"Grow up," Ash said in disgust. "You're acting like a two-year-old." He turned to storm towards the security building. Eiji hurried after him. "You should go to class. I'm just going to talk to Nadia and Shorter."

"Lao's full of it," Eiji said. He nodded, though. "I'll take notes for you."

"Thanks." Ash broke into a jog. Somehow he doubted Shorter was back in class already. And even if he was, he owed Nadia and Charlie an apology.

He knocked on Charlie's office door this time. Charlie opened it. "I'm sorry," Ash blurted out right away.

Charlie stepped back to let him in, sighing. "Ash…"

Nadia and Shorter sat on the small sofa pressed against the light blue wall. A half-eaten donut sat on Charlie's desk. Shorter's eyes were red, and so were Nadia's.

"I don't want to interrupt," Ash said quickly, holding his hands up. "I just want to—apologize. I—I really shouldn't—I didn't plan to risk your jobs, I would never, I just—"

"We know you didn't plan on it," Charlie said, leaning back against his desk and gesturing for Ash to take a seat. "Still happened, though."

"Charlie," snapped Nadia.

"What?" Charlie held his hands up.

"I'm not mad at you, Ash," Nadia said, looking straight at him, her eyes glowing like an umber fire. "Not at you, not at Shorter. I know Golzine is trash. The whole reason I took a job here was—I thought it might be different, but it's just the same as everywhere else in New York. Still, it gives Shorter a better shot, so—"

"I really just wanted to say I'm sorry," Ash said, shifting. His stomach flipped and flopped. "And then go back and let you guys—"

"No, I already said this to Shorter, so you're going to sit here and listen to it as well," Nadia snapped. "Thank you for trying to intervene and help earlier. But that was not your fucking role."

"Your what?" Shorter's jaw dropped. His head swiveled from Ash to Nadia to Charlie. "Excuse me, did you, my dearest sister, just say—"

"I said it wasn't Ash's fucking role. Nor was it  _your_  fucking role, Shorter, to try to take all the blame at the—"

"You taught it to her, didn't you?" Shorter said, glowering at Charlie. A poor attempt at humor. Ash smiled weakly.

"Shorter, I'm raising  _you_ ," said Nadia, holding her hands up in the air in frustration. "I hear it about fifteen times an hour. I was just trying to set a good example. I don't much care about swearing, though, not right now." Her chest heaved. "You two have got to stop acting like you're adults in some ways. Let us handle things for you. You're in way over your heads, messing with—"

"But—" Shorter protested.

"No buts," Nadia interjected. "I'm  _scared_  for you, Shorter. And I'm scared for you, Ash. If I took this job to protect you just for you to wind up falling from the frying pan into the fire, I'll—" She clasped her hand to her lips. Charlie squeezed his eyes shut.

"You can't blame yourself!" Shorter exclaimed. "It's my—"

"It's not that simple, Shorter. You're my baby brother. No matter how tall you get." Nadia wiped at her eyes. "I want to protect you, but I can't, and it hurts.  _Please_ , try to make better choices. And try to trust us. We know Golzine is up to some shady things. Charlie is working with Max and Ibe."

"What?" Ash's jaw fell open. He'd always thought of Charlie as a fuddy-duddy—

"Jenkins and I both know Golzine is not a good man," Charlie said. "There are limits to—what we can do to prove it, though. But we will."

"How long have you known?" Ash demanded.  _How long are you willing to wait_?

Charlie swallowed. "Ash, the only reason I haven't quit my job here is because I really, truly, do want to protect the kids here. As best I can. It's not perfect, but if I left, I wouldn't be able to do anything at all. And we are going to bring him down eventually, okay?"

 _Eventually._  Ash pressed his lips together, thinking of Skip and Michael and all the kids at this school.  _How many kids will be sacrificed for the slowness of lawful procedure? It hardly works when kids are at constant risk of being assaulted. And even if you make progress, who's to say someone with more power won't stomp the story out?_

He hadn't been able to trust the law since he was eight years old.

"I don't want to hurt you," Shorter managed.

"I know you don't," said Nadia.

"I just—I have to—" He curled his fists. "I have to protect you, I have to—"

"Let me protect myself," said Nadia. "I'm fairly good at it. Trust me a little." She cupped Shorter's face. Her eyes filled. "You look a lot like Mom."

Shorter fell into her arms, holding her. She stroked his purple hair, like he was a child. "I don't want—to be a burden to you."

"You're not."

Ash wondered how someone like Shorter could ever feel like a burden. His chest felt as if something thick was stewing in there.

"Hey Nadia," Shorter added, pulling back and wiping his nose.

"Use a tissue."

"Whatever." Shorter shrugged. "While we're slobbering all over each other, I was meaning to tell you that, since I'm not allowed off campus without a guardian, and I think you count, I need a VD test."

Nadia's eyes narrowed. "You need a  _what_?"

Charlie moaned, head in his hands. Ash's jaw hung open.

* * *

"Ta-da!" Shorter announced, barging into his room, where Yut-lung was trying to help Sing study for their upcoming biology exam. Shorter held up his phone as if there was something other than a blank screen on it. "Negative."

"Really?" Sing asked. Relief seeped through him. He could only imagine if Shorter got kicked off the soccer team, almost expelled, had to face Nadia's reality,  _and_  got an STD diagnosis all in the same week.

Yut-Lung sat up, eyes wide.

"Really," Shorter confirmed. "Thank God." He fell backwards onto his bed. "Oh, I should text Ash."

"He knows?" Yut-Lung demanded.

"Not that it was because of you, and either way, he wouldn't tell."

Yut-Lung scowled.

"She went with me and everything," said Shorter. "'Course, I did tell her that she had no legs to stand on since she's dating Charlie, but she said they were using condoms, and then my brain combusted and I haven't been able to think a thought since."

"Ew!" Sing cringed.

"I know, right?" Shorter rolled over. "Thanks for getting Wang-Lung on Golzine's case, Yut-Lung."

Yut-Lung nodded. It'd been a week since the incident. "You shouldn't count on his support for very long. Only as long as it benefits him."

"I figured." Shorter pushed himself up. "Hey, regarding what you told Sing and me, I should say, Charlie and all are trying to get enough dirt on Golzine to take him down. I didn't say anything 'cause I said I wouldn't, but if you want to talk to them or tip them off about your brothers, even anonymously, I'm—"

"No," Yut-Lung interrupted, but he had a strange look on his face. "It's just—me. They'd find out it was me. And my—" He stopped. "It's just me."

 _And your what?_  Sing wondered.

"I can't help with that," said Yut-Lung. "But I do wish them luck. Just—be careful, Shorter." He looked at Sing. "And stay out of it, since you still can."

"Now, see, that's the kind of thing that irritates me," Sing snapped. "I'm not the sort to look away from bullshit like that. From people doing bad things, or from—what kind of person do you think I am? I don't need to be protected, or—"

Yut-Lung stared at him, mouth trying to form words, but he couldn't make a sound.

"To be honest, it's safer for all of us the less people involved," said Shorter. "I promised Nadia and Charlie I'd lay off, too, and keep them informed."

Sing gritted his teeth.  _I hate being treated like something to be protected_. He grabbed his biology books. "I'm going to bed."

"G'night," said Shorter.

"Sorry," said Yut-Lung. "But it's hell. You don't want to—"

Sing ignored him, stomping back to his room.

"Where were you?" Lao greeted him.

"Good night to you, too," Sing said. He was not in the mood. Lao wasn't acting much better than Arthur since Shorter got kicked off the team. He looked like he'd like to stab Ash.

"You shouldn't hang out with him."

"Yut-Lung? Or Ash? Or both?" Sing stuffed his books onto the bookshelf over his desk. He kicked off his shoes. "Shorter does."

"You're not Shorter."

"Neither are you, and you're not my parent, so—"

"Excuse me?" Lao stood on his feet.

"I'm sick of your protective routine!" Sing bellowed. "You treat me like I'm five! Newsflash, Lao, we're in the same grade! You're only ten months older than me! Just because—"

"You act much younger," Lao stated.

"How?" Sing demanded. "Give me an explanation, Lao. Examples. Cite your sources."

Lao gawped at him.

"Convince me that you don't just want to keep me some innocent sweet kid so you can have at least one thing you can control in your goddamn life, one thing you can feel good about, when really you should be paying attention to yourself! Your grades are average? Study more! No one wants you as captain of the team? Work on being a better leader! Don't count on me to live up to your standards for you! My life is mine,  _not yours!"_ At the very least, he'd thought Yut-Lung didn't treat him like that. Shorter, too, maybe.

_Maybe I just wanted to feel useful._

"Fuck you," Lao said. "Fuck you, Sing."

"Fuck  _you_ ," Sing retorted. "Go cry to Mom. Not that she'll care." He grabbed his towel, slamming the bathroom door so loudly the mirror crashed off the wall. "Motherfucker!"

Cain arched his eyebrows from where he stood by the sink.

"Sorry," Sing mumbled, face red.

"I'm guessing I don't want to know."

"Probably not," Sing agreed, kicking broken shards of mirror. "My brother's just an insufferable know-it-all and if he tries to order me around again, I'm sorry you'll have listen to me killing him."

Cain snorted.

Sing glared towards his door. Lao was probably listening. He grabbed the towel, using it to clean up the glass.

"Careful," Cain said.

Sing growled. He stood, grabbing his toothbrush and slamming the cabinet.

"Dude, if you're just going to slam things around, you're gonna wind up breaking more than just the mirror."

"Better than breaking Lao's nose," Sing grumbled.

Cain guffawed. "He's your brother. He probably just wants to make sure you're all right."

"He says he 'just wants to protect me.'" Sing cussed. "Read: control me."

"Hrmph, everyone wants to protect someone, or something," Cain remarked. He leaned back against the doorframe.

"Not me." Sing scrubbed his teeth, angry. The metal taste of blood seeped in with the mint.

"Sure you do. Your freedom. You're like Ash and like me in that."

Sing spat out the toothpaste. He arched his eyebrows, heart fluttering.  _I'm like Ash?_

"You can't handle being controlled," Cain continued.

Sing shrugged. "Everything's already seeking to control us." The fact that he was born in a family without many options, that his parents didn't care at all. A different sort of control. And this school, fencing them in. And Lao. "I used to chase after Lao and Shorter because Shorter didn't treat me like a shrimp for being short up until the summer."

"Yeah, well, Shorter just wants to protect his sister," said Cain. "Probably started hanging around with the people that made her pack him up and move him here because he wanted to be tough to protect her."

Sing gripped the sink. He closed his eyes, remembering the nights he and Lao and Shorter would have a sleepover, and he could hear Nadia crying in her room.

" _Don't worry," Shorter said the one time he asked. "She does that. She wants to be alone; I've asked."_

_You couldn't stop your parents from dying._

_You want to be strong enough to protect her from the hurts you can actually stop._

"Relatable," he said. He used to work out, running and lifting weights until sweat streamed down his neck and temples, because he didn't want Lao or Shorter to worry about him. He was tiny, yes, but he wasn't weak. And he proved himself. He was better than Lao at sports, but he couldn't maintain both that and his grades.

_I don't know balance._

"Ash?" Sing questioned.

"Eiji and his dead brother." Cain smirked. "I know what he's up to. Good luck to him."

 _Huh?_  Sing frowned. He was not going to ask about Yut-Lung. "Arthur?"

"Himself, or really how he wants to see himself." Cain rolled his eyes. "Boy's a total tool. You know he came to me asking if I'd beat Ash up?"

"Are you kidding?" Sing laughed.

"I told him I'd sooner cut off my dick than team up with him. Since they'd accomplish the same thing, but at least in the former instance they could reattach it."

Sing shook his head. "Did you warn Ash?"

"No. He already knows. You can see it. He's expecting Arthur to do something sooner rather than later since Golzine's using him as a proxy in his war to control Ash, or the school, or the city. Which only proves Golzine's a dumbass who doesn't know what the fuck he's dealing with." Cain folded his arms.

"Is that tattoo real?" Sing asked, pointing.

Cain flexed his bicep. "Yep."

"Cool," said Sing. He wondered how Lao would react if he got one. He'd probably scalp Sing. But Yut-Lung had one, that intricate dragon on his neck. "Hey. Why don't you hang out with anyone in this dorm more?"

"Arthur's a racist bastard, and Ash is cool, but not sure how much I want to trust those other white boys." Cain turned to head back into his room. "But if you ever want to hang out, you can always ask."

 _Fair_. Sing sighed and stretched. His hands almost reached the ceiling.  _Did I grow again?_

* * *

Eiji stared at his phone as he got out of class. A few weeks had passed since the incident, and December had moved in with cold skies, snow flurries, a never-ending supply of hot chocolate in the dorm lounge, and Ash and Shorter planning to sneak them out one night so Eiji would have the chance to see all the Christmas lights and decorations downtown.

"What's wrong?" Ash demanded.

"Ransom demand?" asked Shorter.

He shook his head. "My—sister's calling." His stomach clenched. Was his father— "Keiko?"

"Hi, stupid aniki!" she chortled.

Ash hovered near him, hands in his pockets, eyes worried. Shorter frowned.

"What's wrong?" Eiji asked.

"Nothing. I just wanted to hear about life in America since Mom keeps saying we'll call together but she never does, so I got annoyed and finally stole her phone while she's asleep."

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"Studying and delirious from it." She giggled. "Aniki, they asked me to try out for the track team."

"Ah?" Eiji gave Ash a thumbs up. "You should do it."

"I don't wanna break my ankle."

"Yeah, well, that's painful." Eiji walked towards a stone wall, sitting down. "But you'd be good at it, and pole vaulting was always fun, for me." Until it became a pressure. He didn't want it to become a pressure for Keiko. "How's Dad?"

"The same." Keiko's voice sounded disappointed. "Mom says I should focus on my studying instead of sports."

"Well, you always have liked studying; I'm sure you'll—"

"I want to go to America someday. Like you."

 _Like me?_ Eiji's heart lifted.

"Sports got you there," she added.

"Studying can get you there," Eiji said. "If that's what you'd prefer. You've always been so smart, Keiko. And if you want to do sports, though, you should."  _Are you just trying to find a way to be noticed?_

 _I remember you._ He made a mental note to call her more.

"I want to be good at something else, too." She exhaled.

"That, I relate to," Eiji said quietly. Always striving to achieve, and achieve, and leaving ligaments in his wake, a brokenness surgery couldn't fix. "But you really should get some sleep, Keiko. It's like four in the morning for you."

"Is my charm working?"

"Yes, America's good, and Keiko, that's a love charm, not a good luck charm, you airhead!"

"But is it working?"

"I'll text you pictures of the city later," Eiji said. "It's all decorated for Christmas." He'd been informed that almost every student snuck out around Christmastime, and teachers usually looked the other way.

"Please do, and don't think I didn't notice that you dodged my question, Okumura Eiji!"

He hung up laughing.

"Sister, huh?" questioned Ash. "Is she pretty?"

"Yeah, you wish!" Eiji's stomach stung. "She's eleven."

"A love charm?" Shorter threw his head back, laughing. "Little sis has a  _plan_."

"She probably picked it by accident!" Eiji's face burned. He hoped Shorter wouldn't try to set him up with anyone. Ash was quiet.

"Sure she did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to let me know what you think!


	9. Ice Sculptures

"Well, look at the bright side," Shorter remarked as they exited Blanca's biology class the week before the semester ended for Christmas break. Eiji was going to be staying at the school, as was Ash, though Shorter and Nadia and Charlie would be going to see Charlie's family which Shorter regarded as a prison sentence of a week. "We're _all_ going to fail the exam next week."

Yut-Lung smirked as he passed them, as if to say _speak for yourself_. Eiji and Ash had both wondered if they should reach out to him, since lying had saved all of them, but Shorter and Sing both said it wasn't a good idea. Still, Eiji worried. Ash said he had no idea what he wanted, but to Eiji he seemed the type to cash in a favor at some point.

"You better not," said Alex. "Or Nadia will never let you have fun again."

"Pretty much," Shorter agreed. "Hey, how about we all sneak out tonight? See the lights? It's our last chance before we all can't leave our rooms as we try to study and find ourselves on reddit instead."

"Sounds good to me," Ash said. He glanced to Eiji, who nodded. "Shorter, you want to ask Lao if he wants to join?"

"I'll ask, but he's been miserable ever since we lost the soccer tournament, plus he and Sing seem to be bickering lately. Plus if we ask too many people Arthur will get wind of it and ruin everything like the killjoy he is. I swear his heart is three sizes too small, but our Max is a Who instead of a sled dog."

"Not true," Alex said. "He doesn't even have a heart."

Eiji sighed. "What about Sing?"

"I'll ask."

Ash checked his phone. "I gotta go tutor Skip. And Michael, too. Want to help today?" He looked to Eiji.

"I have to work off my debt in the kitchen," Shorter lamented. "I'll see you at dinner."

"Eiji, remind me to skip dinner," Ash said, rolling his eyes. "For our health and safety."

"What, don't want fingers in your sandwich?" Eiji teased.

"Only this one." Ash stuck out his middle finger. Eiji returned the gesture, and Shorter howled with laughter. Ash stuck his tongue out. Alex smirked.

"I'll come." Eiji walked with Ash down towards the elementary and middle school parts of campus. A snowflake fell to the ground.

"Will you miss your family for the holidays?" Ash asked, stepping on an iced-over groove in the pavement. The ice groaned and cracked.

"I don't know," Eiji answered honestly. "I'll try to call, though. At the very least, I think Keiko will pick up."

Ash studied him.

"Hey, she'll probably just tease me about the love charm again," Eiji said, trying to lighten the mood. "I wonder if she's got a boyfriend…"

"Would you care?"

"Not really. As long as he treated her well." Eiji smiled. "Otherwise I'll have my New York gangster friends beat him up."

Ash laughed. The sky swirled above them, dark already even though it was only four in the afternoon. The air held a heavy, damp feel to it.

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" Ash asked abruptly.

Eiji blinked. A group of middle schoolers pushed past them as they climbed down the stairs towards the lower campus, the kids giggling and shouting a very rewritten Christmas carol that was and sure to get them in trouble. Eiji clutched the railing, waiting for them to pass. It was that or get bowled over.

"Yikes," Ash said, wincing as he paused on the stairs. "Sorry, I just was curious—"

"It's fine. No," Eiji said, taking a step forward. "I haven't." _Or a boyfriend._ "How about you?"

Ash followed. "Not exactly. There was this one girl. Once. I was fourteen. She died. Car accident."

"Ooh!" Eiji winked at Ash. The cold's wet tongue seemed to lap at him more, increasingly scratchy. His breath formed frosted puffs that slimed and chilled his nose. "How far did you get?"

"Nowhere." Ash kicked a pebble.

"It wasn't really a car accident, was it?" Eiji asked, the pebble landing meters away and yet feeling as if it'd landed in his stomach.

Ash shook his head. "I doubt it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Ash drew in his breath. Jessica's residence stood up ahead. Skip had been going there several afternoons, chattering to Ash that he got the chance to mentor Michael _just like you!_ "It just feels like—everyone, everything—I love or care about, gets—hurt for being—"

"I'm not hurt," Eiji said, facing him. A snowflake landed on the shoulder of Ash's navy blue sweatshirt.

"You've been in trouble, though, because of—"

"My choices," Eiji said. "I want to finish something. I want to do something, for once, Ash."

Ash stared at him. He opened his mouth.

"Ash!" Skip bounded up to them, grinning. "What're you talking about?"

"Murdered lovers and ghost families," Ash answered, and then he laughed. "Nah, Eiji was talking about his sister."

"Ooh, you have a sister?" asked Skip, eyes wide. "Can I see?"

"Sure. She's around your age." Eiji had to scroll way back through his photos to find one.

"Ooh, she's pretty!"

 _"Eh?"_ Eiji's jaw dropped.

"Blech," said Michael as they entered Jessica's place. " _Girls_."

That night, they snuck out to see the lights with Alex, Kong, and Bones. Lao had indeed decided he would prefer to mope, and Sing claimed he had to study. Eiji jumped off the wall. The snow fell in a light fluffy, and when Eiji started shaking, Ash wrapped an arm around him. He took photos to send to Keiko.

"You're a really good photographer," Ash remarked, studying Eiji's phone.

"Thanks. Ibe's influence." Eiji shrugged.

"No, I mean it," Ash said. "I don't think it's all Ibe. A lot of it's you."

"I have good subject matter," Eiji teased, face suddenly heating up. He nodded at them all. Kong held Bones's hot chocolate high above his head, forcing Bones to jump up and down like a kangaroo to try and get it back. Alex shook his head, watching them like a stern dad. Shorter tried to flirt with two tourist girls.

"Why are you so quick to think you don't have any innate talent?" Ash asked. "Not just about this. About everything."

Eiji blinked. He snorted. "I was good at pole vaulting."

"Did you admit it when you could still do it?"

"I can. I'm just too weak-minded. Afraid." Eiji glanced at his feet.

"You are not."

"Says the genius with the model good looks."

"Oh, I have model good looks, do I?" Ash fluttered his eyelashes, striking a pose. Eiji snapped a photo. "Hey! Delete that!"

"No," Eiji said, holding his phone above his head, too.

"You're shorter than me," Ash teased. He lunged for the phone. Eiji dodged, giggling.

He peeked at the photo. "You look good, I promise!"

"Lies." Ash scowled at him, pouting. Eiji just raised his camera to take another photo. "Eiji, you brat!"

Eiji froze.

"What?" Ash asked. "Are you okay? I was just—"

"Don't turn around," Eiji said quickly. "Isn't that Kippard?" He took a photo, handing the phone to Ash.

Ash nodded.

"He's walking away from us," Eiji said, backing up. "He's talking to some cops."

Ash hesitated.

"Well, as horrifying as that is, we have a bigger problem," said Shorter, appearing behind them. "I just got a phone call from Sing. Arthur ratted us out, and if we get caught sneaking back onto campus, we're expelled, so—"

"Holy shit," Ash breathed. "How did he even—

"Not only that, but they have someone watching the tree we use to—"

"Fuck!" Ash's eyes widened. Eiji clutched his phone. _Please no. Please no_. It was common knowledge most students snuck off campus at Christmas—why—

"Can I kill him now?" Alex managed. "Please, Ash? Please?"

"If we're all expelled, sure," Ash muttered.

 _This is how we repay Ibe and Max and—_ Eiji's thoughts whirled. _We're the—_

"Sing said to meet him by the east side of campus, by the clinic," Shorter read.

Eiji hoped it wasn't too late.

* * *

"Things okay?"

 _What do you think?_ Yut-Lung lingered in Blanca's classroom. "Thanks for helping me stay on campus over the break." Blanca had told his brothers that he was letting Yut-Lung assist him because he was skilled in his class. Yut-Lung told them it would give him more opportunity to spy. So far he had reported a few irrelevant or twisted details, like that Ash was convinced his brother was innocent (Wang-Lung laughed) and that Blanca had been married to a Natasha, whom he had never gotten over after she was killed in a terrorist attack. "Don't worry; I told him I slacked off last semester and you made me take extra lessons out of the care of your brotherly hearts," he'd told them. And they bought it, and Yut-Lung reveled in the deliciousness of knowing Blanca told them he, Yut-Lung, was good at something they said he was bad at. _Take that, losers._

"You're welcome." Blanca picked up his copy of Faulkner's _Go Down, Moses,_ and thumbed through the pages. He didn't look up at Yut-Lung again.

 _Fine, then._ Yut-Lung turned to leave. He hurried past Ash and Shorter and their group. Maybe if he got a perfect score on the biology exam, which he was determined to do to stick it to his brothers, Blanca would tell him he did well.

He'd been trying to fit in more. Talking to Shorter like normal, though clearly Shorter had no desire to trust him in that way again. And Sing was still his friend, against all the odds.

He studied alone in his room, writing Jessica's essay on _Henry IV_ , about a rebellious prince planning to eventually be a king. He liked Hal. And then he shoved his finger down his throat, making himself vomit before he made his way to Hua-Lung's office to tell him, in person, with sweat shining on his pale face, that he wasn't well and couldn't make it to dinner that night. Blanca's idea.

"Go to Dr. Mannerheim if you're not better in the morning," Hua-Lung advised him. "And drink water." He turned back to his phone. "Yes, Wang-Lung, just give me more money for that bitch; it'll shut her up..."

 _You have no right to advise me anything._ Yut-Lung stomped off. _Poor whomever you're paying off._ Probably Hua-Lung's wife, in which case he hoped the doctors misdiagnosed her. She hit him and called him a slut once after finding him in Hua-Lung's bed. He was eleven. She must've found another lover of his brother's. And she was the one who laughed in his face when he cried and begged to see his mother, telling him she'd be shocked if she was still alive. That was the same day, and that was the day he stopped hoping he could ever escape the collar they'd slung around his neck.

And then Yut-Lung stopped. A shadow moved ahead of him.

Arthur slipped through the hallways, slowly like he was trying and failing to be quiet. He knocked on Wang-Lung's door.

_Aren't you working with Golzine?_

Yut-Lung hurried after him, pausing at the door. He leaned back against the wall, breaths so quiet he couldn't even hear them, could barely feel the air entering his nostrils.

"They went out tonight, just like I said," Arthur announced proudly. "Using the same oak tree they've always used."

 _Everyone sneaks out around Christmas, you idiot_. God, Arthur was dumber than a walnut. If he was Yut-Lung's roommate, he'd have lobotomized him already.

"Excellent," commented Wang-Lung.

_You are a cartoon villain, my brother._

"Dino will have no choice but to lose his prodigy, now, when we catch them."

Yut-Lung gritted his teeth. Why would Arthur want to hurt Dino?

He didn't. He just wanted to hurt Ash. He wanted Dino all to himself, all the attention, all the favor, all the belief in and all the support. _Too bad you don't deserve it._

Yut-Lung pried himself away from the wall, breaking into a run. He scrambled through the campus, hair flying behind him. "Sing!" He pounded on the door to their room. "Sing!"

It flew open. Lao scowled at him.

"Not you," said Yut-Lung. "Where's Sing?"

"What do you want with my brother?"

"Arthur's about to get a bunch of people expelled, your BFF Shorter among them, unless you—"

"Including Ash?" demanded Lao.

Yut-Lung arched his eyebrows. "Obviously?"

"Shorter's too smart for that. Charlie will get him out of it." Lao shut his door in Yut-Lung's face.

Yut-Lung's jaw hung open. He kicked the door. "Hey! Open up!" _You_ dick! _Have you ever met Charlie? The guy is walking fairness to the point where he can't handle the real world and got stuck here! And Shorter's the last person to put himself first! That's you you're thinking of, you birdbrained box of bird shit!_

He whirled around. "Answer your phone," he snarled as he called Sing again.

"Who're you talking to?"

He spun again, almost losing his balance. Sing. Behind him. Thank God. Hands in his pockets, eyebrows almost forming an entirely new hairline. "Shorter and Ash and all of them are about to get their asses expelled because measuring risks isn't something they've learned yet. And your brother is the pettiest bitch I have ever met besides Arthur, since he's the one who ratted Shorter and Ash out to my brothers, who, while they're the devil's seed incarnate, at the very least lack pettiness."

Sing's mouth hung open. "Um…"

"Call them," Yut-Lung said. "I don't even have Shorter's number."

Sing nodded, dialing. He gestured for Yut-Lung to follow him. "Meet me by Dr. Mannerheim's clinic."

"Is there a way in there?" Yut-Lung asked.

Sing nodded again. "Do you usually use the oak tree, too?"

"No." Yut-Lung ducked his head against the cold, pulling his yellow coat tighter around him. "I've never snuck off campus, actually." He sniffed.

"No kidding." Sing looked strangely disturbed. "Well, you need help getting back through Mannerheim's—"

Yut-Lung grabbed his arm as they rounded the corner. Mannerheim's clinic glittered ahead, lights on. Pine trees ruffled their branches in the wind. And: footsteps.

"They can't know—" Sing whispered, horrified.

The footsteps crunched. They were louder now.

 _Not unless_ —no. "It's probably just a security guard."

"Yeah, but if they're hanging out in this area—not to mention what you've said about your brothers leads me to think I wouldn't put it past them to guard other—" Sing's eyes were wide, bulging. His breaths came short, and Yut-Lung couldn't erase what he'd heard from his mind, about Ash and Eiji and their distraction, to whole reason they were on the verge of expulsion.

Crunch.

_You really want to protect Shorter, don't you?_

Crunch.

 _Why? What did he do for you? What is he to you_?

Crunch.

Nothing but a good person, a loyal friend. Yut-Lung knew it. He swallowed. "Sorry, Sing."

"Huh?" Sing looked down at him. The footsteps echoed against the gravel, almost around the corner now.

Yut-Lung winced. He grabbed Sing by the back of his neck, pulling him down on top of him. Sing let out a muffled yelp as his knee slammed into Yut-Lung's thigh. Yut-Lung's neck throbbed from where it hit a rock. Yut-Lung arched his back up, wrapping his arms around him, lips over Sing's.

" _Excuse me?"_ bellowed one of the security guards. Evanstine. That one who had it in for Ash, Dino's pet. "Break it up!"

Yut-Lung didn't let go. Evanstine ran towards them. "This is—disgusting, perverted behavior— _you!"_

Yut-Lung finally pulled away, Sing blanching. Yut-Lung cast him an apologetic look.

"Why don't you get lost?" Sing asked Evanstine, voice husky. He wiped at his mouth, hand still on Yut-Lung's hip. "We were busy."

Yut-Lung bit back a snort. _Thanks for going along with it_.

"I'll say!" squawked Evanstine. "Both of you! On your feet. I'm taking you to see your brother right now, Yut-Lung, and we'll see if you and Sing Soo-Ling can kiss your freedom—"

Yut-Lung said nothing. Sing reached down, hauling Yut-Lung down his feet. He wiped gravel from the back of his pants. He cast Sing a look. "What about—" he murmured.

Sing slid his phone out of his pocket. _New message: Cain._

 _You're asking Cain Blood for help?_ Yut-Lung wrinkled his nose. _I thought he didn't really get involved with this kind of thing._ Though if anyone could build bridges, it would be Sing.

_You have that special kind of atmosphere about you. You believe in people, and you make them believe in you._

He shouldn't have stolen Sing's kiss. His first kiss? Probably, judging from the redness in Sing's lips and the fact that he seemed to have no idea what he was doing.

"No talking!" snipped Evanstine.

Sing glanced at Yut-Lung. He sent a subtle thumbs-up as they entered the main office building. Cain must be helping. Well, at least that was good. Yut-Lung's chin scraped his chest as they were ushered into Wang-Lung's office.

"Caught the two of them going at it right on the cold hard ground—"

"Clothes were on," Yut-Lung shot back. "We were not having sex." He had no reputation to guard, but Sing's—

"Enough," stated Wang-Lung, checking his phone. Presumably for whomever was guarding the oak tree. "You are a disgrace, Yut-Lung."

Sing's eyes narrowed. "It was my idea."

 _Sing, no!_ Yut-Lung stomped on Sing's foot.

"Yeouch!"

_Sing!_

"What was that for?" Sing shouted. "It was!"

"I don't care. You have detention, and you're forbidden from leaving campus until February, Sing Soo-Ling. Same for you, Yut-Lung. Evanstine, take Sing back to his dorm."

 _In a rush for something, brother dear? Too bad you won't catch your fish._ At the very least, there was that.

"Not you," said Wang-Lung when he turned to leave. "Why don't we have a chat, Yut-Lung."

"I apologize." He studied his shoes. His heart pounded, blood surging through him. _Please don't_ —

"I see," said Hua-Lung's voice from behind him. "You were _sick_ , indeed."

"You're the ones who tell me to act like a whore."

Wang-Lung's fist flew out. He clasped Yut-Lung by his throat. Yut-Lung gagged. He could drag in breath, but it burned, it scraped, it didn't fit well— _let me—go—_

A knock on the door. Wang-Lung released YutLung. He coughed, clutching his throat. _I hate you. I hate you both, so much, you monsters._

"What is it?" snapped Wang-Lung.

"Excuse me for interrupting," called a deep voice. A voice that sent shock rolling through Yut-Lung in waves. _Blanca!_

_You came!_

Hua-Lung opened the door.

"I heard there was a situation."

Wang-Lung narrowed his eyes. Yut-Lung could almost see the thoughts forming: _are you conspiring with Golzine now? Are you a traitor as well as a grimy rag we have to drag around to wipe up our messes?_

"Some students managed to sneak back into campus through the entrance by Dr. Mannerheim's, but I wasn't able to catch them," Blanca explained. "Or see their faces. But Golzine had wanted me to keep track, and seeing as he's not on campus tonight—"

 _Oh my God._ Yut-Lung gulped. Now Wang-Lung would puzzle this one out, puzzle how Golzine could really want Ash to be expelled, puzzle how that might not be in his best interest, then. _You're trying to protect Ash, too._

"Unfortunately," said Wang-Lung. "We have another situation. My troublesome younger brother here appears to have been caught in a compromising position yet again. Do try to teach him some proprietary when he works with you, because he gets himself infected with something that can't be cured, unlike what, according to my bills, was a treatment for syphilis last month at a clinic by a disgraced doctor." _No messing with him._ That was the clear message. Wang-Lung didn't trust Blanca.

Yut-Lung's face felt as if he'd stuffed it into molten lava rocks. He couldn't even swallow. Everything stung, his skin blistering from shame. Disgraced? Whatever Meredith had done, it wasn't anything compared to the shame he felt now.

_Do you need medical attention?_

Surely Blanca wouldn't be mad. He was the one who asked.

"Go back to your dorm," Wang-Lung ordered. "Walk him, won't you, Blanca?"

 _Someone's going to be watching us_. Yut-Lung slumped his shoulders as he turned to leave.

Blanca was silent, no doubt having picked up on that as well. He finally spoke as they approached the dorm. "Don't ever put yourself in such a risky position again. I won't always be able to bail you out. Help me help you."

No mention of the syphilis. No mention of any of it, just things unspoken, things haunted, filmy ghosts he could reach through. Yut-Lung's lips trembled. "What are you even doing to help me?"

Blanca stared at him. "Yut-Lung—"

_You didn't ask. You only come when I'm about to be—you—help me when I need to._

_I don't know how to ask._

_I need you a lot._

_I need someone. Anyone._

_Mommy—_

He jerked away from Blanca, stomping into his dorm, trying to sear the image of blood, of his mother, the gutteral rasp of her screams, out of his eyes and ears.

"Dude!" shouted Sing, running over to him from across the courtyard. Yut-Lung blinked, looking up. The moon glowed from behind clouds, but he couldn't see it.

Shorter appeared too, feigning wiping sweat from his forehead. "Welcome to the bad boy club of delinquents, Yut-Lung." He lowered his voice. "But seriously, thank you."

Yut-Lung just nodded. He couldn't speak.

"You okay?" Sing asked him, quiet.

"Of course." He cleared his throat, Sing's worry soothing the scraping in his throat. "Sorry I kissed you like that."

Sing rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about it." He smiled. "Good thinking."

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" complained Shorter. "The two of you _what?"_

"It worked, didn't it?" drawled Cain's voice. He leaned back against the dorm wall. Sing high-fived him. "Don't think you're in much of a position to complain."

"I'm not," Shorter countered. "I of all people know it sucks to have that be public. Also, I'm not Lao, and no one repeats this to him because as much as I love the guy, Sing, he's gonna flip his shit if he finds out. He already offered to kick the crap out of you, Yut-Lung, after the cafeteria incident."

Sing exchanged a look with Yut-Lung. "Well, thanks for not taking him up on it," Yut-Lung said stiffly.

"No problemo. And besides," Shorter said. "Yut-Lung and I have worked it out. Now the only benefit to our roommate relationship is that he does my biology homework for me."

Cain arched his eyebrows.

"I do not."

"Well, you will!"

"Why, because I feel guilty somewhere deep down?"

"No, because you're my friend and you don't want me to fail!"

"Get extra lessons too then!"

"I don't wanna!"

"I'm begging you; I know you have a heart somewhere!"

"I don't! It's dead!" Yut-Lung screeched.

"It is not!" Shorter looked almost genuinely offended that Yut-Lung thought that. Sing and Cain were both laughing.

"What?" demanded Yut-Lung. _At me?_

"You really don't wanna be controlled by that," Cain said, eyes wide. "You don't hold it against him at all."

"I was just imagining you teaching Shorter like you tutor me and wondering whether your patience might actually run out," Sing said. "And I wanna see it if it does."

The door to Lao's room opened, and all of them immediately shut up as Lao emerged. Yut-Lung bit back a smile.

"See ya," Sing said.


	10. Dust and Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for canon compliant issues with eating.

Christmas was strange.

Hua-Lung glowered at them as they took his exams, and while he'd clearly designed his questions to trick them, Ash had no problem answering. Blanca's too. He knew he'd aced his finals. And then the campus emptied for the most part, and unlike last year where he sat alone in his dorm room, or previous years where he found himself as a horrible gift for some creep, Max asked him to come for Christmas dinner. With Jessica and Michael, Ibe and Eiji.

The only tension was Ibe worrying over a phone call he'd gotten from his niece. Eiji changed it to FaceTime so that he could say hi to "Aki-chan." "Her name means dawn like yours," he told Ash.

Aslan. Aslan Jade Callenreese. The name his mother gave him, before disappearing, because not even the dawn or Jesus or precious stone would make him worth staying.

That seemed to cheer Akira up. Michael gave Ash a drawing he'd made of him. Ash wore a bright green cape in it. "'Cause you're my hero."

_Hero? Why? Michael, I just tell you how to do long division!_

Ash tried to focus on trying to use the week they had off to think of what to do he kept remembering how he and Griffin didn't have money for Christmas gifts, but it didn't matter, because Griffin used to spend the day playing any games Ash wanted. Like baseball inside the house one year when it was sleeting outside and when he still could handle the sight of a baseball without wanting to send it into someone, anyone's, face. When baseball was something he cheered at, instead of wanting to vomit at the thought of it.

The guilt over almost getting Eiji and Shorter in even more trouble gnawed at him too. He had a hard time looking Max and Ibe in the eyes. They'd be pissed if they knew. And he still couldn't fathom that fucking _Yut-Lung_ saved their asses.

Yut-Lung was here for Christmas too. _He's helping Blanca with something, some kind of internship,_ Shorter texted, and that was when Ash's chest seized. _I'll just bet he is!_

Was this all part of a plan to get Ash to trust him? Ash hated feeling like this, like there was no one to trust, like his skull was being scratched apart from the inside by the talons of his thoughts.

The day after Christmas, he followed Yut-Lung to Blanca's office. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but whatever it was, Yut-Lung clearly wasn't doing very much of an internship. He left less than an hour later with a bunch of papers in his arms. Grading?

Ash leaned back against the corner. _Blanca, what are you up to?_

While he was here, he should break into Kippard's office, find out what he was all about. If he got caught, he could always just make out with Kippard until—

A voice that sounded like Max's echoed in his mind. Ash hesitated.

A hand landed on his shoulder. Ash swore, jumping back.

Blanca folded his arms. "Want to explain why you were lurking outside of my classroom and why you're now snooping around Kippard's?"

"No?" Ash offered, heart pounding in his chest. "But I'm sure you'll write a report to Dino. Probably drafting your words now for your master."

Blanca's eyebrows pinched. "Be careful, Ash."

"Don't pretend like you care. You're here on Dino's business." Ash turned to stalk away.

"I'm here because I want you to be safe."

Ash stopped. His feet felt weighted with lead. His throat ached.

"Ash, give it up. It's not worth your—"

"My what, exactly?" Ash asked, unable to face Blanca. "My future? My life? As what, a whore?"

"Dino thinks your potential is unparalleled, Ash."

"Has he realized Yut-Lung exists? You have. What're you getting him to do for you, for him?"

"Yut-Lung's issues are not your concern. If you just bite the bullet and get through, you'll get into a good—"

"School?" Ash whirled around, facing Blanca. His lungs ached as if someone were squeezing them. "You don't have the right to act like this! You can't act like you care! You don't! You don't care at all! You left!" He glared up at the man he used to see as—as—his hero, in a white suit instead of in a cape, the man whose voice seemed to blend with Max's so often in his head, the man he expect Max to follow eventually, because he couldn't truly care, he couldn't, he'd leave too.

Blanca scowled. "So this is all petty—"

"Petty?" Ash gaped up at him. _I trusted you! And you—_

_Just like Griffin._

_You left._

_Griffin, come back!_

_You're here, Blanca, and you still don't want me. Why would my own brother want me, if he was alive? If he saw what I've become?_

_"You're safe, Ash. There are no pumpkin monsters." Griffin kissed the top of his head, holding him, and Ash knew he was safe._

"I never hurt—I listened to you, and I do care—"

"No," Ash said, chest heaving. "You don't." His mind flashed to somewhere else, another face, smiling, comforting a child, throwing a shoe at him, snapping photographs. "There is someone who does care about me without wanting anything in return, and it's the best feeling in the world." His anger fizzled. "You're not that. I'm not whomever you think I am, and I have people I care about, and I'm doing this for someone I loved. My brother." He turned to walk away. He wanted to talk to Eiji. He wanted to see Eiji.

_You really do care._

_Eiji, you're an incredible person, and you don't even realize it._

"So you'll just endanger him, too? Going after Shorter was just the start, Ash, and I—"

Ash froze.

"No matter how much you play at having a family, Ash, you don't. Dino won't let you. He'll go after your dorm parent, go after your roommate."

_Eiji. His name's Eiji._

"Your brother's gone. Let him go. Move on. If not, you'll keep seducing people like—whomever you seduced last fall—or Kippard, which I know you were thinking of, in order to protect them, and you'll die because you'll be the whore you _know_ you're not."

Blanca's words hit Ash like a spear. He doubled over, clutching his side. Something shattered in his mind, in his chest, in his—him—somewhere. "You are," Ash managed. "The biggest coward I've ever met, and I hate you. The sight of you makes me sick."

He ran. He wasn't sure how he could run, but he knew he needed to get away, get away from Blanca, from his voice, from his presence. He stumbled, tripping over a branch and falling onto the asphalt. His palms skinned, he dragged himself back to his feet.

" _Dino's gonna kill me if I don't eat this caviar," Ash mumbled, staring at the disgusting brown eggs._

" _Put it on my plate," Blanca hissed to him, the sound of wine corks opening all around them._

" _But you hate it too."_

_Blanca winked at him. He managed to shove all the caviar into his mouth, and then spit it out later._

He tripped again. This time blood dribbled down his palm. Ash plucked gravel out of the wound.

"Ash?"

He looked up. Jessica stood at the head of the path, eyes wide.

"I'm fine." He got to his feet.

"No, no you're not." Jessica grabbed his arm. "Are you drunk?"

"What? No!" Ash glared at her.

_I'm broken. I'm a toilet. I'm useless. I'm just going to get you in trouble and Max and Eiji and Griffin—_

_Griff... if I let you go. If. I_ _guess I don't love you as much as you loved me. What a terrible brother I am_.

 _I'm going to let Eiji down eventually, too. I let everyone down. I poison everyone_.

"I'm sick," Ash managed. _I can't let go._

_Griffin, help me!_

"Yeah." Jessica helped him down to the dorm. "Ash… if you want to talk, please let me know."

Ash couldn't even pry his jaw open to reply. Eiji leapt to his feet when he saw Ash, fear in his eyes. "Ash, did something happen?"

"No," he said. "Just a headache." _I happened._

 _You shouldn't be rooming with me._ But when Ash pushed himself up on his elbow to see Eiji getting him a glass of water, he couldn't bring himself to lob the kind of insults that would push him away. _You don't deserve that._

* * *

Ash didn't eat anything that night. Or the next morning. He drank the water Eiji gave him, but he didn't want to go to the cafeteria. Max tried to drag him to Dr. Mannerheim's, but he insisted he'd be fine. Except his voice told Eiji that Ash definitely did not believe he would be fine.

_What happened? Was it—what happened last time?_

_I can't reach you. You're drifting away, Ash, and I can't grab hold of you._

_Don't go. Please don't go._

_You're here. I'm not letting you go, but I can't make you stay._

_I want you to want to stay with me. Please. Ash, please._

He woke in the middle of the night to a sharp gasp. Eiji's eyes flew open. He heard Ash getting to his feet, padding towards the bathroom. The sink ran. He hesitated. _Ash…_

Eiji pulled himself out of bed, standing in the bathroom door.

Ash was crying, staring into the darkened mirror. His hands shook. And then he spotted Eiji.

Eiji reached out for him, and Ash fell into him, chin resting on Eiji's shoulder. He shuddered, and Eiji held him, held him as if he could keep him together, but he couldn't, so he held him against him, both of them breathing in, out, in sync. Here. Together.

"It wasn't anything new," Ash said, sitting with Eiji on Eiji's bed, blankets wrapped around both of them. Eiji used his electric kettle to boil water for tea. "It was just—everything. I ran into Blanca. He accused me of planning to make out with Kippard for information, or—"

"What?" Eiji blinked.

"I was," Ash said, lips curving. "I would have broken into his office and done that to get out of it if I had gotten caught. I don't know another way. I'm like a broken doll that's only use is being thrown in the trash. A broken record that can only play the same shitty songs."

Eiji flinched. _Is that really what you think of yourself?_

_Useless…_

"I've been a prostitute since I was seven," Ash said. "There was this baseball coach. He—he raped me. He stuffed a towel in my mouth—I couldn't scream—I was too terrified to do anything. Even if he hadn't stuffed that towel in, I don't think I could've done anything. I was so scared. And then my father took us to the cops and they didn't believe me, and then my father decided he didn't care enough anyways, and he told me to make him—pay me. The coach. And so I did. I made him pay me. I was a prostitute."

_No, Ash, you were a victim._

"After a year I stole my dad's gun and I shot him—and I—I felt nothing. I'm a murderer." He met Eiji's eyes, his own streaming. "And he had—bodies of other boys buried—he's the Bluebeard of Cape Cod, he has a Wikipedia article for himself, and I—my dad sent me away, and I ran away, and that's when—I—wound up—and Marvin liked the films they made, I don't know, and bought me for Dino, and—he thought I was smart and pretty. A mindless doll. Good for one thing, and then he realized I had a brain, but he sees it like his computer, something he can wire himself." He doubled over. "I—don't you think that's disgusting?"

"I think _they're_ disgusting," Eiji managed. " _Not_ you, Ash."

"I can't have a future. Not unless Dino—google my name and you'll find I'm a porn star, a murderer, first degree, a pet for a corrupt principal—I don't—I'm—no matter what I do—all I have is Griffin, finding out what happened to him." Ash's face crumpled. "If he hadn't—if—"

 _If he hadn't left._ Eiji wiped at his eyes.

"Huh?" Ash blinked at him. "Why're you crying?"

"Because it sounds so painful," Eiji managed. "Like you're—you really think of yourself—like a doll and Ash, you're not. Not to me."

"You see yourself as useless, though."

"It's not the same."

Ash stared at him, green irises offset by red, tears smeared across his face. Eiji saw his own face reflected in Ash's eyes. And then he looked away.

Ash's head landed on his lap, soft. "Stay by my side," Ash croaked out. "Even if it's not forever. Even if it's just for now."

"Forever," Eiji whispered. His hand rested on Ash's hair, and Ash didn't flinch away. It felt so strange, to hold someone he saw as a pinnacle of strength in his lap, feel his tears and snot soaking his pajama bottoms. A child lonely, bruised and bleeding, battered but still hoping for something better, grasping for it, unable to let go.

_You're not broken. You're hurt. And what's broken—I believe it can be mended. I believe it will be. I have to._

_Otherwise, I can't go on._

And Ash was no doll. A doll was not warm. A doll didn't inspire him to live.

He remembered falling, darkness closing in, the crunch in his ankle. And whatever he grasped since then, since he'd let go of that pole, was air, and his arms were getting tired of reaching. And now Ash was flesh and bone, pulling him.

_I'm still afraid._

_Is it okay, to move with broken parts, to live with a torn ligament, a bruise? If we mend them for each other?_

He woke to Ash nudging him. Eiji's cheeks flushed as he realized he was asleep on Ash's... abdomen. They'd go with abdomen.

"Morning," Ash eked out.

Eiji sat up. He swallowed. "Do you want breakfast?"

Ash closed his eyes. "I'll eat a little bit."

Eiji brought him back some toast and sat with him as Ash nibbled on it. "I just don't know what to do now," Ash admitted. "If I give up helping Griffin, then I—I don't know."

Eiji wrapped his arm around Ash. "Do you want to talk to George?"

"No." Ash pressed his lips together. "I don't really like middle-aged men, Eiji. I mean—that sounds bad, but I can't—open up around them."

"I don't blame you."

"Max did suggest I talk to Jessica, but I don't know if I—how I can just show up there and be like 'hey, can I talk to you about rape.' And what if Michael's there? He probably doesn't know anything about it, and I don't want him to. He's just a kid—he's the age I was when—" Ash set the half-eaten toast down.

"You are worth no less than he is," Eiji said.

"What?" Ash's eyes widened.

"To me," Eiji said. "You weren't worth any less. Golzine—I want to take him down, too. If he hurt you like that, if Marvin—if you knew Kippard—I don't care."

Ash almost laughed. "Eiji, you—"

Something burned inside Eiji. Something he hadn't felt in so long. "I'm not a doll to be protected, Ash."

Ash flinched.

"I'm not saying you treat me like that," Eiji interrupted. "But if you don't want to give up, you don't have to on my account. You don't have to protect me."

"Hm." Ash crossed his arms, scowling as he studied Eiji. His lips twitched as if repressing a smirk. Eiji rolled his eyes.

"Want me to talk to Jessica for you?" Eiji asked bluntly. "I can tell her you want to talk to her." _If this is all I can do, then I'll do it. And I'll hope it's not useless._

Ash hesitated, and then nodded.

Eiji went to Max's apartment first. His boots crunched in snow that coated the dorm, only a few centimeters.

"Eiji, what's wrong?" Max blurted out right away. "Is it Ash?"

Jessica appeared behind him. Two breakfast bowls sat in the sink. Eiji opted not to comment on Jessica's rumpled clothing nor on the fact that Michael was clearly asleep in the guest bedroom. He nodded.

"Is he okay?" Jessica asked.

"Not really." Eiji wrung his hands. "He's—he asked for Jessica."

"Me?" demanded Jessica, hands on her hips and a tilt to her head that reminded Eiji so much of Ash. Max rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, sure. I'll talk to him." She grabbed an apple and a jar of peanut butter before she left.

_There's only so much I can do._

_But I'll do what I can._

* * *

"You rang?" came Jessica's droll voice.

"Old lady," Ash managed, sitting up. His head spun.

"Fucking hell," said Jessica. "You look like shit."

"I know." Ash didn't know what to say. Why did he think this would work? What—

"You know," said Jessica. "To Max, and to me, you matter more than your brother. Since you're alive, and he doesn't even have a grave to visit."

Ash's jaw dropped. "What—"

"And because you were someone he never shut up about. I met him once and he talked about you," said Jessica, sitting down on Ash's bed since Ash was still lying on Eiji's. "Yeah, finding out what happened to Griffin is one of Max's goals. But he'd rather have you alive and okay than that. Because you matter too. And since you're alive, we'd both choose you. And if you were both alive, we'd choose both of you."

Ash's heart pounded. "Are you asking me to stop—"

"Do you want to? Or is this even about Griffin?" Jessica leaned back. "Because it's okay if it isn't."

"Are you saying it's about me?" Ash demanded. "That I'm selfish, or—"

"No, I'm suggesting you're hurt. You're a little boy hurting who knows what happened to him was wrong and wants to find a way of proving that it was wrong, to prove he has the right to exist. Well, you do."

Ash blinked. Thoughts without words stuck in his throat.

"It's okay to be hurt," said Jessica. "When someone attacked me, it took me six months to even get back on my feet again."

"I never had six months," Ash said. "Wait, did Max tell you?"

"No, Golzine told me about your past on Cape Cod, and Max can try to be subtle but even as a reporter that's not really his skillset. That should never have happened, and if I'm ever in a room with your father, he's going to—"

Ash's eyes bugged out. _My father—_

_I just—_

_Dad, why? Why couldn't_ you _say this to me? Mom? Where are you? Why did you leave me? Did I cry too much? I rarely cry anymore, until last night._

He lowered his head.

"Look," said Jessica. "I have a son. I pulled myself together for him, but it took a hell of a lot of work, and I'm angry. I'm _still_ angry. And I'm still in pain. Being in pain doesn't make you weak."

Ash didn't know what to say. He wanted to believe her. _Why am I alive?_

_Is it okay for me to be?_

_Mommy, if you gave me life, why did you leave me?_

_Help me, Mom! Dad?_

"Max and I want to help you," said Jessica. "Griffin or not Griffin. Because you're you, and we think you're exactly the kind of person we'd like Michael to be."

 _What?_ "A mess?"

"No, a sensitive and strong kid who doesn't look down on those weaker than him. Even if you should never have had to be so strong, because being weak—there's nothing wrong with that either." Jessica wrinkled her nose. "Even if that's hard to accept for myself. And, kid, do you think I'm the type to flatter you?"

Ash stared at her.

She held out an apple and a jar of peanut butter. He took it. And then he cried, and Jessica wrapped her arms around him.

* * *

"You look like shit," said Shorter when everyone poured back onto campus. "Like, yikes, man."

"Flu," Ash lied. But he'd managed to eat dinner tonight. Eating—it was a reminder he existed, that he had to fuel himself to keep going. It was hard to press his teeth together, to chew, to swallow. And yet Eiji was sitting next to him, and Jessica had been talking to him daily. "How was having Charlie there?"

"He's like, really good to my sister, which makes hating him hard, which makes me grumpy." Shorter flopped onto Ash's bed, crushing his legs.

"Hey!"

"Your fault." Shorter sat up. "So, any news? Kippard—"

Ash exchanged a glance with Eiji. "Shorter… we need to be more careful." He drew in his breath. He still didn't want to give up. He couldn't.

_Is it about Griffin, or is about me?_

_Does it matter? Either way. I want him to go down. I can't let him hurt anyone else. No more Griffins. No more mes._

_Dino Golzine, I hate you._

_But I'm here. And I'm trying._ The food sat like a rock in his stomach, but it was there, and for now that was all he could do.

"We can't be as reckless as last semester," Ash chose to say. Eiji nodded.

"Well, good," said Shorter. "Because fortunately we have someone who just so happens to be close to the inner workings of this twisted school and who happens to hate the VP and business teacher as much as you hate Golzine."

"No way," said Ash.

"Yes way," said Shorter. "He's just lonely. He'd help us. If I ask."

"I don't trust him for shit," Ash said.

"He did save us," Eiji muttered.

Ash moaned.


	11. Unearthed

"I'll think about it," Yut-Lung told Shorter.

" _Think about it_ ," Shorter repeated, shoulders slumping. "'Kay."

Yut-Lung lay awake after Shorter turned out the lights, blankets pulled up over his face. He doubted Blanca would be enthused about him helping Ash out in anything other than an emergency situation. And Ash was still hanging around that stupid Eiji, spending Christmas with him, even.

Still. If Ash could help him deal with his brothers… but he would rather die than have anyone discuss publicly what they'd done to him. What they'd made him do. It was bad enough to have a slut reputation at this fucking school. And if people found out about his mother, if they blamed her, if they thought her weak for what they did to her...

 _It's not enough._ Blanca's care and protection for him—it wasn't enough. He was still spiraling, plummeting towards a gaping void. He dreamed of falling when he wasn't dreaming of his mother.

Shorter shook him awake when he screamed his throat raw. And Shorter didn't press, but his eyes stayed on Yut-Lung, worried, until Yut-Lung turned over and pretended to be asleep again.

 _I'd do anything for her_.

_I want them to pay for it. So do you, don't you, Ash? For your brother._

Yut-Lung combed his hair the next morning, getting ready for the second semester of classes. He still had his extra lessons in biology, if only as part of his internship. Or because Blanca wanted him to still tutor Sing or something.

He trudged his way to first period. Dawson's chemistry. He sat down by himself at the two-person black marble desks, like normal.

A bag landed next to him. Yut-Lung arched his eyebrows.

"Yo," said Sing. "Didn't get to see you."

"Shorter told you to persuade me, didn't he," Yut-Lung stated.

"I mean, yes, but I don't even know what about." Sing rolled his eyes as Lao sat next to Shorter, scowling at Sing.

"Is he shocked?" asked Arthur. "He is shocked! Poor Lao."

"Ignore him," Sing advised, turning away from Arthur, who looked like a dog wagging his tail, eager to pounce. Still, his brow furrowed.

"Didn't you hear your little bro got caught making out with the school slut right before Christmas?" Arthur crooned.

Oh shit. Yut-Lung was pretty sure Lao would have ripped his head off then and there if Shorter hadn't grabbed Laos's shoulders. Ash and Eiji both cringed.

"What?" squeaked out Bones. "I mean, damn, I knew you helped with a distraction, but I didn't know that—"

"Shut up!" bellowed Sing. His face was bright red.

Lao looked to be hyperventilating, doubling over his desk.

 _It's not like that!_ Yut-Lung opened his mouth, but Sing shook his head. "Don't even worry about it. It's bullshit, and sooner or later Arthur will realize no one cares."

 _You're underestimating the way everyone here salivates for someone new to tear apart and stitch with a scarlet S for slut_.

"Attention, everyone!" squeaked Dawson. His voice faltered when he looked at his students. "Is there a problem?"

"No," Sing said, hunching his shoulders. "No problem here."

The bell rang at the end of class, and Lao lunged for Sing. Yut-Lung hesitated.

"I wouldn't get involved," Shorter mumbled, sidling up next to Yut-Lung.

Yut-Lung glanced at him, books clutched to his chest;. He turned and stalked after Lao and Sing anyways. Shorter groaned.

"It was just to create a distraction!" Sing protested. "And it doesn't matter, Lao! Who I—"

"He's a—don't you remember what he did to Shorter? It can't be him!" Lao looked as if Sing was a virgin daughter who'd spoiled himself before is wedding night. And Yut-Lung was not a fan of such misogyny or of the patriarchal attitude that you were entitled to anyone else's sexual behavior on the virtue of being older than them and sharing some DNA in common.

_You're not your absent father, Lao._

"We're not dating!" Sing squawked. "It was just a distraction! And he's not that bad, he's really cool—"

"I can confirm," Yut-Lung interjected. "We're not dating."

Lao glowered at him, lips curling. "Go away."

"It was an emergency situation; of course I resorted to what I know best to create a distraction," Yut-Lung snapped. His heart pounded, and his eyes stung.  _What I know best…_

 _I know nothing of kisses freely given, only stolen._ Except Shorter.

Sing's gaze softened. "Shut up, Lao. I mean it. Leave me alone and leave him alone, or I'll—ask to switch dorm rooms."

Lao's mouth fell open. He stumbled as if Sing had slapped him. Sing walked towards Yut-Lung, slinging his arm around him. "Let's go."

"I hear Jenkins does counseling for attachment issues," Yut-Lung said sweetly to Lao.

"Oh, shut up," Sing snapped. "Not helping."

"I couldn't resist."

But still. Sing had defended him. Sing called him cool. Yut-Lung ate lunch with him and with Shorter, Lao looking like he was choking on a pickle the entire time. And after dinner, Yut-Lung finally dragged himself to Ash and Eiji's room.

"Yut-Lung!" sputtered Eiji, opening the door. "I wasn't—"

"Is Ash here?"

Eiji nodded, letting him inside. Ash pried himself up from where he had flopped over his bed,  _Catcher in the Rye_  in his hand. "Yes?"

"Shorter talked to me." Yut-Lung folded his arms, standing in the center of the room. He didn't like that Eiji was here. He didn't like—

"I know," said Ash.

"I can go to Kong and Bones's—" Eiji started.

 _Damn you_. Beating him to his demand. Being considerate. "No, stay," Yut-Lung said with a huff. He dropped onto Eiji's desk chair. He didn't need an invitation. "You want me to what exactly? Spy on Golzine? On my own brothers?"

"Pretty much," Ash confirmed. No pretenses. Yut-Lung appreciated that.

"Well, they already asked me to spy on Blanca. Except he figured it out. And now he and I are—friends, I guess." That wasn't specifically true. He didn't know quite how to say it. "Well, he's helping me. Also, I know he's here to spy on you for Golzine but I don't know what for, exactly. I know you think your brother is innocent but you can't prove it."

"I don't know what I think about that," Ash interrupted. "Innocent or not, it doesn't matter. I just want to know what happened."

_Huh?_

Ash lifted his eyebrows, sitting cross-legged on his bed now.

"So why would I help you?" managed Yut-Lung. "When I have different orders."

"I'm guessing you hate your brothers—"

_"Yut-Lung!" Her arms grasping towards him. They held her by her braid, choking her with her own hair. "No!"_

_What happened to yours?_

"Do you want to know why I hate  _you?"_  Yut-Lung asked abruptly.

Ash rubbed his forehead. Eiji sat on his bed, next to Ash. "I guess? You're going to tell me anyways, aren't you?"

Probably. Yut-Lung tossed his hair. His heart pounded. He remembered the emptiness in Blanca's eyes. "Because we're the same. Like yin and yang. And I hate myself, so I hate you too. My brothers are no better than Golzine. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

Ash's mouth parted. "For real?"

Yut-Lung nodded. He twisted his hands in his lap.

"Fuck," said Ash. "Is everyone who works here a pedo?"

"Not Blanca."

"Sure, and not Max either, but everyone in actual power." Ash blew out his breath.

Was that just how the world was? Excusing perpetrators, parading children around for them to choose from, blaming and strangling the victims? When they lashed out, letting them fall on their own knives?

_Even if your brother isn't innocent, you still love you._

Yut-Lung spotted Eiji watching him, eyes concerned, brow furrowed, lower lip poking out like he was actually worried but he shouldn't be, he couldn't be, he didn't have the right to be, he never went through anything like this, he could never understand, never never never.

And yet…

"I'll help you," Yut-Lung managed. "I will. But only if whatever you are doing to take down Golzine  _also_  takes down my brothers. Okay?"

* * *

The door swung open about fifteen minutes later. Eiji's chest felt as if it'd been rubbed raw. To think Yut-Lung—he looked so secure, so confident—

He remembered Yut-Lung screaming in the cafeteria, the night Ash vomited when he came back from the hospital, all of it.  _You really are the same._

_School slut. Whore. Ho._

All of it, and he hadn't contradicted them. Eiji swallowed.

"I figured there wasn't any screaming or blood leaking out from under the door, so it was safe to come in," said Shorter, Sing on his heels. "The two of us were praying to every god we could think of."

"Ha, ha," Ash snapped. Yut-Lung actually giggled.

"Shorter kind of caught me up on things," Sing added, jerking his thumb at his friend. "About your brother and that Dino's some kind of mafia monster. And that Yut-Lung's brothers aren't any better. This is crazy."

"No kidding," Ash said gloomily.

"Can I ask why you're here?" Sing asked. "Like, why don't you just run away?"

"I can't," said Ash. "My brother—Griffin. He raised me."

Eiji swallowed. He glanced at his phone. His sister had called him earlier. He needed to call her back.

"My mother drove his mother out, but the bitch took off after I was born," Ash admitted. "She wanted a more exciting life. And my dad—he shacked up with this woman named Jennifer from the diner instead. He left Griff to live on his own in our little house. But he didn't give me up or throw me away. He raised me." Ash's voice softened, his words silken threads woven through the air.

_She left you._

_He saved you._

"He was only fifteen. He deserved so much better. He had his whole life ahead of him and—then he didn't, because all the money he earned from his job went to feeding me, clothing me, paying for heat in the winter. What my dad gave us wasn't enough." Ash covered his eyes. "I sometimes wonder if he joined the army to get away from me."

"Ash, really, he didn't," Eiji said. "You heard Max, and Jessica. He loved you."

"I really hope they're right," Ash managed. His voice clenched tight, he ducked his head. "Then he left for the army, and—well, you know." Sing and Yut-Lung both nodded. "And my dad sent me to his sister's when I got too troubling for him, but for almost a year I lived on my own. I was seven."

Empty houses. His sister, asking him what was for dinner, because his mother wasn't home yet, and Eiji would hear her coming home at three in the morning. Heating up canned food for her, trying to complete his fourth grade homework on time.

"Your dad sounds like a shithead," said Yut-Lung. "I mean, Christ, my dad gave us what we needed, whenever we needed, and then some. And he was a shit human being, but he was better than that."

Ash pulled his knees up to his chest. He clutched his calves, not saying anything.

"What a bitch," said Shorter.

Ash almost laughed.

 _She loved you, though, didn't she_? Eiji swallowed. He wanted to say it, wanted Ash to believe it, but he couldn't. Not now.

_You love me, don't you? Mom? Dad? You couldn't come. You would have. You—_

He couldn't imagine the empty feeling that resonated from Ash's voice, the one that sounded like a pebble rattling around in an empty bottle. It hurt.

"I'm here for Skip," Ash said. "I met him—while at Dino's place. His mom had gotten shot and he didn't know his father. Dino said he'd give him a scholarship, but it wasn't out of the kindness of his heart. He's trying to use him to threaten me. If I do anything—if he catches me going too far—he'll put Skip through what he put me through." Ash clenched his fist. "I can't let that happen. Skip is a good kid."

"Are you for real?" demanded Shorter.

Ash nodded.

"Well, fuck," said Shorter. He looked at Eiji, at Sing, at Yut-Lung. "We're not letting anything happen to that kid."

"He has no idea. Skip." Ash closed his eyes. "I want to—help him be free, too. Jessica was right, when I talked to her. I can't be free while he's still—out there. He'll never let me go. He's too obsessed."

"Who can we trust?" asked Sing.

"Blanca," said Yut-Lung. "Well, not to interfere. If we need him to help us not get hurt."

"I wouldn't count on that," Ash said, lips twisting. "He'll do what he thinks is best. If that's for us to stay here, he'll try to stop us."

"Shit."

"Max and Jessica," said Eiji. "Ibe and Charlie, Nadia."

"George and Jenkins are good," said Yut-Lung. "At least, my brothers hate them, so they have to be."

Ash snorted.

"I know how you feel about Griffin," Yut-Lung said, voice shaking.

 _Hm?_  Eiji frowned, watching him, Yut-Lung's face paled, sweat forming on his forehead.

"My mom—she was fifteen when she had me. She was ten when my father bought her from her father, who was a poor street peddler. My dad was sixty-five." Yut-Lung's words caught. "Isn't that grotesque?"

"Are you serious?" demanded Sing. His lips curled. Eiji's dinner surged up his throat.

Yut-Lung nodded. "I shouldn't—exist."

"But you do," said Ash.

"She loved me," Yut-Lung whispered. "She loved me anyways, she would sing—she had the same long hair—and then they raped her."

"What?" Shorter gaped. Eiji felt cold.

"After he died. I was six. They came—Hua-Lung held me back in his arms—they made me watch—they took turns, all six of them—raping her. And then Hua-Lung dragged me away, and she was screaming my name, and they told me she tried to kill herself and now she's in a psych ward and doesn't remember me or anyone else and is dangerous." Yut-Lung wiped at his eyes. "I loved her," he repeated. "They won't even let me see her. I tried to break out once to see her. I was eleven and they sent me to someone into BDSM to punish me. I honestly think she's dead and they tell me that just to keep me working for them, and I'm weak and pathetic enough to believe them. No, I know she's dead. Sometimes."

 _Oh my god._ Eiji exchanged a glance with Ash. "It's not your fault."

"Huh?" Yut-Lung looked up at him, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"They're—monsters—stealing away children's lives," Eiji said. "Your mom, Griffin, Ash, you—threatening to steal Skip's—" He curled his fist. "We'll stop them."

Yut-Lung's gaze softened. "That's naive, but we'll try."

"We'll try," Eiji agreed.

The door flung open again.

* * *

"Lao!" yelped Shorter. Sing's brother's gaze darted about, taking them all in.

 _If you were listening, I'll beat your brains in,_ Sing decided. Not that Lao would have been listening. He wasn't patient enough for that.

He was still reeling from what Yut-Lung had said. What Shorter said about Ash was bad enough, even if he hadn't told him why Dino was keeping him around. Sing could figure that part out.

_She loved you. And they took her from you._

_You don't think you're allowed to have anyone who loves you. You hate yourself for that._

He couldn't fathom that feeling. Lao loved him, that he knew, but his love was suffocating. The closest Sing could come to knowing that was feeling like Lao would never let him love anyone without making his life hell, like he thought everyone had a limited supply of love to draw from.

 _I really do consider you a friend, Yut-Lung._  And he was impressed when he heard he actually went to Ash's room.  _You're braver than you think._

"Was wondering where everyone was," Lao said casually.

 _I'll bet._ Sing leaned back.

"What're you all talking about?"

Silence. Ash glanced at Shorter, who sighed.

"Sex," Sing answered. It was technically true.

Shorter almost choked, covering his mouth. Eiji's face turned as red as the throw pillow on his bed.

"What?" Lao tried to laugh. His eyes spelled out murder.

"Yeah," chimed in Yut-Lung. "Sex. Like I've had it, and so has Ash, and Shorter, but Sing and Eiji are both virgins. Sing hasn't even had his first kiss."

"Uh, you—" Sing started.

"Doesn't count." Yut-Lung waved his hand. "Not unless you wanted it."

 _It doesn't_? Sing frowned. He hadn't exactly disliked it—

"Then I haven't had sex, in that case," Ash said, flopping back. Said casually. Like it didn't matter. Still, Sing saw how his eyes closed, as if he hated it, and liked the idea at the same time.

"How about you, big bro?" Sing asked sweetly.

Lao scowled at him, yanking out Ash's desk chair to sit down. "No."

"Been kissed?" asked Yut-Lung.

"I know for a fact you have been kissed, dude," said Shorter, aiming his thumb at him. "I saw you with that hot girl last year, when we actually won the soccer championship. What ever did happen with that?"

"She started going out with someone else." Lao scowled.

"I didn't know about that," Sing said, sitting up.  _Why didn't you tell me? See, you don't tell me things either._

_You don't tell me things that hurt you, do you? Lao..._

"Party in Ash's room!" hollered Alex's voice.

"Oh no," whispered Ash.

"Hey, Ash had a girl he liked back when he was fourteen," Shorter said as Alex, Kong, and Bones squeezed in.

"She died," Ash said. "I never so much as held her hand. I just gave her flowers once." His face turned as red as roses. Sing chortled.

"Damn," said Bones. "An old-fashioned romantic."

"How about them?" Lao asked, nodding. His eyes lasered Yut-Lung.

"Easy," said Yut-Lung. "Kong and Bones are virgins. Alex is not."

"Why is this the conversation?" complained Bones.

"Damn," said Kong.

"Wrong, actually," said Alex, settling on the floor beside Ash's bed.

"For real?" Sing blinked. He didn't know why he was so surprised.

"There's nothing wrong with not having found anyone I want to do it with yet," Alex countered.

"Exactly," Eiji said quickly.

Yut-Lung looked down at his shoes. Sing shifted. He didn't want Yut-Lung or Ash to feel uncomfortable—

"Yo," said Cain, appearing.

"Cain!" Sing exclaimed.

"No one's fighting and you're all in the same room together," Cain remarked, crossing his arms. "Impressive."

"I'm the only one of us who has to regularly deal with the one person in this dorm who causes fights and he has an extra essay for Jessica Randy," said Alex.

"Well, that's optimistic of you." Cain glanced from Lao to Yut-Lung.

"We're talking about sex," Shorter informed him. "How many times, who with, all of it."

Cain guffawed. "Two girls. One I was fifteen, the other last summer. But I'm not naming names."

" _Nice_ ," Shorter said, nodding.

Cain shrugged. "It was fun. Nothing wrong with that. Just be responsible about it, no one wants to be a daddy at sixteen, and they gotta have fun too."

Yut-Lung and Ash exchanged glances. Sing winced.

"It's no big deal, then," Kong said.

"Mm, it is if you want it to be, and either way it's pretty awkward the first time," Shorter commented.

When they all finally left when Max announced lights out, Sing caught Yut-Lung's arm. "Sorry about that. I really thought he'd like, leave."

Yut-Lung shrugged. "You've no reason to be sorry. It was fun."

Sing arched his eyebrows. "Fun?"

"Yeah," Yut-Lung said, their breaths forming clouds in the icy air. Wind rattled the building. Sing grimaced. "Almost like—like I imagine normal people to be able to talk. Seeing it. It's nice to know it exists. And sex can be fun for people."

 _Shit._ Sing winced. "Well, you said it yourself. Doesn't count, then."

"It does with Shorter." Yut-Lung tossed him a smile. "And it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Cain's words lingered. "I think it does, if it does to you," Sing said quietly.

Yut-Lung swallowed. "Well, just—be responsible whenever you get the chance. Because if you get a summer job this year girls will be all over you. And guys." He poked Sing's bicep. "Remember, you don't want to end up like me." He waved. "Good night, Sing Soo-Ling."

Sing watched him go. With an STD, no.

But otherwise, would that really be so bad to be like Yut-Lung?


	12. Valentine's Day

Yut-Lung still refused to allow Sing to be involved in anything directly. But he also claimed he and Ash weren't going to do anything to put Sing or Eiji or Shorter at further risk. Every class period seemed fraught with tension, like they were all walking on a tightrope, waiting for someone to make the first move and push the other off. Either Ash would find something with Yut-Lung's help or Dino would lash out first.

"I could have dinner with my brothers," Yut-Lung said as January dragged on. He stabbed his spoon into his grapefruit. "Hua-Lung might be persuaded to tell me what he knows about Dino."

"Via sleeping with him?" asked Sing, arching an eyebrow. The rich scent of coffee wafted up to his nose. _Do your job and_ w _ake me up, caffeine._

Yut-Lung flinched. His face grayed, and Sing wished he could take back those words.

"No," said Ash. "Please, Yut-Lung, don't do that."

"Why not?" Yut-Lung jutted his chin out. "It's not like it matters. I'm pretty sure I can make him wear a condom nowadays."

"Because I've done something similar before and someone told me I was—worth more than that." Ash swallowed. "I don't want you to do that."

Yut-Lung snorted. "I thought you were gonna say because Blanca would be pissed."

"Well, he would be." Ash scowled, taking a giant bite of his pancakes. Eiji smeared jam on toast.

"What happened between you two anyways?" asked Sing, stuffing pancakes into his own mouth. "Like, I don't buy that your sassing him the first day of class was just because his face annoyed you."

"He never touched me," Ash said sharply. Eiji sighed. "He's not like that."

"So he's just working with someone who is?" Sing snorted, swirling the coffee around in his cup. Lao kept trying to get him to drink it black, but Sing needed cream and sugar. He couldn't drink pure bitterness. "Seems like a great guy." Or just the same as Golzine. He didn't get brownie points with Sing.

"I don't know what his deal is," Ash said. "He used to tutor me, and he was protecting me more or less, and then he left."

"Maybe he couldn't stand seeing you get hurt," Eiji offered.

Shorter rubbed his chin.

"Well, I still think he's a piece of shit," Sing said. "If he knew and did nothing."

Ash froze. "I didn't want him to go to the police. Dino's paying half their paychecks anyways."

"Still a shithead." Shouldn't an adult take responsibility for a kid? Especially one he was charged with protecting?

Yut-Lung stared at the fruit on his tray, lips pressed together.

"Hey, losers!" Arthur chortled, before spilling his orange juice down Ash's shirt.

Yut-Lung stuck his foot out. "Oops." Arthur plummeted to the floor, face smashing into his trash, pancakes and syrup smeared through his hair.

Lao shook his head from where he was watching. Sing already knew he was pissed that Sing was setting himself up as a target. " _There's only so much I can do to protect you, Sing! He's a bully! A shitty—"_

" _I never asked you to protect me!" Sing had bellowed the night before. "What, did Mom?"_

" _No, but I'm your older brother!"_

" _You're a jailer is what you are!" And Sing had stomped to Cain's room, had some of Cain's vodka, and slept on Cain's floor that night._

Arthur continued to be obnoxious as hell as January stretched into February, and to add insult to injury, Sing did appear to be his new target. He was not letting go of the fact that Yut-Lung and Sing had been caught making out. The double entendres and comments about whether or not Yut-Lung's dick was larger than the carrots he ate with his salads were starting to get so bad Ash asked Shorter about stuffing Arthur into a locker, but Sing doubted it would be worth it. "He's trying to distract you, can't you see? If you get yourselves expelled for some petty-ass shit like that, then we're all screwed."

"I can take it," Yut-Lung said, tossing his ponytail as if he was bored. "I'm used to it."

 _But you shouldn't be_. Sing didn't know what to say. He just stared at Yut-Lung.

"What?" Yut-Lung snapped, before storming off. Because even when you were friends with Yut-Lung, you had to deal with his mood swings.

"Question," Arthur called the first week of February. "Did you pay him for sex? I bet you did. You're a john and he's a—"

"Say that again and I'll break your whole arm," Sing warned, spinning around in his desk.

"A threat, Sing Soo-Ling?" asked Foxx, entering their history classroom. "Detention."

Sing's jaw dropped. But there was nothing to be said. No way out.

"I bet he thinks he has a magical healing cock," Arthur said in literature. "A big one, from the size of him. Makes Yut-Lung feel like a virgin again."

"You almost sound jealous," Yut-Lung taunted. "Maybe you just don't want to admit your true feelings."

"Detention, Arthur," Jessica said. "And you're to write me a report on sexual harassment. Due tomorrow. Two pages."

"Bitch," mumbled Arthur.

"Two weeks of detention, and don't try me again, Arthur. Also? Four pages, too, now."

Ash smirked. Sing rubbed his forehead.

"I'll kill him," Lao declared. At the very least, he seemed to be more sympathetic to Sing and Yut-Lung now.

"Don't get yourself expelled," Sing said. "Please."

Lao's eyes widened, as if that was the nicest thing Sing had ever said to him.

February 14th dawned, and Eiji chattered about how in Japan, girls gave the men around them chocolates, and then the boys gave them in return on White Day. Pink and red crinoline hearts decorated the schools hallways. He was fairly certain he heard Jessica calling them "sickening" at one point, but Nadia liked them, and he knew Charlie had asked her out to a fancy dinner.

When Sing got to biology, he yanked out his textbook and froze. Someone—or really, obviously Arthur—had drawn a giant penis on the cover. _I'm going to have to pay for this._

_I can't afford it._

_Arthur, you—_

"Is that size-accurate?" Arthur asked. "Doodling your daydreams? I bet Yut-Lung has a whole date planned for tonight, since—"

"Since you're fucking single?" Ash snapped.

"Better single than screwing a manipulative poisonous—"

"Stop it!" A crack. Sing jumped.

Yut-Lung was on his feet, having slammed his hands on his desk. "For the love of God, Arthur, knock it off. Are you really that desperate for attention? Is your dick so small you have to compensate by _being_ a total dick to someone who did _nothing_ to you, nor to—anyone? Like, does anyone here have a problem with Sing? Anyone? Has he ever been anything but cool to anyone?" He glared at the entire classroom. Ash was smiling. Eiji too. Cain was nodding, and Shorter was glancing to Lao, whose mouth hung open.

"Thank you," Yut-Lung said icily. "I have not nor have I ever slept with Sing, and I wouldn't, okay? I kissed him once. It was wrong of me. He didn't even kiss me back. The end." He flopped back into his seat, folding his arms.

That wasn't, strictly speaking, true. Sing gaped at Yut-Lung. _We didn't have another option._

"Ahem," Blanca said, entering the classroom. "Arthur, detention. And I'm mandating you go to a session with George."

"What?" Arthur yelped.

Sing was pretty sure counseling shouldn't be a punishment, but it didn't shock him Blanca didn't get that. And of course the man only spoke up once Yut-Lung did.

Sing turned to Yut-Lung. His chest felt like a jumble of emotions. _Thank you—why did you—you don't have to lie—your lips were warm—_

Yut-Lung met his gaze, and he smiled.

* * *

"You think Arthur will actually back down?" Eiji wondered as he and Ash walked back from working with Skip and Michael.

"I can only hope." Ash sighed. "Yut-Lung's probably right, though. I'm sure he's bitter he won't get a date for prom." Which was next month, and Jessica had just realized she and Max were both chaperoning and was bitterly complaining about it on the phone to, of all people, Max. Ash couldn't help but feel hopeful. They deserved to be happy, Max and Jessica.

" _She's what we call a tsundere," Eiji had joked._

"Will you?" Eiji asked. "I mean, I'm sure people will be lining up to go with you. All the girls in school."

"Yeah, because they see a pretty face." Ash waved his fingers over his green eyes, his cheekbones. "I don't know any of them. It's amazing how a loose reputation isn't talked about when you're somewhat masculine, unlike poor Yut-Lung."

Eiji winced. "That's really misogynist."

"Yeah," Ash said. "Jessica said that to me." He blew out his breath. "Fuckers." He slid his eyes to Eiji. "I bet Shorter could find you a girl, if you wanted to—"

Eiji's face turned bright red. "No, no, it's—fine. I don't want. And no, I haven't had any crushes on a girl here. Haven't had much time. Or much interest in anyone. In particular."

 _You are gay, aren't you?_ Ash kicked another pebble. The confirmation sent relief through him. "You know, we could go together. Just as friends. It's probably more fun to go with people."

Eiji's eyes lit up, the burning chocolate color Ash liked. "Yeah, okay! That'd be fun." He was beaming. More snow drifted to the ground. The forecast was predicting a blizzard, so bad Shorter was asking Eiji for the names of Japanese gods to pray for a snow day to.

"Great." Ash let out his breath. "Then we can laugh when Max asks Jessica to dance and she dumps grape juice on his head."

"She's no Arthur!" Eiji squeaked as they entered their dorm. White coated the ground, like a lacy coverlet over the frozen grass.

"Isn't she a what's-it-called, though?" Ash unlocked their dorm room door.

"A tsundere." Eiji laughed. "Yeah. She acts like she doesn't care and will call Max an idiot but she loves him."

"I wonder if they'll get married again," Ash said. He wanted it. Whether or not he could have a happy ending. Max deserved one. So did Jessica. "And why can't she just say she loves him?"

Eiji arched his eyebrows. A snort emerged.

"What?" Ash blinked.

"Would _you?"_ Eiji asked.

"Huh?" Ash scowled. He tossed his book bag onto his bed.

"You'd be a tsundere too," Eiji teased, still laughing.

"I would not!"

"Yes you would!"

Ash's mouth hung open. He felt called out, without being called out, because Eiji was too nice to do that, but still, he knew. Even if he still thought himself useless in some ways, he knew Ash. And it didn't feel as scary as he thought. He was suddenly underwater, warm.

But it didn't work that way. He had to break the surface first. Ash gulped. "Eiji?"

"Yeah?" Eiji stopped chortling, his cheeks still flushed pink.

" _Hold your breath," Griffin would say in Cape Cod. "Just duck under, quick, and it won't be cold anymore."_

Ash inhaled. "I wasn't asking you as just a friend."

Eiji froze.

"I was asking you out," Ash admitted. "If you want to—just go as friends, though, that'd be fine. I was just—I—" Steam must be rising off his face. He gulped. "I like you."

_I don't deserve a happy ending, but you do, and for even a grasp of happiness... with you..._

_You're good. You're so good. And you know. You're lonely, and I don't want you to be lonely. I want to protect you, because you deserve it. When I kissed you, you followed my lead, you didn't press, but you were good and I—didn't feel like I wanted to use mouthwash afterwards._

_You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. No, no—you're not a thing. You're Eiji._

_You don't have to be stronger. You don't have to be braver. You don't have to be more street smart. I just want you to be yourself._

_I love you. So I'll let you go. But first, dance with me._

Eiji's mouth broke into a smile. Oh shit, oh shit, he was speaking now. "I—like you too. Ash."

 _Huh_? And yet he'd already known it. _You mean it._

_Maybe you shouldn't, but you do._

"I'd like to go out with you," Eiji said.

"Thanks." Ash wasn't sure if that was the best thing to say. No, of course it wasn't. Shit, what did people say? "Eiji?"

Could he do this? Was he allowed? Even just for now? Just for the next few weeks? For the rest of the year, if he was lucky?

_Selfish._

Maybe, but he didn't want to breathe in the cold air again, not yet.

"Yeah?"

Ash reached out, his hand clasping Eiji's wrist. He stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Eiji, and Eiji's chest breathed against his. Ash wasn't sure if Eiji lifted his face first or if he dropped his, but their lips met, gently parting the other's. Ash pulled back, his forehead resting on Eiji's. Eiji tucked Ash's hair behind his ears and stood on tiptoe again, and this time Ash let him lead, let him part his mouth, let him show him how to kiss in his fumbling Eiji way. And despite all the hesitations and teeth clacking and too much spit, Ash remembered Yut-Lung's comment.

_This is what I want to remember as my first real kiss._

* * *

"My brothers want me to come to their place the day before prom," said Yut-Lung. "They probably have a client—"

"I'll give an exam," Blanca said. "And you'll help grade."

He nodded, relief surging through him. He stayed after his lessons with Sing whenever he needed to ask Blanca to help. And it still niggled in the back of his mind that Blanca would shake his head eventually, get sick of his neediness, toss him to the curb. Hearing what happened with Ash wasn't helping this fear.

_Why did you leave him? Will you leave me too, when I need you?_

"As long as I don't miss prom," Yut-Lung said, flipping his braid over his shoulder.

Blanca arched his eyebrows. "Is it wise for you to go?"

Yut-Lung glared. _Why can't I have fun? Am I too poisoned for that?_ "I'm not going with anyone." He noticed that stupid wine bottle on Blanca's desk today. Probably he had to meet with Wang-Lung or something and was proving Yut-Lung was telling the truth about the crumbs of information he was giving.

Blanca nodded, turning back to his computer.

"Ash is going with Eiji, though," Yut-Lung said.

Blanca's eyes narrowed. "Well, that's not wise."

"Why?"

"Because Eiji doesn't exist for Ash's salvation—"

"Let me guess," Yut-Lung interrupted. "You thought Natasha lived for your salvation. You saw her as your salvation, wrapped up in a person. And she died, somehow because of you. And instead of taking responsibility for you being stupid, you act like all of us are you. Eiji makes Ash happy." His chest ached. "Let him be happy." _Don't run in the end, Ash. Don't let yourself bleed out. Call out, and Eiji will come._

Blanca arched his eyebrows. "I thought you hated Eiji."

The implication of Blanca's words hit Yut-Lung. He glowered. "Well, he's not bad."

Blanca's eyes turned a darker blue, like midnight sky. "Yut-Lung, please tell me you're not getting involved—there's only so much I can do to protect you if you—"

Something snapped. Something broken.

_He did call, didn't he? And you didn't answer._

"Is that what you're like?" Yut-Lung demanded, voice shaking. "Abandoning Ash because there's nothing more you can do? No wonder you're a stagnant human being. Instead of figuring out how to grow, instead of setting the bar as _protecting Ash_ , you set it as _protecting yourself_ and _feeling good about yourself."_ His voice rose in pitch, frantic needles stabbing his throat. "It's not about Ash or me, is it? It's about _you!"_

_I really thought you might care._

_You don't. You don't care._

He clutched the edges of Blanca's desk. Blanca rose, reaching for him. He slapped his hand away. " _Don't!"_ _I don't want your fake sympathy, your cheap whore pity._

" _You're_ the whore," Yut-Lung managed.

"Huh?" Blanca's eyes widened.

"You're the one offering your feelings like they mean something, when really you're just using them to feel better about yourself, to help yourself, to make yourself go on, to give yourself a shred of hope you know is fake. You sell your feelings and your brains and your soul for the chance to protect Ash and now me, but you won't actually get close enough to make anything real! You're a coward and you're a—a feelings whore!"

Blanca arched his eyebrows. "Yut-Lung, that's not a thing."

"It is, and it's you." Yut-Lung glared at him.

"What do you want from me, Yut-Lung?" Blanca asked. "I still plan on talking to your brothers, so don't think that's off the table, but—"

"I want—" He swallowed. "I don't want you to leave."

_Help me!_

"I can't promise that."

"Then I don't want your help at all!" Yut-Lung hesitated, and then spotted the green wine bottle, the one with the date and Natasha's name on it. He snatched it up and hurled it at the floor. It smashed, shattering into shards that shot across the room. Green slips of slick glass sliced into Yut-Lung's pants. Blood red wine bled into the wood.

Blanca gaped.

 _Now you're not going to help me at all, are you_?

Yut-Lung took a step back. Glass crunched under his shoe. He wanted to apologize, but words—words were flimsy.

He ran. He ran past Arthur, talking to, of all people, Lao—and into his dorm.

"Disaster?" asked Sing from where he sat on Shorter's bed. "Shorter's in the bathroom."

"I'm fine." Yut-Lung scowled. He kept seeing the wine, splattered like blood, and wanted to bash his head into the wall. "Your brother was talking to Arthur, so I'm sure he's threatening him. FYI."

"Motherfucker." Sing gripped his forehead. "But Yut-Lung, you don't look okay."

He wrung his hands. "I just blew things with Blanca. He'll never want to help me now, and my brother wants to see me the night before prom, and—"

"Blanca's not your only hope, you know," Sing pointed out. "I'm here. So is Shorter. And Ash and Eiji. Our whole dorm is gonna get sick."

 _You?_ Yut-Lung gaped at him. His eyes filled with tears.

_Call out._

His mother cried, and no one came. He was crying in the courtyard that night, and Sing heard him and left, sitting with him in the cold.

Sing snorted. "Don't look so surprised. We're all helping Ash; of course we'd want to help you, too."

Yut-Lung gulped. "I'm not Ash, though. I wish I was." He plopped down on his bed.

"Why?"

He tried to talk. He tried to ask. "Because he's smart and everyone likes him and he's resourceful and—"

"So are you?" Sing blinked at him. "You're just different about it. You're like, internalizing it all, and Ash is acting out. But you're both just as intelligent and capable—"

Yut-Lung's face flushed. "Really?"

Sing nodded, leaning forward. "But at least this explains why you hated Eiji so much."

"Huh?" Yut-Lung frowned. "Why so?"

"You had a crush on Ash."

 _Fuck this; I'll drown!_ "I did not!" screeched Yut-Lung.

"You did! You don't even acknowledge it but you so did, you—"

"I didn't! I hate—"

"Two sides of the same coin," Sing teased.

Yut-Lung hurled his pillow at Sing. His face felt scalded. "I do not love him!" _Do I? Did I have a crush on him?_

Okay, he definitely thought about Ash when he woke up in the morning, anticipated meeting him last year because he'd heard of him, heard about this boy who had been through what he had been through, who could be upfront about his disgust. He felt not alone.

In truth, nowadays he woke up more thinking about Sing than Ash, or Shorter.

"I said a crush, not love—"

"But someone like me can't have crushes, much less love," Yut-Lung interrupted. His shoulders slumped.

"Huh?" Sing frowned, clutching his pillow. "Didn't you have a crush on Shorter?"

"I mean, I don't really know." Yut-Lung shifted back on his bed. He grasped one of his dozens of other pillows and hugged it to his chest.

"You can love people, Yut-Lung," Sing said quietly. "You have friends. You're not broken, and you're not bad for people. We all like you. You're just hurt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! There won't be an update tomorrow but I plan to update again on Sunday :)


	13. Cinderella

"Talking with that slut?" Lao greeted Sing when he returned to their dorm room.

"Can't you give it a rest, Lao?" complained Sing, his memories swimming with Yut-Lung's admissions of what his brothers made him do.

"It's true." He scowled as Sing pushed past him.

Sing whirled around. "You know what? No. I'm done. Don't call Yut-Lung anything like 'slut' or 'ho' or 'easy' or anything ever again or I'm requesting a new roommate. I don't give a damn that you're my brother."  _You know jack shit about what you're talking about!_

Lao flinched. "So you'd choose him over me?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sing bellowed. He kicked the bed. His toe stung. "Ow!"

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with  _you?_ " Lao retorted. "He's a piece of—"

"I warned you and I mean it!" Sing jabbed his finger in his brother's face. His throat ached. "Don't make me do it, Lao, please. I'm begging you. Don't make me do it. You're my brother."  _And you're acting like Arthur._

 _Oh, that reminds me._ His eyes stung.

"'Piece of shit' wasn't in the stipulations," Lao offered.

In spite of himself Sing snorted. Lao almost smiled.

_Why can't it be like this? What are you so afraid of? Why can't we laugh and joke and be stupid together? Why are you pulling away from me more than I am from you?_

"Why were you talking to Arthur?" Sing asked.

Lao winced. "Oh."

Sing arched his eyebrows.

"He came to talk to me. And tell me something." Lao drew in his breath. "Sing, I—I'll try to do this without—it's not good."

Sing had no idea what Lao was talking about. "Huh?"

"Take a seat?"

Sing rolled his eyes, but he obeyed. The lump stayed in his throat, however, thick and unmoving, heavy and rough.

Lao sat on the bed across from him. "Arthur told me that—Yut-Lung Lee—has an STD. He—I'm not using those words, but—"

Sing's eyes popped. "How the fuck does Arthur know?" Fear shot through him, tingling and sparking in his fingertips.

Lao shrugged. "I mean, I don't know if it's true, but it's not hard to imagine it is. And if so, can't you see why I don't want you hanging out with—"

"Why?" Sing demanded. "No, Lao, I can't see. People with STDs are still people, and his is cured!" Yut-Lung had a doctor's appointment to make sure it was gone next month. "It's not even that uncommon in America anymore because of our piss-poor sex ed, you know!" Which Blanca, as their sex ed teacher, wasn't helping.

_Shit. Arthur must've heard us talking about the appointment._

"What?" Lao stiffened.

 _Oh for fuck's sake!_  Sing's stomach clenched like he was going to be sick. "Don't you dare repeat that!"

"You— _knew?"_ Lao managed, his face turning as red as his vest.

"Yes, Lao, I knew!" Sing shouted, getting to his feet. "He's my friend! We tell each other things!"

"Are you—"

"Sleeping with him? I'm not, but if I was, it wouldn't be your fucking business!" Sing glared. "He's—a good person! He's my friend! He's kind, and he cares a lot—you have no idea how much he cares, or what he's been through, and you're not interested in that, are you? You're only interested in what benefits you! It's all about you, you, you!"

"I've never thought of myself!" Lao screamed, leaping up, face so close to Sing's that spittle flecked Sing's cheeks. "I'm always thinking of—" He stopped.

Sing recoiled. Lao's words slammed into his chest, cold rocks weighing him down. "Me."

_You resent me, don't you?_

"I didn't mean—"

"No," Sing said, shaking. "I think you did." He grabbed his bag, stuffing clothes in it. "I'm staying in Cain's room." Even Lao wouldn't break into Cain's room.

"Sing, I—"

"Maybe you should think of yourself a little more, then," Sing said, back turned to Lao.

" _I didn't mean it!"_ Lao screeched.

"Yes, you did. You feel entitled to my time and devotion, because you have no other life."

"That's not  _true!"_

"You're a liar, Lao, and you always have been." Sing stomped through the bathroom, pushing Cain's door open. He kept his head down so Lao wouldn't see the tears streaming down his face.

"Heard y'all screaming at each other," Cain said, locking the door behind Sing. His hand landed on Sing's shoulder. "You all right?"

Sing shook his head.

"Sorry." Cain sighed. Sing typed a text to Yut-Lung, who had apparently heard the fight though not the words, telling him the basics.  _You need to be careful._

 _So it's going to get out,_ Yut-Lung responded.  _Great._

_I'll stick with you._

And instead of accepting his words, Yut-Lung chose to comfort  _him: You're not a burden to anyone, Sing._

Sing cried himself to sleep on Cain's floor. He woke the next morning with his heart racing. The image he'd seen in his mind of Yut-Lung, hair dangling loose down a bare back, faded from his mind.

_What the fuck?_

He rolled over. Morning wood. Dumb dreams. He bit down on his wrist.

Of course, before he and Cain could get up, someone pounded on the door. It was barely six. "It's me!"

Shorter. What the hell.

"Is he safe to let in?" Cain mumbled.

"Is he gonna be safe for waking you up?" Sing asked.

Cain snorted. He unlocked the door. Shorter slipped inside. He was still in his sweatpants and t-shirt, mohawk falling over. "I heard. Yut-Lung told me, and then Lao came over crying."

"He can save his tears. He'll never be happy," Sing said. "No matter what I do. He won't be happy, because he can't control or protect me."

"Yeah, well, that's obvious." Shorter blew out his breath, dropping into Cain's desk chair. Cain rubbed his eyes. "Wish we could go back to those days where the three of us were running around Chinatown."

"Nadia would make us soup dumplings when we had a cold," Sing said.

Shorter smiled. Sing swallowed.

_We can't go back._

And even then, he was tiny, and Lao would worry about him, teach him how to defend himself.  _Were we ever okay? Or was I a burden to you even then?_

"Can I ask you something?" Shorter asked, ruffling his mohawk.

"Sure."

"What  _is_  going on between you and Yut-Lung?"

Sing's face reddened, his dream clouding his vision. "Nothing! Nothing is going on."

Cain snorted.

"What?"

"You're too adamant."

"Your face is turning red," Cain reported.

 _Stop!_  "Seriously, nothing is—"

"But. Do you want it to?" Shorter asked, leaning sideways on the desk and wiggling his eyebrows. "I mean—"

"You're the one who slept with him!"

"Yeah, but we're cool now," Shorter said with a shrug. "I wouldn't mind. You're both cool."

Sing swallowed. If he were to tell Yut-Lung… "I don't want him to think I'm interested in him because of—of—"  _His reputation. His body. He still thinks that's all he is, sometimes._

_I guess I do have a crush on him._

_Goddammit._

"I know it," Cain said.

Shorter snorted.

"Ask him to dance at prom," said Cain. "It's a pretty easy way to check whether or not he's interested."

"Good idea." Shorter gave Cain an air high-five. "Also, don't worry, Sing, my lips are sealed."

"Why does it have to be so complicated?" Sing complained. "I want him to know I like him not because of how attractive—but I also like how attractive he is—"

"Ask Ash and Eiji for advice," joked Shorter.

"Was it really just a kiss?" asked Cain.

"Yeah, but I did kiss him back. Yut-Lung lied about that." Sing snorted. "And I had this dream—"

"A sex dream about Yut-Lung?" Shorter cackled, and then covered his mouth. "Sorry, I don't want Lao to overhear."

"That's just it," said Sing. "Lao will be pissed at me. And he's an asshole, but I love him. Then again, maybe he doesn't love me."  _He loves the idea of me._

"Up to you," Shorter said with a shrug.

"I really do like Yut-Lung," Sing admitted.

_He's always seen me._

_You have a crush on Ash. No, Shorter. No, Cain. Maybe Eiji._

_I'm gay._

_And I like him not because he's like Ash or like me or strong or smart or beautiful. I like that he actually sees me. And he lets me see him._

_You're not diseased, Yut-Lung._

_When I talk to you, I almost feel like I'm healing, too._

* * *

Sing tentatively returned to living with Lao, but he told Yut-Lung they were barely talking. "I can't forget that he said that."

"I understand." Yut-Lung didn't want to press him.  _He shouldn't be hurting you like that._

Weeks slipped by, and prom and spring drew closer and finding information for his brothers slipped farther away. Blanca, shockingly, was still helping him, but they were otherwise like Lao and Sing, barely talking. And Yut-Lung was not going to apologize for what he'd said.

Prom arrived, and Yut-Lung pinned his braids with the purple jade clasps he'd bought. He remembered his mother wearing something like it, once. Probably a gift from his father. And he preferred traditional Chinese outfits over suits, though he had tried several on and demanded Shorter help him choose what looked best before he realized Shorter was the one who wore a winter vest over an untucked orange XXL shirt and so wouldn't have a relevant opinion.

A text popped up in his phone.

_Can I talk to you? -Lao_

Yut-Lung's jaw fell open.  _Why?_  he responded.

_About Sing. Don't worry, I'm not going to beat you up._

That was not reassuring. Yut-Lung rolled his eyes. Still, he hated seeing Sing in pain. And Sing was suffering. If he could help at all…  _Okay,_ he replied.

_Meet me at the library? You're not going to prom with anyone, right?_

He wasn't. Yut-Lung rolled his eyes. "See you there," he said to Shorter, sweeping out of the room. All across campus, juniors and seniors tottered around in high-heels, lipstick smeared on their faces, ties too tight clenched around their necks.

He pushed the door to the library open. It would be closing early. Lao waved from where he lounged in an ugly overstuffed pumpkin-hued armchair. He jerked his head as if to suggest they go up the stairs to avoid the eager eavesdropping ears of the librarian.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Yut-Lung finally asked when they were on the third floor. He folded his arms as Lao ducked into one of the side rooms, lined with children's fairytales. Yut-Lung had never liked fairytales. His brothers used to always read him western ones about monstrous dragons, but they always got killed in the end, after killing lots of people.

"What is going on between you and my brother?"

Again? For real? Yut-Lung threw his hands up in the air. "Nothing!"

"Well, I heard him talking to Shorter about asking you out!"

_Me?_

_Sing?_

_Asking me?_

Yut-Lung's jaw fell open. His hands shook. Something screaming the word  _worthless_  emerged from deep in his brain, trying to drag him back, suffocate him. "You're making that up." His eyes stung.

 _If it was real... I'd be happy._ No, it was stupid of him to hope. He had an STD already. His mother forgot him and was probably dead. He was a lost cause. Sing was not. Sing was alive, and Sing was joy.

"I'm not! He was going to ask you to dance tonight, and I—I can't let that happen! I haven't forgotten what you did to Shorter! I can't let that happen to Sing, let you use him and then treat him like he's some kind of object for Arthur and the others to pick on—"

No, no, he had to shield himself. "What are you talking about? You're bloody insane!" Yut-Lung turned. "I thought you were going to mend things with your brother, not—this is exactly why Sing hates you! Your—"

"He hates me?" Lao blanched. "He does not! You—you might've given Shorter an STD and—"

"I told him, and he was tested, and it was negative!" Shame clamped itself around Yut-Lung's midsection. Fuck, this wasn't how he wanted his prom to go! It was supposed to be fun. He was supposed to smile and laugh and he had  _friends_  now. Friends. Not—not— "Not all of us are just out for ourselves!"

"Sorry," Lao said, and then he sent his foot into Yut-Lung's abdomen. He gagged. And when he yanked himself back to his feet, he heard the door's lock clicking.

_What the fuck?_

"Hey!" Yut-Lung bellowed, yanking on the door handle. " _Hey!"_

He felt in his pockets. No phone.  _Lao, you—_

"Let me out!" he shouted, banging his fist on the door.  _Lao, are you insane? You must be fucking certifiable!_

_Sing…_

Lao had to be making that up, right? Sing wasn't really interested in him. There was no way. And asking him to dance—of course Yut-Lung planned to dance, it didn't mean Sing  _liked_  him. And Sing wouldn't like him, not like that.

Of course, he wasn't going to get to find out. He wasn't going to get to be a normal teenager, even just for one night. No, he had to be reminded the one night he was looking forward to that he was polluted, that he wasn't good enough, that he was a corrupt piece of trash. He wanted to cry, but he didn't want to ruin his makeup.

_Why not? No one will see it._

Yut-Lung kicked the door in frustration.  _How can you overhear the dumbest conversations but not me banging and yelling, you useless librarian?_

_Sing likes you._

_He doesn't. He couldn't. I wouldn't._

But he wanted it to be true. He wanted Sing's joy. He was a greedy goblin, ready to gobble Sing's life and snark and laughter up, if only because he offered hints of it to Yut-Lung. He was so damn selfish. And yet. And yet.

Another click. Yut-Lung's head snapped up.

Blanca stood there.

"The hell are you doing here?" Yut-Lung cried out.

"I had someone mention a missing student." Blanca shrugged. "It doesn't take long to check the school's security cameras."

"It wasn't my brothers."

"I know."

"So you care about something other than them fucking me after all?" Yut-Lung swept past Blanca. His shield was starting to weigh his arms down. He had trouble carrying it. His voice wavered.

Blanca just stared after him. Yut-Lung made his way to the prom with its flashing purple and blue lights, shining silver streamers dangling, everyone laughing as some danced and some crowded around the punch bowl. He scowled when he saw Golzine there, talking to Foxx.

"Yut-Lung!" Eiji raced over to him, Ash behind him. "We were worried!"

 _You sent Blanca after me_? Yut-Lung bit his lip. "I'll tell you later." He didn't want to spoil everyone's night. Not when his pain seeped into every aspect of his life already.

"Yut-Lung!" Sing charged towards him, a huge smile on his face. A smile. A real smile, bright and big. "Want to dance?"

_I can't carry it anymore._

_Can I set it down, just for now?_

"Okay," he whispered.

* * *

When Yut-Lung and Lao were the only two from their dorm who didn't show as they all gathered to leave, Eiji started to worry.

"Is Lao even going?" Ash wondered. His hair was slicked back, and Golzine had sent him a jade earring he had been ordered to wear. Eiji hated that. He hated that Ash was being forced to do anything, even just wear jewelry.

_You're beautiful without it._

"I don't know." Eiji bit his lip.

"Lao's coming," Arthur said, adjusting his tux. He cocked his head, smirking. "Yut-Lung might not be, though."

Shorter's eyes narrowed. Sing was talking to Cain, and clearly hadn't heard, though he was looking around for Yut-Lung with a furrowed brow.

"Okay, asshole," said Ash. "What do you know?"

Arthur whistled, sauntering into the hall.

"What do we do?" Eiji whispered.

"He wants to ruin everything," Ash said. "Like the greedy bitch he is."

Shorter cracked his knuckles. "Want me to make him talk? Or Lao?" His eyes flashed. "I really don't know what the hell is wrong with him this year—it's like he's completely—"

"I have a better idea," Eiji said.

"Oh?" Ash turned to him, arching his eyebrows. His hand was warm in Eiji's.

Eiji jerked his head towards where the chaperones were. Max was teasing Jessica, who looked like a model in her deep purple dress, golden hair cascading down her back. And Blanca leaned against the wall, clad in a white suit and looking as if he was at his own funeral.

"I see," Ash stated.

"I'll go with you," said Eiji.

"Okay." Ash squared his shoulders. He glanced around them, gulping. Golzine's eyes latched onto them as they headed towards Blanca. "Yut-Lung's missing."

Blanca looked at Ash, his expression inscrutable.

"We know you're helping him," explained Eiji. "And we were just—"

Blanca pressed his lips into a thin line.

"Lao did something to him," Ash said. "And you should find him. Unless you really plan on just telling him he doesn't deserve a normal life or any happiness. Isn't that what you do, after all? Going to tell me I don't deserve any of this, that this is the best I can hope for, with Dino looking over my shoulder all of my days, and I'm selfish for dragging Eiji into this?"

"I make my own decisions," Eiji said quietly.

"You're no different," Ash said, voice shaking. "You're just as much a coward desperately afraid of being alone, of being the only you in the world, so you want me and Yut-Lung to end up exactly like you." He turned on his heel, pulling Eiji away with him.

 _Damn_. Eiji blinked.

Blanca turned up with Yut-Lung within fifteen minutes, and Sing's face lit up. Eiji smiled, his arms around Ash's waist as they danced together. "Good."

"Hooray," Ash said, blowing his breath out.

_You really want everyone to have a happy ending._

_Or at least a chance for one._

_I'm still worried you don't see one for yourself._

Eiji excused himself to go to the restroom about halfway through the night. As he washed his hands, he heard footsteps and glanced up into the mirror.

_Oh, no, please._

Arthur stood there, arms folded and chest out, like he was asserting his dominance. But no. Eiji squared his shoulders instead of allowing them to hunch together. He ignored Arthur, reaching for the paper towels.

"Gonna say anything?" Arthur asked as Eiji reached for the door handle.

"There's nothing to say," Eiji answered, heart thumping.

"I say there is."

"Then say it." He closed his eyes. "What are you going to do? Lock me in here or in a closet? Whatever you did to Yut-Lung—"

"I didn't do anything. Just told his brother that Yut-Lung had syphilis. And I don't think the odds look too good for Shorter. Of course, I have to wonder. Is Ash any better off? You might want to get checked too, you know, since the two of you keep holding hands—"

Eiji whirled around. "Keep your mouth shut!"

"Oh, is that an admission?"

"No," Eiji spat out. "It's not. But Yut-Lung's life is none of your business. Neither is Shorter's. Neither is Ash's, and neither is mine!"

"Ash—"

"Is a good person," Eiji said. "You want to know why people like him instead of you? Because for all the pain he's been through, for all the scars and the cracks, he hasn't given up. He still fights. You don't fight. You don't have anyone you care about and so there is no one who cares about you. Ash loves. He loves all of his friends, he loves our dorm parent, he loves those kids he tutors, he loves—"  _Me_. "You don't even want to care about anyone. You want to trample on everyone because it makes you feel powerful, and you hate Ash because he's everything you're not and never will be!"

"Ash is a murderer—"

"I know," Eiji stated. Arthur's muddy green eyes widened. "And I don't want Ash to have to hide any part of himself, because there's nothing he could do to make me see him as anything less than the person I see him as. The way you chase after Golzine like a dog is sickening, Arthur. But you still won't make it. Because the only way to assure yourself that you matter isn't going to be through power. Ash at least understands that. And he's honest. He's too hard on himself. I wish—I wish—"

"Your magical healing cock could—"

"Stop it!" Eiji shouted. His face was burning, and words kept sticking to his throat, but he kept forcing them out. He had to. He had to. He couldn't let this disgusting lie sling carelessly through the air, the words that Ash would never directly hear but heard all the time, heard every hour of every day, the words that lashed him like a whip, the words Eiji saw written in Ash's eyes when he woke in the middle of the night, gasping from a nightmare. "I'm not sleeping with him, and if I was, I—that wouldn't be it! I can't heal him, but I know he can be healed! I don't care about any of that, I care about his past because it hurts him, and I don't think anyone should bear that burden alone! What hurts him hurts me, and what hurts me hurts him, and he's—he's one of the best people I've ever met. He would do anything for his loved ones, but he doesn't have to, because we love him anyways. He only ever wanted to—live and I—he's my inspiration. If I could be like him someday, I'd be thrilled. No one will want to be like you, Arthur. No one will admire you. You'll die alone and forgotten!"

Arthur gaped at him.

"Enjoy getting drunk," Eiji said. Stumbling out of the restroom, he shook his head. Yut-Lung must be rubbing off him, or—

Ash gaped at him from across the hall from the bathroom. Eiji froze.

_You heard all of that._


	14. A Second Life

Ash's bones felt made of air. He didn't know whether he could form complete thoughts. He gaped at Eiji.

_You—what—to Arthur—_

Eiji's face flushed. "Well, you did ask me out."

_I did._

_And you said yes, and still I—_

_You really feel that way about me? Why? I would've thought I'd brought you nothing but—and you—you meant it—_

_I trust you._

Ash found himself back out on the dance floor, words churning through his mind, all the accusations lobbed at him, the labels he'd dug out of the trash and plastered to himself, the words creeping from the closets in his mind when he looked at himself in the mirror late at night, a nightmare's trembles still rattling his bones.

Eiji was an angel. No, Eiji was a person. Holding him, and they were dancing. Ash lowered his chin to Eiji's shoulder, holding him.

_Thank you._

He felt human himself this night, breath filling his lungs, a pulse beating in his wrist and neck, sweat prickling the back of his neck, palms clutching Eiji's shoulder and waist as they turned and turned. _You_.

"He probably won't give up," Eiji mumbled.

"No," Ash said. "But I don't want to think about that right now."

Eiji smiled.

Ash spotted Max and Jessica dancing then, other students like Shorter and Cain hooting at them. Kong and Bones were making their best attempt at dancing, but Bones kept stumbling while Alex laughed at them. Yut-Lung was trying to teaching Sing some steps, giggling, his face flushed and braids sticking to his neck. And Max looked over his shoulder, met Ash's eyes, and he nodded, and he smiled too. Ash knew Dino was watching, but he couldn't feel his eyes, not here. He pressed his lips to Eiji's forehead. _I love you._

_If I matter for you, then I matter, right? Because you do._

Back in their dorm room, Eiji was laughing still, glowing. And that glow pulled Ash in. Eiji stopped when he saw the look on Ash's face.

"Do you want to kiss?" Ash asked.

Eiji pulled Ash's face down towards him, lips meeting. They sat on Eiji's bed, Ash guiding Eiji, their mouths warm and grasping, Eiji's thumb on Ash's jaw. The kissing slowed, deep and searching. Ash kept his grasp of Eiji loose, and yet Eiji didn't pull back.

_You really meant it._

He pulled back, forehead resting against Eiji's. Eiji closed his eyes. Both of them content, holding each other. And something curled inside of him, something burning and different than anything he'd felt before, like a whirlwind pulling him into a dizzying flight, navel first. He shifted and realized. He didn't have to, he wasn't being forced, he was free, and he was on fire.

_I really love you._

His hand moved then, to Eiji's chest. Eiji sucked in his breath.

"What do you want to do?" Ash asked.

Eiji swallowed. "You don't have to prove anything, Ash." He was worried. Still, Ash could see even behind his pants that Eiji was hard.

 _Don't have to prove anything._ Because it wouldn't heal him, and Eiji wasn't a tool, and doing things on his own, his own choices, still wasn't going to fix any of the bruises or scrapes that marred him in the past.

_But you don't see the wounds. No, you do. But they don't scare you._

_I'm bleeding and I want to heal, but—_

_Either way, you'll be with me, won't you? Or am I forcing you to—_

_No. You said it yourself. You want to stay with me. You want to know me. And I really want to know you._

There was never going to be a perfect time. Not for him. His baggage was always going to be there.

But it seemed bearable right now.

Sex wasn't going to cure him. It didn't have to make his life better, or worse.

_I want to do it with you._

"I know," Ash said softly. "But we could—try."

"If you get scared," Eiji said. "Or if something doesn't feel right, you can stop it, and I'll stop."

"Same to you." Ash smirked. He pushed his hair back. "I do have condoms."

Eiji nodded. "Do you want to be on top? You'll have more control—"

"No," Ash said. "I mean, maybe some other time, but—I think—" He did not want to risk hurting Eiji. But he trusted Eiji not to hurt him. _Can we work on that? Even if it's not perfect?_

_Am I—_

Eiji stood as he grabbed the box of condoms. His hand landed on Ash's shoulder.

_You trust me, too._

_Then this will be right. Because it's you._

Their lips met again before clothes started coming off. And then they were both completely naked, arms around each other as they sat on Eiji's bed. Not the bed where Ash had nightmares.

_This is me._

Was he ready? He didn't know. Eiji leaned in again, their lips meeting wet, and Ash lowered himself back, pulling Eiji on top of him, his mind drilling through _shoulds_. But Eiji just stared down at him, cupping his hands around Ash's face, kissing him, and Ash kissed him back. The anxiety pebbling in his back melted, slowly dripping away with each kiss. He moved down Eiji's chest. Sliding his hands. "Nice abs."

"Pole vaulting," Eiji admitted. His face actually turned red. Even though he was sitting on top of Ash, nude. Ash noticing his abs was what made him blush.

Ash laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing." Ash trailed his fingers down Eiji's abdomen. He wanted to kiss each one of them. Because they were part of Eiji, something Eiji had worked for.

"I really don't want to hurt you," Eiji said. "If it does hurt—I—please tell me, Ash. I won't enjoy it if you're—"

"I know," Ash said. "I'll tell you, Eiji. I promise." _Together, right? We'll do this together._

"Do you want me to use my hands? For you?"

"Yeah," Ash said. "Go ahead."

When Eiji pushed in, Ash let out his breath. Eiji paused, looking down at him, and Ash pulled his face down to kiss him again. _I like kissing you._ Eiji was a gentle kisser, no frenetic jamming, just soft. He could feel memories pressing in, but when he tasted Eiji, they were muffled.

Ash moved his hips first, Eiji following. They were both—together—and all the times he used to lie back and let someone else—Eiji wanted him to be a part of this too. Eiji giggled.

"What?"

"I was just thinking—is this really happening?"

"Well, no, you're not moving at all," Ash teased, and Eiji laughed for real this time, and he did too.

 _This is real. You are real. I am real_. Sweat stuck their chests together as they moved. Ash buried his face in Eiji's shoulder, kissing his skin, tasting him. And when they came, Eiji let out an involuntary sound, and Ash, used to faking noises, made no sound at all, but he didn't have to, because what was rushing through him was more than just some kind of ecstasy, like sparks pricking his torso and arms and legs, but a sense of security. Eiji looked down at him, hair mussed and hanging over his forehead, undignified, and Ash clutched him, pulling him close.

"Was—okay?" Eiji pantd.

"Yeah," Ash whispered. "I liked it." His eyes stung. "It felt—good." But that wasn't entirely it. It felt good because— _it was you_. Awkward and fumbling. He didn't have to hide any part of himself. He could be awkward too. "I'd do it again."

Eiji snorted.

He fell asleep, his head on Ash's chest, and Ash stayed curled up in his arms. He couldn't sleep for almost an hour, but that was okay, because he'd seldom felt so relaxed.

* * *

Eiji woke with Ash's arms around him. Ash was snoring. Eiji smirked. Ash wasn't gonna wake up until noon, probably. He stroked Ash's hair.

_I had sex with him._

_I loved it._

His phone buzzed. Eiji winced as he reached for it. Ibe. Asking him to meet for breakfast. Another text lingered on his phone, from Keiko. She wanted to know how prom had gone. He'd text her back later; she'd want details instead of a simple "good." Not that he was going to give her all the details. What happened between Ash and him was for them alone.

Eiji eased himself out of bed, wrapping the blankets around Ash, who barely stirred. He sent a quick text to him.

_Ibe wants to meet for breakfast. Sleep well. I'll probably be back before you wake up anyways. And I'm happy about last night._

He showered and dressed quickly. He wondered what Sing was going to do about Lao and his antics last night. And then he dismissed those thoughts. He still felt as if there was something iridescent glowing inside him.

He met Ibe in the mostly-empty cafeteria, trying not to skip.

"You look happy," Ibe observed.

 _Ibe, I'm having sex._ Nope. He was not saying a word. It was private. Eiji got a plate of eggs from Nadia, who greeted him in a cheerful voice, and sat down.

"Max sent pictures," Ibe said. "You and Ash looked like you were having fun."

Eiji nodded. "We were." He let out his breath. "Arthur tried to be rude, but I told him to leave Ash alone."

Ibe sipped his tea. "I'm proud of you, then."

 _Really?_ Eiji's eyes widened. "Thanks." _Even though I've been fairly—not obedient this year?_

"Welcome." Ibe sighed.

"Ibe-san," Eiji said. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Ei-chan. Is something—"

"Why do you care so much?" Eiji clamped his hand over his mouth. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant—I—" He wanted to know.

Ibe shook his head. "It's okay. I know what you meant." He rested his chin on his fist. "I know how you felt—I couldn't get a break when I started photography. I worked and I worked, and I still wasn't getting anywhere, and I lost—my passion almost. I forgot what I was even working for. And then I remember taking that job covering for the track meet, and that shot—I suppose I felt grateful to you."

Eiji swallowed. "You don't owe me, Ibe-san."

"I don't." Ibe met his gaze. "I just wanted to help you, because I saw that look in your eyes, that same haunted—you want to fly. You want to be free, to live, really, and it's been—a joy seeing that light come back into your eyes here at this school. Ash is good for you."

Eiji's cheeks flushed. "He is."

"Good." Ibe drank more of his tea.

 _You really just—care. And you notice. Thank you_.

Ibe's brow furrowed.

"What's wrong?" Eiji asked, frowning.

"Nothing really. Akira called me again. It seems her dad screamed at her again, and she's been sick the entire week afterwards, so my sister asked me if she could call me." Ibe almost smiled.

 _This is your light. When you're helping lost kids. You're good at this, Ibe-san_.

"It's sad that she can't be herself for her father," said Eiji. "Just because she's a girl. And no matter what she does, it won't be enough for him." He knew. Ash knew, too.

"I think you know what that feels like, in more ways than one." Ibe sighed.

 _You knew that I was gay before I met Ash, didn't you?_ _You knew I wouldn't want to disappoint my parents. You saw that no matter how hard I worked at school, no matter how many medals I won, it was never going to make them see me. And it wasn't their fault, not like it is with Akira's father._

"Are you going to bring her here?" asked Eiji.

"I might." Ibe rubbed his forehead. "For next year. I can arrange an interview, at least. But until then…"

"Could I ask a favor?" Eiji asked.

"Of course."

"Could you get an interview for Keiko, too?"

Ibe blinked.

"She's really miserable," Eiji said. "She wants to know what I'm doing constantly. If I'm here, I can tell my parents I'll look after her. And I will. But she's suffering too, even if I didn't pay very much attention when I lived there."

Ibe smiled again. He nodded.

"Thanks."

"And again, I'm proud of you."

Eiji shook his head. Now he was embarrassed.

"Eiji," Ibe said. "I wanted to talk to you not just about that, but about our—investigation. Max, Jessica, and I have hit a dead end when it comes to Griffin."

Eiji swallowed his eggs.

"I know Jessica told Ash this at the beginning of the semester, in a sense, but we're not focusing on Griffin as much anymore. It'd be great to find out what happened. I can't imagine not knowing, if I was in Max's shoes—but the priority for us now is stopping him from hurting anyone else. Any more kids. Please can you trust us in this? If we need you, we'll ask, but until then—can you tell Ash, and I know you've got Yut-Lung with you too, to let us do most of the work?"

Eiji wondered. Ash had seemed—better lately, less obsessed, but still. "He'll want to be somewhat involved."

"Will he settle for being informed instead of involved?"

"Max should ask him," Eiji said, remembering the way Ash looked at him, eyes green and soft. "But he might."

* * *

"I don't have time to talk to you," Yut-Lung stated when Hua-Lung approached him. He didn't want to hear what the man had to say. In all likelihood he'd heard about Yut-Lung dancing with Sing, who had gone to Max the morning after prom and asked to room with Cain instead of with Lao. Now Lao had a single room and just glared at all of them, and he only spoke to Shorter.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Yut-Lung had eked out as they headed back from prom. "I'm not—he just wants to protect you. It's so different than my brothers."

"He's still hurting me," Sing had replied bitterly, and Yut-Lung could only nod.

 _Hurting you by hurting me._ Yut-Lung could hardly bring himself to understand why Sing liked him. But he did.

"I think you do," Hua-Lung retorted.

"I don't. I have an appointment to get a blood test and make sure that syphilis is gone. You know, the disease one of the clients you made me sleep with gave to me. Since you told me I had to always make them happy and not all of them would listen to you about condoms!" Yut-Lung glared, voicebox aching as he tried to keep it quiet. "Want me to scream it? I will."

"Don't you dare threaten—"

_My whole life, you told me I was unlovable. You told me I was the disease, because of my mother._

_I don't believe you anymore._

_I think she'd be proud of that._

"She's gone, isn't she?" Yut-Lung asked. "It won't work. Not anymore. Your threats."

Hua-Lung paled, and it hit Yut-Lung. _She is gone._

_She's dead, isn't she?_

If she wasn't, she might as well be.

"Where are you even going?" Hua-Lung continued. "That hack, Meredith? You know he was fired from the hospital he worked in, and that's the reason he works in the back alleys—"

"No, he quit because—"

"What? He has a conscience?"

Yut-Lung yanked his arm. "Let go of me!"

"Let go of him," came Shorter's voice. He folded his arms, appearing in the hallway.

Hua-Lung's eyes flashed. "Your sister—"

"Has—"

"Oh, shut up," said Yut-Lung. "Keep threatening Nadia Wong and I'll leak your sex tape. With me." His brother's grip slackened enough that he was able to jerk away, storming with Shorter past a gaping Foxx. Let Hua-Lung deal with that one. Not that Yut-Lung suspected Foxx was any better of a person. He creeped him out.

"You okay?" Shorter asked.

Yut-Lung nodded, rubbing his arm. "Have you talked to Lao at all?"

"Yeah, earlier today. He's kinda desperate to reconcile with Sing."

"I feel guilty," Yut-Lung admitted. He looked up at Shorter. "First I—I caused you trouble, and now Sing—"

"This isn't your fault," Shorter said. "Lao—he loves Sing deeply, but he's also insecure as fuck. He thinks it's all on him to protect his brother." He bit his lip, twisting his eyebrow piercing. "I wonder if that's how Nadia feels sometimes. Though she'd never do anything like that."

Yut-Lung swallowed. "She wants what's best for you, Shorter. Not what's best for her."

Shorter smirked. "I know. By the way, you and Sing? I like it." He flashed Yut-Lung a grin.

"Hey!"

He met Sing and walked over to the clinic. They would call him with the results.

"I'm sure you're fine," Sing assured him.

Yut-Lung ransacked his mind. He wasn't worried about that. No, what concerned him was what his brother had said, and his own threat. He wasn't sure he still had access to those kinds of tapes, but if—if he leaked them before Dino Golzine had evidence against him, he'd certainly take extra steps to protect himself. But he could offer them to Max and Ibe, if they needed them eventually. And yet—he didn't really want to.

Did that make him a coward?

He didn't even know anymore. He wondered. If his mother was dead, maybe she could watch him. If alive, he didn't even know.

_Sleep with them and we'll keep paying her bills._

He should never have believed them. He doubted they'd paid a cent for her. _You let her die, didn't you?_

"What are you thinking?" Sing asked, and he couldn't even bring himself to tell him.

Sing finally gave up and headed back to his room with Cain. Yut-Lung watched Lao scowl from across the courtyard. Max had been reaching out, but Lao rebuffed his every offer of help.

The funny thing was that, besides Arthur, Yut-Lung was pretty sure he was the person in this dorm who could best understand why.

 _You're ashamed_.

_And you don't know how to love someone._

Neither did he. But with Sing…

It was going to hurt, wasn't it? Cracking open his chest. Letting Sing see, letting him hear Yut-Lung debating things no one should have to debate, like whether or not to hand over a tape of himself being assaulted to get justice, or whether he was selfish enough to want to keep a shred of his own dignity.

_I wish you were here, Mom._

When he thought of love, he thought of her. She screamed for him, wanted him to escape, and she—he wondered if she was okay to go, when she tried to kill herself, because she knew he was alive, or if she thought he was dead, and wanted to die because it crushed her. He wondered if, if she was truly ever insane and alive, she remembered she had a son, and if her thoughts were any different towards him, if she still cared.

_I still wish you to be alive. Maybe it is selfish of me, but I still want to see you. Even if you won't recognize me._

"Okay?" Shorter asked when Yut-Lung entered their room.

Yut-Lung gave him a thumbs up. He got the call a few days later from Dr. Meredith. All clear.

 _Thank God._ Yut-Lung pulled out his phone to text Sing. And he texted Wang-Lung to let him know there would be a bill. Not that Yut-Lung cared.

"You're a disgrace," Wang-Lung told him the next time he saw him, Blanca lingering in the hallway outside. "You know, if you weren't so insistent on distancing yourself from your family, the ones who were generous enough to take you in after your whore mother lose her mind and tried to kill herself to follow after the man she'd ruined, I could have taken you to a decent doctor instead of that hack. Who knows, maybe he gave you HIV with a needle too—"

"And what, then next again the next week when I had gonorrhea?" Yut-Lung shot back. "I'm going back to my dorm."

"You are the worst son our father ever—"

"I don't care about our father," Yut-Lung said, his back turned. "He's a pedophile." It was the first time he'd said those words. He pushed his way out of Wang-Lung's office. Blanca was waiting.

"What happened to your mother?"

"None of your business, but she became my father's when she was ten. Dating. I'm sure you know what that means." Yut-Lung gulped. _I'm a child of rape._

_Maybe she could love because she was a child of love. I—maybe I can't—_

Blanca put his hand on Yut-Lung's shoulder. He stiffened. "Why are you still helping me?"

Blanca frowned. "I promised."

"But I destroyed your wife's wine," Yut-Lung said, looking up at him. "Are you such a dead man already that you can't feel anything?" He stormed off.

In his room, he pulled up Google. It didn't take long. Yes, Dr. Meredith had been fired before. _Does that mean I might not actually be cured? Is he actually after money?_ Yut-Lung worried his lip. He didn't want to still be sick—he wanted— _I want to date Sing._

_I'm so selfish._

Wait. Maybe why he was fired would matter most. Yut-Lung dug deeper. It took him almost an hour before he found it, buried in an article about scandals linking the hospital to the mafia almost a decade before.

_Rumors of a doctor being let go as part of a cover up impeding a major investigation…_

It didn't take him long to find tax records to find out just when Meredith was fired, and when the dates struck him familiar, he sat bolt upright.

_What do I do?_

_Ash…_


	15. Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mild nsfw this chapter. I apologize for not putting a warning before last chapter!  
> If this is something you are not comfortable with, you may want to skip part of this chapter.

Ash's phone buzzed. He frowned, pulling it out of his pocket.

 _Can we talk?_ From Yut-Lung.

Ash glanced across the dorm room to where Eiji was working on a paper for Hua-Lung's class. Eiji looked cute when he was concentrating, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, brow furrowed. Ash removed his glasses. "I'm gonna talk to Yut-Lung."

"Hm?" Eiji looked up. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes."

Eiji exhaled.

"What?"

"It's okay," Eiji said. "Go."

 _You don't like being left out of things_. Ash swallowed. His hand brushed Eiji's shoulder. "I'll tell you what he says."

Eiji nodded. He smiled up at Ash.

It'd been a few days since they'd had sex, and nothing else in their relationship had changed. No, that wasn't exactly true. Ash felt—freer, like there were muscles he hadn't even known he'd been clenching that he could now relax, even though they ached, around Eiji. _I trust you._

 _And you trust me._ Eiji was still with him, still liked him, hadn't even brought up sex since. And for the first time when Ash thought about sex, he didn't feel weighted down.

 _Can I write my own story_?

Ash stepped into the courtyard, yanking his coat tighter around him. His teeth chattered. The wind was icy and bitter tonight, shards of cold tearing at his cheeks, cutting to the bone.

"Hey," said Yut-Lung. "I just wanted to—make sure there was no way Arthur could overhear." Yut-Lung shivered, tugging his scarf up over his mouth.

"Did your brothers—"

"No," cut in Yut-Lung. "Well, I guess it does begin with them. But Ash: I—they said some things about Dr. Meredith. I had to go and make sure that the treatment for syphilis worked, you know." He studied his shoes, which were fluffy slippers.

"Sorry you had to deal with that," Ash said. "I had two once. Chlamydia and gonorrhea. Dino took care of it. Thankfully not any of the incurable ones, that I know of. I guess I'm lucky in that."

Yut-Lung snorted. "Same. We both probably have HPV, though."

"Probably." Ash sighed, leaning his head back against the wall. The cold sliced through him.

"I wish sex ed would cover 'so you messed up, what now?' Even if neither of us really got to choose," Yut-Lung said, huddling in on himself.

Ash nodded. "But Sing already knows, right? He doesn't care."

"Does Eiji know?"

Ash's face reddened. "I mentioned it. But we used condoms."

_"You're having sex?"_

"Keep your voice down!"

"I'm glad," Yut-Lung said softly. "It gives me hope. I mean, that sounds weird. That I won't be broken forever."

"It's good," Ash said, meeting his eyes.

Yut-Lung nodded.

"He didn't even bring the STDs up."

"I don't think it matters," said Yut-Lung. "You're clean, and he loves you. You and I both know he does." He smiled. "I think I was—jealous of that. Like why did you get to find someone who loved you and I couldn't? But you loved, too. Everyone around you. I didn't."

"I don't think you _could_ ," Ash said. "There wasn't anyone you could trust. If it weren't for Shorter, I think—I think I'd be the exact same way. I was like that, for awhile, after Blanca left." His nose tingled, like it was going numb. He gritted his teeth as the wind blew harder. _Fuck off, wind._

"I don't understand why he left," Yut-Lung whispered. "He—"

"This girl I liked had just died," said Ash. "And I woke up, and he was gone. A few weeks later. Kind of a double blow."

Yut-Lung's eyes widened. "You know he was married."

"Huh?" Ash did not know.

"But they killed her. A terrorist attack—but he doesn't think so, but he also says it doesn't matter, because either way, she's dead. Back in Russia. Where he worked." Yut-Lung closed his eyes. "He said it broke him, losing her. Okay, he didn't say that, but he said she was the only person to see him as human. I don't think he believes it himself, though, or he'd be doing better than he is."

Ash's throat felt dry. He nodded. _Blanca was married? He loved someone?_

"You're human, Ash," said Yut-Lung. "And Eiji knows it, and he probably hopes you'll realize that."

Ash felt something sticky closing in around him. "I'm guessing you didn't call me out here to tell me that."

Yut-Lung's smirk vanished. "No." He pulled out his phone. "Ash, Dr. Meredith—he was fired from the hospital he worked in. And his medical license was revoked."

"Huh?" Ash blinked. "So?"

"So, look at the dates." Yut-Lung shoved the phone at Ash's face. "It's right after—the months after your brother died, right?"

Ash blinked. "Yeah…" _So?_

"They speculate about a cover-up of some sort." Yut-Lung bit his lip. "I was just wondering—does he know more than he was saying? I mean, it was a pretty major news story, the veteran going crazy and shooting—"

"I don't know," Ash managed. "It might be nothing." The wind hit him again. _Would you just stop already!_

He was about to move on. He was supposed to be letting this go, letting the adults—and Eiji—just holding Eiji—

"It was almost certainly connected to the hospital's issues," said Yut-Lung. "But for Dr. Meredith to actually be sacked over a psych patient committing suicide doesn't make much sense, and I did a quick search and that's the only major criminal case he had."

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know what I'm saying; only that I think there's a piece of the puzzle we're not able to put our fingers on yet."

Ash swallowed. He had the same feeling.

"Just don't do anything rash," Yut-Lung said quickly. "You've got a life here."

Ash nodded. His heart pounded. Even if Dr. Meredith knew something, so what? And why would he lie? He wasn't on Dino's payroll, Ash felt fairly certain of that. If he was, Dino would have mentioned him, and surely Max would know.

Right?

* * *

Yut-Lung had completed his chemistry and biology homework when Shorter suddenly stood bolt upright, almost knocking his chair over.

"I don't see a fire," Yut-Lung snapped. He felt as if he was being watched constantly, ever since he talked to Ash. _Something isn't right._

"Eiji said Ash told him he's sneaking out," Shorter reported. "Is he fucking insane?"

 _Motherfucker!_ Yut-Lung froze.

"I don't understand why he would do this!"

Yut-Lung suddenly envisioned his hands closing around a pulse-beating, breathing throat, and choking the life out of Ash Lynx. Or himself. He stood, tentative.

"I'll go talk to him." Shorter left, and all Yut-Lung could do was stand there. His brain yelled at him to follow. He couldn't lift a foot.

 _Well, I've ruined everything._ Again. Always. Him trying to help ruined things. _Hi Eiji I may have given your boyfriend information that's going to get him expelled if he does what he's doing._

_I'm such a curse._

His thoughts felt topsy-turvy, twisted and flying around in his skull like he was having a hissy fit when all he was doing was just _standing_ there. He gritted his teeth so tightly he thought they would shatter. What was irrational? What was rational? What was responsible? What did friends even do? Why was he panicking so much? Why was he overreacting? Why did he always overreact?

_Mommy!_

He grabbed his phone and typed out a text filled with autocorrect errors. _Song I neeed yo now._

Oh great, now he sounded needy, whiny, and annoying. Yut-Lung hurled his phone back onto his bed. It hit his soft pillows. Not even a satisfying plink. _Come on!_

The door opened. Sing frowned.

_Sing._

_You came._

_You really came._

"Are you okay?" Sing managed.

Yut-Lung shook his head. _I'm overreacting, and I don't know why, and now I'm panicking and losing my fucking mind._ "I ruin everything."

Sing's jaw fell open. "Uh…"

It broke. Yut-Lung burst into tears. _Fix it! Make it better!_

"Shit," said Sing. " _I_ ruin everything. I'm so bad at this. I don't know how to handle tears."

_You can't._

_I'm too fucked up._

"Well, sorry I'm exactly as girly as I look!"

"I didn't mean it like that! See?" Sing clutched his face. "I wish I could do more! I see you in pain and I want to protect you!"

"I know," Yut-Lung managed.

"But it's not your fault," Sing added. "I don't know whose it is, but it isn't yours."

 _It's not me. It's not you. It's all so much._ He sobbed.

And then Sing clutched Yut-Lung's shoulders, guiding him down towards his bed with its dozens of soft pillows, and he held him, letting Yut-Lung cry into his shoulder. He rubbed circles in Yut-Lung's back. "Does this have anything to do with the fact that Ash is making another dumbass decision? Like sometimes I wonder how someone so smart can be so dumb at the same time, and then I look at you and I realize it's not unique."

"Hey!" Yut-Lung protested, pushing back. He glared up at Sing. _You really_ are _bad with crying people._

_But it—I—still like it?_

_I still think you're good? Because you're still here, and you want to help._

"I mean, you are smart and stupid at the same time. You figured out I had crushes on—everyone—except you," Sing pointed out, face red. "Oh damn—"

 _On me?_ It still lifted his spirits. Yut-Lung grabbed his teal pillow and pretended to smother Sing. He laughed.

"So what did happen?" Sing wanted to know. "I'm worried, Yut-Lung."

He told him about what he'd learned about Dr. Meredith. "I just—it seems fishy to me. But I didn't mean for Ash to run off—I just hope he doesn't get expelled. He and Eiji are doing well, and—"

"Still his choice," said Sing, blowing out his breath. "Not yours."

"But I told him knowing what he might do."

"Why?"

"Because." Yut-Lung swallowed. He looked into Sing's eyes. "If it were something to do with my mother, even the slightest chance, I'd want to know. I don't know where to find her. I don't even—I don't even know her name. I've combed through their computers and, nothing. I know she's probably dead, but I—if there was anything—" His voice cut off. He couldn't continue. "Alive or dead, I need her. I want her back."

Sing laced his fingers through Yut-Lung's. He didn't say anything, but his breaths echoed after Yut-Lung's.

"I think you did the right thing," Sing said finally.

"You do?"

Sing nodded. "Ash will come back. If we have to blow up the library to get him in unnoticed, we'll blow up the library to get him in unnoticed."

Yut-Lung rolled his eyes. _You're just as loyal as Shorter, you know that_? He snorted. Sing smiled. "Have you been okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean living with Cain. And Lao."

Sing looked down at his torn jeans. He closed his eyes. "Cain's like a brother to me. So is Shorter, and—and Lao's not, but he is my brother. I mean, he loves me, but he's not—nothing like your brothers, but—"

"I don't think you have to compare. It's still sucky." Yut-Lung wrapped his arm around Sing. "You can cry, you know."

"Hey!" Sing pushed him, snickering.

"He's afraid of you," Yut-Lung opined.

"Aw, bull—"

"No, he is. Because you're self-sufficient, and he's not. You're just as capable of making it on your own as—as Cain, or as Shorter, or as Ash, really. And he doesn't know how to do that." Yut-Lung clutched Sing's shoulder. _Believe me._

Sing blinked. "Thank you."

"I mean it."

"I believe you." And then he cleared his throat. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Yut-Lung's eyes popped. _What_? He was… asking?

The room suddenly felt warm. The hairs on his arms and back stood up on end.

"Only if you want to," Sing said quickly. "If you don't, that's fine—"

"No. You—can." Yut-Lung flushed even deeper. _You_ asked _to kiss me?_

He liked that.

Sing's face came closer. Yut-Lung clenched his fists. _Is this—are you serious—do you really want to—_

Sing's lips lowered, caressing Yut-Lung's. And then he tilted Yut-Lung's chin up, deepening the kiss. And Yut-Lung couldn't think at all. He melted against Sing, following his lead, his hands gripping Sing's skull, his eyes closed.

Sing broke away, resting his forehead against Yut-Lung's. "Thanks."

"Thank you," Yut-Lung muttered. _You really—care_.

"I've been dreaming of doing that."

 _Me too_. "Literally?" he teased.

Sing's face reddened.

"Wait, actually?" Yut-Lung shrieked. Something light and hot exploded in waves inside of him.

"Stop," Sing moaned. "It was just once—okay, twice, but you had your hair down and—"

"What else did dream me do?" Yut-Lung asked, snorts emerging undignified. He reached up and undid his hair, letting it flow loose around his shoulders.

"That's for my imagination only!"

"It doesn't have to be." Yut-Lung propped his chin up on his fists. This—this was seduction. Himself, as much as Sing. Stripping away layers. Scary, but also cleansing. Awkward, and hopeful. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach.

Sing hesitated. "Yut-Lung… I don't want you to do this to yourself. Not like with Shorter. You deserve better than that. Not than Shorter, that's not what I'm saying, but—"

"I already know you don't like me for sex," Yut-Lung interrupted. "I've always known." He swallowed, tugging at the ends of his hair. Another layer. Time to cut it off, and it was the dirtiest one, but Sing didn't seem like he'd be scandalized. "It scared me. You scare me, too, Sing, just like with Lao. You're a really good person, you know. And—you're the first person to genuinely like me since my mother, and I know from the start sex had nothing to do with it. _Even if_ you were dreaming about me the whole time."

"No, it's only recent!" Sing protested.

Yut-Ling rolled his eyes. "But you don't—I've never had to use that as a selling point with you. I've never been able to use any selling points, actually. Not sex or money or whom I'm related to. Not with you. Which means you like me, but I still—" He swallowed again.

_I don't know why._

_I'd never admit that to anyone else, and I don't even need to verbalize it with you._

"Yut-Lung," Sing said. "I like you because I know what kind of person you are. You're a bleeding heart surrounded by shields."

He frowned. "What does _that_ mean?"

"It means you care. You even understand Lao, and you don't hate him. The only one you hated was Eiji, and that's because you were jealous." Sing smirked. His hand tucked Yut-Lung's hair behind his ears. "You are kind. Or you can be. You're the first person who took the time to understand me, who believed in—instead of putting me down."

 _You're serious?_ Tears blurred Yut-Lung's eyes. "I want you to have a good first time. Not like me. You deserve it. You shouldn't feel used."

"I don't think I would be," Sing said. "Not by you." He reached out and put his hand on Yut-Lung's crotch. His stomach leaped.

"You want to?" Yut-Lung asked, breath hitching.

Sing nodded. He gulped. "Is it normal to be nervous, though?"

"I think so. But if you don't want to, we don't have to. We can wait. I'm not going anywhere."

"I want to have sex with you," Sing stated. "I don't think you would push me, and I don't think you'd do anything I didn't want you to do. It doesn't have to be now, but I want it to be you. And if it was now, I'd be happy. To be honest I'm more worried about being bad at it."

_You trust me?_

"You couldn't be bad at it," Yut-Lung said. "Because you wouldn't hurt me."

Sing smiled.

"Do you jerk off to me?"

"Hey!" Sing's face colored.

 _That's a yes_.

 _Good_. Because he wanted to, too. "I do to you."

Sing threw a pillow at him, -Lung swung the pillow back, and somehow int he mayhem Sing's hands closed over Yut-Lung's wrists, pinning them back on the bed, and he looked up at Sing, into those dark eyes the color of midnight, and he arched his head up at the same time as Sing lowered his lips.

"Can I make sure we're not interrupted?" Yut-Lung rasped. He texted Shorter to stay out of their room until he sent him another text, and then he turned his phone over.

_You don't see me as a slut, or as someone others have had and used._

_You just see me._

Yut-Lung pushed Sing back, straddling him. His mouth delved down onto Sing's. "If something doesn't—feel good—or if you change your mind—just say so," he panted.

"Same to you," Sing responded, his fingers combing through Yut-Lung's hair. Yut-Lung pulled Sing's shirt off first, tossing it to the ground in a heap. He slid his lips down Sing's throat, latching on. Sing let out a moan. His mouth trailed kisses all the way down Sing's abdomen.

_I really like you. I want you to feel good. That would make me feel good._

It was what he had learned, and yet he didn't remember learning it. He moved how he thought Sing would like, to an invisible melody. Sing's hands slid under Yut-Lung's heavy sweater, lifting it off him. Yut-Lung was not so well built, but Sing didn't seem to care. His palms rose and fell in sweep, like Yut-Lung was something beautiful to him. No, someone, because he paused before moving his hands to new places.

_You're not afraid of me._

He pulled his own pants off. Sing unbuckled his jeans, and Yut-Lung grabbed condoms and a container of lubricant from his desk drawer. Sing snorted.

"You have to use your fingers," Yut-Lung said. "First, or I'll—be in pain."

"Like this?"

"Let me show you." He didn't mind teaching Sing. They were working together, and this was something new for him, something unencumbered by memories. When their bodies met, Sing paused to kiss him, stroking Yut-Lung's jaw, Sing's own mouth agape and yet still curved, a smile, the most precious smile Yut-Lung had seen, and they breathed, chest against chest, hands on shoulders and waists, fingers running alongside ribs.

They moved together, Yut-Lung wrapping his legs around Sing's waist, breathing in his scent, feeling the heat of Sing's pecs against his cheek, looking up with Sing looked down to check that he was okay, arching his neck to kiss him. _You. You, you, you you you._

Sing let out a groan in the end, shaking, and Yut-Lung shook with him. Sing's head landed on the pillow next to Yut-Lung's ear, and he was saying his name again and again. _Yut-Lung, Yut-Lung._ He might be the moon, but Sing looked at him like he was a sun.

_You said sex was for true love for you. Well, you didn't admit it. But you said it the same._

_I don't know what it is for you, but I know for me what it is._

_I love you._

He curled up, his head resting on Sing's chest.

* * *

Guilt sunk its talons into his spine, trying to pull him back, but Ash gripped the oak tree anyways.

He remembered the warmth of Eiji's kiss.

 _Fuck_.

Ash yanked out his phone, turning around and stomping back across campus. His pulse pounded in his throat, and his hands shook. He went to Jessica's apartment instead. "I need help." He knew Michael was with Max for the night.

Jessica gave him a sweatshirt and helped him cover his hair. She headed for the parking lot, calling Charlie on the way. "I swear to God if you don't help us, I'll get Nadia to put extra pepper in your food for a week."

As Ash suspected, Charlie did not want to mess with Jessica. He met them at the side gate, handing Jessica the keys. She marched Ash through the streets. Ash noticed that she held a pink container of mace in her hand, and he remembered what she had been through.

_Sorry I'm making you leave a leave where you feel safe._

Jessica pounded on the door to Meredith's clinic. A nurse answered, eyes wide. "Emergency?"

"Yes," Jessica stated. "Tell Dr. Meredith Aslan Callenreese is here to see him."

Minutes ticked by. Jessica kept her grip on Ash's shoulder, her jaw set. She'd just trusted him right away, when he said he needed help, when he told her that he had to know. _Why? Who would you risk everything for?_

And he knew. Max. Michael. Her loved ones. And she knew what Griffin meant to Max, and to him, too.

 _We really are both tsunderes_.

Dr. Meredith appeared, his eyes bulging. "At this time of night?" He rubbed his eyes, clearly having just woken up. Plaid flannel pajamas draped his heavyset frame. And then he saw Ash.

_Do I really look like him?_

All he knew is that his father once, drunk, told Jennifer and some of the others by the diner that Griffin "got my plain looks, but Ash's the pretty one. Shoulda known that would get him in trouble, but thought he'd man enough to handle himself."

_I wasn't._

_I'm still not._

Even if he didn't look like Griffin, he wanted to be like him. He loved Ash. He was kind, and good. Sensitive.

 _Haven't I been through too much to be sensitive?_ The sensitive ones couldn't function without white powder or injections. It was too much for them.

_I wish I could be. I want to be. Like Eiji, like Griff, like Max._

"What brings you here?" asked Dr. Meredith, his eyes somber, but Ash already knew that he knew.

"What happened to my brother?" Ash croaked out once he and Jessica were seated in Dr. Meredith's office. "The full story. Not just the official one."

"Why do you want to know?" asked Dr. Meredith.

 _Because he's my brother, idiot._ But he bit his lip. "Because I have to know to—move on." He was tired, so tired, of being suspended between his past and—not the present anymore. The future. He was standing in the present, if only he could turn on the lights and see. Help me see, so I can take a step.

"I don't know what happened in terms of the actual crime," said Dr. Meredith. "I have my suspicions. I know that a certain other physician was stealing medicine and drugs from the pharmacy here. I know they sold them to people like Griffin, and a reporter had found out. I know he thought Max Lobo would be there that night, but he wasn't there at the time of the crime. I also know his crimes got swept away after all the brouhaha over a murder. And I know Griffin had no recollection of committing the crime, but the gun was found in his hand."

"You think this person killed them and framed Griffin?" demanded Jessica.

"I can't know. The person left the hospital soon after."

"Who are they?" Ash demanded.

"Abraham Dawson. His brother was head of the hospital. Now he's dead, too. Car accident, though there were rumors of mafia involvement. Alexis was a good man."

 _My chemistry teacher?_ Ash's eyes bugged out. "Why wouldn't you say anything? Why did you cover it up?" He rose. Jessica gripped him, her fingers digging in to warn him. "Why?"

"I had no proof, and someone else had something on me! Dawson went to his brother about it, caused an uproar, and even though Alexis knew the slimy bastard was doing it to divert attention from himself, he focused on me. Can't blame him. It was his brother. But he fought for me. Didn't go to prison because of him. Abraham didn't make it as a doctor anyways, but who's shocked?"

"Why would Dino give a shit about that man?" Ash cried out. "He can barely teach us! He's a stuttering mess!"

"I know why," Jessica said. "He'll do whatever Dino wants. Dino likes slaves. Men like that always like mindless slaves. And I'm sure he can help with the drug trade in town."

Ash gritted his teeth. "But he's dumb."

"No, he's smart," said Meredith. "His plan to frame your brother worked."

Ash slammed his fist into Meredith's desk. Jessica grabbed his other arm, too. "He might as well have murdered Griffin! Because if him, he—he—" _He gave up._

The brother who told him never to give up, who patiently taught him how to hit a baseball. He gave up. He gave up Ash. He gave up himself.

_Griffin, you mattered so much to me._

Did he know that at all?

_I'm sorry. I'd give anything to show you. I—_

"Oh, Aslan," Meredith said. "He didn't commit suicide. That's what they had on me. He tried, though."

Ash's eyes widened. "You—" _Did you kill him? You—_

"I saved his life, but I wrote that he died," Meredith said, looking straight at him. Jessica stiffened. "And I smuggled him out of the hospital through the morgue. He went to look for you, too, but you'd run away—and he went—and he was convinced he might be—still scared he might have done something, scared he'd ruin your life if he found you and you had to live with a murderer, a fugitive, someone legally dead—he thought it'd be better to be dead, and he tried again, and I got him committed to a hospital. Then he started using again. And then he got clean, and last I heard, he was working as a dishwasher somewhere in Jersey. I haven't heard from him in almost two years."

Jessica had to hold him up, because Ash's legs buckled.


	16. Shame

"You're kidding." Eiji gaped up at Ash. Shorter sat on their floor, sunglasses off, rubbing his temples.

"I'm not." Ash pressed his hands to his mouth. He was shaking.

"Dude, what are you doing here then?" Shorter erupted. "Go find him! He's alive!"

Ash met Eiji's eyes, and Eiji saw the same anguish he felt sometimes, tapping at him when his mother forgot to call again, when his father barely recognized him, and it wasn't even their fault and he still wanted to know what was wrong with him.

"Ash," Eiji said quietly, moving to sit next to him.

"Why hasn't he tried to find me again?" Ash wondered aloud. "Or Max—or—maybe he did resent me, the fact that he had to raise—"

"I doubt it," Eiji said. He wouldn't have it. Ash—

"I doubt it, dude," said Shorter. "Isn't it obvious why he hasn't seen you?"

Ash peered at him.

"He's ashamed," said Shorter. "And he's scared of himself. He thinks he might be a murderer. A mass one. Like a lot of people might've died at his hands, his friends even. If his friends aren't safe around him, how would his brother be? He's been on and off drugs because he's been through things he can't cope with. He can't know what happened to you, because I'm pretty sure if he did, based on what I know about him, he'd be fighting Charlie to get into the school. He probably thinks he doesn't deserve to meet you again."

"But he should!" Ash shot back. "I'm not—I wouldn't—I would just want—" He clutched his knees, gulping in air, his breath ragged.

Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash. _Isn't that how you felt about me?_

_And isn't that how I feel about you, too, sometimes? You're so strong, and I don't deserve to—I might be a burden?_

Ash looked to Eiji, his eyes swimming, and Eiji knew he had realized the same thing. He closed his eyes, leaning back against Eiji again.

"All right, too much PDA, I can't see anyone without seeing Charlie and Nadia like ghosts tormenting me," Shorter proclaimed. "Farewell."

"Tell Yut-Lung?" Ash requested.

Shorter and Eiji exchanged a glance. Shorter snickered. "Well, you can tell him yourself, because he still hasn't told me I can come back to his room, oh excuse me, _our_ room, so I'm going to take Sing's bed in Cain's room, if you get what I mean." He winked.

Eiji covered his face, moaning as Shorter left.

"Wait, Sing and Yut-Lung are—" Ash's eyes bulged.

Eiji shrugged.

"Good for them, but let's all protect Yut-Lung from Lao the next few days."

"No kidding." Eiji shook his head. "How are you really feeling?"

"Terrified," Ash mumbled. "Don't repeat that."

"I figured."

"I don't even know what to think."

"Are you mad?"

"At him?"

"Yeah." Eiji wondered. He smelled it again. The hospital room, that clean pungent scent. _Dad?_

"No." Ash pushed himself up. "At myself, maybe, for not—I—how am I going to sit through chemistry? And I was going to give up on finding out what happened." He clutched his head.

"You're not a bad brother," Eiji said. "You care. And chemistry… I'm sure Shorter will have an idea for that."

Ash snorted. "Probably." His lip trembled. "If he's out there, and we find him, then he'll—find out about me. What I've become." He closed his eyes, lying down. "I don't know if I can take that."

Eiji lay down next to him, Ash's head pressed into his shoulder.

"And if we don't find him, then I'll hate myself more." Ash's voice cracked. "Every time I make progress, or I think I do, then it's like—I fall again, and—"

"That's okay," Eiji said. "I'll be with you when you take two steps forward, and when you take three steps back." He laced his fingers with Ash's. "Just—please stay with me, too."

_Don't run._

_No matter how ashamed you are._

"Forever," Ash whispered, kissing the tips of Eiji's fingers.

"Even though I'm a coward?" Eiji asked, dragging the words out of the sticky black substance in the back of his mind.

Ash cupped his face. "You're the bravest person I know."

"I can't do—"

"You reach out to those around you. You aren't scared of people, no matter who they are," Ash interrupted. "That's brave, Eiji. You give people hope."

Eiji smiled. If Ash believed it, he hoped he could. Eventually.

Ash pulled Eiji on top of him. They didn't go too far tonight. Lips together, hands working, drowsiness seeping in as they clung to each other.

When he woke, it was to light flooding the room, and cold. Eiji felt Ash jerk up next to him, and blinked, rubbing his eyes.

Max looked at the two of them. His brows arched. His face turned the color of an apple. His mouth fell open.

_Oh my God._

Eiji's face felt as if his skull had been replaced by molten lava. At least they both were wearing clothes? Still, he definitely had a hickey. Eiji's hand flew up to cover it.

Max sputtered. "I—you—"

Ash froze, looking up at Max like he was terrified of seeing disappointment there, condemnation, confirmation he really was bad for Eiji. He opened his mouth. "I—"

"Don't lie to me, Ash," Max cut in, and Ash closed his mouth. Eiji put his hand on Ash's shoulder. If they were to get in trouble, it was on him too.

Instead Max let out his breath. "Okay. Jessica is over my place. And Ibe's coming for breakfast, too. And Charlie. The two of you, get ready and meet me there—you're not missing first period, but we are gonna have to have a talk."

"Of course," Ash said quickly. He and Eiji both scrambled to get ready, rushing to Max's apartment. He had dried cereal for them all. Eiji missed Nadia's eggs.

Max's face was still red.

"I told them all," Jessica said as she emerged from the bathroom. Her eyes narrowed at Max's flush and her eyes slid to Ash and Eiji. Ash shrugged. Jessica smirked.

Ibe and Charlie arrived soon after, faces somber.

"I have contacts in the police," Charlie said as Eiji poured milk on his Cheerios. "Ones whom I do trust. We're working on it, but the two of you need to promise me—and get Shorter to do likewise—that you're not going to get involved in the murder thing. I can't have that on my conscience."

"Nadia would flay you," Ash said, pointing his spoon at Charlie.

"And it's her brother, and she loves him, and she loves you like a brother, too, Ash," Charlie countered.

"Do you trust me to find your brother?" Max asked, looking to Ash. "Please trust me. Ibe and I will find him. But please step back; you can't put yourselves at any more risk. I'm worried about it even getting back to Dino that you went to Dr. Meredith's last night."

"Ash," said Jessica. "You're like a son. Please."

"Eiji," Ibe said. "Please."

He glanced at Ash. "I think it's for the best."

Ash nodded.

 _Wow_. Eiji let out his breath. _You mean it_?

 _You trust me. And you trust them_. He reached for Ash's hand.

"Something else," Ibe said. "Next week, Eiji, Akira and Keiko are coming here. For about ten days."

Eiji's eyes widened. "What?" He grabbed his phone. Keiko hadn't texted him about that—what—

"For an interview, and because Akira's father wanted to go away with his wife." Ibe pressed his lips together.

 _And he didn't want Akira along, and she couldn't fly here on her own_. Though truthfully Eiji wondered if Keiko would make it to the airport in time, much less board the right plane, the airhead. He could hear a phone call from her after ending up in Shanghai by mistake. No, security would catch it.

"I'd like to talk to both of you privately," Max said right before they'd have to leave.

Ibe frowned.

"Ibe, did I show you what Michael drew?" Jessica said quickly, and Eiji made a mental note to thank Jessica every day for the rest of his life and to never let his mind wander in her class ever again.

Max led them to Michael's room. He gestured for them to sit down on the bed. Eiji tugged his collar up. His face still burned. Ash swallowed, but met Max's eyes.

"Are you being safe?" Max finally asked.

"Please don't split us up by rooms," Ash said instantly.

"I'm not going to do that if you're being safe."

 _Even though we're breaking the rules_?

"We are," Ash mumbled.

"Great," said Max, exhaling. "I'm not mad, for the record. I just want you two to be responsible."

 _Really?_ Eiji lifted his gaze. Max didn't seem like he was lying.

Ash's eyes widened.

Max smiled at them.

"So, I get to meet part of your family," Ash said as they left for class.

Eiji nodded, pulling out his phone. He texted his sister. _I hear you have news?_ "She'll get to see that her charm worked."

Ash snorted. "Are you okay with her coming her? And with meeting me?"

"What?" Eiji glanced to Ash. "Of course! I want her to—Ash, I'm not—" He wasn't ashamed of Ash. Even if he had no idea how his family would react to him falling for a man. Keiko probably wouldn't care, though. He'd seen the yaoi stashed in her room.

Ash smiled. "Okay, then."

"We should have them meet with Skip and Michael," Eiji said. "Keiko's a year older than Skip, and Akira's Michael's age." He sighed. "It's probably good for her to take a break from school, even if I'm sure she'll be studying like mad on the plane."

"From school?" asked Ash.

"From everything," Eiji answered. "I think—school is her pole vaulting. And she's realizing, before I did, that—it's not going to get our parents to see her. They don't have time. It's beyond anyone's control." They reached their lockers. "You know, despite being from a place with eight million gods, I used to think they were kind of slacking when it came to us."

Ash watched him. "I'm sorry."

"Did you ever feel the same?"

"Yeah, except there was only one. But yeah."

"I think that's changed, though," Eiji said, taking his biology textbook from his locker and slamming it shut. "I met you." _And it's okay._

Not that it was all worth it—maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. It didn't really matter.

Ash froze. His eyes—the stone holding them crumpled. They weren't jade. They were spring's green grass, just beginning to sprout.

The bell rang.

"We're late!" screeched Ash, grabbing Eiji and hauling him to Blanca's class, where he rewarded them with a detention and Eiji didn't even care. Shorter and Yut-Lung joined the detention cluster by the end of the class anyways, due to Shorter constantly wiggling his eyebrows at Yut-Lung and Sing until Yut-Lung threw a beaker at his head. Eiji saw Lao's eyes widened and glanced at Sing in alarm. Sing ignored his brother.

 _See you soon, aniki_ , Keiko responded.

* * *

Yut-Lung had completely forgotten to text Shorter and fallen asleep in Sing's arms, but Shorter didn't seem annoyed. He was, however, relentlessly teasing them about it.

He tried to wrap his mind around with Dr. Meredith had told Ash. Griffin, alive.

Was he elated or terrified, or both?

He sighed. Sing smiled at him, and his heart leaped. He'd had sex, and he liked it, and Sing liked him, and instead of feeling dirty, he felt light.

He had to make sure Hua-Lung and Wang-Lung didn't find out. If they did, it'd be too dangerous, and he'd never forgive himself.

Arthur smirked at Yut-Lung as they left biology, and a chill ran through him.

But nothing happened that day, or the next. On Friday, he spotted Wang-Lung leaving Golzine's office and panicked. But he couldn't figure out what they might have been discussing, and Blanca was no help at all, telling him not to worry about it.

"I'm dating Sing now," Yut-Lung snapped. "My brothers might—"

"Then that's a foolish decision on your part."

"What, to date Sing?" Yut-Lung blinked. Blanca's words, for the first time since he and Sing had made love, covered him in a familiar slimy guilt.

"Yes. People like us—"

"Ash and Eiji—"

"—are equally—"

"Not everyone is as dead inside as you are!" Yut-Lung glared.

Blanca rose. "Have you thought that maybe an adult who has been through this might know something more than you do?" He towered over Yut-Lung. "If I'd pushed Natasha away, she'd still be alive, and I wouldn't have—this is the worst kind of guilt—you—"

Yut-Lung craned his neck to look up at him. No. He wasn't giving up Sing. No matter what, because Sing hadn't given up on him no matter what, even when he had every good reason to believe Yut-Lung was nothing more that a slut with a bitter streak and no kindness left in him. "I'm not you."

Blanca blinked.

"And Ash isn't you, either," Yut-Lung continued. "And Eiji isn't Natasha, and neither is Sing, and I'm not Natasha, and Ash isn't either! For God's sake, why won't you _grow up?"_

Blanca's mouth actually fell open.

"You're supposed to be the adult here!" Yut-Lung shouted. "You're supposed to be—just helping me—you're not doing—" His voice cracked. "I wanted you to be a—you're the first adult who's been kind to me since—my mother."

Blanca stared at him, blue eyes looking like a clouded night sky.

_I want a dad._

_I want you to be proud of me._

_I want you to be like Max for Ash._

"You said I was good at biology. You said I was smart. You asked about my health and helped save me there. You—" And his words shattered. Hot tears streamed down his face. "Why isn't it enough? What more can I do? Why don't you want me to be happy? Why don't you care about me more than—than just helping me endure—you're like giving me painkillers instead of giving me a cure."

"I can't fix it," Blanca managed, voice strangled.

_What, do you think you're not capable? You?_

_Well, I need you to be._ "I don't—want to be a frightened—child for the rest of my life—like you. You're not—getting better—because you don't think you deserve to. But _I want you to!"_ Yut-Lung cried harder. " _I need you!_ Even if Sing—he—"

_Nothing can happen to him._

_But he's—_

_He loves me._

_You're useless because you're choosing to be_.

 _No, I don't need you. I'll be okay_. He'd seen it. Ash and Eiji, Shorter, all of them, too. He had people. And even if he lost them, there were others out there, weren't there? There were people, and he wasn't broken, and even at his worst—

"You're still so ashamed, aren't you? And you're only digging yourself in deeper." Yut-Lung turned and grabbed his bookbag, stalking out of the classroom. Blanca watched him go.

He made it to his dorm to see Arthur laughing wildly, and Eiji and Shorter holding Arthur back.

"What the—" He gaped. Sing raced towards him, Kong and Bones on his feet. Alex charged out his his room and straight for Arthur, throwing a fist into the back of Arthur's head. Arthur stumbled, falling to his hands and knees.

"Cut it out!" Max's voice bellowed. He appeared from his apartment, face twisted in fury. Yut-Lung didn't understand. What on earth had happened? Sing grabbed Yut-Lung's arm. "Alex, you have a detention."

"I don't need your help. Control your wife better." Arthur spat as he got to his feet.

"And you have a detention too. Get to your rooms."

Everyone scrambled.

"What happened?" Yut-Lung eked out as he and Sing hustled into Ash and Eiji's room. Shorter and Cain followed, Alex and Kong and Bones as well. Lao and Arthur slammed their respective doors.

"Someone leaked explicit photos of Jessica," Eiji stated. Ash's face was so red it looked like all the blood in his body had flooded it.

Yut-Lung's jaw fell open. Something cold spread through him.

"It's my fault," Ash croaked. "She helped me sneak out—Arthur must have seen, someone, and told Dino—"

"Piece of shit," Cain said.

"I'mma beat his ass," Shorter declared.

"It's not just that," Alex said. "It's that the photos are—kind of sketchy."

"You saw them?" Yut-Lung gaped.

"Everyone saw them; they were posted to the school's Facebook page."

"Holy hell." He clamped his hand to his mouth.

"Wang-Lung called her in and told her to resign," said Eiji.

"She can't!" Sing protested.

_She's one of the few truly good ones at this school._

_They're going after them. They're going after them all_.

"He told her it was best for Michael," Ash grounded out, curling his fists.

"Did he steal them from her phone or something?" asked Shorter. "Like, that's fucking illegal—"

"I don't know."

Cain muttered a curse word.

A knock on their door. Yut-Lung stiffened.

It opened. " _Jessica!"_ everyone shouted.

"Hello, students," said Jessica. Her eyes looked slightly red-rimmed, but she covered it up well. "Max told me you were fighting Arthur. Don't worry, boys, I can protect my own honor." She jammed her finger in Ash's and Alex's faces. "Don't either of you get yourself suspended for me again, you hear me? Or I'll see to it that you're suspended myself. Don't try me."

"Yes, ma'am," Alex eked out. Ash almost smiled.

"Brat," Jessica said.

"Did you contact the police?" asked Sing.

Jessica's face softened. "Yeah, Charlie's on it."

"Because hacking can usually—"

"It wasn't a hack," Jessica said. "I'd never seen those photos before myself. But it's still a crime, and I hope whoever did it has huge balls so that I can make them hurt even more when I crush them. And if any of you repeat that you're all getting detentions, too."

"Are you resigning?" asked Bones. "I mean, is it true Wang-Lung asked you to?"

"No, and yes," Jessica said. "He requested it. But he's a little man who's too cowardly to face himself and so can't fathom that something that isn't your fault isn't worth being ashamed of. I expect all of your papers tomorrow as per normal. And I'm not grading you any nicer." She adjusted her purse strap. "Sorry, Yut-Lung."

"No, it's fine," Yut-Lung managed. It was… true.

_Not ashamed…_

_How can you be so strong?_

"How could she never have seen them before?" wondered Shorter after she left. "I mean, the photos were clearly taken at the school."

Ash stiffened. His eyes met Yut-Lung's.

 _But she's so strong. It wouldn't have happened to her._ She wasn't like—like—

 _Ash? Me?_ Yut-Lung curled up, knees against his chest. Sing leaned against him.

 _Someone would have wanted to use her to get to Max Lobo…_ if they'd known in advance. But still. Jessica was too strong. She was. And it didn't make sense that they would have—unless they knew from the beginning that Max was investigating Griffin and wanted insurance just in case?

 _It doesn't make any sense_. That couldn't have been it.

"Oh good, they got taken down," Shorter remarked.

Cain grunted, shaking his head. "Took them fucking long enough."

Yut-Lung waited until after dinner to talk to Ash, outside in the cold again. "Did someone hurt her? Is that why she wasn't at school last year?"

Ash blew out his breath. He nodded.

"Did they catch—"

"Clearly not."

"So whoever—"

"Yeah," Ash said. "No, Arthur wasn't—he just must have ratted me out. And that means Dino must be involved to then have leaked the photos, but he—I can't figure the sense of that—unless he was covering up like for Dawson but that doesn't—"

Yut-Lung's heart started to pound. He listened to Ash ramble, unable to cut him off because he wasn't sure if words or vomit would spew out of his mouth.

Wang-Lung was in Golzine's office earlier.

And Yut-Lung knew perfectly well that there was a brother of his at this school who did, in fact, videotape his conquests.

_Golzine's blackmailing them over Hua-Lung._

_How many others? How many more have you—you—monster—_

_I'm not letting you get away with this. Not this time._

_I don't want to be Blanca._


	17. The Things You Can Save

Ash curled up in his room, trying to sleep. He couldn't. His mind churned and churned, each thought more mangled and bloody than the last, smearing the inside of his skull.

Finally Eiji turned on the light, sitting up. He couldn't sleep either.

Ash exhaled.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eiji asked.

Ash shook his head, but it came out anyways. "I can still hear the—camera clicking, sometimes. I hate that sound."

Eiji came over to sit next to him. Ash leaned back against him. "It hurt, and I was crying, and they wouldn't stop, and I—I wished I was back in Cape Cod with—with that coach—" That was hell, if there ever was one, that house where bodies decomposed in the backyard and he didn't even know, but he knew he was decomposing when the man pressed money into his palm and his father would pretend he didn't see it, like he hadn't told Ash what to do. Even now Ash wondered if he would have been killed if he put up a fight, and why he wasn't killed in the first place. Maybe it would have been better if he had suffocated on that towel the first time.

And then later on, when that man offered him food after he ran away, and he went with him hoping for a place to warm up and found himself being torn apart by demons. "They were laughing. I can hear the laughing, too. And tomorrow everyone who doesn't understand will be laughing at Jessica, and I—"

Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash. He closed his eyes. Ash clutched Eiji's hand. _How can you like me?_

_I should say goodbye. I should. I should._

_I can't. I'm too selfish._

A knock on their door. Ash stiffened.

Another knock, that sounded more like a kick, and then a cuss.

"Sing?" Ash scrambled up, flinging open the door.

Sing darted inside, clad in pajamas and a t-shirt and brandishing his phone. "Yut-Lung's done something royally stupid."

"Again?" Ash couldn't resist asking. Eiji jabbed his elbow into Ash's waist. "Ow!"

Sing flung the phone at their faces.

_I'm 99% sure it was Hua-Lung who raped Jessica._

Ash's vision swam. _What?_ He could barely read on. The words swam out towards his head, and then back into the phone. Eiji now held him by the waist, holding him up.

 _?_ _? ? ?_ Sing had replied.

_He records himself a lot. He's gross. & I know he thinks she's attractive. He said so once. _

_What can we do?_

_You don't need to worry about it._

_WELL NOW IM WORRIED. IM YOUR BOYFRIEND THAT'S MY JOB_

_I couldn't save my mother,_ Yut-Lung had responded. _I'm not letting this kind of thing get to Jessica, too._

"He's gone, isn't he," Ash stated, heart pounding. He could feel blood roaring inside of him. _I'm going to fucking kill you, Hua-Lung, you asshole._ And then he saw the look on Sing's face, the twisted rage, the way Sing's fingers kept clenching and unclenching, and he knew Sing felt the same. _Hua-Lung raped Yut-Lung too, didn't he?_

"But why would—" Eiji started.

"I don't know, but by the time he texted me he was already gone, and I—" Sing gritted his teeth. "If he gets himself—I don't know the codes to get into the staff apartment—"

 _You think I might._ Well, he didn't. But Ash knew another way. "Come with me. We're just going to drag him back here, but just in case, Eiji—"

Eiji turned to him, eyes wide.

 _I don't want him disappointed in me. Because he's never sold me._ "Wake up Max," Ash said. "Wake him up, take Shorter and Cain if you have to because they're louder than you are, and get him to come help drag this brat back."

Eiji nodded. He snatched his green parked, the one with fake fur at the hood, and rushed out of the dorm room. Ash raced out of the dorm, Sing on his heels and trying to call his boyfriend again.

"I don't understand," Ash panted as they ran. "Why the hell is Yut-Lung—what good does he think this will do? Is he just trying to—prove he—" _Doesn't deserve you?_

 _I do understand that. I do._ It was a sticky understanding, grimy and gravelly, scraping and clinging to him.

"What does Hua-Lung have against Max and Jessica anyways? They hate Dino—unless they are working together—"

"I don't think so," Sing managed, almost tripping over a stone. He grabbed Ash, dragging him behind a tree as Evanstine meandered down the path, whistling a song rather terribly. The notes were already dying before they emerged from his lips as sputters and gasps.

An idea swam into Ash's mind. He stepped down on a group of dead leaves. They crunched.

"I think Dino's cracking down on everyone. The Lees included. He probably thinks he can kill two birds with one stone now. You, because of Max and Jessica basically being your parents, and the Lees."

Ash cursed, grimacing as they took off once again. He had promised to back out, but he— _I can still save my friends, right?_

"Ash," hissed Sing.

"What?"

"Someone's following us."

Ash smirked. "Good."

* * *

Yut-Lung heard the light switch on behind him a nanosecond before light scalded his vision.

He wasn't surprised. He'd been expecting it. The computer was still on, and he wasn't going to hide what he was doing. Yut-Lung rose, squinting towards his brother's form in the doorway. He had some of the prints already in an envelope, perched on the rolling chair. And he felt dirty for even looking at it.

" _You_ ," snarled Hua-Lung.

"Me," Yut-Lung confirmed. His heart pounded. His hair hung wild around his shoulders, like his mother's had at the end of their attack. He hoped he looked just like her, like a ghost. "Big brother Wang-Lung sold you out, Hua-Lung."

"And you're cozying up to him now, are you? Sharing his bed instead of—" Hua-Lung's lip curled in a sneer.

"No," said Yut-Lung. "I'm not sleeping with him."

"He would have permanently sold you! The only reason you're here is because I—"

"You raped Jessica Randy, didn't you?" Yut-Lung screamed. Another mother. Another son, unable to save her. Another woman, stronger than any of the men around her, still hurt.

Hua-Lung stiffened. "You see how she acts. Those short skirts, those—did you know she used to be a photographer for Playgirl—"

"I don't give a damn!" Yut-Lung grabbed a paperweight, a glass one in the shape of the Lees' dragon sigil, and hurled it at his brother. Hua-Lung ducked. It smashed against the doorframe. Upstairs, he heard Hua-Lung's wife shouting.

"I'm going to call the police," Hua-Lung said. "And I'm going to see you put in jail, and this time I won't save you. No one will believe someone with as loose a reputation as—"

"Except Shorter Wong is my friend," shot back Yut-Lung. "And Charlie's practically his brother-in-law."

"He's not a real cop!"

"And you're not a real teacher of anything worthwhile! You're not a real brother! You raped my mother! You raped her until she—and I'm taking—" Words he'd long wanted to say bubbled up, frothing, spewing out of him. He let out a wordless scream. He grabbed the picture Hua-Lung had of his brothers and smashed it on the corner of the desk, shattering the glass. _Break! Break! I hate you all!_ He grabbed anything, everything, to throw it around.

Hua-Lung lunged across the room. His palm flew out. Yut-Lung ducked, dodging the slap. His hands closed around Yut-Lung's -Lung's legs buckled. Hua-Lung yanked him around. His shoulder throbbed.

"It was you being there that caused her to lose her mind! You seeing her brought so low! You were a burden, the burden that broke your mother's sanity!" Hua-Lung screamed, shaking him. His face was purple, swollen, veins bulging. "She was property! She was bought! You—"

 _NO! No nononononononononono no n o!_ "Where is she?" Yut-Lung screamed back. "Did you kill her? _Where is she?"_

"Hua-Lung!" shrieked his wife's voice. She glared at Yut-Lung, but his brother stopped shaking him. "Someone's at the door—a teacher—"

Hua-Lung turned on his heel. Yut-Lung didn't hesitate the second he was released. He grabbed the computer's mouse, scrolling through the files. They were there. All of them. Himself, crying. Himself, acting. Himself, him, him, and then a familiar blonde face. He gagged. _I'm going to see you put in jail for this._

_My mother may never get justice. Or a second chance._

_Jessica will._

"Stop him," Hua-Lung ordered his wife. Yut-Lung grabbed another framed photo and hurled it at her head. She yelped and, like the coward she was, fled.

"I found these two trying to break into your place," came a deep voice, a voice Yut-Lung recognized.

"Bitch, get back there!" howled Hua-Lung to his wife. "You useless—"

_Foxx?_

"Let go of me, you bastard!" came Sing's voice. "Where is Yut-Lung?"

"My brother? Oh, right, you're the one who—"

"He's my boyfriend, and I swear to God if you've done anything to him—"

A shuffle, and then a thud. A yelp, and a crash. Yut-Lung froze. And then, as if pulled by invisible strings, he appeared in the doorway to see Hua-Lung sprawled on the floor, blood streaming from his nose, and Ash stomping on his groin while Sing raised his fist to strike again. Foxx tutted, shaking his head, and Yut-Lung instantly realized.

_I fell right into your trap._

_There was no way to win._ Wang-Lung was determined to rein him in, and Golzine likewise with Ash. Of course the two of them had teamed up. _I am nothing but a failure._

But even so, didn't that mean he was afraid? Of him and Ash working together?

"Yut-Lung!" Sing shouted, grabbing him. "Did he hurt you? Did he—" Black fire burned in Sing's eyes, a consuming rage, his fists bloodied. _For me. At what he did to me._

And even with knowing he failed, something like happiness bloomed through the cracks anyways. _Even so..._ Yut-Lung shook his head. _You and Ash came after me._

_We're going to work out of this trap. I can get through this. I can. I can._

_Am I allowed to hope? Am I allowed to feel this relief?_

_It won't destroy me. I have someone._

* * *

"They're _what?"_ Max had shrieked, still clad in his pajamas. He rubbed his eyes. "Okay. Shorter, you get Charlie. Cain, wake up Jessica and then stay with Michael. Eiji, come with me."

"What?" bellowed Cain. Shorter took off instantly, and, swearing, Cain took off too.

"Don't swear around him!" Max hollered, and he ran, Eiji after him. Max wasn't in proper shoes and kept stumbling and tripping over rocks. Eiji had to steady him a few times. Fear clambered inside of him.

_Please be okay, Ash._

The door to Hua-Lung's house was open. Max barged in to see Hua-Lung's wife screaming her head off, Hua-Lung vomiting on the floor, blood dripping from his nose, Sing and Yut-Lung behind a door in what looked like a den, and Ash about to punch Foxx.

"Oh my God," said Max. "Stop!"

"Max!" Ash turned, relief on his face. Eiji reached for him.

Max's gaze latched onto Hua-Lung, and his face turned purple. He raised his own fist.

"Max, don't!" Eiji shouted, grabbing his arm. Not because Max didn't deserve the chance to—not as much as Jessica, but still—but because he did not trust this Foxx character at all, not to use Max lashing out as an excuse to get Max fired, somehow, someway.

Something just wasn't right. Nothing was this easy.

Max halted, gaze softening when he looked to Eiji, and to Ash. And he lowered his fist, even as he stepped closer to Hua-Lung, towering over him as if to keep him on the ground, cowering like the slug he was. "Come away from there," he called to Sing and Yut-Lung.

"There's proof," Yut-Lung said. "On his computer. Photos of her, photos of—me, and—Ash, there are photos of you, too." He closed his eyes.

Ash's face crumpled. He nodded. Nausea washed through Eiji. _You're willing to do all of this just so Jessica will be okay. Put yourselves through hell._

Eiji took Ash's hand. He looked up at Ash. _It won't change my opinion of you._

Max hesitated. "You have the photos of Jessica?"

"Yes," said Yut-Lung. "They're—there are some physical copies of those ones, and of some other women, too." Foxx's lips curved, and Eiji couldn't shake the feeling that they were somehow playing directly into Golzine's hands. "Ours are all—digital." He looked at his feet, face turning red.

_Do you think these images have so much power over Ash?_

Ash leaned back against the wall, face turning green.

Max marched into the office. He grabbed something from his pocket. Eiji blinked. Max picked up an envelope, checking them. He cussed. And then. A click, and a flame broke through, a small glistening flame, and Max pressed the lighter against the side of the computer. Ash let out a yell. Yut-Lung clapped his hands to his mouth. The odor of burning plastic spread through the air.

"What are you doing?" shouted Foxx. "That's destroying evidence, you—"

"On the contrary," Max said. "We have the physical copies of Jessica. I'm done letting this kind of thing be used to control these kids, but that's exactly what you wanted, isn't it?" He faced Foxx, chest heaving. "Arrest me if you want. But I'm not letting those files ever see any eyes again. I'm sick of these kids—kids—having to put themselves out there, treat their bodies and their minds and their souls like they don't matter, because disgusting pricks like that _creature_ over there decided to treat them like animals. If they want to testify, that's up to them. But they're not going to _have_ to. What did Golzine hire you to do, ensure that they had to face that humiliation too? Because the world isn't good enough to see it for what it is? Because some asshole prosecutor or defense attorney who'll be in Golzine's pocket will rip them apart on the stand? Tell Wang-Lung he sacrificed his brother for nothing, because Hua-Lung is going to jail and Yut-Lung isn't going to run back to him either."

_You are—brave._

_This is what it means to be brave._

"Hey!" shouted a voice. Eiji whirled around. Shorter, Jessica, Charlie, and of all people, Blanca, appeared.

* * *

"Ah shit," said Yut-Lung when he saw their biology teacher. Sing straightened, stepping in front of Yut-Lung. If Blanca so much as said one word to him that was condemnatory, Sing was going to break his jaw.

Ash was still frozen, gaping at Max. Eiji pulled Ash up.

Charlie yanked out a pair of handcuffs. Hua-Lung's wife was shrieking. Sing wanted to tell her to shut up, that she was a bitch who let her husband abuse Yut-Lung and still married him, but he wondered whether she'd had any choice in her life. _Still no excuse for blaming him._ Yut-Lung had told him that she yelled at him for acting flirtatious, and for wearing shorts in the summer, and for growing his hair. She tried to force him to cut it once and he cried so hard Hua-Lung actually took his side, which didn't make her soften to Yut-Lung at all.

"Okay," said Jessica, towering over Hua-Lung. "Rot in hell, scum-ass." She turned to her husband. No, she turned to Ash. "Eiji, Ash, Sing, Yut-Lung."

_Oh right. She said she'd suspend us._

Sing cringed. He could hear Lao echoing in his mind. But he didn't care. He spotted Blanca in the background and again wondered why he was there. The man didn't even look at Yut-Lung, and Sing could see how Yut-Lung's shoulders slumped.

"Eiji just got Max—" Ash began as they all filed out of the house. Shorter came, too.

"I know," Jessica said. "And I know you and Sing just wanted to save your friend."

 _Boyfriend_. Sing said nothing, but he squeezed Yut-Lung's hand.

"So really it's just you," Jessica said, turning to Yut-Lung, whose face was whiter than the moon.

"I don't care if I'm suspended," Yut-Lung managed.

Jessica threw her arms around him. Sing blinked. Ash smiled, and Eiji rested his head on Ash's shoulder, watching as Jessica held him. And Yut-Lung broke, sobbing into her shoulder. She stroked his hair, and he kept crying, chest heaving, the sounds broken and ugly, shards cutting into Sing as he remembered all the comments Lao made about Yut-Lung, the names he _believed_ about Yut-Lung.

_You can't ever get that back._

_I don't even know if you can change his mind._

_It's not fair. It's not right._

And in that moment Sing understood why Max had burned the evidence. It might just be a foolish dream, a spark in a relentless wind, but wasn't it worth at least lighting it?

_I want you to be free._

"I'm—s-sorry," Yut-Lung choked out. "If I'd told—earlier—I—"

"Not your responsibility," Jessica managed. "Okay, brat?"

 _Brat_. Sing rolled his eyes. He put his hand on Yut-Lung's shoulder.

"Sorry I ran out on you," Yut-Lung mumbled, pulling back from Jessica. He turned towards Sing. The moon glittered above them. Tree branches knocked together in the breeze, the first buds of leaves on them now.

"I understand why you did it," Sing replied. Because he did.

_You're scared. And you want to prove yourself. And you're scared they're right._

_They're not._

But he hadn't fallen for Yut-Lung expecting him to be cured. He would be there to welcome him back, to run after him, and he knew Yut-Lung would run after him, too.

_We'll run together when we have to._

Yut-Lung nodded.

Charlie pushed Hua-Lung outside, the wrenching sobs of his wife echoing behind them. Jessica scowled. Max emerged next, shaking his head, and then Blanca and Foxx last of all, glowering and spinning a tale about trying to protect the kids.

 _I'm keeping my eye on you, loser,_ Sing decided.

"Let's go," Max said. "You're all suspended for the day. Shorter, you too, actually. Cain will be a well."

"Eiji—" Ash began.

"Needs to sleep," Max said. "And I don't want you all in class with Foxx yet, anyways. Not until Charlie investigates. It's Friday, so tomorrow's the weekend anyways."

Blanca stuffed something in his pocket. Sing frowned. Some kind of paper? But then he turned to them all and nodded at Yut-Lung, and then at Ash. "See you on Monday." He turned to stride away.

_That's all?_

They made it back to their dorm as the first tendrils of salmon and gold braided their ways through the sky. Sing staggered in to find Cain waiting for them, Lao pacing back and forth, and Arthur scowling.

"We lived, bitch," Shorter called to Arthur.

"Shorter, enough," Max said.

"We're suspended," Shorter informed Cain. "Just for a day."

"Awesome," Cain replied.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Sing asked Yut-Lung.

He shook his head. "Thanks, though." He pecked Sing on the lips. In front of Lao.

Sing smiled.

"Sing," Lao said, catching his arm. "You—"

"Not talking about it with you," Sing said. "I love him."

"I was talking about you sneaking out to—wait, you what?" Lao blinked. "And you didn't—ask me to—"

"Why would I trust you, Lao?" Sing shook his head. "I'm exhausted, okay? Let's do this when I actually have some sleep and have energy to process your bullshit."

Lao flinched. Sing left him standing alone in the courtyard, staggering into his dorm room and flopping down face first onto his bed. "Thanks for helping," he mumbled to Cain.

"No problem. But y'all better be careful," Cain said.

"What do you mean?" Sing propped himself up on his elbows.

"I don't put it past your brother to do something desperate," Cain said. "He's scared."

"He's a bitch."

"He's a scared bitch." Cain kicked off his shoes. "Scared and lonely. That's exactly like Yut-Lung at the start of the year, and Ash a few years ago, and if you don't watch out, he'll become like Arthur."

"Huh?" Sing frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Want me to try to get him to see George?"

"You don't need my permission."

"I know, dude. I don't want you thinking I went behind your back."

 _Because we're friends._ Sing nodded. "Okay."

He woke around three in the afternoon to find texts from Yut-Lung thanking him, and Yut-Lung himself standing over him, shaking him. Sing yelped.

"Jesus," complained Cain, rubbing his eyes. "Have you ever heard of waiting until someone is awake?"

"I warned him," Shorter opined from the doorway.

"I doubt it," Cain grumbled. "Considering you'd die without another person in the room."

"Better than dying all alone because you locked your friends out to protect them or some bullshit like that," Shorter retorted. "Been through this with Ash. Sing's already the me in this situation, you're screwed."

"Huh?" Sing didn't follow.

Yut-Lung rolled his eyes and plopped down next to Sing.

"How are Ash and Eiji?" asked Sing, sitting up and leaning against Yut-Lung.

"Excited," answered Shorter.

"Huh?"

"Max came to wake us up, so then we came to wake you up," Yut-Lung explained. "Eiji's sister just got here."


	18. Arrival

" _Aniki!"_

A blur threw herself at him, grabbing him around the waist in a hug. Eiji laughed. _You actually missed me that much?_ She really cared more than he'd thought she did. Ibe had picked them up at the airport and driven them to the school, where they were meeting in Max's apartment.

Keiko pulled back, tossing her hair. A small girl with a pixie cut clung to Ibe's leg. "Aniki, you remember Aki-chan?"

"Of course." Eiji crouched down, smiling at Akira. "Nice to re-meet you."

She giggled.

"Akira and I watched three movies on the flights over here," Keiko announced. "And we didn't sleep at all. They kept bringing us soda."

"Oh great," Eiji responded, a laugh breaking through his lips. In moments like this, Keiko seemed like a child again, and he tried to forget the incident from the night before, what they were fighting against. To Keiko America and boarding school was an opportunity on a hill, a goal to climb towards, a free place with sweets and movies and fun, without the dying, without the loneliness pressing in around them.

_But it's everywhere._

_That's okay, right? Because we're alive here, too._

Eiji straightened, gesturing towards Ash, who hung in the corner of the room, his hands shoved into his pockets and eyes watching everything about their interactions. "Keiko, this is Ash."

"Ash? What a weird name," she commented.

"Keiko!" Eiji eked.

"It's actually Aslan," Ash said, smirking. "So even weirder."

"See, he doesn't mind." Keiko stuck her tongue out at her brother.

Eiji rolled his eyes. "Keiko, he's my boyfriend."

"Ah?" Ash turned to him, mouth open. He clearly hadn't expected Eiji to just cop to that right away. But he wanted to. He wanted Ash to know that he wasn't ashamed of him, wasn't ashamed of himself, wanted to brag about Ash, even.

Ibe smiled.

"No way!" shrieked Keiko.

"What?" Akira gaped.

"My love charm worked, then!" Keiko proclaimed. Akira's lower lip stuck out as if she was disappointed about something. Eiji couldn't imagine what.

"Love charm?" asked Jessica, snorting. She and Max emerged into the living area, Michael next to his father.

"You told me it was a good luck charm," Eiji teased Keiko.

She sniffed, sticking her nose up in the air. "Same thing. Good luck for love."

"It is _not_ the same thing!" Eiji protested.

"Love is life."

"I can't with you," Eiji moaned. But this was nice. Teasing. They didn't often tease each other. They didn't often have much to do with each other. But maybe they could. She beamed up at him.

"Ash helps me with my homework," Michael was telling Akira. "Me and this other boy named Skip. I think he's your age, Keiko. He's super smart."

Akira did not look pleased. Eiji didn't understand. How could she not love Ash?

"I'm not that smart," Ash said.

"He has an IQ of 200," Eiji said. "He _is_ that smart."

"200? How is that even fair?" complained Keiko, and Eiji wondered. Here, would she be able to focus on something other than school? What if the lessons being in English was a problem for her? It was hard for him at first too.

Ash shoved Eiji, who snickered.

"So do you really like it here?" Keiko asked Eiji after dinner and meeting the rest of his friends. Yut-Lung had complimented her braid, Shorter's piercing fascinated Akira, and Cain and Sing were sweet to them as well.

He nodded. _Could we talk? Like siblings do? Can we be siblings in person, in addition to when we're apart?_

"It's like you have a bunch of brothers," said Keiko, looking around the courtyard. "And a boyfriend too."

Eiji's face flushed. "It does feel that way." Like a family.

_We all want one, don't we? Yut-Lung's family is abusive. Shorter lost his parents. Sing's brother tries to control him. My parents are too sick and too poor to be the parents they could be, and Ash's parents abandoned him._

_You want one, too._ He wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"I won't tell Mom and Dad about your boyfriend," said Keiko. "But you should. I think they've got bigger things to worry about." She sighed.

"If you come here," said Eiji. "You'll find one, too. A family." _And I'll be a better brother. I promise. Me, and others._

"That's what Akira needs, too," Keiko said. "Her father's mean." She frowned, tugging at her hair.

"Is Akira okay?" Eiji questioned. "She seems a little—tired."

"Yeah, but she also had a crush on you," Keiko said. "Oops. Oh well."

Eiji's face burned. "She does not."

"She told me and I told her you were too dumb for her."

"Hey!" Eiji squeaked. He ruffled her hair.

"Don't mess it up!" she shrieked. "She does, and I like her, but I like Ash too, and you like guys, so stick with Ash. And don't tell her I told you."

 _Well, obviously_. Eiji bit back a snort. _You'll find a family here, Aki-chan. You won't need to find it in any way other than by being who you are._

_That's what I've found, anyways. Even with all the hell around us._

_Keiko, I'll protect you._

* * *

"It's all over the school," Sing said to Ash and Yut-Lung. Eiji was talking to his sister in the courtyard, and none of them wanted Akira or Keiko to know that anything was wrong. Though Michael might say something. Or Skip, since Skip was going to show Keiko around the next day—she would attend classes with him, etc.

"Jessica?" eked out Yut-Lung.

"No, that we were involved in your brother being arrested for it." Sing exhaled. He'd asked Lao, of all people. Lao. And Lao had spoken to him, though his words were stilted. "Golzine's apparently pissed, and denouncing Hua-Lung as some kind of pervert. As if he's in any way different."

Ash groaned. Yut-Lung squeezed Sing's arm.

They had to be careful. They had to keep the kids from finding out. But there were too many questions.

"Golzine set all of this up," Ash said, nostrils flaring. "Now Hua-Lung is in jail, and—even if he doesn't have leverage on us, he sent Foxx there to get evidence to undermine Wang-Lung. He's playing your brother, Yut-Lung."

"If he takes him down, I don't mind," Yut-Lung said. "But I'm worried that if he takes Wang-Lung down, no one else will take him down. I wish they would just destroy each other." He closed his eyes. "I'm so tired."

"Me too," Ash whispered."But—I think Jessica and Max will. Keep at it, I mean. Griffin, and—"

"I know," Yut-Lung tucked his legs against his chest. "I think they will, too."

 _But it's hard for you to trust like that_. _Trust adults to do the right thing when there's no stake in it for them, or when there are risks. I can only imagine what they'd do next._

But Max and Jessica would keep at it. Sing believed it. And judging from the way Yut-Lung relaxed, he hoped it, too.

"Blanca was there," Yut-Lung said. "I wonder if he's finally going to help them."

"He was hired to help Golzine," Ash said. "Hey, maybe he went to help Foxx with the evidence."

"He helps me."

"Not mutually exclusive. He's the most by-the-rules asshole I know. If he signed a contract, he'll keep it. Verbal promises, too." Ash snorted. "It'd have been fun to see him let loose on Hua-Lung's ass for threatening you, though."

"I don't understand why he just defends," whispered Yut-Lung. "Why can't he—I mean—"

Sing remembered Blanca slipping that paper into his pocket. _Why are you helping Golzine?_

_How can you help him, and care about Yut-Lung and Ash? You're not getting anything from protecting Yut-Lung, so why are you doing it? Or are you? Are you trying to wriggle information out of him about his brothers, for Golzine?_

_If so, you're despicable._ Sing curled his fist. Yut-Lung had confided in him that he envied what Ash had with Max and Jessica, and Eiji with Ibe.

Shorter agreed to stay in Cain's room for the night so Sing could stay with Yut-Lung. He held Yut-Lung as he lay awake, stiff, until he finally relaxed, drifting off with his head against Sing's chest.

_It's not enough._

Their classmates tried to coerce them into giving details, and Dick kept making shitty comments about Yut-Lung being a slut like his brother until Bones slammed his tray over his head in the cafeteria, and they both wound up in the principal's office. After school, Sing and Yut-Lung lingered for an extra biology lesson, though really it was like Sing had two teachers. Teachers he wasn't certain he needed.

"See you back at the dorm," Yut-Lung said at the end. Sing nodded, but he lingered outside the classroom door.

"...thanks," Yut-Lung was saying.

Thanking him. For helping. _Do you still think that was his prime motivation?_ Sing gritted his teeth so tightly it felt as if his jaw might splinter. _How can you look at an old pervert like Golzine and think he's worth more than people like Yut-Lung and Ash? People who are hurting so badly you can see their souls bleeding? Is it just because he's paying you?_

_Why did you take that paper? What was it?_

_If you help Golzine, you'll hurt them._

_They need protection_ from _you._

If he brought this up to Yut-Lung, he'd be furious. So Sing kept quiet, ducking around a corner until he heard Yut-Lung soft footsteps, the ones he had to train himself to recognize, disappearing down the hallway, and then he ducked into Blanca's classroom.

"Forget something?" Blanca asked, arching his brows at Sing over his glasses.

"Yes," Sing said. His blood boiled. He walked over, and then something snapped.

Yut-Lung, crying in the courtyard, choking on his shame.

Yut-Lung, cowering in Hua-Lung's study.

Yut-Lung, calling Sing beautiful, holding him when they had sex, kissing him, looking at him like he was strong, like he was trustworthy, enjoying himself like sex should be enjoyed.

_I want to protect you._

_Lao, I understand._

Sing's fist flew out from his side, slamming into Blanca's nose. Blood spurted red. Sing's knuckles cracked. The glasses smashed. Sing yelped as glass sliced his fingers.

_What have I done?_

"Oh my God," Sing blurted out, gaping. Crimson smeared his hand.

Blanca gaped at him, removing his snapped glasses and wiping his nose.

_I just punched a teacher._

_Oh my God._

_Lao is going to—Yut-Lung is going to—_

"Do you have something to say?" Blanca managed. His voice sounded muffled from behind his bloodied hand.

"Yeah," Sing managed. "Yeah, I do." Why not? He'd already started. "I saw you taking that paper from Hua-Lung Lee's the other night. I know you're trying to help Golzine get away with everything. You're going to hurt Ash and Yut-Lung if you do that, and you're still doing it because you would prefer them to be little pets kept in—"

Blanca grabbed a handful of tissues, pressing them against his nose. "You don't know what you're talking about, Sing." He sounded like an overfed duck.

"Yes," Sing said. "Yes, I do. Yut-Lung told me about your wife. He tells me everything. He trusts me. And he trusts _you_ , too, despite it all. He wants you to care, and you—"

"You love him," Blanca interrupted.

"That doesn't matter!" Sing yelled. "I—" His breath caught. _I do love him_. And it did matter. It was everything. "Yeah. I do. And if you hurt him, I will—"

_I want you to be better._

_I want you to help him. I want you to be a father figure for him because he wants that. Because he deserves that. Because he's good, and you—he's not you._

"I'm not helping Golzine anymore, Sing," Blanca stated. He handed Sing a tissue to wipe his hands.

Sing refused. "Like hell you're not, asshole."

"I stopped after Christmas."

"Like—"

"This is what I stole from Hua-Lung Lee's place the other night." Blanca opened his drawer. He removed what looked like a mug shot of Yut-Lung.

_Wait…_

"Her name is Meilin," said Blanca.

"Meilin?" Sing repeated. _Plum jade?_ Something coiled in his abdomen. He looked up at Blanca in shock.

"She is Yut-Lung's mother."

Everything blurred. Sing doubled over. "Is she still alive?"

"Yes."

Sing clutched the desk. Yut-Lung would be—

Blanca swallowed. "She's alive, and she's sane. Not only that, but her body bears no signs of a suicide attempt. What happened seems more akin to kidnapping and using her as insurance to manipulate her son."

 _What?_ Sing planted his hands palms flat on the cool wood, trying to breathe. "Then—she—she's been kidnapped for what, ten years, and she's still—"

"She's thinking of her son," said Blanca. "Or so my source tells me, since I managed to get someone I know and can rely on into there as a nurse's aid. I only recently found her. As of February, in fact."

"February…" Sing glared. "Then why haven't you called the police, you motherfucking—"

"Things are way more dangerous than you think, Sing," Blanca interrupted. "I know Yut-Lung and Ash recently put together than Griffin Callenreese is still alive, and that Dr. Meredith helped break him out. But what would happen if he were to reemerge, and the police you keep citing as saviors were to get wind of it? He'd go to jail for something he almost certainly didn't do, on virtue of the fact that he's someone society doesn't care about, an addict, a veteran with PTSD, a child who raised himself and his younger brother. Ash would lose his brother again. You really think he'd want to see his brother in prison?"

"You really think he didn't want to know his brother was alive?" Sing retorted. "Or that—"

"Or that a mental hospital that takes bribes won't be able to fabricate evidence to get Meilin's rights to see her child completely removed?" Blanca continued. "We can't move yet. You have to be smart about these kinds of things, Sing—"

"Being smart just sounds like a way to protect yourself!"

"Or a way to protect everyone!" Blanca shook his head, hair flying. "There is a way. If Golzine goes down, properly, all his lackeys will go down with him, Wang-Lung included. And Meilin and Griffin can both be free. But if you free them beforehand, if you help them come back up, you'll lose them."

"You've been hurting them! You almost didn't save Yut-Lung during prom! Ash told me!"

"I needed to pretend—"

"Why would I trust you?" Sing demanded. "Why _you_ , of all people? Why you? Give me a reason! Tell me why I would!" _Please._

_I want to believe you._

_Yut-Lung, your mother remembers you!_

"You really shouldn't," Blanca said wearily, rubbing his forehead. "That's something we were all taught."

"Huh?"

"I've been trying to save what I can ever since I met Natasha," Blanca said. "You should know, Sing. For the longest time I thought it was just myself, but I've seen more in Ash and Eiji, in you and Yut-Lung. I thought the most I could of was keep them alive."

Sing was barely following.

"My wife was killed," said Blanca. "I grew up as an orphan, you know, and then they got me to make weapons, illegal ones. Most of the other kids I knew died. No one mattered except for the most talented ones, and I was that one. My only use was what I could do for them. They turned me into an assassin, in the end, protecting big-name dignitaries and wealthy businessmen by acting preemptively, taking out opposition, protecting their bank accounts, the children they only protected because of their names, their reputations. And no one was able to protect Natasha. Not even me."

_You don't have to do anything for Yut-Lung, or Ash. They love you even though you've done nothing but fail them._

_Because you loved them._

He looked at Blanca's eyes, cracked ocean, and he knew he'd seen it.

"Do you want to be like Ash and Yut-Lung, or like Natasha?" asked Sing. _It's really that simple._

Blanca's lips curved.

"Does Golzine know?"

"He probably does, now. As of yesterday."

"You can save more than just yourself. You can save them," Sing managed. "You're capable, and we'll help you—it's not either or!"

"Get under the desk," said Blanca.

"The hell?"

"I'm glad you came, Sing," said Blanca, and then he pressed something into his hand. A flash drive. Sing blinked. "Get under the desk now." Blanca grabbed him by his shoulder, shoving him down. Sing yelped, but then he heard it. Footsteps.

_Who the hell is—I can—_

Blanca swore.

The door opened. Sing wedged himself down, not understanding, biting his lip and tasting salt, wanting to stand up and demand to know what, what, what in the hell was going on.

"Dare I ask?" came Golzine's voice. Sing yanked out his phone, typing a text to his boyfriend. Wait. He had no idea what to say, where to begin.

"Yut-Lung Lee's boyfriend packs a punch."

"You wouldn't have let yourself be hit if you didn't think you deserved it, for whatever reason," Golzine opined.

_Not true, bitch, I'm quick!_

"Don't suspend him," said Blanca.

"You're too emotional."

"That's what you're here for, isn't it?" Blanca sighed. Footsteps echoed.

"What did you get on Wang-Lung Lee?"

"Nothing new," Blanca said.

"Eduardo saw you remove a—"

"Photo of the boy's mother. I thought he might like to have it."

Sing pressed the back of his hand against his mouth. It reeked of blood.

"If you had time to get that photo," stated Golzine. "Then you had time to—"

"My emotions are a bit of a problem, now."

He needed to text someone. The conversation—each sentence sounded like a serpent, slithering around the truth, filled with a toxin, ready to strike if poked.

"I'd agree. They definitely are." Golzine cursed. "How long?"

"Only recently," Blanca stated. "That boy is like—if I ever had a son, he would be like him."

"And if he was your son, would you put him at such risk? Because all you've really done is removed yourself as his biggest protector."

"No," said Blanca. "His biggest protector has always been himself."

 _No, it's Eiji. And Shorter. And me, Yut-Lung, Cain, Max, Jessica_.

"Which one did you enlist?" asked Blanca. "Foxx? Or Kippard? Couldn't be Dawson, he's too useless."

 _He's giving me their names. He's giving me all their names._ Sing's heart pounded.

"Arthur."

"Ah, the kid. I should have known." Blanca exhaled.

"He's seen worse than photos of you murdering people."

"He could see better, too."

"He's not as talented as Ash, but he has enough use for now." Golzine cleared his throat. "Do you want to come quietly, off campus?"

 _Come… where?_ Sing thought about screaming. Or throwing something at Golzine. He tensed.

"Did you already call the police?"

"Were you planning to beg me not to? I gave you plenty of time to run. As a kindness."

"I know." Blanca was quiet. "Thank you for that."

_For what? He's fucking having you arrested! And I don't even know what for!_

_And he's leaving us. He's leaving Ash and Yut-Lung. He's leaving, again_. Sing felt the flash drive in his pocket. _You moron! You suicidal bag of shit!_

"Can I expect an assassination in prison?"

"I don't believe you'll actually talk, or be in there for long," stated Golzine. "But you'll be all over the news, Sergei Varishkov. You'll be able to go back to the Caribbean, somehow, I'm sure. You'll figure it out. I can't have you around here."

"I understand."

_I don't! I don't understand at all! If this is all true—if we just need to cut off the head of the snake—how? How are we gonna do that, if they even got you? How is Yut-Lung going to—how is Ash—_

The door closed.


	19. Matter

"I love it here!" proclaimed Eiji's sister, throwing her arms out. Skip laughed as he watched her. Akira and Michael were drawing under a tree, the hesitant baby blue sky of spring above them.

Ash smiled. It'd been a good day, all things considered. The kids smiled a lot, even Akira, and their interviews were tomorrow. Eiji totally didn't get that Akira had a schoolgirl crush on him. It was adorable. Shorter had guffawed when he saw it. "Someone's jealous," Sing had teased.

 _You are loved, though, Akira. No matter what your dad says about you_.  _You don't have to be a boy, and if you were a boy, he'd still find something to hate about you._

_Because he hates himself._

_It's him, not you._

Watching her yank the crayon away from Michael, both of them laughing like the sweet innocent kids they were, Ash felt hope breathe into him like the spring breeze. Both of them had experiences so much hardship already in their young lives. But they could still laugh, could still act like the kids they were.

_You'll be okay._

_And me?_  He glanced at Eiji, who smiled at him.

 _I'll be okay, too_.

"It's good spending time with her," Eiji said. "And—"

"Yo," called a new voice.

Ash stiffened.

Arthur appeared, grinning like a goon.

"Who are you?" asked Keiko.

"He's mean," Skip told her. She and Arthur both scowled.

"Got news on your mentor," taunted Arthur.

Ash froze.  _Max? You—_

"They're at the gate. You might not miss the show if you hurry." Arthur whistled.

"I'll get everyone home," Skip said quickly to Ash.

 _Show?_  Ash's mind swam. And he hated that Skip knew what to do, knew how to protect, could switch so quickly from twelve-year-old kid to protective figure who grew up on the streets.  _Why?_

Eiji turned to Ash, face white.

"Eiji?" called Keiko.

"We'll talk later," he managed. Akira stood, brow creased. Michael glanced at her, biting his lip.

"Go, Skip," Ash said. If it was Max—Michael—he couldn't let him see, he couldn't—

He broke into a run, Eiji next to him. Both of them took off down the path, heading for the main gate. And he skidded to a halt. Shorter and Cain were there, holding Yut-Lung back. And Yut-Lung's face was bright purple, as if he was an overripe apple about to burst.  _Yut-Lung?_

Ash followed his gaze.

Blanca.

With his hands behind his back.

In handcuffs.

And Jenkins, George, Nadia, and Charlie all watching. Charlie was shaking his head. Oh, and Evanstine. He smirked.

Golzine was nowhere in sight.

" _Blanca!"_ The cry erupted from Yut-Lung's lips before it could burst from Ash's.

He didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. Blanca would never let himself—Blanca was strong, Blanca was his mentor, Blanca was their teacher, Blanca worked for Golzine, yes, but—

Blanca turned around. Yut-Lung's mouth hung open, fumbling to form words, but he couldn't.

Ash saw Griffin then, blurring with Blanca's face. "Why?" he screamed, and he didn't even know whom he was asking—Blanca, God, Golzine who wasn't even here, himself, Griffin, Charlie.

Blanca looked away. Not a single answer.

 _Bitch_.

A hand landed on his shoulder. Ash whirled around. He saw Sing there, face white as a ghost. "I need to talk to you both. Now."

"Huh?" Yut-Lung was crying.

_You thought he wouldn't leave you._

_You bastard, Blanca!_

"Please!" Sing shouted. All of them turned to him in shock. "I know what happened, okay?"

Shorter had to hold Yut-Lung up when Sing told him his mother was alive. And sane. And Griffin—and—

 _Blanca knows where he is? And he didn't tell me_?

"Fuckin' hell," seethed Cain.

"It's Arthur," Sing said. "Golzine said he got Arthur to find out Blanca's past and leak it—I'd bet anything he made Arthur do the dirty work of actually uploading Jessica's photos, too, and—"

"What a monster," Eiji managed.

Sing held up the flash drive. "He gave me this."

A flash drive? A lousy flash drive that can prove everything but was still just a piece of fucking machinery?  _Blanca, you didn't have to go out like this! You just wanted—just wanted—to suffer. To atone._

_Why? Doesn't what I want matter? How about Yut-Lung? Don't we matter?_

"Give it to Max," Ash choked out.

"We'll go with you," Shorter said, still supporting a sobbing Yut-Lung. He met Ash's eyes. "We'll find them."

Ash nodded.

"Where are you going, Ash?" asked Cain.

He took off without a word. Eiji was on his heels, Cain with them. He ran back to the grove where Skip, Keiko, Akira, and Michael had been, but now they were gone, and Arthur sat there, grinning to himself.

"You fucking bastard," Ash said, and he threw his fist in Arthur's face.

Arthur lunged. A blow landed in Ash's chest, right above his heart. Ash slung his other arm out, his feet—

"Ash, stop!" screamed Eiji.

"You bastard!" Ash repeated. Words scrambled, clambering over each other in their attempts to break out from his throat, spill from his mouth, and none of them could actually make it. They stalled on his tongue, in his esophagus; they choked him. He gagged.

"Thought you hated him," Arthur wheezed, and he swung again.

"Fuck off!" Cain grabbed Arthur. And Ash threw himself at him.  _I don't! I don't! I don't!_

_Why wasn't I enough for him to stay?_

_Why wasn't I enough for him to protect?_

_Where did I fail? Where did I go wrong?_

_Blanca—Griff—Dad—_

_Come back! Come back! Come BACK COME back COME B ACK COME B A CK!_

" _Ash!"_  screamed Eiji.

He froze. Blood dripped from his knuckles. Arthur's nose streamed. Cain stood back, face turned away.

_I didn't—I don't—want you to see me like this!_

He covered his face, wanting to scream, blood warm, smearing on his skin.

He couldn't make a sound.

"Why, you shithead?" Cain demanded. "Why are you helping that asshole? Do you think you mean anything to Golzine? He sees you as disposable, you know—"

"I'll prove him wrong!" screamed Arthur. "Can't you see? I can't prove that to—anyone—I'm not disposable!" His words came thick, bloated, blocked by his shattered nose. "I matter!  _I matter! I MATTER I DO I DO I DO I DO!"_ The screams ripped from his mouth.

And Ash heard himself screaming, too.

* * *

Eiji couldn't stop the screaming. But he grabbed Ash. He threw his arms around him. He held him back, held him as he shook.

"Come on," he heard a voice saying. He looked up to see Ibe above him.

 _When did you get here_?

Jenkins and George hauled Arthur to his feet. He was still screaming, clutching his head.

"My office," Jenkins requested. "For you, Ash, and Eiji. Arthur—"

"I'll take him," George said. "And call Max."

Jenkins nodded. Ash stumbled, Eiji supporting him.

_You matter. You do. To me._

"Why," Ash mumbled.

"Why what?" Eiji asked, voice cracking as they walked past crowds of gaping kids.

"Why are you still here—after seeing that—"

 _You still think I'd leave?_  "I want to be," Eiji managed. "And I love you."

Arthur let out a wild laugh, slapping his thighs. But tears slipped down Ash's face.

 _I've chosen,_  Eiji thought.  _I've chosen, Ash. And I've chosen you, and I don't care. For better, for worse._

_I wish you wouldn't try to hurt yourself so much, though. That's Arthur for you, isn't it? You._

Cain followed, too. He sighed as they all entered Jenkins' office. Unlike Golzine's, with its pretentious art and curtains that probably cost what Eiji's mother made in a year, Jenkins' office was filled with photos of his family. Papers scattered all across his desk. He grabbed a box of chocolates and held them out to them. "Not supposed to have sweets," he added mournfully. "But too much stress. You're literally killing me with sweetness, Ash."

An attempt. Ash managed to smile. Eiji selected a vanilla creme and passed the box to Cain.

"I don't know how much we can say," Eiji whispered.

"I do," said Ash. He straightened, looking at Jenkins. "I want to talk to Charlie."

"Charlie?" Jenkins frowned.

"I want to make a report," Ash said. "Golzine raped me. A lot of times. Hundreds. He kept me as his sex slave. And he has a club for boy prostitutes. Runaways, mostly. Mostly prepubsecent, all underage. He's a pedophile, and any evidence you want will be at that club. They sold me there when I was nine. He took me in when he realized I was smart." Ash clutched Eiji's hand so tightly Eiji's bones ached. He wasn't looking at any of them anymore, instead looking at his red converses as if they marked him. "Kippard was a client there, too."

_This isn't going to help Blanca, though._

_You're doing this for—for yourself. For all those victims still trapped, because you're still trapped._

_Burn it down._

_I'll be here with you._

The door opened. Charlie. Not just Charlie. Shorter and Sing, Yut-Lung. Max and Jessica. Nadia. Ibe.

"Arthur's staying with George for right now," Max said, sighing. "I failed the kid."

"He was failed a lot before you," Jenkins said.

"I know what Ash wants to talk to you about," Yut-Lung said, looking at Charlie, at Jenkins. "I want to, too. I know about Club Cod, and Dino Golzine raped me when I was thirteen. My brothers have been using me as a prostitute for years. For themselves and for whomever they need deals with who likes androgynous kids. Wang-Lung is in charge of it, but they know it, all six of them."

_You know it won't help Blanca too._

_But you're still doing it, too. Because you don't want to be caged by it anymore. Both of you, you want to be free._ They were running towards a bar and launching themselves in the air, trusting the mats would be there to catch them, and even if they weren't, they had to jump to live.

 _Even if they aren't there, I'll catch you, Ash._ Sing held Yut-Lung's hand.

"Can Sing stay with me?" Yut-Lung managed. "I mean—I can't—"

"Of course," Charlie said quickly.

"Shorter and Cain might as well stay, too," mumbled Ash. "I don't have anything to hide. And they're involved, at this point."

Yut-Lung nodded.

They told the stories, one at a time, and Eiji tried to keep himself together, but he cried. But so did everyone else. Sing handed over the flash drive. Ash kept his voice monotone, flat, shaking once or twice, and cried when Yut-Lung spoke, sobbing his way through it. Max kept his hands on Ash's shoulders, as if he was guarding him, protecting him.

"Don't worry," Charlie said. "If it's the last thing I do, Ash, Yut-Lung, I will get your brother and mother out, safe. I promise. If your brother really didn't do it, Ash, which looks likely, I won't stop until we can prove it."

"What about your legal obligations?" Nadia asked.

Charlie looked up at her, and he closed his eyes. "What do you think?"

"I think you're a good man who wanted to be a cop to do the right thing. For justice." Nadia swallowed.

"If I have to—go around the law—for this, I will." Charlie set his jaw.

Max smiled. Nadia squeezed Charlie's shoulder. Shorter's eyes filled.

Charlie swore. He covered his face. "I just wish—everything could be— _right_."

_But the world isn't right._

_So we have to try. To make it as right as we can. Because we're human._

"Thank you," Ash whispered as they finally left, Eiji still clutching his hand, and he knew that there was some right in the world, even if they had to make it themselves.

* * *

Ash, Eiji, Cain, and Arthur were both suspended for the next day. Eiji slept in Ash's bed, holding him, and Ash held him, too. Shorter switched rooms with Sing yet again.

Eiji woke to the sound of someone knocking at his door. He opened it to find Keiko standing there. His jaw fell open.

She put her hands on her hips. "I heard you got suspended!"

 _Oh, no_. Eiji winced. "Yes. I'm sorry, Keiko—I—"

"What happened?" she asked eagerly. "Ibe-san says my interview is postponed because there's some kind of scandal going on, but—"

"It's okay," Eiji said, hustling her out of the room and into the courtyard. He saw Skip waiting. He waved. "I—can't say anything right now."

Her jaw fell open. "Why not?"

"How's Ash?" Skip asked.

Eiji gave him a thumbs-up. He didn't want Skip to worry, but Skip frowned anyways. "It's complicated, Keiko. It's not really about me. And it's dangerous."

"But you can at least tell me; I want to know what you've been up to all year. I mean, besides Ash, though he seems super cool. Skip said he's like a sharp-shooter and an ex gang member. That's so awesome. I never would've thought—"

She was clearly trying to throw her American slang into every single sentence she could. It was adorable, and yet Eiji was too stressed to enjoy it, to focus on anything. And being a gang member was... "It's not that cool, Keiko."

She frowned.

He didn't know what to say. "Trust me, okay? It should be over soon, and when it is, I'll tell you all about it—"

Her eyes flashed. "Why do I have to wait?"

"Because you're—"

"Not someone you care about. I get it. Fine." She sniffed.

Eiji's jaw fell open. "Keiko, that's not—"

"I don't trust you," she snapped. "You went off here to America and you barely contacted me—I—you still contacted me more this year than in the past years, so I thought that maybe we could actually get along!"

His eyes stung. "Keiko, I tried to—"

She stepped back, her face screwing up as if she was about to have a tantrum. "You don't care about me! I don't matter to you!"

"That's not true! When did  _you_  ever try to talk to me before this year?"  _Before I had something you wanted?_ "You're my sister. I love you, I just—I don't know how to—I'm sorry I'm not a—"  _None of us knew what to do! We were both waiting for Mom and Dad to tell us, to make things right, to make it clear we mattered and we had roles in a family, but we were just thrown together in a whirlwind of doctors and work and school._

_I don't want to be useless to you! I want to be a good brother!_

_I can't tell you this._

"Will you tell me?"

"That's not how this works!" And it surely wouldn't make him a better brother!

"Fuck you," she said.

He flinched.  _Don't use—_

No, he'd been saying it. He'd been saying it for ages. And she was finally saying it to his face.

_I can't fix Dad's liver. I can't make Mom stick around like a mother. I can't be her, and I can't be Dad, and I can't even accomplish anything anymore. I run. I might as well be saying fuck you._

_All of this—the hentai in your room, the love charm—you kept trying to hope, didn't you?_

_Fuck._

She turned and stormed off, crying. Skip hesitated, and then ran after her.

Eiji couldn't move.

"Eiji?" Ash called.

He turned around, and Ash's face whitened. "What happened?"

"I really messed up," he managed.

* * *

"Sing." Lao tried to catch his arm after Foxx's history class, during which Sing had to deal with that teacher giving him a smug look.

"I'm busy." Sing pushed past. He did not want to hear it about Ash and Eiji and Cain getting suspended. "And I don't need a lecture."

"That's not it at all!" Lao shouted.

Sing hesitated, stopping. Yut-Lung glanced at him as their classmates poured around them, as if wondering if he should intervene.

"It's fine," Sing told him. Yut-Lung nodded and slipped by, Shorter next to him.

"Why do you care more about that slut than your own brother?" Lao eked out.

"Because that  _slut_  didn't try to lock someone else I cared about in the library! Because he doesn't try to keep me from people I care about! Because he actually encourages me to talk to you, instead of telling me to hate you!" Sing glared at Lao.

Lao flinched. " _Do_  you hate me?"

 _Oh, come off it._  "No," Sing said. "I can't hate you, Lao, you're my brother. But until you decide to start acting like it, I can't be around you. It hurts too much because you keep letting me down, again and again."

"Acting like it? You mean letting you do whatever you want?"

"You mean letting me sleep with Yut-Lung? Yeah, if I want to," Sing shot back. "And yes, I am having sex with him and I've been for—a few weeks now."

Lao turned white.

"But you don't care about that. You want to control each and every aspect of my life. You don't even hear me out. I don't mean letting me do whatever I want; I mean  _listening_  to me and trusting me for once!"

Lao gaped. "But you don't trust  _me!"_

"Why should I? You're just jealous. You're jealous of me, you're jealous of Shorter, you're jealous of Ash because Shorter's been hanging out with him rather than you! Because you're  _so_  convinced you're  _useless_!" Sing felt his eyes burning. "And you're not, Lao, you're not. You're my brother. You've been my best friend most of my life. But you can't—see that—and I'm not going to be a doll to make you feel better about yourself!" His face crumpled. "Is that really all you think of me, Lao?"

_You think so much and at the same time so little of yourself._

"You were my hero growing up, you know that? You and Shorter."  _But you always directed it to Shorter, not yourself_.

_Did you really want me to direct it at you?_

"You're better than this," Sing said. He wiped at his eyes. "Dammit!" He looked at his brother.

Lao just stared at him. No reaction. And then he turned and stalked away.

"Fine then!" Sing hollered.  _Be that way!_

_Come back. Come back, please._

He returned to find everyone in Alex's room, now that Alex's roommate was temporarily staying with George.  _Poor George._

"Max told me there's going to be a raid at Club Cod tomorrow," Ash said. "And that Charlie expects Dawson to break the second they threaten him with jail time and his boss isn't there to bail him out."

"Not only that," said Yut-Lung, trembling. "Jessica told me."

Sing sat next to him on the floor.

"They've been texting Blanca's source, whomever it is, at the hospital. They think that once Wang-Lung goes down, they can free my mother legally." Yut-Lung wiped at his eyes. "And charge them with kidnapping, too. That was apparently all on the drive."

 _How do you feel about that?_ Sing wondered.

He knew.  _Scared._

_You're afraid she won't understand why you didn't find her. That she'll hate what you became. That she'll think you a slut, too._

_I think she'll love you._

Sing's mother never had loved him. He closed his eyes.

"How do they know to trust this source?" Alex asked.

"I don't know, but Charlie snapped at me and told me he did, and Nadia agreed, so I know better than to challenge her," Shorter answered, bouncing his leg.

"Maybe they've been pretending to be Blanca," mused Bones.

"Please no," requested Ash, biting his wrist. He looked anxious, too, brow pinched, lips spread thin. He needed this to work out, too. For Yut-Lung. For himself.

"And none of this will help Blanca," Yut-Lung whispered, guilt cutting into his voice.

_Guilt, because he sacrificed himself for us._

_Guilt, because even with your mother about to come back, you still miss him._

_Guilt, because you couldn't protect anyone in the end._

"I'm sorry," Sing whispered.

"You did nothing wrong," Yut-Lung snapped.

"I still feel like that weak short kid sometimes." He heard his voice speaking, and wanted to groan. How pathetic. And yet. It was all fucking true, and dirty and gritty, weak and whiny, and true.

Teachers always talked about the truth like it was beautiful, or liberating. It wasn't beautiful, and it was gross, and it wasn't setting anyone free. Not like this.

"Where's the evidence for Blanca's crimes?" asked Shorter.

"Huh?" Sing frowned. "No idea. Probably digital."

"Good thing we've got a hacker," Shorter said, turning to Ash.

"What the fuck? How would I even—"

"The cops already have it," pointed out Eiji.

"Yeah, because some of them are in Dino's books," Shorter snapped. "Time to see how much Charlie really cares about doing the right thing."

"He's an assassin; he'll never break."

"Not too sure about that," said Cain, cracking his neck. "And if Charlie gives you the information, the hacking should be a breeze."

"He could end up in jail!" Ash protested.

 _Do you maybe care about him now?_ Sing wondered.

"It's Cain's idea," said Shorter. "But I suggested we talk to Charlie first."

"He'll just arrest us," protested Bones. "Nadia will help!"

"Don't know about that unless we ask," said Shorter.

Yut-Lung turned to Sing. "I can't leave him."

"Let's talk to Charlie, then," said Sing, heart pounding.  _Lao… you're going to be so pissed._

_But I wish you were with us._


	20. Where You Shouldn't Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is a little weak plot-wise! Exhaustion haha.

Eiji sent another text to his sister. _Keiko, can we talk tomorrow afternoon?_

She wasn't responding. She hated him. He wanted to cry.

_I really don't hate you, Keiko. I want to talk to you._

But he also didn't know what to do. Keiko was only twelve. He couldn't drag her into this. It was wrong that Ash was dragged into this at such a young age, wrong that they all had to deal with it as teenagers, wrong for all those kids trapped in Club Cod, wrong, wrong, wrong. What was the right thing to do? Why couldn't anything be simple?

At least now he understood why Ash kept things from him. But it still hurt, and he knew he was hurting her. And even worse, she had less reason to trust him.

_Keiko, please give me a chance._

They headed across campus, coats pulled tight against the sudden chill. Despite the more spring-like weather of the past few days, a cold front seemed to be sweeping back in. Eiji's teeth chattered.

"Where are you off to?" demanded Evanstine's voice as they bypassed the security bunk for Charlie's office.

"To see my future brother-in-law," Shorter retorted.

"He didn't—"

"Unless he is in there screwing my sister, which if you know about I will punch you and break your face anyways, you don't have the right to tell me to stop. We're family." Shorter crossed his arms across his puffy orange vest, the one that made him look like he should be directing traffic, according to Yut-Lung.

Evanstine sputtered. "You don't get to talk to me like that!"

"I just did, and I'm through dealing with your shit! My sister will want to talk to me!" Shorter yelled, and Eiji understood in that moment.

_You've kept things from her, too. Because you thought you were burdening her._

_She loves you_.

Alex snorted. Cain pushed ahead. "See you later, Evanstine."

"Maybe I'll call Wang-Lung Lee down here. How would you like that, you group of—"

Cain whirled around and punched him in the face. Eiji yelped. Ash arched his brows like he was impressed.

"Oh my God," said Shorter, gaping.

"Felt good," Cain said, shrugging. "He's a dick."

"No kidding." Shorter grinned. Yut-Lung clutched Sing as if he was a string of pearls. Bones howled with laughter.

"Oh, Christ," complained Charlie's voice as he emerged. "What have you _done?"_

"Assault and battery, but if you check his bank records, I don't think I'll be charged," Cain stated.

Evanstine sat up, blood pouring from his nose. "You—"

"Broken noses seem to be the new fashion around here," Shorter commented, arms over his head. He turned as Nadia stepped out of the office, her eyes wide. "Hey, sis. We have a request."

Nadia moaned. Eiji clung to Ash's arm as they trooped in to Charlie's office, crowding on the dusky blue couches. Nadia perched on the desk next to her boyfriend.

"You want to what?" Charlie gaped at them as Shorter reported their plan. "That's—a felony, Shorter. That's not juvie. That's time in a penitentiary—"

"Which Blanca's going to get if we don't—"

"He—"

"Is a killer?" Ash's voice broke. "So am I!" He covered his mouth. "He's trying to—help—and I shouldn't have to be doing this; I know it, but I'm still—doing it because he's—"

Ash was desperate. To save a father figure, even if he couldn't save Griff. Eiji rubbed his shoulder.

"You realize that if you do this," Charlie said. "I can't protect you. And that's part of my job, Shorter, because you're my brother at this point, and you're—Nadia's—" He shook his head. "It's not right. He's a murderer, and he has to pay the—"

"What choice did he have, though?" cried out Yut-Lung. "What choices, being raised as an—"

"He's an adult now; he's been an adult for—"

"So what? What is the best thing to do then, if you've fucked up?" demanded Yut-Lung. "Just grit your teeth and bear your punishment, a punishment that doesn't help _anybody?_ He does more good out here! He's in trouble because he's trying to help us, and he—"

"We can debate the validity of the prison system another time."

Eiji's heart pounded. "What even is the right thing, then? And what does it matter? And whose job is it to worry about that?"

Everyone turned to him.

"Is it just punishing people? Is it setting things right? What did you think it was, when you joined the police, and then came here? You had to sacrifice things to protect us, didn't you? You knew what was going on and you couldn't stop everything from happening, but—isn't that what he's been trying to do? Even if he had a different start to his life?" _Tell me. Tell me, I don't understand, and I want to know!_

He'd never really worried about it. He only worried about the people he loved. His parents. Ash. And now, Keiko looked up to him, and he felt like he had to know. _Unless it's all the same? No, what happens when like now, things blur?_

_Why did I get more of a chance than she did, this year? Why did I get more of a chance than almost everyone in this room?_

"Eiji," Charlie said, sighing.

A lump grew in his throat. "I had a different start than Ash. You had a different start than Nadia. And Nadia and Shorter made different choices but they're different people too, and Ash and Yut-Lung too, and still we're all here wanting to help—wanting—Dino Golzine and Wang-Lung Lee to go down, for kids to stop getting hurt—" _Don't I have a responsibility, then?_

"I know it's not fair," Shorter said, taking off his sunglasses to look Charlie in the eyes. "It's not a fair thing to ask you at all, Charlie. I'm asking you to risk your career and your freedom, but what happened to Blanca, like what happened to Ash and Yut-Lung—that wasn't fair, either. And he's trying to do something about it, instead of digging himself deeper like Golzine, and he tried to save what he could even as an assassin, didn't he? He didn't hurt Ash or Yut-Lung. He helped them. Wouldn't that be taken into account by a jury anyways?"

Charlie almost smiled, like he was proud of Shorter. " _After_ a trial."

"Which he'd just plead guilty to because he hates himself and doesn't think he deserves another chance," Ash cut in. He doubled over. Eiji held him. "I'm—I don't think I—I want to—"

_It's all the same._

"Charlie," said Nadia.

"If you deleted the evidence," said Charlie. "You'd be helping Arthur too, you know, Ash. Arthur's methods of getting it weren't exactly legal."

Ash scowled but set his jaw. "Doesn't he need help?"

Charlie's gaze softened. "Yes. He does."

"If you try to strike a deal with him to testify against Dino, he won't do it. He's that spiteful." Ash looked at Eiji, and at Yut-Lung, and Eiji understood.

 _He has no one to hold onto_.

_He never had anyone. Not like Shorter had Nadia, or Yut-Lung his mother._

_But Blanca had no one in the beginning, too, didn't he? And then he met this Natasha._ Eiji refused to believe there was no hope for Arthur.

"He might," said Charlie with a sigh.

"He won't. He hates himself too much."

_Himself, and everyone around him._

_Like you._

_I don't hate you. I love you._

Cain blew out his breath.

"You don't need to do anything, Ash," said Charlie finally. "Because I already contacted the FBI. They're not going to erase the evidence of what happened. But Blanca, unlike Arthur as you say, is willing to give evidence on Golzine. And foreign agents as well. I think that's worth immunity."

"What?" Ash's jaw dropped. Yut-Lung let out a gasp. "How do you have contacts in the FBI?"

"I don't. But do you really think Jenkins, for all his work before becoming a dean, didn't? Or that Blanca would be content to not drop a few names on his way out?" Charlie smiled. "We are more capable than you think, Ash."

"Damn," Cain said appreciatively.

Shorter rubbed his skull. "The fuck?"

"Well then, what about Arthur?" Eiji questioned.

"Do you care?"

"I don't know," Ash said honestly. "He won't want to be known as a snitch."

"It's up to him, then," Charlie said. "And it's not your fault."

"When you talk to him," said Ash. "Try to make it seem like he'd be important for doing it, instead of just telling him he'd help himself out."

* * *

"Keiko still won't answer me," Eiji reported as they made their way back to their dorm. His shoulders slumped.

"It'll be okay," Ash assured him.

Eiji looked as if he doubted it, and Yut-Lung didn't know how to reassure him.

 _At least Blanca's going to be okay_. Yut-Lung let out his breath. Sing leaned against him.

_Blanca's okay, and my mom—_

Anxiety pierced his chest like a knife. He stared down at his shoes. _I've been a whore, Mom, I had an STD, I haven't seen you in ten years, I comforted myself by telling myself you were probably dead, I wanted you alive, I'm scared and I don't know how to feel that you're alive, I miss you, I need you, I'm still scared._

_I want to see you, and I want to hide._

_I'm a terrible son._

"I presume you want the room?" Shorter asked.

Yut-Lung winced. "Yeah."

"No problem. I'll just talk to Cain all night about how annoying you are." Shorter winked to let him know he was joking. He grabbed his bag and headed towards Cain's room.

Sing snorted. He settled down next to Yut-Lung.

"Do you miss your parents?" Yut-Lung asked, facing him.

"I don't know my dad. I don't think I want to, either. My mom—" Sing stopped. "I don't really think she misses me."

"Are you angry at her?" Yut-Lung lifted his head.

"I don't know," Sing whispered. "It is—what it is. And I don't want to think about it too deeply, because if I do think about it, I would be." He swallowed. "Nadia and Shorter help with that gap. Lao too, despite his idiocy."

"I'm not angry," Yut-Lung said, running his fingers through his hair, her hair, the one she braided again and again for him when he was boy. "Not at her, but at—myself."

"I know." Sing wrapped his arms around him. "I'm mad at—Lao too, and—part of me wonders if there's something I'm doing wrong that keeps Lao from believing I'm—capable, but then other times I think it's just him."

"You are capable," Yut-Lung assured him, placing his thumb on Sing's lips. He could move there, feeling his skin against his, and not be afraid.

"So are you."

"I'm not. Not alone."

"I don't think I am alone, either," Sing said. "I needed to look up to Shorter, to Lao, to Ash, to Cain, to Eiji, to you—"

"Please don't include your brother in a list that also includes everyone you've ever had a crush on."

"Hey!" Sing whacked him over the head with a pillow.

"You know," Yut-Lung said. "No matter who wanted you, or didn't want you, Sing—or what they want with you, or what they think about you—you still matter. And I think you're capable on your own, but we do make a pretty great couple."

Sing burst into laughter. He pressed Yut-Lung down, lips on his just like Yut-Lung wanted. Yut-Lung arched his back up.

"We do," Sing murmured, breath tickling Yut-Lung's throat. "You know, you're the one who—you make me feel brave, too, and you make me—you're like, unabashedly yourself. And I want to be like that, too."

"You mean by coming out of the closet?" Yut-Lung asked, lifting Sing's shirt off his head. He liked Sing's compliments. They spilled on him like warm rain.

"Yeah, and standing up to Lao." Sing ran his hands across Yut-Lung's jaw. "You don't see me as a shrimpy little kid."

"You never were," Yut-Lung said. "I've always been watching you. And everyone. But you too."

Sing snorted. "No matter what happens with your mother, Yut-Lung: I love you." He trailed his mouth down Yut-Lung's abdomen, to his navel and below.

_You love me._

_You love_ me _._

Tears ran from his eyes. Sing pulled back. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head, sitting up and grasping Sing's jaw, shoving his tongue into Sing's mouth, pushing him back against the wall. _You said you loved me._

_You meant it. No matter what._

_You, too. No matter what._ He interlaced their fingers.

When he woke up around dawn to hear footsteps outside their door, Yut-Lung stiffened. His phone lit up.

_Can we talk? I'm outside. -Lao._

_No,_ he texted back, but he slipped out of bed anyways, careful not to wake Sing, who could sleep through someone's muffled footsteps outside. He grabbed his jacket and chose to leave his hair mussed and chest bare. He cracked the door. "Going to lock us both in there and light a match?"

Lao turned as green as his jacket. He looked away. "I really wanna talk sometime."

Yut-Lung hesitated, and then exited the room. "So we don't wake Sing." The breeze was cold. He zipped his coat and folded his arms.

"Why are you talking to me like this?" Lao asked.

"Because you asked me to?"

"No, I mean—after—"

He'd known that's what Lao was asking. "Because you're Sing's brother, and I love him and he loves me." Okay, he couldn't resist that dig. "But he also loves you."

Lao gaped at him.

"And no matter what, you're still his brother, and unlike with my brothers, there's some familial love there," Yut-Lung said. "Don't be like my brothers, Lao. They controlled every aspect of my life."

Lao flinched. He'd surely heard by now, since it was all over the school that his brothers had been in incestuous relationships with him.

 _Does that make you hate me more? Does that make you feel sorry for me? Does it matter, because it shouldn't have any effect at all? Why am I not enough as I am for Sing_?

"I don't have to have your approval," said Yut-Lung. "But it'd mean a lot to Sing."

"I don't—"

"I understand how you feel," Yut-Lung continued.

Lao cussed. "As if you would!"

"I do. You never had anyone else, did you? He's the first one who you had. And then Shorter, but Sing allowed you to pretend you _were_ Shorter, a protector, someone strong because you weren't strong enough to keep your parents around. But Shorter never saw you as weak. He always saw you as a friend. And Sing's—the first person I've ever had," Yut-Lung said, voice trembling. "And I love him. I love him for it, I love him despite it, I love him. But before this year, I thought I was worthless, too."

_I'm not._

"I don't want to be worthless," Yut-Lung said, and his voice cracked this time. "That's why—I slept with Shorter. It wasn't about hurting Shorter, but I couldn't handle it. I don't blame you for hating me for that, but I don't want to hurt Sing. And _you're_ hurting Sing just like I hurt Shorter, because you're taking out what you think about yourself on him, even if you don't mean to. We're the same."

Lao's mouth fell open. He shook his head.

"No?"

"I know," he mumbled.

"What?"

"I _know!"_ Lao yelled. Yut-Lung winced. "You're right, okay?"

"Of course I'm right." Yut-Lung tilted his head. He actually felt like he might throw up.

Lao cussed again, kicking the wall.

"Poor wall."

"Shut up!"

Yut-Lung sighed.

Lao turned to him, eyes red and inflamed. "Do you hate me?"

_Yes. I hate you. I hate me._

_Sing loves me._

_I can't hate what Sing loves._

_I can't hate you._

_I can't hate me._

He shrugged. "I could be persuaded otherwise, if you decide to treat your brother like a human being. Do you hate me?"

"If you don't hurt my brother, I might not."

 _You really just want to protect him. Even if you're not that smart about it_.

 _So do I._ Yut-Lung smiled.

"Hooray!" hollered Shorter's voice. They both spun around to see Shorter and Cain both watching, applauding. "You're loud."

"We are not!" Lao bellowed.

" _You_ are," mumbled Sing, appearing and rubbing his eyes. Everyone showed except Ash, who was probably dead to the world because he always slept like the dead according to Eiji.

Lao swallowed. "I'm glad you're okay."

Sing blinked.

"When you all went out yesterday," Lao said. "Wasn't that for the raid on that club?"

Something cold settled in Yut-Lung's stomach. He caught Sing's eyes. "How do you know about that?"

* * *

Eiji froze. Had Lao just said—how—

"I heard you guys talking about it," Lao said. "I thought I'd never see you guys again, and I kept thinking of what—what I'd want to say to Sing—"

"Did anyone else hear about it?" Shorter demanded, cussing. "I'm texting Charlie."

"Huh?" Lao blinked. "What is going on?"

"It's top-secret, and we kind of don't want them to be warned," Yut-Lung said. His face turned green, like he wanted to vomit at the thought that they might have blown everything. "Considering everything rests on this, like, oh, I don't know, people's lives."

Lao's brow crumpled. "I'm—sorry?"

"Not your fault," said Sing quickly.

"I didn't say anything." Lao held his hands up. "I was just—up pacing all night. I mean, I guess I told Skip when he showed up here looking for Ash and you, Eiji—he said he wanted to talk to you about your sister. I was going to tell you when I finished with Sing and—why—what's wrong?"

Eiji dialed his sister's phone again. No answer. He called again. And again.

And then the reply. In English. _Stop texting me._

 _This isn't happening,_ Eiji told himself. His fingers felt numb. He texted back. _If you don't respond I'll call the police._

He raced into his dorm room. "Ash, wake up!"

Ash moaned.

Eiji slapped him. "Get up! Ash! Skip's in—"

Ash sat up, bleary-eyed. "What the—"

"They know," Eiji blurted out. "Golzine—he knows, someone heard—Lao said—"

"Wait, what? Back up!" Ash scrambled to his feet, face frantic. " _What_ about Skip?"

Eiji reiterated what Lao had said. "He told them, I guess, and they thought it was last night—"

"So?"

"So, I can't reach Keiko, and—" He thrust the phone in Ash's face. "She never texts me in English. Ash, I have a horrible feeling." He clutched his stomach, nausea pummeling him, nausea and guilt. _If she's in trouble, it's all my fault!_

Ash dialed Skip's number. His face turned white when Skip didn't answer. He drew in his breath. "Skip would know not to do anything stupid."

"Keiko..."

_She wouldn't have. She's not that stupid._

_She's desperate to prove herself._ He saw a pole in his mind.

_Keiko, you're not useless!_

_"_ Keiko might have," Eiji managed. "And Skip might've gone after her."

"Where's Ibe?" demanded Cain from the doorway.

Eiji shook his head. He called Ibe. It was still only 6:30. "He's probably still asleep." He texted Ibe. _Call me ASAP._

"Skip might be asleep, too," Bones suggested. He and Kong had staggered out, both in their pajamas. Alex rubbed his temples.

"That's optimistic," Ash said, rubbing his skull. He bit his lip as he looked at Eiji. "What if—if they—"

"No," Eiji said. "Jet lag. I just—I just—" His stomach felt like there was a knobbly rock rolling around, scraping his insides. "I just know it."

_Because she's just like me, and like you, too, Ash. She would have asked Skip about it. And then they would have done something stupid like try to spy on Dino or something._

"Charlie's not answering," reported Shorter, appearing behind Cain. "Neither is Nadia." He swore.

_If Keiko really did…_

Yut-Lung let out a whimper.

_It'd be my fault._

_She'd want to be just like me, wouldn't she? And Skip like Ash…_

His phone buzzed. He checked it. I _f you call the police, I will kill them._

 _Them._ Ash let out a shout when he saw it. Shorter slammed his fist into a wall. Yut-Lung covered his face.

Eiji doubled over. "I—failed her—if she's—" Even if she was okay. "I've been failing her my entire—"

"No, Eiji, it's not your fault," Shorter interrupted, grasping his shoulder.

"If you failed," Ash choked out. "So did I."

Eiji lifted his face, meeting Ash's melting jade eyes.

_If you failed…_

_We are the same._

_I thought it was only me who mattered. No, I thought I didn't matter at all, and nothing I did mattered either, and I wanted it to._

_It does, with Ash. And it does too, with Keiko._

_Take responsibility…_

Ash looked up, his gaze focusing on, of all people, Lao, as if he expecting Lao to lacerate both of them. Because he could, now. Of course Skip would think it was fine to do things on his own. Of course he would want to prove himself, but he couldn't, not yet, not like this. _This is what you wanted to prevent Sing from doing, right?_

_But Sing didn't do anything foolish. He's wiser than all of us._

"Let's wake up Max," croaked Eiji. "And he can wake up Ibe. Lao—"

Lao clutched his skull.

"I don't blame you for it," Ash managed. "It's—I knew Dino was keeping Skip here to threaten him—I really shouldn't be—I should have—I—"

"I'm the one who told—"

"Who cares about blame," Sing shouted finally. "We have to do something!"

They all looked at each other. Eiji saw the same look on all of their faces, like each eye was a mirror, and behind that mirror was the lonely life they'd all lived, paths in different colors, but the same still, bruises from different weapons, but still bruises, and still they all were standing, supporting each other.

Ash pounded on Max's door. They were all yelling for him. He swung it open, eyes wide.

"Max," Ash choked out, grasping his shirt like a child terrified from a nightmare. "I think we've really screwed up."


	21. Shadows

"Michael and Akira are missing," Charlie informed them. "Along with Skip and Keiko."

They all huddled in Max's apartment. Cain swore. Yut-Lung dropped his head onto Sing's shoulder. Shorter and Eiji both grabbed Ash, who looked as if he was about to collapse or vomit or strangle himself.

"How?" demanded Sing. His voice came hoarse, the word scorching his windpipe. He wanted to cry. Everything—last night—he really believed everything would be okay. And now—

Lao put his hand on Sing's other shoulder. Tears slid down Sing's face. He had no comfort to give. Everything felt like it was lost. And he couldn't tell if it was his fault or not. He wanted to scream, but he didn't want to scare anyone.

_Why did we get involved?_

He felt Yut-Lung's hands on his back, rubbing circles in his shoulders despite the shell-shocked look on his boyfriend's face. He was crying, too, and he was still comforting Sing.

 _We got involved for you. You and Ash. You deserve it._ The thought of Hua-Lung and Wang-Lung being allowed to still abuse Yut-Lung—and even if Blanca had still gotten involved, of him having to handle such a burden alone— _no one should handle anything alone_.

_You're worth it._

_Does this mean none of this could have been prevented? That there's nothing we could have done to have stopped it? No, there have to be things—things others could have done, even small things we could have done—but—_

_It's our faults. It's not our faults._

_If it is, then I don't know how to go on._

_If it's not, then things are even scarier._

"I've been nothing but a curse to his family," whispered Ash.

"Bullshit," shouted Jessica's voice. "See, I told you he would say something like that!"

Sing flinched.

Max marched into the room, looking directly at Ash, and he said: "We don't blame you."

"But I'm always running off and doing things on my own, of course Skip would do the same—"

"And Keiko—I didn't realize she was in so much—she feels like she needs to prove herself—" Eiji started.

Ibe appeared, grasping Eiji. Eiji leaned against hm. "I—wasn't like you," he managed.

"I know you are," Max said. "But you're learning, and Ash, given what you grew up with—" His face twisted. "You might as well be our son, too. I love Michael no matter what he's done. No matter how mad I can get at him."

 _No matter what_.

Such a strange concept, and yet he knew it through Yut-Lung. Sing looked at Lao, and he knew.

_Flawed as it is, twisted even, you love me no matter what._

What an assurance to fall back on. He looked to Yut-Lung, crying. _I love you that way._

_I don't know if you know it yet, but even if you don't, you hope so. And Lao… what more can I do?_

_I just hope you can see it._ Sing squeezed Lao's arm.

"You're just seventeen," Ibe managed. "You don't have to be like me yet."

"The cops are probably at Club Cod right now," Jessica said. Max held Ash, and he didn't try to push Max away.

"If something happened to them, I can't—"

"I'll kill—" Max added, and then stopped when he saw Charlie's face.

"We'd handle it," Jessica said, and then she cussed, slamming her fist into a wall.

"Shorter!" Nadia appeared, still wearing her apron. Oh right. She must have been cooking breakfast. She grabbed him.

"Please don't lecture me," Shorter choked out.

"Not what you need right now." Nadia swallowed, her eyes streaming. "Cain, do you want to call your parents?"

"They won't answer," Cain said with a shrug. He ran his hand over his hair as if he couldn't care less.

Nadia slid her other arm around him. Cain's mouth formed a small 'o' but he didn't shrug her off.

"She's adopting you now, too, Cain," joked Sing. "Haven't got a choice."

"Don't have to," Cain said. "I'm fine—Lao probably needs—"

"Geez, you don't get that you don't have a choice," Sing said, trying to fish for some lightness. "She, like, basically dragged Lao and me home from the streets one day when our mom was drunk. Her parents were like 'two more mouths to feed?'"

Shorter blinked, as if he was just remembering that, and he removed his glasses, taking in his sister.

 _This really makes her happy,_ Sing thought. _She loves feeding kids. They don't even have to be good kids, because all kids are hungry._

Yut-Lung smiled as he looked at Sing.

_No one should handle anything alone._

_But when we have to, we have memories._

_Time is just a concept. We might be part of a vast multiverse, and even if we're not, we were together once._

_We're not alone._

Cain slid an arm around Nadia, too.

* * *

"They're not there," panted Jenkins, arriving in the apartment with a donut in one hand.

"What?" A dozen voices shrieked. Yut-Lung leaped to his feet. He turned to Ash, mouth open. If—then where—

"We rescued several dozen kids," Jenkins said. "But—none of them have seen—we showed them photos, they didn't recognize—"

"Then where is my son?" bellowed Max.

Charlie cussed.

"It's time to get the big guys," said Jenkins. "The cops are here, but if you'd like to do the honors, Charlie. I think classes will be cancelled for—a while. Today, for sure, considering we're about to lose our history and chemistry teachers, plus the doctor, vice principal, and principal. And I don't think resumes will be rolling in after the news—"

"Oh, who cares," said Jessica. "Where is my son?"

Ibe clutched his head.

"Dino might know," Ash said. "If he did anything to Skip—I'm—"

Yut-Lung's head throbbed. This was too much. Just too much. Skip and Michael and Akira and Keiko and his mother and Griffin and Wang-Lung and Hua-Lung about to rot in jail forever and— "I want to see."

"I think it's your right," Charlie agreed. "Max, Jessica, Ibe, we have to get to the station too."

"I'll stay with them," Nadia said, gesturing to the kids.

Max nodded. He squeezed Ash's shoulder. They all trooped out. Relief settled in Yut-Lung's spine. They all needed to be there. He wanted to see Wang-Lung's face, know that he was disgraced, know that there was nothing more waiting for him but the prison he spent years encasing Yut-Lung in. And his mother. _And we did nothing but exist have have things done to us, and it was still enough for you to hate us._

"Wait outside," Charlie ordered them as he headed into the main office building. Yut-Lung trembled from head to toe. Sing held onto him.

And then Ash let out a yelp. Yut-Lung whirled around.

Blanca strode towards them.

"You're free," Ash managed, staring up at him.

"I am," Blanca confirmed. "And I hear we have missing kids."

 _You're free_.

 _Are you?_ Yut-Lung wondered, his hair blowing around him. He pushed it away from his face.

_That's up to you._

_Don't run._

Blanca met his eyes, and his face softened.

"Thank you," Yut-Lung managed. "You found my mom."

Blanca cleared his throat, but Yut-Lung grabbed him before he could back up, hugging him. Blanca let out a sound like he was being strangled, but Yut-Lung knew he was too small to hurt him. He pulled away, face red.

Ash smiled, standing next to Yut-Lung. Sing watched Yut-Lung, his expression somber.

The door opened, and cops pushed Dino, his hands behind his back and his face screwed up as if he was in agony. Yut-Lung glared at him. _Remember when you raped me?_ He slid his eyes to Ash, whose face had turned gray. Eiji held his shoulder, but Ash stood with his spine straight as it could be.

Dino's eyes narrowed when he saw Blanca standing with them. "I see you took a deal."

"You have no one to blame but yourself," Blanca replied. The doors to the classrooms must have burst, because students were flooding around them, teachers gaping, trying to find out what was going on. Phones snapped photo after photo.

_How do you like people photographing your humiliation, asshole?_

"Don't you have something else you should be worrying about?" Dino's voice. Directed at Ash.

_Something._

_No, someone._

Max lunged at him. Blanca had to restrain him. "Where's my son? What did you do, you—"

Yut-Lung couldn't hear the rest. All he knew was that he saw Wang-Lung's face, shouting commands that he didn't hear because they didn't matter anymore, lips twisted in a snarl, eyes that wanted to lacerate Yut-Lung from the moment they caught him, but he couldn't.

_I'm not yours._

He felt warmth behind him, the cold wind blocked, and he realized Sing stood there. Yut-Lung took a step forward.

"Yut-Lung?" Sing questioned, and he heard his name. He turned. And then he took another step, and another, and Sing was next to him the whole way to the cop car that Wang-Lung was about to be unceremoniously shoved into.

He was shouting. Words Yut-Lung had heard his entire life. " _You're nothing but a failure! You have the blood of our father, that demon, inside you too! You're a Lee, you're a snake!"_

_No, I'm a dragon._

_And I want to be a good one._

He stopped a few feet away. Wang-Lung's chest heaved as he glowered. "You'd never give evidence. You're too much a coward, and any defense attorney would be able to point out that you enjoyed—"

"Fuck off," Sing snarled.

"I just want to tell you one thing," Yut-Lung said. His voice came out so much quieter than he expected.

"If you want a _why_ , it's because you were born a—"

_I hate you._

_I don't care about you._

_I love Sing. He loves me._

"My mother and I," said Yut-Lung. "Are going to have a good life."

_And you won't._

He walked away.

* * *

"What's the over under on Dino giving any useful information to help himself out?" Shorter inquired once they were back in Max's apartment.

Ash bit his lip. He met Shorter's eyes and knew Shorter already knew, too.

"Zero," Cain offered.

"He probably just wants to stick it to me, now," Ash admitted. He pulled his knees up to his chest. Max, Jessica, and Ibe had gone with Charlie to the police station. Nadia was stress-baking. His cheekbones pressed into his knees. "I'm so sorry, Eiji," he choked out. _Your sister's in danger._

 _Griffin…_ He was supposed to be close. After so many years of being just a ghost, he was tangible now.

_I can't let you go through anything like that, Eiji._

_It's the worst feeling in the world._

_No, it's not. Because at least I know Griff loved me. And you love Keiko. And I love you._

Ash rose.

"No," Nadia said, holding a spatula at him. "My answer is no."

"It's actually not what you think," Ash blurted out, his face red. "I think—there's someone else who might know where they might be. Who isn't currently in a jail cell. And if we could talk to—"

Nadia arched her eyebrows.

"Oh no," said Shorter.

"Ash," Nadia said, sighing as she set the spatula down. "It isn't your fault. You don't have to fix—"

"Not exactly," Ash said. "But it's still—something wrong, something putting people I love at risk—" His stomach churned. How long had it been since he could say out loud that he loved people? In a crowded room, no less? And Skip… if they touched Skip, he didn't know what he'd do. The mere idea churned his stomach, made him want to scream and scream until his throat was raw and bleeding.

He spotted Eiji watching him.

_Live, so he can live._

Even if it wasn't his fault, he had to do what he could. He had to try. Because he knew this world, even if it wasn't fair that he did. "Please let me."

Nadia pulled out her phone. "Shorter, I'm leaving you in charge. I'll be back."

"Do you want me to go with you?" Eiji asked.

 _You are._ Ash shook his head. "I won't be long." He gripped Eiji's shoulder, then followed Nadia out into the day. The sun glared down on them, harsh and yet the air was still chilled despite the springtime. She took him to the staff housing, past where Hua-Lung used to live and to another house, where she knocked on the door.

"Nadia!" George answered, rubbing his forehead.

"Bet it's gonna be busy for you the next couple days," Nadia commented.

"No kidding." George spotted Ash.

"Can I talk to Arthur?"

George's eyebrows rose. "I'll ask."

"If he says no, just tell him the police will be on their way," Ash called.

"Fair."

Nadia nodded at Ash as she turned to head back to Max's. "Good luck."

"Thanks," he whispered. _For believing in me._

George led Ash inside. Arthur sat scowling on a couch, jeans ripped and t-shirt stained.

A laugh broke through his lips when he saw Ash. "Well, well. How desperate do you have to be to come here and ask me?" He flexed his fingers. The ones with scars.

"I came without the cops," Ash said. "Because as soon as they realize Dino isn't going to break, and neither will Foxx and Dawson is too much of a fucking idiot to know anything, they're going to come for you."

"Cool."

"Do you want me to beg?" Ash demanded, nostrils flaring. He could hear it, embedded in Arthur's voice. He hated Ash beyond anything. It poisoned every cell in his body. And he didn't know why he was so hated.

No, he did know why.

_I have everything. And it still got me here. With the life I led._

_You had nothing, and you still wound up here, too._

_We should be the same, and yet._

"Yes," Arthur said, staring at him, eyes jagged emerald daggers. "I want you to get down on your knees, and I want you to grovel, and I want you to beg and offer to do anything I want, and then I want to smash your face in, break your perfect nose, and give you false information so that you can feel what it's like to have no hope of ever—"

"What did I ever do to you?" Ash shouted. "Your fingers? You—"

"You—"

 _All you had was pride._ _And the only reason you had that was fear._

"It's a fucking exhausting way to live," Ash said, heart thumping.

"Hustling's fucking exhausting, which your Skip is probably about to find out," Arthur taunted.

Ash curled his fist. No. No. He had to stay calm. George was right there. "You don't have to compensate so much."

George moaned.

"Excuse me? You—" Arthur leaped to his feet. George took a step forward.

_Yut-Lung's right, isn't he? You have no understanding of your true feelings. Or even that you have them._

_Yut-Lung's my friend._

"Someone will surely love you," Ash said.

Arthur swung at him. Ash ducked.

"I can't—I will—"

"You can't beat me," Ash shouted as George stepped between them. "Why do you have to?"

"You—"

"Someone will love you someday," Ash said. "I can't imagine why and I feel fucking sorry for them, poor bastard, but they will."

Arthur's face was red. "I'm not a pathetic mousey—"

"Like me?" Ash bellowed. "You're failing logic 101!"

"This was a bad idea. Ash—" started George.

 _If you don't talk, Arthur, you're going to prison!_ But he couldn't bring it up. Skip's life was on the line. "I never hated you."

"That's exactly it!" Arthur glared at him, staggering back. He collapsed onto the couch.

_You didn't want to everyone be indifferent. And yet all you do is control people with fear because you don't have anything else._

_Well, I'm sure you have something. I don't know what it is, though._

"Please," Ash ground out. "Please, Arthur. Where's Skip? Where's Keiko, Michael, Akira?"

"I want you to suffer more than I want to escape jail, Ash, so—"

" _You matter more than that!"_

Arthur froze. He gaped up at Ash.

"For Christ's sake!" Ash screamed at him. "Why don't you put any value on yourself? Why? You don't have a super tragic backstory, oh boohoo, how sad for you that you didn't get raped every day for years! Prison fucking sucks, Arthur! It's not worth it! Oh, but maybe then you'd get raped every day, is that what you want? You don't have to suffer to be valuable! You don't have to do anything great to matter! Or do you want to prove to yourself that you don't matter, that everything about this fucking shit world is right, so you can just die in spite like you lived? Or do you actually want to matter? Because if you do then _fucking help yourself out and me out too!_ "

George was shaking. Arthur's face twisted. He let out a scream and pounded his fist into a pillow.

"The wall would be more efficient, have more effect," Ash snapped.

Arthur hurled the pillow at him. "The docks."

"Huh?"

"One of the piers. They have a warehouse." Arthur closed his eye, slumping down. "Happy now, asshole?"

"Yeah," Ash said, looking to George, who was already on the phone. "Thank you."

"Go to hell!"

"Thank you anyways." He opened the door to find Blanca standing there, a smile on his face. "What?"

"I'm escorting you back."

"I hate _you_."

Blanca looked down at him.

"Okay, fine. I don't." Ash stalked ahead, Blanca following. "Happy now?"

"Yes," Blanca said quietly.

* * *

"We found them," Blanca said an hour after Ash returned. He'd been staying at Max's place too. Alex set down the beater he'd been licking, since Nadia let them have the leftover frosting.

"You what?" Eiji leaped to his feet, clutching Ash.

"They're unharmed. Physically. Scared. Max said they're going to a hospital just for evaluations, but no one hurt them."

Ash wilted. Yut-Lung grabbed Sing in an embrace, and Lao shook his head.

It was dark by the time the door opened and Max, Jessica, Ibe, Skip, Michael, Akira, and Keiko spilled into the crowded apartment. Charlie brought up the rear, rushing to kiss Nadia.

Eiji stared at his sister. Tears built in his eyes. Skip raced towards Ash. Akira clung to Michael.

 _I failed you_.

It wouldn't leave his mind. The thought, like a block of wood, kept ramming inside his skull. He doubled over. "Keiko—"

She burst into tears. "Don't yell at me!"

"I won't; I won't!" He was crying now, and his arms were around her, and hers around him, and she was sobbing into his chest like she was a toddler and he had to carry her home after she scraped her knee at the playground. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I—"

"I was—so—scared—" She kept sobbing. The story emerged: how she wanted to sneak out and find that club, how then Foxx told Skip Golzine wanted to see him and he was worried, how Keiko came with him and refused to wait outside, how Akira and Michael followed because Keiko had told Akira to leave her alone, that she was annoying, and Akira didn't buy it.

"Aki-chan's—not annoying," Keiko managed, gasping. "I just—they locked us in this closet, I—I wanted to be brave and do something for once, like you—"

"I'm scared," Eiji choked out. "I've been scared the full time I've been here, Keiko."

"Huh?" She pulled back, her eyes red and streaming. "But you—whenever I talked to you, I—I thought you were happy—I thought if I came here I could be—"

"I wasn't—entirely honestly," Eiji told her. "But I didn't lie, either—it's still—the best year of my life, too. Despite it all." _Because I wasn't useless, and I never was, and I know that now._

 _You aren't, either._ He squeezed her tighter. "I'm sorry I—wasn't there for you, I—if I was open with you—"

"Not your fault—"

"I was stupid; I—"

"I'm the stupid one—" Wait. He didn't want her blaming herself. "You're not stupid. It just—you're not. You're really not. I'm glad you're okay." He held her close.

"I heard your boyfriend helped," Keiko sniffled. "Thanks, Ash."

Ash looked over at her, mouth open. "I'm happy you're all right."

"You know," Eiji said. "I'm quite sure this is how Griffin feels about you."

"Who's Griffin?" asked Keiko.

"My brother," Ash answered. "I'm—hopefully going to see him for the first time in years. A lot's happened." He fell silent.

Keiko reached out to hug Ash, too. She knew the feeling, didn't she?

 _I want to get to know you. I want to be a brother to you. I want to protect you however I can. I want to see you grow and to let you see me grow_.

One arm around Keiko. One around Ash. Ibe behind him, and he felt, finally, like he wasn't running, panting, out of breath, trying to catch up. Even if they were limping, they were with him, and he was with them, and none of them were dead weight.


	22. Next to You

A hand landed on Yut-Lung's shoulder. He jerked awake, sitting up and blinking, trying to remember where he was as he sucked air into his lungs. His dorm room. Hua-Lung and Wang-Lung were both in jail. Dino Golzine, too. And everyone was safe.

_Safe?_

"I don't know what that means," he'd confided to Sing earlier, falling asleep against Sing again.

Sing sat up next to him, rubbing his eyes. Blanca stood there, an amused lilt to his lips as he took in the two of them sleeping with their arms around each other. Shorter hadn't even asked if he wanted the room that night, just headed to Cain's room without a word.

 _Gonna scold me?_ But he somehow didn't think so.

"What's going on?" Yut-Lung managed.

"She's here," Blanca said.

His hands felt cold, suddenly. He clutched the blankets, wringing them. "She's—here?"

_My mother?_

Blanca nodded. "If you'd like to see her."

_Like to…_

Yut-Lung scrambled up, dragging his hands through his hair. He had to braid it, quickly. He didn't want to look like—

"Yut-Lung," Sing interrupted. "Do you really think she'll care what you're wearing and what your hair's like?"

A lump grew in his throat. "I don't want—her to think I'd forgotten her." Since he hadn't looked for her. She used to always braid his hair for him, when he used to sit on her bed and proclaim that he wanted to look just like her.

Blanca studied his shoes. Sing rose. "She won't."

"I didn't even—know her name until you—told me." Yut-Lung doubled over, covering his face. _I'm the worst son ever. Ash was looking like mad for Griffin, and I—I—_

Sing pulled him upright. "She won't blame you."

" _I_ blame me."

"I know." Sing looked at him, still holding him, not faulting him.

"It's your brothers," said Blanca quietly. "Not you, who are to blame. I wouldn't placate you, Yut-Lung."

Well, _that_ he knew. He sniffed.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Sing asked.

_Yes._

_What if she doesn't like that?_

_I miss her._

_Mommy..._

"Maybe not right away." Yut-Lung bit his lip. Blood tinged his tongue. "Will you come later, though? I'll text you." _Please don't be offended._

Sing nodded, and Yut-Lung wondered what he would do if he ever met Sing's mother.

Blanca walked Yut-Lung across the darkened campus. Yut-Lung shivered in the cool air. Stars shone above, blinking like eyes watching their path. He ducked his head.

"Thank you," Blanca said quietly.

"Huh?" Yut-Lung frowned.

"Charlie told me what you kids tried to do for me."

"Let me guess," Yut-Lung said, irritated. "You were going to refuse the immunity deal because you just want to fuck off and—well not die right away, but eventually."

Blanca arched his eyebrows.

"I still want you around," Yut-Lung stated, looking ahead down the path. "So does Ash."

"Okay," he said.

Yut-Lung's eyes widened. "Really?"

Blanca nodded. "I heard about you talking to Lao, too. Sing told me. I'm—proud of you." He reached out, taking Yut-Lung by the shoulders. "And, Yut-Lung: your mother should be proud of you, too. She has a strong, smart, resilient child."

Yut-Lung's eyes stung. Blanca smiled down at him.

"There." Blanca gestured up at the door to one of the staff houses ahead. He reached out, one hand still on Yut-Lung's shoulder blade, the other reaching for the door knob, and Yut-Lung's dinner surged up his throat, stinging and burning on its way. He gulped to keep from vomiting. The stone and dirt beneath him felt like they were falling away.

"Meilin?" The door opened.

And a woman with his face, hair in a neat braid down her back, whirled around from the living area she had been pacing. Her gaze latched onto him.

_Mommy…_

He launched himself at her, and she at him. His arms wrapped around her, and she was holding him, and he was sobbing, and she was wailing, too, pulling back, kissing his cheeks, looking at him, taking him in.

_I'm so glad I look like you, and not like that man._

_I'm his son though. I'm the child of a monster, and of you, but nothing with you in it can be a monster, right?_

"Mama, Mama," he kept gasping. She half carried him to the couch. "I'm so—sorry—I didn't look for you—I thought you were dead—" _I wrote you off, I'm an awful son_ —

"Don't be sorry," she kept saying. "Don't be sorry, you're here, I'm here, Yut-Lung, Yut-Lung, Yut-Lung."

His name sounded beautiful from her lips. He couldn't stop crying. Tears stung and burned as they poured down his cheeks. She pushed his chin up, cupping his face. "You're so handsome, you're—so grown up—"

"I missed you," he managed. "I never stopped missing you. Every day, every day since—I—" Dark shame welled up inside him, sticky. _Do you still want me? Would you still want me? It's worse; it gets so much worse._

"I prayed for you every—"

"They raped me, too," he blurted out, expelling it. "Hua-Lung and—Wang-Lung. They sold me to people, they used me as a prostitute whenever they wanted something, I got an STD, it's cured now but—I did horrible things for them, I thought it was all—"

Her face drained.

_Great. Now I've ruined—_

She clutched him to her chest then, rocking back and forth. "Shh," she kept saying, comforting him. "It's okay. You're okay."

His spine relaxed. He clung to her as she rocked him, listening to her heartbeat, assuring himself that she was alive, _alive_. "So are you," he eked out. "I—I'm—sorry—"

She shook her head as he looked up at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't protect—"

"No, I—" He couldn't continue. He just hugged her, she hugged him, and they both sobbed, pain for himself, for her, for him, for herself, all mingling. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. His sobs quieted.

She pulled back, almost laughing, combing her fingers through his hair. "It's okay, Yut-Lung. I'm just—so happy to see you again, to—I wrote letters to you, every day, to keep myself sane. I—"

"Really?" His eyes widened. He wiped his nose on his sleeve.

She nodded. "I celebrated your birthday, I—"

 _You're a good mother. Even if they didn't allow you to be._ He threw his arms around her neck. "I love you, Mama." _Your name is Meilin. You wrote letters to me. You never forgot me. You still love me._

_I want to get to know you. I want you to get to know me. We can, now, can't we?_

"I love you, too," she whispered, stroking his hair.

"I have a boyfriend," he said. "His name's Sing Soo-Ling." His cheeks colored. He wondered what she'd think of him dating a guy.

She blinked. "Is he nice?"

"Very. He helped me. And I have straight As, and I—" He stopped.

She laughed, a smile spreading across her face. "I'm so happy to hear that!"

 _Happy. You're happy, not focusing on what you didn't have._ "I have friends, too—as of this year. Before that, I was kind of—angry."

"I know," she said, and he knew that she knew, because she had been too. She took his hand, caressing it as if he was still something precious, not a reminder of what his father had done to her.

_You love me anyways?_

_You don't see me as tainted?_

_How?_

_I want to be strong, like you._

"I'm so glad you're free," he said.

"Me too." She brushed his hair back, and then he realized she was braiding it for him, just like she used to when he was a child.

_Some things haven't changed._

_A lot has._

_But for now, I'm still glad that you can braid my hair for me._

"The past few months were better," she said. "I had a friend that your friend Blanca got to pose as a nurse's aid. He said they were going to get me out. He brought me news of you. Your tests with As, photocopies of them, and pictures of you."

"Really?" Yut-Lung's mouth fell open. "I had no idea."

She nodded. "We thought it too dangerous to tell you." She closed her eyes. "I still—just wanted to protect you—you're the thing I'm most proud of in this life."

 _Me_. _Proud of me? Why?_

_Just because I exist?_

He gulped back tears. "Where is the nurse's aid?" asked Yut-Lung. "I want to thank him."

"He's here, too. They said it was all connected. His brother's a friend of yours."

Yut-Lung's eyes popped. "Who?"

Her eyes sparkled, and she looked so happy. "Griffin Callenreese. His brother's Aslan."

Yut-Lung's mouth hung open.

"Do you know him?"

"Yeah," Yut-Lung managed. "He's my friend."

* * *

"Ash, Ash."

He woke with a start. Max stood in the doorway, a tired smile on his face.

"What's going on?" Ash asked. "Is Michael—"

"Michael's okay. He's sleeping with Jessica and me tonight." Max rubbed his head. "But Jessica told me to come to wake up our other child. Griffin's here."

Ash stumbled. Eiji grabbed him, steadying him. "What?"

"He's here," Max repeated, and then a grin slid across his face.

 _And you called me your child?_ Ash gaped up at him. He stuffed his feet into his shoes, grabbing his dark blue sweatshirt and zipping it up. He swallowed, wiping his palms on his jeans, the ones he'd been sleeping in. And then he reached in and grabbed the pocketknife he'd kept. Griffin's pocket knife.

"Ash," Eiji said.

"Can you come?" Ash managed, stuffing the pocket knife into his pocket. "I—I'm—"

Eiji nodded. Ash's mind felt empty. He couldn't remember how to think. He felt the cold air rushing in one ear and out the next and saw Blanca leaving with Yut-Lung.

He and Max stopped when they got to his apartment. "We'll wait here," Max said. "I really think you need a minute alone with him, Ash."

 _Huh?_ Ash scowled. But he shoved the door open, not allowing himself to think what or who was beyond it. _Griff…_

A man sat on the couch, dressed in torn jeans and a raggedy t-shirt. He lifted his face. Dark circles hung under eyes that were haunted, so unlike the unencumbered, laughing ones Ash remembered, and yet the color was the same, the same color he'd always had as his favorite, a darker green than jade.

His brother's gaze focused on Ash. And light shot through them. And something else. The same restraint Ash felt, reflected in his brother's eyes, the ropes holding them back.

Shame.

"Griff," Ash said, and Griffin's eyes widened. Oh, right. His voice would have deepened since Griff last heard it.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not that little boy anymore._

_Griffin, Dad told me to prostitute myself. Griffin, I shot him dead when I was eight, Griffin, I ran away at nine, Griffin, I've been a prostitute ever since, Griffin, I've killed more, I've had sex with dozens and dozens and hundreds of men, I'm worthless, I'm—_

"Aslan," Griffin said, and it was so familiar, like he was calling Ash for breakfast before school.

"Did they clear your name?" Ash managed. He clung to the back of the armchair in front of him.

Griffin nodded. "I didn't—"

"But you'd thought you did?"

Griffin closed his eyes.

 _I'm worse_! _Don't hate me, don't hate you, look at me, please!_ "I did kill," Ash said. "Quite a few people."

"Max told me." Griffin opened his eyes. A tear ran down his face. "Aslan, you look—I'm so—"

He couldn't say it. Neither of them could. Ash flung himself at him, throwing his arms around Griffin's waist, sobbing. He couldn't hold it back anymore. And Griffin patted his head, like he always used to. Ash dropped to his knees, crying into his brother's lap. "I really thought you were gone."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm—I thought I would ruin your life—"

"I didn't need help with that—"

"It wasn't your fault!" Griffin cried out. "Aslan, you can't—don't—"

"I ruined your life too!" Ash looked up, tears running down his cheeks. "I did. Dad—after my mom chased your mother away and left me—I'm the reason you—had no childhood and—"

"No!" Griffin dropped to his knees next to Ash. "No, no, no, Aslan, no—you're—I loved you. Regardless of what Dad or our moms should have done—I love you—the only reason I never attempted to hurt myself after the first time—Dr. Meredith told me to live for you. And I had to, hoping someday—I tried to find you and I couldn't, and then I was too—too cowardly, and I—didn't want to face what I'd done in the war, what I might've done out of it, being an addict—"

"Is that still going on?" Ash interrupted.

"I've been clean for three years," Griffin said quietly. "It's a daily choice, though, but—"

"Don't go away," Ash choked out. "No matter what happens from now on. I—" He hugged him close.

"I know," Griffin said, crying. "That's what I want, too." He held Ash as if he never wanted to let him go.

"You aren't ashamed of me?" Ash eked out. "I told you—the murder—he raped me, and I—it happened hundreds of times, hundreds of—"

"You don't have to tell me this unless you want to," Griffin interrupted, eyes soft, that comforting color. "You can, but it won't change my opinion of you—I love you."

Ash swallowed. He nodded and buried his face in Griffin's shoulder again. He fiddled with his pocket, pulling out the pocketknife.

Griffin's eyes widened. "You still have this?"

"Of course," Ash said.

Griffin smiled, closing his fingers around it just like he did the night he left for the army, the night he gave Ash this pocketknife.

The door creaked open after a few minutes. Ash lifted his face to see Max slipping inside, a gentle smile on his lips, and then Eiji.

"Griff," Ash said, pulling back. "This is Eiji—my boyfriend. He's—the best person I've ever met. He's from Japan, he can pole vault, and he's kind and—"

Eiji's face was the color of a beet. He thrust his hand out. "I've heard a lot about you. Good things. I mean—"

Griffin laughed. He rose, wiping his eyes, and took Eiji's hand, then realized that his tears were still on his hand and it might be kind of gross. "Oh—"

But Eiji was already shaking his hand.

"I don't think I need to pull a protective big brother mode," Griffin managed to joke.

Eiji shook his head. "I'm still learning how to be a big brother, myself." He looked at Ash.

_I love you so fucking much._

Jessica appeared in the doorway, wrapped in a robe. She smiled. Griffin waved at her. Their door opened again. Sing appeared, followed by Blanca and Yut-Lung, and Yut-Lung again. Ash did a double take. "Holy shit."

"What?" demanded the second Yut-Lung in his cranky voice.

"You look just like your mother," Ash said.

"You really do," Griffin said with a soft smile.

 _Huh?_ Ash turned.

"Ash, this is Meilin," Griffin said, gesturing to the woman, who looked shy, but her son gripped her elbow. Sing smirked. "She—I was helping her in the place she was being kept, the hospital—Blanca found me and told me there was a way to prove my innocence, find you again—he's been giving me information and I've been helping her."

"How coincidental," Ash replied. "Because her son's been helping us out." He smiled at Yut-Lung.

_We're all free._

_Both of us. Together. All of us._ He watched as the first rays of sunlight, dawn, began to seep through the windows.

"Well, now that we're free," Griffin managed. "I'll finally be able to take you on that dinner, Meilin."

She blushed.

Something icy stabbed into Ash's stomach. "Oh my _God_ ," said Ash.

" _No_ ," declared Yut-Lung.

Eiji covered his mouth. Sing turned away, his shoulders shaking from suppressed laughter.

"Hm?" Griffin's eyes widened.

"I cannot be his stepbrother," Yut-Lung said, pointing at Ash.

"Step-uncle," corrected Ash.

"Ew!"

"Don't worry, they're always like this," Sing told Meilin. "They've got the bickering brothers thing down pat."

_"Hey!"_

* * *

"I have no right to complain," observed Shorter. "Charlie told me he bought a ring for Nadia."

"Seriously?" yelped Yut-Lung. Sing could only shake his head. Yut-Lung was going to be spending the weekend with his mother, and they'd asked Sing for breakfast the next morning. Ash and Griffin were both doing the same, with Eiji joining for breakfast. Which would actually be them all together.

"Yep. You all better come and mourn the loss of my freedom with me." Shorter tossed a pillow up in the air, catching it.

"You're on your own," Lao joked. He still looked as if he wasn't sure whether or not he was allowed to joke with them, but they all laughed.

"See you tomorrow," Yut-Lung said, kissing Sing before he went out.

"Love you," Sing called.

"Love you, too."

"Oh," said Shorter. "Sing. You're still, um, welcome to use this room tonight."

Sing blinked. "Yut-Lung's not here." And truth to be told, he wondered if his bed would feel cold without him. It was a comfort to him as much as it was to Yut-Lung. _I am capable. I am good._

_You make me feel that way._

_You don't know how amazing you are, but I want to show you at least a little bit of it._

"Yeah, but Cain and I have been—you know. Getting close." Shorter gestured with his hands.

Sing stared. And then it hit him. "Wrong symbol; neither of you has a vagina!"

Lao gaped.

"Well, you know what I mean!" Shorter's face reddened.

"Are you serious?" Sing shrieked.

Shorter shrugged. "He's cool. Reminds me of Ash in some ways. He wants to do things on his own, but he really needs support and he's got a big heart underneath all that muscle, which is, for the record, pretty impressive."

Sing gave him a thumbs-up _. And you're you. You're like Ash and Cain, too. You hate being a pawn. You can't be controlled, because to be controlled would mean you're not capable._

_You are._

_If Cain's helping you see that, and you're helping him see that it isn't weak to rely on people so openly, then…_ "Happy for you."

"Good." Shorter winked. "Gonna go tell Ash, since Cain decided it was time to tell people." He slid out of the room.

Sing turned to Lao. "I did not see that one coming."

"Me neither." Lao shook his head. He let out a tinny laugh. "I guess I'm the only virgin left here."

"Kong, Bones, and Alex."

"How long until Kong and Bones figure out they're a couple and start banging?"

Fair point. And Lao liked girls, so screwing Alex wasn't really an option. "Well, I think that's okay. Yut-Lung told me not to rush into things. Of course, we did go from kissing to sex in like an hour but—we didn't _have_ to rush into anything." _We just did because we were so used to having happiness ripped away, and when we were offered it, we took it._

He had no regrets. Not about Yut-Lung.

Lao shook his head. "Sing?"

"Yeah?"

"You could spend the night in my room. If you wanted to. Just for tonight; I know you won't want to move in permanently." He met Sing's eyes, scared.

"Yeah," Sing said. "Okay."

Lao's face broke into a smile. "I also wanted to tell you. I don't—Mom never asked me to—I mean—I don't see you as a burden, you aren't, I—"

Sing moaned. "Lao, yes, you did. But you didn't have to. It's something someone the same grade, not even a full year apart, should never have to take on."

Lao swallowed. He hunched his shoulders. "I—when we were younger, you were the best thing in my life. You used to look up at me with your eyes, and I wasn't alone—I had someone to—"

"And Mom was always leaving," Sing commented, slouching down on the floor. He met his brother's gaze again. _We were alone._

_No wonder you clung to me._

_I'm sorry I didn't see how badly you were hurting._

"I always wished I could be like Shorter," Lao whispered. "And then like Ash."

_Because Shorter hung out with Ash as much as he did with you, so you didn't feel special anymore._

_You don't need to be special._

_But you are. To me._

"You're more like Nadia," said Sing. "And I don't think that's a bad thing."

Lao's eyes widened.

"Maybe try to channel it more like her," said Sing. "I think she'd like that. Except don't cook; I've eaten your shit before."

Lao cackled.

_I see you, Lao. You have a tender heart underneath all of that, and you're scared, but you love me a lot._

_I'll help you. So will Shorter. We love you._

Sing wrapped his brother in a hug.

"What's that for?" Lao asked gruffly.

"Just because," Sing said. "Thank you."

He and Lao watched a movie in their room, laughing. Lao fell asleep first, still on the floor, and this time Sing covered him with a blanket. He heard sniffling outside.

Sing stiffened. _Who is it now?_ Ash and Yut-Lung weren't here.

He pushed open the door and saw Eiji wiping at his eyes, heading towards his room. Sing let the door close behind him, waving.

"Hey," Eiji said.

"Are you okay?" Sing blurted out.

"Yeah," Eiji said, eyes lighting up. "I'm just—crying because—it's been a day. I went to dinner with Ibe and Keiko and Akira. I think Akira's crush has transferred to Michael. And Keiko was asking me all sorts of questions, and she might like Skip, and she's never told me these things before, and I—answered her—and it felt like—"

_Like a family._

_You found one._

_And you found that you can still run, too._

Redemption.

Sing smiled.

"And Ash texted me," Eiji continued. "He and Griffin ate with Max and Jessica and Michael." He wiped at his eyes again. "Sorry, I cry a lot."

"Not as much as Yut-Lung," Sing joked. "But yeah, I know what you mean." He looked back at Lao's room. "Lao and I just had fun. Like really, we had fun, talking and watching a movie."

It'd take time.

_But we can work it out._

Eiji nodded. A light rain started to patter down, splashing Sing's nose. Eiji snorted. "Have a good night."

"Sleep well," Sing called before he ducked back into Lao's room. A noise came from Shorter and Cain's room. He could not.

He checked his phone as he curled up on Lao's bed, knowing Lao, asleep on the floor, probably wanted him to take the bed, and knowing that sometimes he might as well listened.

From Yut-Lung.

_I miss sleeping next to you._

_Tomorrow,_ Sing promised.


End file.
